DH overprotective over dd(11)

Don’t do this. It’s encouraging him to stalk his daughter and gives the message it’s ok. It really isn’t.

I would discuss his concerns 2ith him and daughter and get an app to find location for peace of mind. He could be on stand by or even go the place they are going if a shopping mall and not let on he/you are going just have lunch and be around.

I know it's a different age category but I remember being 14 and my Mum giving me permission to go to concerts and to get the train to and from the city about an hour away on the proviso I went with a friend.

Every friend I asked their parents wouldn't let them, we had to be driven to the concert - often by my Mum who'd wanted to give me the independence to get the bloody train!!

Of my friends I was definitely the first to be fully independent. I'd go to London alone, went abroad on my own. A couple of friends slowly followed suit, one still hangs back and goes 'oh you know what I'm like, I'm hopeless, I'd get lost getting the train to the next town over!'

His worries don't trump your thoughts on this. I had a friend who's parents were so overprotective they pulled her out of school and she barely left the house until she was in her 20's. I'm not saying it would go to that extreme but he needs to find a middle ground and give her age appropriate independence.

He was also confused for a long time why I didnt have the confidence to do things as an adult. Like all of a sudden when i was 18 I could do everything

This is absolutely it, I remember going to uni with a few people who had clearly never had any independence or life experience at all, they were utterly out of their depth.

Either too anxious to do anything, unable to cope or went the complete other way and got into dangerous or stupid situations because all of a sudden nobody was watching and controlling their every move.

No. We invited as our kids asked. The parents could have said no. Tbh, I was surprised they said yes. One kid was only 7 and then again when 8. The other was 12. But accepting the invite or not was totally up to them.

Your DH needs to get help for his anxiety. However understandable his fears are, he has no right to stifle the development of his dd because of them.
I would for sure, want to put a stop to all the texting when she is out with friends etc.
But, having said that, I don't think I'd let my 11 year old go away with a friend's family unless I knew them really, really well myself. Not everyone is what they seem from the outside and even knowing them for years isn't a guarantee but it gives you more opportunity to make a judgement.
And especially as your dd hasn't been allowed much freedom up to now. She may not be a very good judge of people or situations if she is never allowed to make those decisions for herself.
First, I'd work on allowing her more freedom to go out with friends without the overbearing suffocation. Don't let him contact her. Let her get the bus home. Basically. let her grow up in a normal way.

If I knew the family well I would let my 11 year old go away with them.

My daughter has just started year 7 and I think it’s important to let them grow their independence. I had really strict parents who didn’t let me do what my friends were allowed. Ultimately it just meant that I kept a lot of secrets as I became an older teen and assumed I wasn’t allowed to do what I wanted to do so pretended I was doing other things. I don’t think keeping preteens and teens under lock and key will ultimately keep them safer, they need a gradual introduction to life to be able to manage what life throws at them.

So you expect other parents to trust you but you don't trust them.....?

I wouldn't let my dad go a bus ride away with friy at 11 and certainly wouldn't let her go on holiday with another family. I don't think that's being overprotective. She is very independent in a lot of ways.

My dad was very overprotective of me, i was well behind the friends i did have near home. I became very isolated.

Example - my friends were allowed to the local town centre at the weekend (10 minute walk away). I wasnt and by the time I was allowed a couple of years later they were allowed the next town over.

I wasnt which confused me as I was allowed to take the bus to school which was only a couple of stops before. He got annoyed when i was in the house and not out with friends. But they were somewhere I wasnt allowed 😂

Then expected me to go out and hang out with 10 year olds in the estate when i was around 14. 🫣

He was also confused for a long time why I didnt have the confidence to do things as an adult. Like all of a sudden when i was 18 I could do everything.

He really needs help to manage his anxiety. Whilst it’s understandable given past events, that doesn’t make it normal. He cant stop her growing up.

I have an anxious parent and it’s still exhausting even now. I say this as a mother who has buried on of her children already. As much as I love all my DC and want to keep them safe I made a very conscious decision to ensure that my past experiences didn’t stop the others from experiencing the world. It would have been so easy to keep them close and never let them out of my sight but I don’t want that for them.

