AIBU to refuse unsupervised playdates due to domestic abuse concerns?

I knew one friend would yell at his children and would be rude and disrespectful to his wife. He did it to my child, in front of me. They won't stop. Protect your children.

No I would definitely not send my DC there alone for a playdate. Things can escalate without any warning. It's about power and control and it's possible he might be even more abusive for another child to witness.

Just let her know the truth. If it's not ok for your DC, then it's also not ok for hers so I would consider a SS refferal or let the school know. If any serious harm comes to her, then you had an opportunity to do something. I wonder if she told you in the hope you might report as she feels unable to get help.

Just be honest. "I have to say no, and the reason is your husband".

I would be honest with her and say you're sorry (not sorry at all but for politeness sake ....) but you won't be bringing your kid/s to hers because of the situation there. If she wants it spelling out then do it.

Say you're happy to host all play dates or do some meet-ups at other venues like soft play. With the implication that that's forever.

YANBU at all.

It might be the wake up call when she sees the wider impact

Why would you care about the adult's feelings? Your child's safety is all that matters, of course you can't send a child to a home you know to be unsafe

Someone who does this to his wite at any point has some serious issues. At a minimum you dont want to normalise this in front of your child as even his attitude towards her will be even more obvious when youre not there.

Its stressful and cannot be guaranteed that he wont be there for sure. Something could happen and it will be the day he comes home early or whatever.

I really doubt he cares

When you tell her, emphasize that her children are lovely and their friendship is great ir just unfortunately a ripple effect of the dv and that you hope she and the children are getting support and keeping safe. I think be honest but also kind however not at the price of your child's safety risking witnessing dv also it is awkward for her children and so embarrassing if another kid from school saw their domestic. I wouldnt even go when he isnt there its his house he can pop in anytime.

I wouldn’t have my kid there if the husband was there, another option is you have their kid to yours?

My DC wouldn't be in the house at all if her DH was there and I'd tell her why as well.

I wouldn't have my children there at all if the husband was there

YANBU but I think you need to be honest with her rather than inventing excuses.

I’d absolutely communicate it. It might be something she needs to hear! Bit of a repercussion. She is probably oblivious to the fact other people don’t see their family relationship as safe or positive. She’s holding on for the relationship she wanted to have, not the one she actually has. It might be helpful to know that no one is taken in by the facade.

I’d also tell her the truth. She has already told you that she lives in an abusive household so she shouldn’t be surprised that people don’t want to send their kids there. Maybe it will even be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and it will make her leave him.

Tell her you appreciate her honesty in disclosing her situation but that you're not comfortable having playdates at hers due to dv concerns that now you know you have a duty to your son's wellbeing. You can say they are welcome to come to yours for a playeate or meet up to a third location like a playground..i wouldn't want to be in their home and see DV either so my third wheeling it isnt good enough either. Things can escalate quickly and traumatic to quickly whisk the child away with an angry scary dad.
There was a girl who was at a sleepover and the mum's ex killed the friend along with the daughters so children can come to harm by association. It is sad for the children living with it of course i empathise but your priority is your child. I hope social workers and school are aware.

Yanbu. I'd never leave my child somewhere I knew or even suspected domestic abuse was going on.

I’d tell her the truth. 100%

If she has confided in you about her husband’s behaviour then I’d just be completely upfront with her, as @Bombinia has suggested above. In reality she already knows why you don’t want to send him.

Are there times you know he won't be there? Eg straight after school and you pick up at 5:30, I know where we are it's very rare for both parents to be there for an after school playdate

No YANBU. Please don’t worry about coming across as rude or anything like that. This isn’t a time for social niceties your priority is your own DC not this other persons feelings.

Unfortunately these are the hidden consequences of people who abuse their wives and put their children in danger.

No way would I send my child to a house where I know physical and verbal DV goes on.