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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my husband is in love with another woman.

359 replies

ponytailcapbadge · 10/01/2026 18:59

Sorry this is a name change and a long one so as not to drip feed. I would like to hear people’s opinions as I am considering leaving my DH as he is in love with someone else, lets call her Sarah. He has known Sarah since they were 4 years old. Their parents and grandparents were all friends.She is who is parents thought he should and would marry and she is utterly adored by his who family. She called his parents mum and dad. My husband claims they were never an item (although he wished they were) and they have only kissed once when they were teenagers. She’s nothing to look at but has done very well in her career. We are now all in our late 50s.
This is a second marriage for both me and DH. I met him and his DW at work. I was friends with his DW1 and she would often speak about Sarah and how much she hated her and how she had banned her husband from ever contacting her. When DH marriage broke up, I was already divorced and we started seeing each other. Unfortunately in the job we do this is utterly banned and within 2 weeks we were discovered and he was sacked on the spot. He also lost his home at the same time as it went with the job. I was protected because he was my boss and so was considered a victim. DH had to move in with me and I supported him while he searched for a new career. I wanted a commitment from him and he proposed in a very theatrical way within 6 months of us getting together and it was wonderful – or so I thought.

It turned out that he had immediately got in contact with Sarah when his marriage failed and was messaging her several times a day. They also met up at her house. She told him not to marry me. At this point I understood why DW1 hated her. We got married anyway. It’s fair to say it’s been a pretty tempestuous union. My career has skyrocketed and I’ve moved up through the ranks. He’s struggled to find work and earns now a fraction of what he did when we worked together. I knew that he still thought about her and once he called out her name during sex.
When his mother died Sarah turned up at the funeral. I was furious that she should insert herself into our family grief. When DH father died a few years later she also came to that funeral and had the cheek to bring her husband and child as well. I told him in no uncertain terms that if he spoke to her there that the marriage would be over. She glared at me the whole time.
After the funeral I said he could never speak to Sarah again and told him to remove all social media links to her. I don’t understand why Sarah’s husband hadn’t stopped them speaking to each other.
It’s been 6 years and I really thought she was out of our lives and then on NYE his phone pinged.I checked his phone and it was a text from Sarah saying HNY. I then realised she is never going to be gone from our lives. Our respective kids are almost grown up. AIBU to think now is the time to call this a day. I’ve never even spoken to this woman and yet I want to kill her. I hate what she has done to my marriage. Do I really want to spend the last part of my life with a man who is in love with someone else?

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 10/01/2026 22:25

You got married under insane circumstances frankly. The cheating, job, homeless. Horrible foundation and really him losing his job due to the relationship. Getting engaged after 6 months seems like a cry for help more than anything.

any good friend would tell him he would be stipid to get married. He should’ve taken time to sort his life out clearly as the subsequent years for him have been shit.

not sure why you forced the committed relationship so early on, when things were tumultuous, you essentially gave him an ultimatum when he was jobless and homeless. It was out of desperation ffs!

I have no inkling based on your examples that Sarah is some femme fatale after your husband other than she attended close family funerals and said happy new year.

your DH doesn’t seem like some catch she’s hankering after by your own admission.

MrsColinRobinson · 10/01/2026 22:24

ponytailcapbadge · 10/01/2026 20:53

I'm sorry - I'm not a crazy,. I'm a nice rational person. I do a responsible job. I dont understand why I just cant get this bit of my life sorted and its tearing me apart. Maybe I shouldnt have given the back story but I didnt want to drip feed.

You're really not coming across as a nice person.

GarlicSound · 10/01/2026 22:22

EchoesOfOurDreams · 10/01/2026 21:05

I actually don't think the post is real because of that detail. People don't actually do that outside of movies/TV do they?

Show quote history

Erm, I've done it. One or two of my partners have done it. There was quite a long recent thread about it, it's not that unusual!

It does tell you something, yes, but not necessarily that the person who embarrassingly called the wrong name is in love with its owner. A brain in mid-orgasm doesn't work very logically.

