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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my husband is in love with another woman.

359 replies

ponytailcapbadge · 10/01/2026 18:59

Sorry this is a name change and a long one so as not to drip feed. I would like to hear people’s opinions as I am considering leaving my DH as he is in love with someone else, lets call her Sarah. He has known Sarah since they were 4 years old. Their parents and grandparents were all friends.She is who is parents thought he should and would marry and she is utterly adored by his who family. She called his parents mum and dad. My husband claims they were never an item (although he wished they were) and they have only kissed once when they were teenagers. She’s nothing to look at but has done very well in her career. We are now all in our late 50s.
This is a second marriage for both me and DH. I met him and his DW at work. I was friends with his DW1 and she would often speak about Sarah and how much she hated her and how she had banned her husband from ever contacting her. When DH marriage broke up, I was already divorced and we started seeing each other. Unfortunately in the job we do this is utterly banned and within 2 weeks we were discovered and he was sacked on the spot. He also lost his home at the same time as it went with the job. I was protected because he was my boss and so was considered a victim. DH had to move in with me and I supported him while he searched for a new career. I wanted a commitment from him and he proposed in a very theatrical way within 6 months of us getting together and it was wonderful – or so I thought.

It turned out that he had immediately got in contact with Sarah when his marriage failed and was messaging her several times a day. They also met up at her house. She told him not to marry me. At this point I understood why DW1 hated her. We got married anyway. It’s fair to say it’s been a pretty tempestuous union. My career has skyrocketed and I’ve moved up through the ranks. He’s struggled to find work and earns now a fraction of what he did when we worked together. I knew that he still thought about her and once he called out her name during sex.
When his mother died Sarah turned up at the funeral. I was furious that she should insert herself into our family grief. When DH father died a few years later she also came to that funeral and had the cheek to bring her husband and child as well. I told him in no uncertain terms that if he spoke to her there that the marriage would be over. She glared at me the whole time.
After the funeral I said he could never speak to Sarah again and told him to remove all social media links to her. I don’t understand why Sarah’s husband hadn’t stopped them speaking to each other.
It’s been 6 years and I really thought she was out of our lives and then on NYE his phone pinged.I checked his phone and it was a text from Sarah saying HNY. I then realised she is never going to be gone from our lives. Our respective kids are almost grown up. AIBU to think now is the time to call this a day. I’ve never even spoken to this woman and yet I want to kill her. I hate what she has done to my marriage. Do I really want to spend the last part of my life with a man who is in love with someone else?

OP posts:
DarkForces · 10/01/2026 20:57

ponytailcapbadge · 10/01/2026 20:53

I'm sorry - I'm not a crazy,. I'm a nice rational person. I do a responsible job. I dont understand why I just cant get this bit of my life sorted and its tearing me apart. Maybe I shouldnt have given the back story but I didnt want to drip feed.

It's ok. We don't need the whole story. Stay if you like to be miserable, obsess about another woman and behave badly at funerals. Leave if you want to try to regain some sanity and perspective. You married a shit bloke too fast and ignored the red flags. It happens. The only question is where you go next and how much you enjoy 'tempestuous' relationships

ZookeeperSE · 10/01/2026 20:54

It’s an absolute mystery as to why the husband prefers Sarah, isn’t it?

Original poster
ponytailcapbadge · 10/01/2026 20:53

I'm sorry - I'm not a crazy,. I'm a nice rational person. I do a responsible job. I dont understand why I just cant get this bit of my life sorted and its tearing me apart. Maybe I shouldnt have given the back story but I didnt want to drip feed.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 10/01/2026 20:53

Gahr · 10/01/2026 20:46

I don't think that OP was the reason he broke up with his first wife? That's not how I read it, anyway.

Show quote history

Well OP has kind of admitted earlier on this thread that they got together before his marriage broke up…

loislovesstewie · 10/01/2026 20:53

When I saw ' my husband is in love with another woman' I was prepared to be sympathetic to a poor woman whose husband was playing away. Now, I feel sorry for her poor sap if a husband.

Tdcp · 10/01/2026 20:52

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 10/01/2026 19:29

Their parents and grandparents were all friends.She is who is parents thought he should and would marry and she is utterly adored by his who family. She called his parents mum and dad.

