Partner is an alcoholic. I don’t know what to do.

I spent years with an addict and regret it. It did not get any better. My advice - which I would give to my younger self if I could- would be to get out as soon as possible.

In order to do this, I would spend 2 months or so recording every drunken incident, in writing and also literally- record him on your phone when he is drunk. Then see a solicitor and say you want supervised contact only.

I would also strongly recommend getting in touch urgently with the mother of his other children to let her know he is drunk when supervising them. This is a safety issue for them- plus if he’s having unsupervised contact with them (which going by what you have said he really should not be) this will make it more difficult for you to argue against this for your DC.

Is he driving while drunk? (How did he get back from shopping after drinking?) If ever you think he is, call the police. Obviously this is relevant to contact, but also to protecting others on the road. Others don’t deserve to die for his self-indulgence.

In my experience living with an addict of any sort is just a waste of your life. Because it really does not get better once the pattern is well-established.

I've been where you are. It's horrendous. Leaving is the only path. But first gather evidence. It's unlikely he'll want any kind of custody as his priority is his addiction. But gather evidence. Don't let him have DC alone. Refuse. He can take you to court (he will say he will, but is unlikely to make it happen). My lawyer advised I gather evidence and be seen as reasonable about him maintaining a relationship with DC. As in make it clear you will spend every Saturday afternoon together plus a quick hour on a Wednesday evening (for example) but this must be supervised by you / people trusted by you both. Make it clear you are not stopping them having a relationship, but whilst he's actively drinking to excess, your DC's safety is number one. Good luck.

And @Slimtoddy is right, there is absolutely no point in medication if he doesn't want to give up. None.

I was your husband. It is a disease and it is a most terrible one. The addiction takes control of everything and the drinking is no longer a choice, I don't know how to explain that. It sounds ridiculous but willpower cannot overcome this disease. However, I'm not in support of your husband so please don't think that. You can want to stop and you can stop. What he must want is to stop and to battle. It can't be done without a huge struggle, pain and exhaustion. But it can be done. I had many many relapses, but what every time was the same was that I wanted to stop and I tried everything. There was no magic cure, therapy or programme for me, it was an accumulation of everything. I did so much and put so much effort into it. If he can't do that then I would tread carefully and be prepared to separate.
I also came across the "you're not bad enough" and thought that gave me a licence to drink in the early days. There's so much demand for alcohol and addiction services that they can't support enough. However, he is an alcoholic and he's going to have to face that otherwise there's nothing you can do to help him. I'm sorry.
Please know that you are not in control, cannot stop him drinking and whatever you choose to do you must do for you and your family. He has to do the rest, or not and then your course of action is clear. Huge sympathies from me, I wouldn't wish alcoholism on anybody in the world.

You need to walk away from him.
You and DC need do get a healthy life style well being. This will not happen if you continue to stay and he will probably not get sober or seek recovery seriously until he has a rock bottle.
Also there is a program for friends and family’s of Alcoholics, used to
be known as as Al anon . Get out while you can and put healthy boundaries in place for yourself.

Does he want to control his drinking? Does he accept it is an addiction. There are lots of alcoholics (most are reformed) in my family and interestingly an addiction counselor. It's an area that interests me. There is medication that can help addiction - Naltrexone - and there are other approaches e.g. therapy but what is key I think it s they need to want to stop.

I’m sorry I have been through similar. But I have to be blunt: he is the only one who can change. And even if he wants to, there’s no guarantee he will. Living with an alcoholic is a hard road and you have to prioritise your children. You need to prepare to leave.

I've had my own problems with addiction in the past (drugs and alcohol), now clean on both counts, but IT IS A FCKING CHOICE! It's only an illness when you have withdrawal symptoms. Taking or drinking whatever is a choice the individual makes. Getting clean is also very much a choice.

You need to record his behaviour and keep a diary so if you split up you have evidence he must a contact centre

Ok OP - I had a mother who was an alcoholic when I was a child. When I once said

“you’re drunk” when I was 10 and we were in the house on a normal evening - my mum responded in a cold voice with no eye contact

“I didn’t like what you said”

Her speciality was the

‘Punishment by surprise” - me coming back home quite innocently as a child and her being drunk and suddenly aggressive towards me.

ok not easy I know OP - in your circs I personally would LTB - I know you’re worried about custody circs but honestly, I’d worry about that when the time comes. Easier said than done I know - but you’ll get through it 💪❤️

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Alcoholism and addiction is an illness but it’s so hard for those around them.
My partner is an alcoholic - to his absolute credit he’s spent the last year really battling it and ‘seems’ to have things under control. He managed Christmas and New Year with minimal drinking - yes I would have much preferred a tee total approach but compromise seemed to work.
We have a 3yo and he knows what he has to loose. Since pregnancy, we’ve had huge rows/ultimatums and I’ve been weak in moments where I have said to him last chance… it eats me up but I know that I hold onto our relationship and life because of our child. He is showing me commitment and a huge effort to make things better.
I do live in constant worry that he will slip off the wagon, but the gaps between this happening are longer and longer. So things can get better, but the person really has to want it.
Sit down, when he is sober, explain how you feel. Discuss what you want and need. If you can, make an ultimatum and stick to it. There is help out there, our GP wasn’t the best and referred DP to services that when he turned up to, they said he wasn’t ’severe enough’ and sent him away, this was a big mistake as his defence to me was ‘see I’m not that bad’.
Find a friend to talk to - it helps with the isolation. Ultimately, is your relationship worth the battle? Mine has been, I’m hopeful for the future but optimistic. I hope he realises how wonderful you are for caring so much!

Why would an alcoholic get custody of the child?

Lets put it this way - do you want your child to grow up thinking that his behaviour is normal? Because you trying to make a normal life in these circumstances looks like you are enabling the behaviour.

Its one thing to be an alcoholic and trying to get better, but if hes lying then there is no trust and without that, you are best leaving him to it until he has been sober for a long while and had therapy.