MrsColinRobinson · 10/01/2026 22:21

Shoutinglagerlagerlager · 10/01/2026 19:20

I don’t think Sarah’s the problem here 😂And I’d expect a good friend to tell him not to marry someone he’d been seeing for 6 months, so soon after his last marriage ended.
Sarah had every right to attend the funerals of his parents.

This sums it up perfectly.

Your husband should definitely call time on this awful marriage.

sunnieday · 10/01/2026 22:20

I dont blame him if you think describing a woman as " nothing to look" is ok

Mumtobabyhavoc · 10/01/2026 22:19

Is her name Camilla? 🤔

PixieDust91 · 10/01/2026 22:19

FrodoBiggins · 10/01/2026 19:24

Eh? Are you judging her for sleeping with him before marriage?
She says she got with DH after his marriage was over.

Agree with others Sarah isn't the problem, she sounds like a perfectly normal childhood friend. Your DH is the problem, he's proudly infatuated with her and also sounds like a bit of a wetter. Your behaviour at the funerals was awful.

Show quote history

No she didnt??? Can you not read? She made is clear in her FIRST post that she was the one divorced and she got with him while he was still in his marriage. Cheaters helping each other cheat and then surprised they are getting cheated on LMAO

VividPinkTraybake · 10/01/2026 22:18

Gymnopedie · 10/01/2026 20:00

Why doesnt she stick with her own husband rather than messaging mine? i cant sleep since I saw that text. It makes me wonder what else is going on.

Because she doesn't want him but she absolutely laps it up that he wants her. So she involves herself just enough to keep him keen, she doesn't want to lose the thrill of knowing how he feels.

Though I'm not sure that is the only reason she appeared at the funerals, the families go back a long way and seem very intertwined, but it would nonetheless have had the same effect and she may not have been too sad about that.

By going to a funeral of people she knew since being a child, and by saying Happy New Year, she truly burn the harlot for that....

EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/01/2026 22:16

I don’t know, she could be like a sister to him. I have a close friend who I know my whole life. I love him as family and his siblings.
If he is romantically in love it is all fantasy, she probably was worried about him rushing into a marriage. Do you have a good relationship otherwise?

u3ername · 10/01/2026 22:15

What were they texting each other?

Am I understanding correctly that you feel that this woman likes your dh attention and is sort of manipulating him/ keeping his hopes up as some sort of plan b for herself?

Other than that how is your relationship? You said there’s income differences- is your dh resentful towards you for losing his job? How is he treating you and your (now grown up) children?

PixieDust91 · 10/01/2026 22:14

VividPinkTraybake · 10/01/2026 22:10

Can you tell me exactly where you sre getting your anger towards anyone other than the OP from? Where has Op been made a fool?

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The fact that she got with this man while he was not divorced from his previous marriage puts a huge red flag on her moral compass. Don't know why she's surprised he's doing similar if not the same to her. She helped him cheat on his wife before her, and now another lady is in her shoes but this time she's the clown at home while hubby has eyes for yet another woman that is not his own. LOL How the circle is formed.

VividPinkTraybake · 10/01/2026 22:10

PixieDust91 · 10/01/2026 19:05

Not sure why you are surprised a married man, that you hooked up with before this horrible relationship was solidified in marriage, cheated and wants to cheat on you, and is probably cheating on you as we're over here all scratching our heads.

You said yes to marrying a cheater. Why shocked you're getting the same treatment as his other partners?

Divorce him and next time, don't shack up with non-divorced men.

Can you tell me exactly where you sre getting your anger towards anyone other than the OP from? Where has Op been made a fool?

Whaleandsnail6 · 10/01/2026 22:08

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 10/01/2026 19:29

Their parents and grandparents were all friends.She is who is parents thought he should and would marry and she is utterly adored by his who family. She called his parents mum and dad.

