Came home early to stepson - AIBU for not backing DH?

For clarty, men can cross dress without being conflicted about their sexuality. I went out with one once. He was definitely a man, and heterosexual, he just liked to present as a woman occasionally. It wasn't a sexual thing at all.

But I do agree with the rest of your comment.

Your comment is disgusting, he is a child who needs support and empathy. Take your bigotry elsewhere.

A parent's job is to help support their children,

It is, isn’t it? Which is why I wouldn’t let my daughter stay in a house where her underwear was being used as a sexual prop for a disturbed young man.

Later on, as a sexually mature woman she might decide she doesn’t mind/enjoys her partners wearing her bras, but she’s 15. She needs the adults around her to impose some boundaries. Imagine putting on underwear knowing your stepbrother had also worn it?

To all of the classic homophobic and TERF tropes, about he's sexualizing what he's doing, he's going to go onto assaulting females, his step sister is close enough to his age to have the same type of attitude that gender is becoming a fluid concept. For him to self-harm, stealing bras, and his sister helping provide him feel feminine with the application of makeup. This is a young person who is trying to feel comfortable in his own body - something that very few people here like SomewhatAnnoyed has pointed out here. His sister is NOT afraid of him, because it's because he's obviously confided in her and she's actually is willing to help him. OP and your DH obviously have no trans friends to actually understand what he's going through, but until you learn through others who have a similar history, he's going to have to survive until he's on his own. And THIS IS EXACTLY WHY PEOPLE ARE AFRAID TO BE HONEST WITH THEMSELVES. DH may never understand or accept, and that's his choice, as it is his son's to go n/c if it enters that phase. This is not a life anyone chooses by choice because of the fatalistic attitudes they keep spewing with such vitriol. He will only find support being outside of the home likely, and OP you should please educate yourself with PFLAG in the UK to find the support you'll need to find help. It's your choice how you handle it - not your DH, but only yours. A parent's job is to help support their children, and if you can't then let them go to find their own family to find that love so they don't go over the edge with no coming back.

Engage a professional to counsel your DSS.
Support him in talking through his issues.
Your DD should not have the responsibility. His insecurities are already causing her to be secretive too.

You and your DH also need to seek advice on how best to react - to enable a healthy outcome.

Completed suicide. Not committed. It is no longer a crime.

I am sorry for your friend's loss.

Thank you so much Volpini for stating things in such a clear way, and for explaining to @SoupLong exactly why you, and many of us here, are so worried about her poor DSS's mental health. If the Dear young man did tragically end up killing himself, I believe that it would be much less to do with his sexuality, and much more to do with the way the OP's not dear husband has treated him, especially after losing his DMum at such a young age.

God I couldn’t be married to that!

your dd sounds lovely

Poor boy. I wonder if this shows he is craving soft nurturing after losing his mum. Be there for him and give him lots of nurturing.

what’s your husband like with you, any better?

My understanding is some males like to dress in women's clothes as a stress reliever, and has absolutely nothing to do with sexuality

Of course it’s sexual, the “release” is ejaculation.

I personally find cross-dressing as a fetish gross, but appreciate that some women don’t mind, or maybe even find it attractive.

But the OP has a 15 year old daughter who’s enmeshed in this - he’s stealing her underwear- and she’s too young to properly consent in his cross-dressing cosplay.

You were a bigoted idiot trapped in a women’s body once. There, fixed it.

I wouldn’t have said fetish, I’d say it’s more symptomatic of experimentation with his gender identity. He needs to be shown massive support as the self harm clearly shows he is suffering mentally and emotionally. Men like OP’s husband are the reason so many gay boys and men used to kill themselves due to shame, condemnation, punishment and lack of support from their families. This is not the 1970s!

OP’s husband clearly feels far more concern about his own standing and reputation within his community and social group than he does for his own son’s physical and mental well being.

That is not love, it’s the height of selfishness.

