To ask if I’m being unreasonable? I feel so led on…

Just act like the money isnt there! Most people dont have access to a pot of money and fund their lives themselves so just work on that basis and if it appears at some point take it as a bonus. Its his parents money, completely and utterly up to them when they spend it and on what.

You are the main breadwinner but your DH is basically claiming that he and his side of the family are the ones bank-rolling your family when it is actually patently untrue. These trusts are like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Just a myth or a dream so your DH can feel good about himself and his family.

Tell him that you don't want to hear about this imaginary money/largesse from his family any more.

I agree with others who are saying this is all engineered to make sure your H walks away with as much as possible and you with as little as possible in the event of a divorce. You made sure you all have a home to live in, you are the higher earner and biggest contributor to the household finances. Whatever savings and pensions you have accumulated will be shared, whatever he has set aside in the trusts won't be. Basically, what's yours is shared, what's his is his. It's not surprising that they paid for the wedding as a fancy wedding is something they can show off. For anything less visable they have no interest to pay for as they know you will have to pay.

A trust is a neat legal structure, or it isn't a Trust. It must be registered with HMRC and will have to file returns until it can demonstrate it is none tax paying. It won't be a Bare Trust as that would give access at 18 regardless, so it will be discretionary and under the relevant property rules. If you have enough money to speak in terms of trusts, you are going to get some advice and I can assure you this is not going to be notional money under the mattress.

One common use of trusts is to keep money legally protected from wives/husbands. This might be the real reason unfortunately which given you are the higher earner/I assume currently contributing more is a bit ridiculous. In a divorce he may get half your house and you get zero of his trust.

There is this and the fact he would get a share if your house, your inheritance, on divorce. And how it would impact your children if it is in their name but they cannot access it.

I think you need independent legal and financial advice.

@JustSwan do your children hear chatter about money “being there”? I grew up being told we’d have a significant inheritance, and my oldest sibling got their share early so it did definitely exist at one point…but once my father passed away my mother spent it all whilst still pretending it was there. It’s the lies that still hurt, and the fact she didn’t care we were making financial decisions without accurate fats. And worse of all - my brother has no relationship with us as he’s uncomfortable about the disparity in wealth/life circumstances between us…she’d led him to believe for years that we had had our money too but had frittered it away.

All of that is simply to say - you really need to sit and calmly discuss facts with your DH for your children’s sake. And never ever sign anything else without getting your solicitor to check it!!

OP your husband is lying to you. Tell him he either needs to tell you the truth or get out of your house.

This is about control. I would refuse to engage at all with their weird macho posturing and as the higher earner I would be looking at ways of keeping some money back for myself and my DC.

Has contributing to these family trusts effected your DH's contributions to your family unit?

I’m late to this thread but was just about to say this…

@JustSwan - in your shoes I would consult with a family solicitor to find out where you would stand if you were ever to divorce. (Look for someone who is used to working with a forensic accountant.) I’m concerned that your house would be considered marital property, whereas his trusts might not.

I also would have insisted on total transparency and copies of all financial paperwork - but I fear that boat may have sailed long ago as your husband is clearly totally uncooperative and very secretive, and controlling.

Bottomline: the two of you are not a team and you could end up in a very vulnerable position. You need to look after your own best interests - because no one else will…

Cynical opinion, but id be hugely concerned:

Sounds more like your DH has done something deceitful to access money that required your signature. For instance, a secured loan against the house?

I dont believe these "trusts" exist at all. I suspect DH may have a gaming addiction or similar, and is using these "untouchable trust funds" as the cover for if he ever wins big.

If he never does, then thats why the funds are untouchable.

And of course, the constant "dont worry its there" is to keep you from pushing further.

I hope im wrong, but I fear that I may not be.

YABU for spending £20k on a wedding

Leaving aside the trust funds, which if not fictional, appear to be so inaccessible as to be irrelevant....what does your DH contribute to your current finances? You say you are the higher earner, by how much, are you subsidising him? What is the situation with your house, you say that as far as you are concerned the house belongs to both of you, did you ever put this on a legal footing? You said that when he first moved in he needed to be told to contribute, this a huge red flag. Was his plan to live off you until the mysterious money kicked in? Sorry for all the questions, but honestly there's so much to unpick with your current setup, never mind any future finances.

