Partner is an alcoholic. I don’t know what to do.

As someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent who made all our lives a misery, leave him, leave him, LEAVE HIM. You are not doing your child any favours at all by keeping her in that environment. My dad eventually stopped drinking when I was a teenager but the damage to me and my siblings had already been done. I have a good relationship with both parents now but still have deep resentment towards my dad for the damage he caused and my mum for not prioritising her and our wellbeing and removing us all from that environment.

He refuses to let you leave your town…. meaning you and the DC, if you split?

He can’t stop you. He’s trying to control you. Don’t let him do it.

It sounds like despite the drinking he's awful. All this talk of spite and enjoying letting you down.

Get rid.

PPs advice about recording him is very good. I was in the same position as you and I had two small children. It is a very difficult position to be in/ I completely get it. I did not leave my partner when they were small for exactly the reason you mention; but I think now that videoing people is easier that would be good evidence.

What I would do is make a plan….. save as much money as you can. Tell people about his drinking. Don’t keep it as your own shameful secret; you have nothing to
be ashamed of and you will start to feel
better as you share this with people you trust. If you have supportive family tell them and ask for help. All of this will stand you in good stead when/ if you leave. Keep going to AlAnon; it is all about you having that support and that understanding.’nYou absolutely cannot change him, don’t even think that you can- however much you persuade/ get angry/ talk it through etc etc.

Put yourself and your child first. It is a really difficult situation to be in; but however much you want it to be different , and for him to always be the person he is when he’s not drinking, it won’t happen unless he chooses it. Ultimately if he keeps drinking you will have to get out for your sanity and that of your child. But for now start making your plans, getting support and building your own attitude. Good luck xx

Oh - and quietly back away from trying to change him. Stop challenging him on the drinking, let him be. You won't stop him.

You do you now, and quietly get away.

Start making a daily diary. Start it tomorrow. Record:
. how you feel - scared/worried
. anything you did to hide/keep you or toddler out of his way/not aggravate him
. how he behaved/what he drank

Do this every day for a week. Keep on for a month. A couple of months. Then take advice about leaving. You must leave him OP. Decide that you will do it and be calm and at peace with it today.

He won't get custody my lovely. He won't want sole care of the child because it will interfere with the drinking.

Get in touch with your support network and let them know you have a plan to leave him and return to them. Play the long game. You're looking at 2/3 months to create a diary, and a couple of weeks to leave.

It will be the single most important and best thing you'll ever do for your child OP and you must be brave now for them 💐

Re: the diary - You'll get used to making quick simple notes. You might struggle with it at first thinking there's nothing to say every day, but you'll get better at it and you'll see a clear pattern after a while.

There is a thread in the Alcohol support page for those who are living with someone addicted to alcohol. There are many there with learned advice and who are currently going through life with an alcoholic. I found it very helpful and supportive.

You need to look up adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families - it will show you the damage an alcoholic parent does to the child - i understand your worry re the contact if you separate - he would likely not see the child - whats the relationship like now?

They will always bargain with you on these sort of technicalities.

My ex used to drink 4 or 5 cans of lager every night (and a lot more at weekends) but he managed to have every Monday off booze (probably because he was usually still hanging from Saturday night). Because he had this one night a week when he wasn't drinking he convinced himself he couldn't be an alcoholic. Even though he could happily consume 30 units in a sitting on a weekend evening. So we would refuse to moderate his drinking on any of the other nights.

This is the sort of bullshit logic of an alcoholic. They will find one thing to cling to which buttresses their denial and then use that as an excuse not to confront the problem.

As long as he's in this "bargaining" phase it won't get better. As a PP said alcohol will always be the thing he reaches for to deal with mental stress. As long as that mental connection is there he can't change.

It really is all or nothing. He either stops completely or you leave. Sorry.

BTW I voted that you were being unreasonable because your child is a toddler and you've chosen to subject her to this man for so long already.

How often does he look after your children on his own now?

You leave him before he 1. damages your child irreparably and 2. drags you down with him.

You then move near your support networks and make a new life for yourselves.

