To ask if I’m being unreasonable? I feel so led on…

It sounds like his parents, have protected their assets and also on behalf of your husband, to keep some gold digging spouse from getting her claws on it.

Yet as has been pointed out, if you divorce he can come after joint assets of the marriage. How utterly horrible.

OP Id be seriously considering how you can protect YOURSELF, asap.

You signed something without knowing what it was or asking for a copy of it?

What’s the point of a marriage without respect, trust, honesty, partnership? Your DH is denying you all these things.

I think it's perfectly obvious that the OP doesn't want to start living the high life on her DH's family Trust Fund - but just that she keeps being told "the money's there when you need it" and when they do need it (eg. to literally keep a roof over their heads) it's not forthcoming.

I know a woman who was married (now divorced for awful reasons) to a man with enormous wealth in the family, all tied up in mysterious offshore trusts. His great grandfather set up a company in the 1940s, which became hugely rich and successful, and was then sold.
She knew of the existence of the mysterious Trust Fund (the grandparents used to live in a Stately Home) but it was all very secretive.
They never saw any of it while she was married to her ex. She never sees him now (awful DV) but his father has passed away recently, so maybe he's a very rich man now.

It's definitely a tax-dodge, and also "keeps it in the family" - ie stops an outside spouse divorcing and taking half of it. There may well be strict rules/age restrictions to access it - but I would assume your DC will have a windfall one day.

I don’t have any advice Op, but your DH sounds like a knob (sorry). I have however leant a lot about trusts 😂 I hope you get to the bottom of it.

Sorry OP, but you have married an arsehole who thinks you are reallybdim and is giving you the tun around.
Not surprised at all that he moved into YOUR house.
He's a bullshiter and you have fallen for it.
You are tge higher earner too, that had a house?
Of course you did.
God knows what you signed.
I wouldn't trust him as far as I'd throw him.
Wake up OP.

I do think you need to talk to him "once and for all" as you suggest OP. This is a ridiculous situation. Are you partners in life, or not? He needs to set out exactly where your joint family stand now, and in the future.

To be honest, I strongly suspect that the trust doesn't exist at all and you are just being taken for a ride because you (a) own the house, and (b) are the higher earner. Could it be that DH thinks he needs to SEEM as if he were contributing financially to the relationship? The dispatching of SIL seems to marry up with that too - ask too many questions and you are closed down and shut out. I do hope this is not fictional and your marriage is not built on this lie (perhaps not built on it but it will surely disintegrate - if the trust is a lie then your other kind of trust will be broken through the exposure of this lie).

Do not let him obfuscate or hide the reality of his financial situation anymore. He owes it to you to be honest and upfront. Make him prove that it exists.

Where there’s a trust, there’s one or more trustees.

And trusts are not only about when people die. I have known people that put millions in offshore trusts to avoid taxation.

Trustees for offshore trusts can also be controlled in some provinces by Trust Protectors that control what the trustees do. For example one spouse (Settlor) puts stuff in trust, the other spouse is the Protector.

Ask to see the Trust Deeds.

Practically this makes a lot of sense.

I agree with this too -
No I absolutely understand what you mean, financial planning as a couple involves asking eg how much do we need to save for retirement? How big a student loan will the DC need? What size house should we buy? Can we afford to gift the DC a house deposit?
Having unspecified money in an unspecified place to be used at an unspecified time...it's not very useful is it?

You have to assume there is nothing there, and repeatedly say to dh that you don't want to hear any more about his fantasies as everything for your family is provided by you. If there is any truth in stories about him inheriting from his Grandparents, or in his father having set up trusts for your dc, then he needs to come up with detail, and evidence of them. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. There is something very wrong about him not only hoarding money whilst you (as a couple) are having to borrow money, but also the secrecy element of it.

Yes, exactly this. That's what it's for

I think this is a good way to start.

It seems he is happy to live in the house you own, and benefit from the fact you are the higher earner, but isn't prepared to use the money he has inherited from his Grandparents to contribute to your household or your family.

I would be seriously concerned about this.

How does he think this is reasonable ?

Money in trusts is often a way to ensure spouses don't get any of it in a divorce. With you being the main breadwinner and you saying he often dangles the carrot, I'm wondering if he's using it so you will keep him in a lifestyle he likes without risking any of his own money?

You're beginning to sound very pissed off with him, and as you reveal more about the way he talks about the money but won't be transparent about it, I can see why.

I agree with PP that, at least as far as you and the DC are concerned, you need to act as though those trusts don't exist. So that might mean you deciding you have to cut back on some things so you can put more money aside for your DC's schooling. But if he is insisting the trusts exist, maybe it's his expenses you can cut back on and he can decide if the trusts are worth accessing for himself?

