To ask if I’m being unreasonable? I feel so led on…

It's not just money he's opaque with though.

Does he have redeeming features that make his feinting, refusal to share information and make you equal/comfortable worthwhile?

He lives in your house. He earns less than you. He won't tell you the truth.

It's pretty damning.

Sounds. Like your DH has form for being tight and right from the getgo.

Not an attractive trait at all. As of now I'd be making him pay his fair share into the family coffers if he doesn't already.

I would act as though the money doesn’t exist and make sure that your DH knows never to talk about it or bank on it unless he’s willing to make full disclosure.

I’d definitely be saving for the DCs’ uni.

Yes I can see how it would be frustrating to not know where you stand and maybe that’s why your first post came across the way it did. But the tone did jar with me.

I usually think like that, but agree with the other posters. That money - if it exists - could have been used to protect OP from hardship, but no, it’s has to be dangled over her without her being allowed to benefit from it.

If the money keeps on being mentioned I’d consider leaving TB. Why are you supposed to be grateful for such indifference?

Whether the £ exists or not is irrelevant with people like this. Just assume you won’t see it.

Use your finest tinkly laugh to tell all DH and GP friends they’re upsetting the children with empty promises.

‘The little ones were so looking forward to Disneyland but Nanny changed her mind again!’

Oh good grief stop speculating on shit you don’t understand 🙄 That is exactly why trusts are used to avoid those sort of conflicts.

You need to find out exactly what you signed OP. Demand a copy. You could have signed away all your rights, or even the DCs, and be left with nothing in a divorce or even his death. You could be incurring punitive tax costs or you could be done for tax evasion.

You need to know.

I’d be a bit worried about exactly what I had signed to be honest

I’m going to go against the grain and say that it’s their money and all this talk about wanting to “access” it jars with me. No doubt you’ll inherit a nice sum when they die but until then they aren’t obliged to cover your family’s bills.

Even the way you describe them as frugal jars, as if you’re implying they’re mean and stingy to not be writing you massive cheques every five minutes. You say their money has been “siphoned off into trusts/accounts” - again, “siphoned off” has an undercurrent of accusation to it. Sounds to me like they’re just being sensible with how their invest it which most high earners are.

And I’m not sure why you blew up at your DH for suggesting it would be good for your children to work for things. That sounds like good parenting to me? They will one day inherit a lot of money, no bad thing to make sure they also have a work ethic.

Honestly you just sound quite resentful that they didn’t hand over all their cash to you on marriage. Is that what you had hoped for?

I would do exactly this OP.

Could you get independent financial advice about protecting your interests and those of your children? That way you could document exactly what you do and don't know about what is in trust for your children should anything arise in future.

Tell me you know nothing about trusts, without saying you know nothing 🙄

I would definitely feel the same as you, I don't think thats grabby at all. You're not asking for money, but he keeps saying there is lots but you're not allowed to know details. That's so patronising and annoying.
If you're the higher earner, what happens when you have a big expense like the new roof? Do you pay half then he has to make up the half using his trust money?

Because if you got divorced, you'd not be entitled to any of that money, whereas he would be entitled to half of yours. Can you set up your own trust for DC, pay into it, refuse to tell him any details, and force him to chip in more towards your bills because you're saving for DC future?

It’s extremely unpleasant behaviour - follows my Bad Family motto that the louder they promise help, the less you get.

Protect the DC.

DC need shielding from false hope - fake promises of lovely holidays, extras at school, trips and fun.

Darling Granny is only offering the cruelty of disappointment.

I have to deal with this, it's beyond draining and confusing and every time I get sucked in and start to believe I might not have to worry or pay back a giant loan (taken out in promise of something being paid for) I feel a fucking idiot all over again.

IMHE it's all about control, about reeling you in, keeping you in line and the power of dangling this mysterious money that is 'mine' apparently. I just respond with a 'un huh?' and ignore and try not to run up any more debt.

It's all a genuine way of avoiding paying tax (as opposed to evading which is illegal). As far as I am aware no one has to die either they just cannot access or benefit from any of the money once it is in trust. So for example if a building is in a trust the person who put it in to the trust cannot stay there.

Schrödinger's trust 😂

Unfortunately, you’ll find that these frugal (tight!) attitudes to money are passed down the generations so the likelihood of you ever seeing the money or being able to spend it is very slim.
It will always be squirelled away for a rainy day that never comes.

Why the fuck would your fil pay for your wedding or to fix your roof? Aside from that, tell your dh to stfu about the trust funds and his family money until its actually available.

The grandparents are dead.

They have apparently left money in trust but it appears to be Schrödinger's trust in that it simultaneously both exists for the kids benefit (in theory) and doesn't (in reality).

My ex-husband is also from a wealthy family. He was also vague and evasive about money for years. I just thought that was his way. It was exasperating but I trusted him. I should not have done. He was being vague and evasive so as to keep me in the dark about his massive financial deception. After 30 years of (I thought happy) marriage, he screwed me over and left me for someone else.

I'm not saying this is the case with your husband, OP. Just - look after yourself.

No I absolutely understand what you mean, financial planning as a couple involves asking eg how much do we need to save for retirement? How big a student loan will the DC need? What size house should we buy? Can we afford to gift the DC a house deposit?

Having unspecified money in an unspecified place to be used at an unspecified time...it's not very useful is it?

And presumably if some is in the dcs names they'll have to declare the interest when they start earning and paying tax - or they'll be massively in the shit if they ever claim UC and it turns out there's a million quid in an account somewhere with their name on they didn't know about!