Consultant appointment - we used to date

I had a Registrar that my husband had taught/mentored. It felt hideously wrong because I knew how inept he was. The NHS completely understood that I felt it was a conflict of interest as I'd known him socially.

I've also had a nurse ask if I'm okay with her treating me because she knew me. I was.

I think a Consultant might not feel comfortable treating a patient he's had a sexual relationship with. If you're okay with it, I'd contact his Secretary and check that he's okay with it or let her know that you feel it's a Conflict of Interest as you've known him socially (or intimately!)

Well, it would be better to start that 12 week wait sooner rather than later, then. Seeing as he might quite possibly also not wish to treat her.

Ugh 🤢 Because… medical treatment isn’t the same as a sexual relationship - which they’re no longer in.

He's already seen you naked and even been inside you. How could it be awkward?

They might not be medics, apparently. 🙄

What have you decided to do @Kingcole3

If you’ve not contacted the secretary yet you could be risking seriously delaying your treatment.

lol at this thread - how many medics does it take to convince Mumsnet posters that an old
flame should not treat their ex? An infinite number apparently…

You have not taken into account that the OP might turn up and the clinician will refuse to see her. That will have the potential to be both awkward and delaying.

If there is more than one clinician in the team, its should be easy enough to simply swap which clinician sees who. Is not the same as asking to change a time slot. As has been said many times, he will have professional standards and clinical requirements to comply with whether or not he is personally bothered.

You could ring his secretary to see how it could be moved. But it will delay your appointment, they’re not going to swap you around with another doctor. The last time I asked if an appointment I’d received that day could be for a later time slot, they’d already moved on by 12 weeks! That just goes to show how fast appointments are given out within a week . I’d just go and get it over with, as you want it dealing with. He won’t be bothered one bit. I’m a professional translator and often come across people from another path, but I just do my job and carry on.

In which case you need to decide what is most important, avoiding any awkwardness or not delaying the procedure?

I do understand BTW that matters might be a bit different in different social contexts. I still remember the local GP in rural mid Wales in the 70s (single handed practice before the days of out of hours cooperatives) coming to fix my mums dislocated thumb on Boxing Day. My parents called his home phone and he said he’d walk down to their house when he’d finished his lunch. He’d had a few Sherrys and so had she so no anaesthetic was needed. It was competently fixed in a few seconds and he stayed for some more drinks afterwards. I imagine she’d have to go to A&E an hour away these days. Different time, different standards.

i mean - its up to you - but for me, as it was so long ago - it wouldn't bother me. Would i tell my husband - i dont see why not as it's not something to hide? youre going to see a dr...

So what did you decide to do @Kingcole3?

This is mad. To a Dr that isn’t a joke. I have had ex patients stalk me. There actually are people who are crazy enough to do what you are joking about.

All the UK Drs on this thread have explained that as soon as he realises they had a personal relationship he would be duty bound to decline to treat her so unless he can find a colleague able to do it on the day then she will wind up with an even longer wait.

OP please call and ask to rearrange with another Dr due to ‘a previous personal relationship’. I can only imagine the embarrassment of a former lover turning up in my clinic expecting to be treated. I would die of embarrassment and under almost no circumstances at all would I ever consider treating them unless they were dying in front of me. It will be a short and embarrassing interaction if you go plus you will end up having to explain to DH for no reason.

if she turns up and he declines to treat her, as is his right, the OP might have a long wait for a new appointment too.

Sorting it out up front is less likely to cause delays - and embarrassment - than turning up and having the Dr cancel the procedure on the spot when he realises who she is.

As you say the 'relationship' just petered out so I'd keep the appointment and joke about running in to him! If it'd been a serious thing and you'd been together ages and it ended badly then yes I'd ask for another consultant, but as has been said already you might have to wait a long time!

I’ve had this debate with my brother many times over because we’re from a really small town so now we know a lot of friends we grew up with in the local hospital.

My brother loves it; I hate it and I’d avoid it at all costs. I can’t think of anything more uncomfortable than having to undress in front of friends and former high school crushes.

No, definitely not constant fear. There are rules for the protection of both staff and patients and everyone clinical is aware of what those rules are. I do understand that circumstances can be different in very small communities and I have no comment or experience of how the requirements are applied in the more remote areas of the UK.

😄😄😄

In the UK.

However I am mostly referring to Scandinavia. You have many really small places where everybody knows everyone, so the local doctor will treat their friends, family, even people they've fallen out with. And their dating pool will be the same community.

It's not that different even in cities with 300,000ish people.

People have somewhat of a preference to get things done within their circle, e.g. go see a doctor, lawyer etc that they know.

Obviously my personal experience is more historic, so say the 2000s, but I actually know my cousin who's a psychiatrist and she has her sister as a patient. In fact, another cousin is also seeing a therapist, and it's also a relative. My aunt treats probably every single family member that needs her specialism.

That part to be honest I don't get, I don't think I'd want someone I know as a therapist.

But there's a very strong trust in patient confidentiality, and suppose people feel they can trust someone they know more with their confidential health issues than a stranger. I think another part is access to the system, you can access specialists without GP referral but the waiting lists are long, so people like to text a doctor they know to see if there's any last minute slots available etc.

Medical malpractice is a thing but from what I hear, serious complaints aren't that common, although I have heard of a couple of cases. Though I also believe it's changing gradually. From what I hear, in the UK medical professional live in constant fear of being reported and take safeguarding very seriously.

It really isn't. My last proper relationship (not fwb) ended in 2015 and the thought of him being a consultant and performing a procedure on me now gives me the jeeebies.

Ten years is no time at all. And even if it were, it's not allowed for good reasons.

Indeed, as I was just responding to another poster, totally different cultures. She said that there's been a lot of fear of complaints and separation of professional and personal since the 70s.

I guess it's somewhat similar to schools, in the sense that in the UK there are very strict safeguarding and pupil contact rules, which are pretty unheard of in other countries and that foreigners or even people that don't have direct contact with the school system daily find a little shocking.

In Scandinavia for example you have many small isolated villages where everybody knows everyone else, and it's impossible to avoid friends/family if you are the village doctor, especially if the nearest alternartive doctor is 100 miles away.

See, I'd have told my husband as soon as I saw the letter and we'd have had a laugh about it - and potentially rescheduled if UK rules demand it. I just wouldn't have given it any/much thought at all.