My husband was kiek this about even spending our money when I was in absolute dire need to use soem money and not spending it sent me into a breakdown thag cost me every singe thjgn and made me so disabled k now can’t work

Really it wasn’t. If OP had phrased her first post as a desire for transparency within the marriage and the other very reasonable concerns that have come up since, I would have responded differently. The emphasis of the first post was however on the fact that the inlaws weren’t paying for enough things, and that’s what I found uncomfortable.

Please ignore dadtoteen who is either a troll or has an agenda. It is outrageous that you are kept in the dark, I wonder if you’re being taken for a fool. Otherwise, your oh is someone who plans on being the richest corpse in the graveyard

Because if you got divorced, you'd not be entitled to any of that money, whereas he would be entitled to half of yours. Can you set up your own trust for DC, pay into it, refuse to tell him any details, and force him to chip in more towards your bills because you're saving for DC future?

This is a very good point. Did you say the house is yours? Get that put in trust for your kids.

Family trusts are normally done to avoid inheritance tax (though the current government is trying to close that loophole), but they can also be created for other reasons, especially to protect family assets in the case of a difficult divorce.

Well yes, if the purpose is to maintain and grow wealth for future generations. Money isn’t just there to be spent or lost in divorce, but to offer stability and security.

This absolute nonsense will slowly eat away at you, it would anyone, lots of grandparents have trusts set up to pay for private ed for the grand kids, its also a tax dodge,has this ever been mentioned?
You are a high earner, your house, get rid of him, tell him to move back in with mummy they can sit counting their trust funds that dont exist.
If they did exist and are for 'rainy days' the fact your little one needed an operation and quickly there should have been no question of giving your the ££ for it, they sound a mean vile family

One other thought - money in trusts isn’t necessarily liquid - you may not be able to access it quickly and may need to give notice (eg 90 days etc.) or it may be invested in property, companies, etc. and not easily accessed at all for small costs such as a roof or medical expenses. In those instances taking a small loan or popping on a card may well make more financial sense, backward though it may seem.

it may also be your spouse doesn’t actually know the ins and outs or specific amounts. Up until recently, I didn’t know the exact details of my parents financials, and I’m fairly sure my siblings still do not - it’s not that unusual to be told there are investments / grandchildren will be provided for etc. but not to know / be able to access them.

Generational wealth exists because generally people don’t spend it on day to day living. It’s a little perverse but it is genuinely just how it is in some families.

This. There is no point in having the trust fund if it is of no benefit to the ‘beneficiaries’.

Projection…

N9t all trusts give put money when the beneficiary reaches a certain age. The DH may be a beneficiary of a trust but has no control over when he gets his hands on any of it.

For example, imagine that the Blenkinsopp-Smythe's great great grandfather made his fortune from the sugar plantations in the West Indies and set up a trust to benefit his descendants. The trustees main aim might be to ensure this massive fortune is not frittered away by flighty ne'er-do-wells who want to spend the money on wine and cochineal, or who get married to women from whom they later get divorced an dto whom they have to surrender half their worldly goods. It's much safer not to give DH a couple of hundred thousand in case he has to give it away to a wretched woman!

For people who have serious wealth, the preservation of that wealth becomes and end in itself. They don't think that 'money is only useful for the good it can do and the pleasure it can bring'. They think 'I've got lots of money and the only thing better than having lots of money is to have more of it'.

Wealth changes people - and the wealthier they are, the more it changes them. It's like Tolkien's ring...

Is it possible that although your husband knows the money exists, he doesn't actually know the full details himself??? Could it be that the reason he's vague or skirts around the issue, is because he doesn't know the answers???

Your husband's vagueness would annoy me, so I do understand your frustration. It's not about being money grabby. It's about being able to financially plan for the future.

You have Trust funds being waved around, but no real tangible information or any knowledge of the amounts involved. One minute your husband is talking as if your children can go through university without the worry of debt, and in the next breath, he's saying the children need to make their own way!! So which is it going to be???

I would plan, as if the money doesn't exist. If your husband mentions the Trust funds again, I'd roll my eyes and say 'Not the fictional Trust funds with the non-existent money again'. If he protests be blunt 'I don't want to hear about Trust funds that you don't seem to know anything about or don't want me to know anything about...I mean I'm only your wife'.

in keen to her the update.

What kind of family would let health issues be put on a credit card knowing the money was there?

You need transparency on the state of your own, you and DH, and your DCs finances.
I’d say you want (both of you) to get your affairs / will / POA etc in order and need this information to hand. Ask to see receipts.

Id be getting my ducks in a row around my personal pension and the ownership of the property… and any loans for house repairs etc would be viewed from a different lens indeed…