To be struggling so much with DH having a vasectomy?

I understand how you feel as I felt that way myself but contrary to what lots of people are saying, vasectomies are reversible so maybe tell yourself it isn't an absolute final end to childbearing? In time, I think, you'll get used to the idea. I did and am very grateful I didn't have a 4th.

You know that you’re being unreasonable but equally you can’t help how you feel so it’s just a case of having to sit with those feelings!

Im sure it will pass eventually.

You are not being unreasonable, dear OP. But I am very jealous that you have a man who is willing to book a vasectomy and take some responsibility for his desire not to have any more children.
Well done you for finding a man who doesn't treat his testicles like a pair of holy relics! 😂😂

OP I feel your feelings are very very valid. It’s the finality of it. I understand.

We wanted 2-3 kids. But after DC2 husband said we are done.
DC3 was unplanned (at that timing). I wanted dh to get a vasectomy so I was never in that situation again (him saying have an abortion and me saying I can’t). We got told have the vasectomy when baby is 6 months - not before they are born in case something goes wrong (apparently many couples want to try again if baby says stillborn or neonatal death).

We are now past 6 months mark. We agree are complete at 3 kids but neither of us want the vasectomy, it’s feel too final. I just can’t close the door. Even though we are done

I feel your pain!

It is a tough one and you both are genuinely concerned with the other one. Maybe to have it booked is too early but then again it might be better to be done with if you both agreed?

I don’t think no one can actually give advice as it concerns both of you. Can hold your online hand though 👏🏼

I was delighted dh wanted a vasectomy after dc2. I never want to be pregnant again but even if I hadn't have been delighted , it wouldn't have been my decision. I think you need to put your feelings aside and support your husband in his choice.

Same. My DH had his vasectomy a year after DS2 was born. Best thing ever. No more bloody contraceptives! He said my body had done 99% of the work up to that point and it was his turn to do something for the family.

It's hormones - especially if you are still breastfeeding. My first was my husband's fourth, I was mid 40s and we only had money for the existing children. I knew another wasn't an option but it still took nearly 2 years for me to be OK with it.

DH is getting a vasectomy as we are expecting our 4th child. It is difficult, even though I feel like we’re completely done with having children especially as ours are close in age. Even though it’s the right thing it still feels like we’re closing a chapter of our life and that comes with difficult emotions, but it sounds like it would be the best thing for your family. Also the thought of not having to think about contraception ever again is a massive plus for me!

We have three DC and DH has just got one. I was sad to be honest and still am because we’re in our late 20s and it seems weird.

Ultimately I rationalise as it’s him practicing bodily autonomy which I fully support. Logically I have no issue with it but I am a little sad we won’t have anymore babies. He is open to fostering when our kids have left though and the thought of that helps me feel better. Also, it’s not like we will never see a baby ever again or never get to look after young children!! We have DN&N and one day will probably get to look after our grandkids.

I do think the fact my last pregnancy was wayyy worse than the others also kind helped close the door on that chapter of my life. If I’d breezed that like I did the other two I think it would be much harder.

He's exercising a kindness towards you in 'not going ahead with it if you're uncomfortable with it'. Please extend the same kindness to him and let him do what he wants - probably what he actually wanted to do after your 2nd DC (I'm sorry, but I imagine a 3rd DC took some wrangling from you).

A 'happy accident' is anything but when you don't want another child. In fact it would likely be pretty traumatising for him. Even speaking about 'happy accidents' makes me wonder if you take your contraception seriously - you have a DH who does not want more. Take that very seriously.

After 3 DC my DH had a vasectomy and the relief of having to not worry about birth control ever again was really great. You have 3 very much wanted DC. If you had an accidental pregnancy it would be awful for DC if she didn't want them, might not want to spend as much time with baby etc. Also the more DC you have the more thinly resources and time gets split between DC. Your DH has been fair to you agreeing a third even though he would have been happy to stop at 2. It's normal to grieve you won't have another DC but I'd agree to DH having vasectomy as it's his body and what he wants.

It’s not just about what she wants though is it.

I get the apprehension but it's was the biggest sense of freedom for me. Any more were off the table therefore I didn't even have to think about it or consider it any more. It was a relief tbh

My DH had a vasectomy at 33. It’s great. We were umming and ahhing about a 4th child, and I wasn’t totally opposed to the idea of a happy accident like you. But honestly, the thought of having to get a seven seater car, deal with a newborn again etc etc just put us off. And now we get to have as much unprotected sex as we like! I don’t think he should have the vasectomy until you’re both totally sure. I would have been a bit sad if he’d have done it whilst I was still thinking about it. Just put it off for 6 months or so

@Homegrownberrieswhat circles?? The average FIRST time mother is now 32 in the UK. Never heard the word ‘geriatric’ pregnancy with either of mine (at 41 and 43, and that was 20 years ago) - it is considered stigmatising. The Advanced Maternal Age may be used, but even that not so much, and now it’s more a personalised risk assessment. Most of my friends had children in their 40s (oldest two being 45 and 46), all but one conceived naturally and the only one who felt labelled was the 46 year old.
Anyway, other than that side issue, OP, while you seem on the fence about having more children (‘happy accident’), your DH definitely isn’t. Enjoy the children you have.