You can't carry on living like this. It is not your responsibility to keep his drinking in check. You can seek counseling in order to leave him or have counseling to help you manage him. Unfortunately you & your child will always be secondary to alcohol. Your life could be so much better without him.
i was married to an alcoholic and left, yes it was difficult, yes he tried to emotionally manipulate me but I managed to stay strong.
In later years my mum was also an alcoholic & she also put alcohol before me; and cost me a lot financially. For the last 20 years of her life she never touched a drop, but please don't put your child through living with and growing up with an alcoholic, it's heartbreaking & damaging. Get out now and build a life that's calmer and less stressful. You cannot change him or fix him

I'm confused, you say he isn't drinking to excess... but he was also drunk in charge of his older kids. That's excessive. Unless you mean he's saying he isn't drinking to excess, in which case, he's in denial.

This won't get any better. You've heard of the three c's? You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Don't be my DH, full of regret for not leaving his former partner earlier so my DSD ended up being exposed to her ahem - mother's appalling drunken behaviour for longer than she might have been. This will damage your child. I agree with those who say wait and collect evidence so you have a strong case for supervised contact only - he won't be safe to look after her alone.

And whatever your relationship with your SC's mother (I don't know if you have one or if it's good/bad) - please warn her, for the sake of your SC. Is that why her relationship with your partner ended, I wonder?

I’ve been there too… my ex ( because I left him ) got more aggressive and selfish the longer I stayed .
You really just leave for your child’s sake . If you force your child to live and grow up in this environment- they willl hate you for it when they’re grown up .

Regarding custody - he got visitation but only supervised as he was volatile and unpredictable - and that was after he stopped drinking! My son doesn’t see him at all now as he got older and realised his dad was not a good person .

Al Anon helped me, ( I ended up going three or four eves a week for a year) but not initially.. as I did not know what to expect
I thought they were there to advise... I went in, 'how do they stop him drinking?'
They said, you can't, we don't care about him, we care about you!
I was gobsmacked. and they did make it about me...but not on a practical level.
However, it saved me, gave me a safe place to rant and cry and not feel so alone.

I have been there, twice, which ruined my life.
The first one, the so called recovered alcoholic began drinking again after a few yrs dry (I met him in the sober period) and turned into a monster, raping me, attacking me, and keeping me prisoner so I lost my job. He eventually drunk himself to death.

The second started drinking heavily in covid and beating me up.
Both these men left me homeless. I did not get help as I am childless.
Please leave, I urge you.
An alcoholic is always one, even if they never touch a drop again. The behaviours are still in place and they are fighting a battle every day.
My one died..he got peace...I havent found it for what he did, and he's been gone ten yrs

If in Scotland I'd recommend calling this organisation
https://www.sfad.org.uk/

If not, if you contact them they may know of similar support in other UK countries

@DetoxedAlcoholic you say exactly what one of my family members would say. My other family member who is an addiction counselor also says that they focus on the reason behind the addiction I. Their sessions focus on the reasons behind the addiction rather than the addiction itself. It makes sense to me but I suspect it would not work for everyone. Their approach is different I think to AA.

Two of my family had significant alcohol addiction and both are now alcohol free. It was hard work for both of them and I am very impressed with their efforts.

I am not an alcoholic, but I am in a Twelve Step program for another issue. I am an addict. Alcoholism, and other addictions, can be considered a two-part disease.

There is a physical abnormality, which means that once the person consumes the relevant substance or engages in the behaviour, it sets up an intense craving which is extremely difficult to ignore. They tend to keep on drinking/consuming, feel compelled to do so, and will lie and cheat to get what they want. The need for their substance eclipses everything else.

Then there is the mental obsession, which persists even if the person gets sober. The booze (or whatever) is their default mechanism for handling life. Positive emotions or negative ones, boredom, sadness, joy, whatever - the little voice will be there telling them how good it would be to have some…. And they will promise themselves that it will be just one, and they will mean it. They will believe that, this time, they can drink in moderation. But then they have some, and the craving is back.

A true addict needs two things: abstinence from their substance/behaviour, and a way to deal with the mental obsession. It is possible to get out from under, but it is extremely difficult.

It is difficult to stop, even with support. But if he doesn’t want to stop, it’s a non-starter. Nothing you can do or say will make him stop. Only he can decide, and even if he does, he needs help to do it.

Assume he will continue to drink, and the lying and passive aggression will only get worse. Make your decision on the basis that that’s how it will be.

If you do go ahead with the pregnancy as a solo parent, get legal advice about access for him. Maybe if you make the court aware of his drinking and your concern about the safety of the child when in his care, they would make an order for supervised access only.

You need to put you and your child first. I would leave him and move closer to your support network.