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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be struggling so much with DH having a vasectomy?

91 replies

AveAtqueVale · 11/01/2026 22:07

Less AIBU, as I'm pretty sure I am, and more 'how can I stop being silly about this?'

We are very lucky to have 3 beautiful DC. There is a large age gap between number 2 and 3 because DH wasn't sure if he wanted any more. He eventually decided he was happy to have another, but was always clear that would be it. I was/ am on board with this as I do think we're at our limit now, and would struggle for a myriad of practical reasons to manage any more kids. Plus I'm really rubbish at being pregnant, and found it much harder with DS3 than with the older two, being that much older myself.

Anyway, DS3 is now 15 months and DH has finally got round to booking a vasectomy and I am struggling SO much with the idea, which has taken me by surprise a bit. I know it wouldn't be sensible to decide to have another child, but I find the idea that there would be no possibility at all of a happy accident for some reason very hard to live with. I'm also still only mid-30s and most of my uni friends/ similar aged work colleagues are only just starting to have kids so feel it's quite early to be definitively done.

DH has said he won't go ahead if I'm not ok with the idea, but honestly I don't think I'll ever be 'ok' with it beyond where I am now - which is agreeing for practical reasons that 3DC is probably enough, and feeling strongly that it's his body and his choice, so I shouldn't really have a say. I hope once it's done I'll just accept it and be fine, but at the moment it's really upsetting me and I'm struggling to have a sensible conversation with him about it.

So AIBU? (Yes) And therefore any tips on how to get over myself?

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 12/01/2026 10:10

Superscientist · 12/01/2026 10:06

What about freezing sperm before he has the vasectomy? Further children wouldn't be completely off the cards but could be there as a conscious decision.

I don’t think this is a good idea OP. Those frozen sperm would always be on your mind and would make it much harder for you to let go of having another child.

Original poster
AveAtqueVale · 12/01/2026 10:08

Homegrownberries · 11/01/2026 22:53

It's interesting how you say you're only mid 30s. Medically, 35 is considered advanced maternal age and in some circles still called geriatric pregnancy. No judgement. I just find it interesting how we're viewing it so differently now socially when medically nothing has changed.

No I know - and honestly I REALLY felt the difference having DS1 at 23 vs DS3 at 33. I was really surprised as I don't otherwise feel 'old', and am probably actually a lot fitter than I was then. But I pretty much bounced through pregnancy with DS1 despite horrendous sickness until nearly the third trimester, was still commuting into London a few days before I delivered, and felt recovered in a week or two from a really awful traumatic delivery. DS2 was even easier as I kind of knew what to expect, and the delivery was much better. But this time I felt like I'd been hit by a truck for pretty much the entire pregnancy, and struggled so much more with tiredness in the newborn phase even though DS3 is a much better sleeper. Was amazed at the difference ten years made to my ability to cope physically with the demands of pregnancy/ early motherhood. So all that definitely factors into knowing logically another one would not be ideal!

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 12/01/2026 10:08

Uhghg · 12/01/2026 07:52

YABU you’re only feeling this way because it feels final and you’re panicking.

Its the same thing when women start approaching 40.

Neither of you want a 4th child.
If you won the lottery and decided a 4th is the only thing that would make life better, then he can a reversal.
It’s not as permanent as your brain is telling you it is.

And often reversal is not as straightforward as your brain is telling you.

Superscientist · 12/01/2026 10:06

What about freezing sperm before he has the vasectomy? Further children wouldn't be completely off the cards but could be there as a conscious decision.

Lennonjingles · 12/01/2026 10:06

I would ask him to put off having it for a while, you clearly aren’t 100% sure it’s what you want at the moment.

Original poster
AveAtqueVale · 12/01/2026 10:01

BendingSpoons · 11/01/2026 22:42

We have 2 kids and that's the right number for us. We don't want any more and I feel we'd be stretched too thin. I still don't like the idea of DH having a vasectomy, as it's very final. I feel like something could happen that could lead to us changing our minds and I don't want to fully close that door. It's a bit irrational, as I also feel a little bit panicky at the thought of an accidental pregnancy. I have the coil which works well for me, and is less final. My age means I haven't got many fertile years left and that has also given me pause for thought.

Yes I think it's that - it's the 'but what if everything looks different for both of us in five years time' feeling. We are both hesitant for me to get the coil as an alternative as I had a coil when DS1 was conceived, so although it's irrational as the chance of the same thing happening twice is miniscule, I'm not sure either of us would trust it!

OP posts:
Original poster
AveAtqueVale · 12/01/2026 09:58

RobertaFirmino · 11/01/2026 22:26

What if DH was upset about you having a tubal? What would you say to him?

I mean I'd say the same as I am currently saying, which is that everyone has the right to do what they want with their own body!

OP posts:
Original poster
AveAtqueVale · 12/01/2026 09:57

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 11/01/2026 22:23

It wouldn't be a "happy" accident for your husband though, would it.

Well no, which I do understand! Though I'm sure he'd love the baby to bits and be just as good a Dad to them as he is to the others, it definitely isn't want he wants and I think he'd resent the inevitable difficulties that come with all children. I don't want that for him.