My husband had a vasectomy at 34. I wanted a third which my husband was onboard with but when we actually discussed the practicalities decided against it. We’d two healthy children which we’re grateful for. My sons are only 1 year apart so in essence we’d be starting all of over again with a gap of 4 years (providing I fell pregnant quite quickly). My husband was the one who suggested getting a vasectomy once we were 100% sure we weren’t having any more.

Sorry but voted you are being unreasonable . You have 3 kids already and if your dh wants to have the procedure then that is his choice .
You don't mentioned their ages other than your youngest , but imagine having a baby or toddler when your older ones want taking to after school clubs or sporting events , hobbies etc .

I think it might be hormones as well.

If your husband doesn’t want any more then you shouldn’t have any more. But there’s a big but — as he’s said he won’t do it if you’re not ok with it, and you’re really struggling, then he should hold off.

He’s being very understanding and imagine the heartache in future if you told him later down the track you wished he hadn’t had one and he said but I told you at the time I would hold off if you wanted me to, why didn’t you just tell me.

This is hard as i am 39 and have recently had a 'happy accident'
This will be my 4th but 3rd with DH.
I came off the coil a year ago because i really struggle with migraines and PMDD on pretty much all contraception and quite frankly had enough of putting my body through all that shit. I thought about sterilisation but my gynae talked me out of it as it is too 'final' and i might regret it plus DH wasn't keen on a vasectomy for the same reasons.
For us though we were happy with our family as it was but followed the catholic method. To be honest i naively thought because of our ages it was highly unlikely anything would happen as he is quite a bit older although very healthy.
Anyway it did happen but we were both kind of okay with it after the shock!
Thing is, i have mostly problem free pregnancies so the thought was always in the back of my mind that if we did have an accident it wouldn't be a problem.
What stands out with your circumstances is the fact you say he doesn't want anymore and i think you have to both be on the same page, plus if you don't do great during pregnancy.
I think you need to have a serious chat if you are feeling like this. it is harder to reverse.

I can remember feeling the same way when DH had his vasectomy. I was so upset even though I'd been warned by the doctor another pregnancy could kill me (so it was actually down to me he had the vasectomy.) Also DS was a (happy) accident after having our older two 11 and 13 years earlier
DS has severe autism and is likely to need care for the rest of his life. While I wouldn't change him for the world because he is the happiest most loving child it has put a strain on the family in lots of different ways. Although I can't prove it I'm sure having DS so late in life is what led to his autism.
My point is you have three healthy children and the more you have the more likely it is you will have a child with some sort of health problems.
The initial waiting for the vasectomy was worse too. Once it was done I actually felt better and easier to accept.

I voted that YABU but I actually don't think you are being totally unreasonable.

I think you instinctively don't want your DH to have a vasectomy due to the perceived finality of the decision. It's like when women go through the menopause. Even if you rationally don't want another baby, it can be difficult to totally close the door on that chapter of your life and accept it can't happen. It evokes feelings of grief and sadness mourning what could have been and what has been and gone.

Ultimately though I think you have to fight these feelings. It can lead women down paths where 'happy accidents' are not so accidental and ultimately the breakdown of trust and relationships. Three children is more than enough. He has been clear that is his limit. You need to respect and support this and come to terms with the idea that there will probably always be some sadness that this era of your life has passed. The good news though is that there is an awful lot to look forward to as a couple and family.

This is what I was going to say , it takes all the what if's out of the equation

This is normally a thread where women are complaining that their bloke WON'T have one, cos he thinks it will emasculate him.
Very odd to see it from a different perspective 🤔😀
I had one years ago, because I /we didn't want any more kids. I was absolutely sure about it, and had no problem with getting it done.
It was entirely liberating, and one of the best decisions I'd ever made 👍😀

Aww OP, I think the majority of us mums totally find it hard to deal with what I call ‘Last Chance Saloon-itis’. Ending our days of growing our family is a painful threshold to cross over. But what softens the blow is the sharpened focus on watching the family we do have grow. The edges will soften and one day, you’ll be absolutely fine and at peace with it all. We got a labrador after number 3 (when number three was 15 months!). That kept me busy and personally, it was incredibly healing (I am a dog person so, it’s not for everyone). You’ll be ok! This too shall pass. ❤️