  • And you are incredibly jealous of that I think.
... I was friends with his DW1 and she would often speak about Sarah and how much she hated her and how she had banned her husband from ever contacting her.
  • Cool move, I'm sure a divorced wife has no axe to grind.
... She told him not to marry me.
  • Sounds like that might have been sage advice.
... When his mother died Sarah turned up at the funeral. I was furious that she should insert herself into our family grief. When DH father died a few years later she also came to that funeral and had the cheek to bring her husband and child as well.
  • yeah, not like she thought of them as parents ... oh, wait, what was that she called them
... I told him in no uncertain terms that if he spoke to her there that the marriage would be over.
  • that sounds like rational behaviour at a funeral
She glared at me the whole time.
  • really? you didn't do the glaring? but apparently never took your eyes off her.
After the funeral I said he could never speak to Sarah again and told him to remove all social media links to her.
  • another rational move (classy!)
... I don’t understand why Sarah’s husband hadn’t stopped them speaking to each other.
  • perhaps because he's not an irrational dick?
... I’ve never even spoken to this woman and yet I want to kill her.
  • yeah, that's a rational point of view.
... I hate what she has done to my marriage.
  • I think it's what you've done with your irrational behaviour fueled by DW1's opinion of "Sarah"

You've never talked to her.
You mention nothing about them getting it on together
Her husband seems full aware.
Oh, and as you put it, "She's nothing special to look at"

You're not just being unreasonable. You're being Carslberg level unreasonable.

I think you should leave him. You obviously consider yourself to be far superior to him with your much better career. And I suspect he'd feel much more relaxed in your absence.

If the sexes were reversed here, I think everyone would be aghast at how controlling you're being and advising him to secret money away and telling him how he's entitled to 50% of your (undoubtedly large) pension.

Seconded.

DarkForces · 10/01/2026 20:52

LoveWine123 · 10/01/2026 20:49

So you had an affair with your boss (probably still married at the time), started living with him within a couple of weeks and then demanded marriage so he proposed within six months. And now you are wondering why things are not going well for you…

It's a mystery 😂

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 10/01/2026 20:51

I’ve just realised as well that you guys getting together lost him his job and he’s struggled to get a new one whilst your career has flourished.

it all seems a bit mean.

getting married anyway - feels likes it a bit of a competition with Sarah?

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 10/01/2026 20:50

WhoGrant · 10/01/2026 20:48

I don’t understand why Sarah’s husband hadn’t stopped them speaking to each other.

Because he’s normal 🤷‍♀️

This. Because he’s a rational human who can see a man can speak to a woman and vice versa without palpitations!

HoseGoblin · 10/01/2026 20:50

Team Sarah in this obviously made up rage bait post.

You jumped the shark when you admitted you were the other woman and when you were nonsensically annoyed that she showed up to the funeral of a woman she called "mum". Nice try though.

Gahr · 10/01/2026 20:50

This entire scenario reminds me of Pulp's song Disco 2000. What a mess all around, although I think people are being a bit hard on the OP.

Livelovebehappy · 10/01/2026 20:50

I’m guessing his DW1, who you say was a friend, is as much unhappy with you as you are with Sarah. If I was DW1, I would be highly suspicious that your relationship with her DH started way before they split up.

LoveWine123 · 10/01/2026 20:49

So you had an affair with your boss (probably still married at the time), started living with him within a couple of weeks and then demanded marriage so he proposed within six months. And now you are wondering why things are not going well for you…

justasmalltownmum · 10/01/2026 20:49

She has a right to attend the funerals.

WhoGrant · 10/01/2026 20:48

I don’t understand why Sarah’s husband hadn’t stopped them speaking to each other.

Because he’s normal 🤷‍♀️

DeepBlueDeer · 10/01/2026 20:47

AD1509 · 10/01/2026 20:31

This is ridiculous. Your husband is clearly interested in this lady and is actively making moves. You should decide what you are going to do about it?

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The old "see them when they turn up at your parent's funeral, then wait years to receive a generic holiday wish by text message" move.

Guy's got game!