My dh is an anxious parent, he didn’t allow his dd ( my sd) very much independence at all. What resulted was a young adult that had everything and every decision made for her and no friends because she had no life away from school. She went nc with him over two years ago and one
of the reasons being was that she felt he wouldn’t let her grow up properly. Her bm was even more anxious and as a teenager she did nothing and no autonomy over anything. I remember being asked to collect her once as I was passing and all her friends were off to Macdonalds, she was so sad and there was no reason why at 14 she couldn’t have gone with them.
she became very secretive and hid a lot of stuff that put her in danger, had she been allowed more freedom that may not have happened

There needs to be a balance, the family holiday maybe not but getting the bus to school with peers is what most high school kids are doing and expected to do

He might need therapy to address his anxiety, this overprotectiveness could cause issues to your DD or lead her to being secretive which is dangerous.

Being too overprotective causes the child either to become secretive and take dangerous risks, or over anxious. He needs to find the middle ground between protecting and this.

What exactly are his concerns in each scenario.

The holiday is in the UK with adults OP has known for years. Their daughter will be at senior school this year, there’s got to be an appropriate level of freedom given to children to develop their independence.

How will she ever learn how to manage independence if she never has opportunities to?

OP as it’s a UK holiday could you suggest a compromise of her going for a few nights not the full holiday? It’s the fact he won’t discuss it that would be the issue for me.

Our job as parents is to bring up independent adults. If you trust these parents and it’s a low risk holiday (no rock climbing or surfing) then I’d tell him it’s an opportunity for her. I mean surely she has already done school residency trips?

She's 11. Its young. Its a wicked world out there.

At 11 your not well equipped to deal with situations that might arise either.
Slow down.Theres plenty of time.

Has your husband had any therapy to help with the traumatic events he saw his eldest go through?

He needs to learn to be able to trust her. He can’t keep her wrapped in cotton wool forever. Her age now, is the right time to be allowed a bit more independence.

What will he do if your daughter was offered to chance to go abroad with school? Would he hold similar views?

There may be reasons for his worries, but he's gonna have to let go of the reins, basically. His personal worries shouldn't stifle her life. Simple as that.

You know the parents & family? She will be with a good friend? They will be in the UK so you can go and get her if necessary?
12 is def not too young under these circumstances.
i have promised DD12 that she can bring a friend next time we go camping to a family festival we go to.
as for public transport - how do they get to/from secondary school?
XH is very protective and anxious about DD12 but he needs to learn to slowly give her more freedom as she needs to learn the independence and responsibility.

She wants to go, you are happy for her to go, you know and trust the friend's parents.
She is going and that is final. Keep her passport with you so he can't hide it.
Let him stamp his feet and have a temper tantrum.

@steadythere i have an anxious parent who has a tendency to spiral and catastrophise and it is exhausting and awful.

He needs to manage his anxiety not her. He needs to work out a way of coping with it because it is his responsibility not hers.

We don't let our 12 year old on public transport. Its steered by dH who has a friend who's son was stabbed on a bus and my nephew who was punched in the face on a bus and several local news stories of children being attacked on a bus. My argument is that millions of people get on buses and are fine, DH said any risk is too much when he can just get driven and picked up. So we have a rule that if one of us says no then we don't allow it.
The holiday thing, our child went on residentials at that age, PGL and summer camps. I am not sure about a family holiday, I feel that other people parent differently. But there are one or two people I would allow them to go with as I have known them for so long.
I dont think you are too strict. Better safe than sorry. If one of you says no then really you should back that person unless it is entirely unreasonable.

I wouldn't let an 11 year old girl holiday with another family. He's not unreasonable at all on that one. So you do need to try and meet him in the middle a bit.

It’s a balancing act. Give freedom within reason. For me,

• public transport with friends is fine
• going away with friend and adults for 4 days (non-school trip) is not

Each family has a different set of rules that they’re comfortable with.