To pull DS from his school

It seems to me that he's sick of being compared to his golden child sister so he's acting out to get attention in other ways.

I honestly can't believe you're considering moving his school for the benefit of his sister.

I think it’s because MN trends middle class and so every misbehaving child must have a diagnosis of “something”.

They cannot simply be an unruly child.

This is what I came to ask. OP it seems like you are abdicating your parental responsibilities to the school.

Well then find something he does care about and remove that privilege every time he misbehaves at school. He needs consequence. It’s not rocket science! What do you think the rest of us do/ did?

you should make more of an effort in every way.
speak to school
dont let him fall asleep when he gets home
self refer to camhs

His excuse was he was trying to reach for his pen

He wasn't reaching for his pen. Kids don't randomly fall off their chair in the middle of a silent exam because they were reaching for a pen.

It seems entirely beyond you to

1. take his behaviour seriously
2. have any curiosity as to what lies behind it

Has the school got a counsellor you can ask to see him, or a pastoral lead to talk to him about it?

Wow. Your comment on private diagnosis is not acceptable. It seems like you are now lashing out. It's fine to say you don't have the money for a private assessment, but you do not have experience to state this.

Your son
-has parents who have split up
-doesn't have a close relationship with his dad

• is constantly compared to twin sister who is academically doing better (higher sets)
• has a knee injury needing surgery. That has affected his day to day life ,his hobby and potentially pain, I assume.

That is a lot for someone to deal with.

I don't really understand your post, you ask for advice and then make excuses: Your other two daughters aren't like this, private diagnosis is fake, nhs diagnosis will take too long (finding out at 18 if it is or isn't would be useful to HIM and his adult life).

You haven't actually answered people who ahve said does your son want to move schools? A really, really important question.

Instead you prioritise yours and your daughters embarrassment.

I know it is hard having a child making decisions abd you can onviously want him tk do things different. Normal and understandable. However coming dor advice, being defensive, and wanting a quick fix- it isn't going tk work.

You've had great advice. Action it.

If I am honest, from. Reading your post, if your son can sense your feelings like I do here... that's just another thing tk add to the list as to why he is acting the way he is!

private is likely to get a diagnosis even though there is no diagnosis to give, its like paying for a diagnosis.

Oh dear

All behaviour has a reason.

I don’t think the school are being unreasonable with their sanctions. The rest of the children need an education too. Your son’s behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change so that he can access education.

I do think this bit about sleep is interesting. While teenagers do have high sleep needs, this kind of exhausted/disturbed pattern you describe is actually common among neurodivergent people. I really do think it would be worth getting an assessment. You might not get a diagnosis, but strategies might come out of it.

I agree with several pps who are saying he needs positivity in his life. Something to motivate him and work towards. It must be hard for him dealing with his current injury. In that, he has lost something he likes doing. Does he have forward plans and aspirations? How does he see good live in the future? Do you and he have time to talk to each other in calm headspace?

This wouldn't happen in our secondary. Meetings would have been held with the parents to try to get to the bottom of his behaviour. Counsellor would have been called in. It doesn't seem as there is any pastoral team at OP's son's school so OP need to be proactive and contact school for a meeting and contact cahms herself. Everybody needs to be onboard to help her DS.

@FoxyDash He's not been referred to camhs, no. I'm just at a loss with what to do because his behaviour seems constant.

YOU can contact Camhs. And ask for a meeting with school as well. Your boy clearly needs help and you as a single parent are overwhelmed which is understandable. But you need to reach out for help- get into the driver's seat and don't just stand by the side watching your son going under. He needs to be able to talk to someone "outside"; therapist/counsellor. My DS tells me that it's like he can breathe more easily each time he has had a session with his psychologist. And he doesn't have any behavioural problems and we are very very close but still it's important to have a space where you can feel that your feelings are validated, you aren't judged and you can say what you want without fear to hurt anyone's feelings.

Consequences aren't working, though. Something is wrong.

I’d be so frustrated if I was the parent of a child in his class. My child’s education being disrupted endlessly because of this child.

You don’t believe he has ADHD or ASD, but you aren’t a professional and, given the severity of the situation, i would say it should

be a priority

You really aren’t even going to consider getting your son assessed are you? @FoxyDash

@FoxyDash that sounds hard has anyone referred him to camhs,?
Edited for typos

First thing get him checked by the GP and have them check his iron levels. Secondly get in touch with the school as this is not normal. My autistic child does this at the end of term when is in autistic burn out. Your son needs support. Tell them you want a full support plan put in place and an educational psychologist to work with him.

He sounds unwell from your last update. Have you taken him to a GP? Surely you know that amount of time in bed is not healthy?

I'm sorry you feel like you're being judged when looking for support!

The lashing out and wanting to sleep all the time does raise red flags for potential mental health problems.

From my personal experience, we had a family tragedy when I was 9. I was in denial and seemed fine in primary and first few years of secondary but when school pressure ramped up and hormones kicked in, I started to spiral. I started refusing to go to school, skipping lessons and wanted to sleep all the time. My mum put it down to being a difficult teenager but it eventually transpired that I was really depressed and had severe anxiety. I spent a few years in therapy and am a perfectly happy, successful and stable adult now.

I obviously don't know if there's anything in the past that could have affected your son - or something going on in the background that you might not be aware of (as a teacher I've seen quite a few boys have challenging behaviour when dealing with bullying or coming to terms with things like sexual identity... it can be a huge range of things that we might never think of!). Either way, I'd encourage a chat with your GP and school pastoral team if possible.

I agree with this

I gave you some advice upthread but based on your update I would also take him to the Dr and get him checked for thyroid, diabetes or other ailments. If he is in a bad mood and then sleeping heavily straught after school, then there is something going on. If the stomach ache continues thats a major flag for anxiety. My own son had behaviour issues that were similar to your son and also had on/off stomach ache and vomiting for two years until we figured out that he was dyslexic and also had OCD and an anxiety disorder. Also as a previous poster said, ask him would he like to move schools. Also ask him what would make is life better/how you can help him to improve his daily life.

Apologies if I missed this but have you asked him how he’d feel about a move?