MNLurker1345 · 10/01/2026 20:47

ponytailcapbadge · 10/01/2026 19:40

ok I admit we did get together when technically he was still married ,but their marriage was over, she was extremely abusive towards him and I was a shoulder to cry on and developed from that. What I'm struggling with is why wont Sarah just leave him alone. She knows I dont like her. She knows that he is meant to be no contact with him. Why doesnt she stick with her own husband rather than messaging mine? i cant sleep since I saw that text. It makes me wonder what else is going on.

I met my husband when he was separated, I will advise all women that the separated zone is a dicey one. Anyway we made it through, still together, ex now gone, 17 years on. But your situation OP is another level of complex. Childhood sweethearts!

I know men can be evasive and controlling to the point of shutting down communication, but we do need to ask ourselves, if we are in a relationship with an other that would do this, why we are in this relationship?

I know it is not easy, I was in a long term relationship from the age of 17, with a young man that did not have my best interests at heart, it took me 13 years to finally have the strength to leave, it was actually having my DD that propelled me to leave and I never looked back. I digress!

But OP, it is not this woman’s fault. It is your husband’s and he is the one, and only one at
fault here.

This woman had every right to be at the funerals of his parents.

Why do you blame this women for the woes of your marriage and not your husband?

Crudd99 · 10/01/2026 20:46

shhblackbag · 10/01/2026 19:20

Me either.

'Nothing to look at' might make you feel better, cutting as it is, but your problem is your husband.

Show quote history

This

Gahr · 10/01/2026 20:46

PixieDust91 · 10/01/2026 19:05

Not sure why you are surprised a married man, that you hooked up with before this horrible relationship was solidified in marriage, cheated and wants to cheat on you, and is probably cheating on you as we're over here all scratching our heads.

You said yes to marrying a cheater. Why shocked you're getting the same treatment as his other partners?

Divorce him and next time, don't shack up with non-divorced men.

I don't think that OP was the reason he broke up with his first wife? That's not how I read it, anyway.

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 10/01/2026 20:45

Wishimaywishimight · 10/01/2026 19:19

You walked into this with your eyes wide open. It is difficult for you, of course, but hardly surprising?

I doubt she will ever be out of your lives, up to you if you want to spend the rest of your life like this.

This, what a mess. And nice shallow input.. She’s nothing to look at but has done very well in her career. ….
in your opinion “She’s nothing to look at” Miss Universe 2025 are you?

Uhghg · 10/01/2026 20:45

When his mother died Sarah turned up at the funeral. I was furious that she should insert herself into our family grief. When DH father died a few years later she also came to that funeral and had the cheek to bring her husband and child as well.

YABVU

They are basically family and at least best friends.

They’ve known each other since they were 4 years old and she calls his parents mum and dad - of course she’s going to be at their funeral.
She has more right to be there than you.

Of course she’d advise him to not marry you.
He lost his job dnd moved in with you and was engaged within 6 months - I’d be advising anyone to not marry in this situation.

Honestly, I don’t think he was separated from his wife and so you are paranoid that he’s going to do the same to you as he did his last wife.

You will never remove this woman from your life.
If you don’t like her in it then you need to end things.
You don’t get to be controlling and tell him who he can and can’t speak to.

Hankunamatata · 10/01/2026 20:44

Your were his wife's friend then you still dating him even though

  1. work wouldn't allow it
  2. he was still married
  3. his wife was your friend!

You reap what you sow

francii · 10/01/2026 20:44

I’m really confused why you were friends with his ex wife since you’ve now drip fed that she was abusive to him? So by your words you were friends with his abuser, then you’ve controlled and hurt him (telling him something is marriage ending at his own parents funeral). As I said before id be leaving him, Sarah isn’t the problem here it’s you. He obviously isn’t a saint as he took advantage of you but your behaviour is insane.

3luckystars · 10/01/2026 20:42

Of course she would go to his parents funerals? What are you on about?

I know in some places people would get into trouble for having a relationship, but he got sacked in the spot? I know you can’t tell me your job but what industry is this?

brightbevs · 10/01/2026 20:42

Have you heard yourself?! It sounds like she barely contacts him. She probably doesn’t think about it at all, and yet you spend all this time concerned with her. Do you feel like he would leave you for her if she wanted him? If not, why are you bothered? If yes, why are you with him?