This. I’m horrified at your DH’s ignorant and abusive attitude. He is a direct threat to your DSS mental health and wellbeing.
Why should you “back up” a total bigot?
Yiur daughter is the most mature and emotionally intelligent of the 3 of you.
Support DSS. All the way. He needs a compassionate adult, a loving person.

Did his Mum die from illness/accident or did she commit suicide?

First you need to actually find out what is going on with ss. Is he gay, a transexual or a transvestite. They are all very different to each other. My understanding is some males like to dress in women's clothes as a stress reliever, and has absolutely nothing to do with sexuality. It's quite often the result of childhood trauma connected to a significant woman in their lives.
As for dh, he has been brought up in a different culture and only you know him, and whether he will come round after the initial shock. He probably wouldn't have reacted as strongly to your daughter announcing that she's a lesbian. Whi knows, once he's calmed down, he may be relieved to have some answers to ss previous behaviour.

The boy is 17. There is no custody issue. He can live where he chooses.

DSS is likely just gay.

is your DH usually so unkind, so demeaning to someone he should be nurturing? He’s actively damaging your son. I would genuinely question whether our relationship had any longevity and would be asking DH to get therapy to help him self reflect on his own behaviour.

What reason could there be for a teenage boy to steal and wear a bra other than for sexual kicks? Of course it was violating that he stole his sister's bra! It's nefarious by definition.

OP you and his dad are royally fucking up with raising him. I appreciate that you're step mum but you've been the second parent for a decade so you are also responsible. The boy is unhappy, alienated and angry. His father is pushing him away rather than bringing him close. Have you considered family therapy?

The OP’s daughter is still a child. She didn’t consent to having her underwear taken for her stepbrother to wear - what’s he doing when he wears them? He doesn’t have breasts. How do you know it won’t “screw her up”, as you say? She may forever associate her own underwear with her own family member’s sexual gratification.

Children, especially girls, can need help establishing boundaries. The OP needs to take her out of that toxic, fetishy environment.

. DH thinks I’m undermining him and letting stepson do whatever he wants.

Why the fuck shouldn’t he be allowed to do what he wants?? He is harming absolutely no one doing what you described, it’s not even as if he has a younger brother who might be influenced by his ‘perverted’ behaviour (I mean WTF?!) This is the reason gay men get married and have children so they conform to their families expectations and end up miserable and causing misery to their families who are masking their true identity.

When he has the means, don’t be surprised if he moves out as soon as possible and goes no contact with you both. How utterly tragic for him. He has presumably lost his mum if he has been living with you from a young age and has discovered this aspect of himself which he clearly does not feel comfortable enough embracing openly. His home should be the one place he can do this.

Thank god for his utterly magnificent, supportive step sister. I hope he maintains contact with her - it sounds like he will very much need her love and support bless him.

For Fucks Sake, he wasn't stealing bras because he has a fetish, he wanted to wear them! I am female, and very glad to be so, but when I was the DSS's age, I hated going shopping for bras as it really embarrassed me, the same goes for menstrual products. So, if a bona fide young woman can be embarrassed by such things, just think how difficult it must be for a vulnerable male teenager who wants to either confirm to himself that he needs to be a woman, or to realise that that isn't the reason why he thinks he feels so different?

By the way, Hoarda, if breaking the law by stealing something is taken out of the equation, a fetish is only a bad thing if someone else gets hurt (mentally or physically) by the person's fetish, or if it screws up, and maybe ruins, the mental health of the person with the fetish.

However, I do agree with you that the poor lad's father is a Dick!

I would leave with my daughter. It’s not fair for her to live with a boy who’s stealing her underwear. Sounds like the beginning of a fetish

She’s not mature and supportive. Shes young and vulnerable and has been put in a horrible position by an older male who’s should know better.

It is horrible how often young girls are offered up to support distressed males without any consideration of how it affects them.

TBH I couldn’t have carried on being with a man who told his son that self harming was attention seeking, how are you even in a marriage with this man?