OP posts:
User7565364 · 12/01/2026 08:35

You should be happy he wants one because it means he's 100% happy with the family he has now! There are loads of men who sneakily carry the thought of potentially leaving their wife in their 40s or 50s for a younger woman. In those cases, many want their fertility intact as their new partner may obviously want children too.

BeQuirkyMintScroller · 12/01/2026 08:33

Look at it this way -

Much easier sex where you don't have to mess about with condoms and you don't have to have the side effects of the contraceptive pill.

I think your DH is spot on.

boynamesneeded · 12/01/2026 08:32

I can completely relate to this. I know when my DH decides to book one I will be extremely sad too because it will be definitively drawing a line under this stage of our lives. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to feel sad.

Lollylavender · 12/01/2026 08:30

Your dh had to be persuaded to have a third. Do you honestly believe there’d be a ‘happy’ accident if you got pregnant with a fourth? I think it could put a massive strain on your relationship!

Prioritise your existing 3 children! They deserve it.

DaisyChain505 · 12/01/2026 07:59

You got your third child which your husband had to be pushed into. Be thankful and respect his bodily autonomy and the fact that he doesn’t want a fourth child.

PardonMe3 · 12/01/2026 07:58

My H had a vasectomy and it was the best thing ever. I couldn't have managed another pregnancy and we could afford another baby. We wouldn't have been happy if we had an accident. It would have left us making very difficult decisions that no one want to have to make.

MrsJamin · 12/01/2026 07:57

DH had a vascectomy when we knew we were done after having DS2 - one of the best decisions we ever made. All those years where I didn't have to be on any hormonal contraception were a proper gift. However you do need to feel that it's the right timing and you won't regret it. Many men won't even entertain the idea of a vascectomy so be glad your DH is prepared to.

Uhghg · 12/01/2026 07:52

YABU you’re only feeling this way because it feels final and you’re panicking.

Its the same thing when women start approaching 40.

Neither of you want a 4th child.
If you won the lottery and decided a 4th is the only thing that would make life better, then he can a reversal.
It’s not as permanent as your brain is telling you it is.

Planesmistakenforstars · 12/01/2026 07:50

You aren't U to feel how you feel, but really there isn't a "happy accident" for him if he knows he doesn't want another. Which means there isn't a happy outcome for your relationship or your family life if that happens. I also don't think you should try and sway him either way about a decision that he gets to make about his own body. And I would be happy that he is taking responsibility for his own contraception. I know it's a low bar, but so, so many men don't clear it.

TheNightingalesStarling · 12/01/2026 07:28

I sort of felt the same way. I was "only" 32, we had two children, (who wee 5&7)we didn't want another... but the closing of the door felt final.

That was 8 years ago and I'm so happy we did it. No worries about "happy accidents" was very liberating. We could just concentrate on what we had and make plans for the future.

FeralWoman · 12/01/2026 07:25

YABU. He wanted two children then agreed to a third. He’s done even if you aren’t. As your children grow up and move into the primary school years you’ll likely feel horrified at the thought of going back to overnight feeds, nappies and toddler tantrums.

Mid 30s isn’t young. Your fertility is about to sharply decline anyway making a “happy accident” less likely.

My DH and I were mid 30s when he had his vasectomy.

Contraception-free sex is awesome once a sperm test confirms a zero sperm count. No worrying about condoms, missed pills, fertile phases or anything like that. Just fun and pleasure with no added hormones to mess you around or physical barriers between the two of you.

cloudtreecarpet · 12/01/2026 07:21

I would feel happy that my DH was prepared to go for a vasectomy.

Plenty of men don't because it leaves the door open to start a new family later on if you split up.
I think it shows your DH's sensible commitment to you and his existing family.

Plus you are so lucky to have had three healthy babies. Imagine if you did have a fourth and you weren't quite so fortunate again, it could change the trajectory of all of your lives.

jeaux90 · 12/01/2026 07:15

Try and think about this as a new phase in your life. You can focus on the wonderful family you have but also don’t underestimate the liberation of a vasectomy. No more birth control. It’s been great for our relationship.

Coldstand · 11/01/2026 23:42

DH had a vasectomy after DC3 and I was very much on board with it. I wouldn't have ever wanted an accidental 4th, I felt absolutely done after 3 and now the youngest is almost at school, I'm very glad we made that decision. Financially we could manage with another dc but I can't magic up more time or attention and that's what children really need.

Our family life is busy now and it would be chaotic with any more and I'd find it too stressful. I like being able to give individual time to the dcs and for them to do plenty of activities, which is a juggle now but it would be logistically impossible with any more.

Lollylavender · 11/01/2026 23:23

If your husband doesn’t want more children, and you’ve already got 3, then no way would I want the possibility of a fourth! A family of 6 is very expensive and a lot of work.

ACynicalDad · 11/01/2026 23:18

Did the vasectomy clamps/ valves ever make it into use? Might be an option

FurryGiraffe · 11/01/2026 23:15

I felt very similar when DH talked to the GP about a vasectomy when DS2 was about one. We had agreed two children and then vasectomy. I did not want a third child. But when it came down to it, I was horrified- I just didn’t feel ready to close the door. DH left it for a year, and then raised it again, and I was totally fine with it. No regrets at all- it’s been fantastic. I can only assume hormones were responsible for my initial reaction!