I do get it a tiny bit from his side. I grew up with wealthy families (we were on the working class end). Trust funds, expensive first cars, houses paid for etc. a lot of the children going to uni for free bombed out after 1 year. Agree with your previous post. Tell DH unless you are allowed to know specifics, you never want to talk about them again.

Sounds like a story to me. I know you signed something but it might have been some minor thing..It's probably exaggerated or made up entirely. And frankly if your husband is that vague and almost taunting about it , then i think it's almost counting as financial abuse. Are you sure he's not being played by his own parents and that's why he's so unclear.......cos he actually doesn't really undrdtand it orcfeel confident about it himself. Ive definitely come across people who go on like this about money and property etc etc and it was all bullshit.

I would simply carry on in life as though they’re not available. If your children eventually benefit then wonderful. Save yourself the stress.

How on earth can a marriage thrive on this level of secrecy and mistrust? Either he tells you what the money is for and how much and when you can access it (as a family), or he buggers off and finds another wife he can be weirdly financially controlling over.

I don't think it would be any of your business if your DH had not told you that this money was there to be used if your kids needed it. It would drive me fucking nuts to have been told it was there if they needed it and then to be putting medical bills on credit cards and potentially getting the kids to take out loans or taking them out yourselves for education. Posters loftily accusing you of not understanding how trusts work are completely missing the point imho. Trusts work in all sorts of different ways, there could be various trusts serving different purposes, but you can't possibly understand what's going on here if your husband doesn't tell you.

You're assuming this is all in neat legal tax efficient trusts but it could actually be under a mattress, or in a current account at the nationwide, or not exist at all - the DH won't discuss details

I would look into what you signed OP. I did exactly the same thing, turned out I had signed an agreement, for a Trust fund which meant the Trust skipped a generation and went straight to grandchildren.
This might be what you and your husband want, it certainly wasn't what I wanted.
Trust funds are a nightmare and you need to understand what you signed.

I mean, if your husband has access to this money but is refusing to use it then that’s daft, paying interest on loans and credit cards needlessly is a massive waste of money. Insisting your children take on huge high interest debts for University when they could go debt-free is an even bigger waste of money. So, either he’s an idiot, or he does not have access to the money, in which case why is saying that he (or ‘you two’) have money when you don’t?

I actually thought I might have written your OP in a haze of stress as I feel exactly the same!

My OH (not married, we have 2 kids) hails from an exact family dynamic like this. His parents are multi multi millionaires through the selling of his Dad’s business. Over the years his dad has given his 3 sons chunks of money; his dad controls all those decisions. His mum has no say. That’s how they have always lived.

I don’t know under what conditions it was given. Everything is hush hush and secretive in his family. I do
know my OH has stuffed it into premium
bonds, cash isas and such like. He hasn’t done any research or tried to find the best place to stash it . He states it’s ’for the kids’. But admits that wasn’t stipulated when it was given. But it’s not tied up in anything like LISAS etc, or SIPPs. He hasn’t even heard of those or interested in them. Believe me I’ve tried.

His parents (dad) hate spending money and are frugal to the extreme. My OH never spends anything beyond the absolute essentials.

We desperately need work doing on our house. He insists we get a bank loan (paid half by me) to do essential repairs.

i have refused. I refuse to work even more OT whilst he has literally hundreds of thousands of pounds stuffed away in banks etc. That he could use. But won’t.

The kids mean me leaving due to this is a big decision. But he is/ has ruined our relationship with this viewpoint.

Sorry to hijack your thread. You’re not alone.

At the absolute minimum, see and read the document you signed. And never sign anything without reading it again. Otherwise I agree with the comments about ignoring the money. Though it doesn't seem like an equal partnership financially, with you contributing more. I hope he does his share in other areas of your life.

You’ve been a bit foolish by signing things you know nothing about and not protecting your solely owned asset. You need to sit your ‘d’h down and tell him to get real re; finances. He needs to earn more and chip in more now to secure you and your children’s future. Don’t be fobbed off by the mythical money. Try to find out what you signed and take independent legal advice on the implications.

My nephew got into potentially awful trouble for failing to declare interest on an account he didn't know he had, because his grandfather had opened an account for him as a baby but had never told him about it.

Insist on seeing full details of everything that is in the children's names so that you can protect their interests.