  • And you are incredibly jealous of that I think.
... I was friends with his DW1 and she would often speak about Sarah and how much she hated her and how she had banned her husband from ever contacting her.
  • Cool move, I'm sure a divorced wife has no axe to grind.
... She told him not to marry me.
  • Sounds like that might have been sage advice.
... When his mother died Sarah turned up at the funeral. I was furious that she should insert herself into our family grief. When DH father died a few years later she also came to that funeral and had the cheek to bring her husband and child as well.
  • yeah, not like she thought of them as parents ... oh, wait, what was that she called them
... I told him in no uncertain terms that if he spoke to her there that the marriage would be over.
  • that sounds like rational behaviour at a funeral
She glared at me the whole time.
  • really? you didn't do the glaring? but apparently never took your eyes off her.
After the funeral I said he could never speak to Sarah again and told him to remove all social media links to her.
  • another rational move (classy!)
... I don’t understand why Sarah’s husband hadn’t stopped them speaking to each other.
  • perhaps because he's not an irrational dick?
... I’ve never even spoken to this woman and yet I want to kill her.
  • yeah, that's a rational point of view.
... I hate what she has done to my marriage.
  • I think it's what you've done with your irrational behaviour fueled by DW1's opinion of "Sarah"

You've never talked to her.
You mention nothing about them getting it on together
Her husband seems full aware.
Oh, and as you put it, "She's nothing special to look at"

You're not just being unreasonable. You're being Carslberg level unreasonable.

I think you should leave him. You obviously consider yourself to be far superior to him with your much better career. And I suspect he'd feel much more relaxed in your absence.

If the sexes were reversed here, I think everyone would be aghast at how controlling you're being and advising him to secret money away and telling him how he's entitled to 50% of your (undoubtedly large) pension.

All of this. Perfectly put

beansontoast85 · 10/01/2026 22:04

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 10/01/2026 19:29

Their parents and grandparents were all friends.She is who is parents thought he should and would marry and she is utterly adored by his who family. She called his parents mum and dad.

  • And you are incredibly jealous of that I think.
... I was friends with his DW1 and she would often speak about Sarah and how much she hated her and how she had banned her husband from ever contacting her.
  • Cool move, I'm sure a divorced wife has no axe to grind.
... She told him not to marry me.
  • Sounds like that might have been sage advice.
... When his mother died Sarah turned up at the funeral. I was furious that she should insert herself into our family grief. When DH father died a few years later she also came to that funeral and had the cheek to bring her husband and child as well.
  • yeah, not like she thought of them as parents ... oh, wait, what was that she called them
... I told him in no uncertain terms that if he spoke to her there that the marriage would be over.
  • that sounds like rational behaviour at a funeral
She glared at me the whole time.
  • really? you didn't do the glaring? but apparently never took your eyes off her.
After the funeral I said he could never speak to Sarah again and told him to remove all social media links to her.
  • another rational move (classy!)
... I don’t understand why Sarah’s husband hadn’t stopped them speaking to each other.
  • perhaps because he's not an irrational dick?
... I’ve never even spoken to this woman and yet I want to kill her.
  • yeah, that's a rational point of view.
... I hate what she has done to my marriage.
  • I think it's what you've done with your irrational behaviour fueled by DW1's opinion of "Sarah"

You've never talked to her.
You mention nothing about them getting it on together
Her husband seems full aware.
Oh, and as you put it, "She's nothing special to look at"

You're not just being unreasonable. You're being Carslberg level unreasonable.

I think you should leave him. You obviously consider yourself to be far superior to him with your much better career. And I suspect he'd feel much more relaxed in your absence.

If the sexes were reversed here, I think everyone would be aghast at how controlling you're being and advising him to secret money away and telling him how he's entitled to 50% of your (undoubtedly large) pension.

This is a f brilliant response! 👏👏👏

bumptybum · 10/01/2026 22:04

ponytailcapbadge · 10/01/2026 19:40

ok I admit we did get together when technically he was still married ,but their marriage was over, she was extremely abusive towards him and I was a shoulder to cry on and developed from that. What I'm struggling with is why wont Sarah just leave him alone. She knows I dont like her. She knows that he is meant to be no contact with him. Why doesnt she stick with her own husband rather than messaging mine? i cant sleep since I saw that text. It makes me wonder what else is going on.

You are angry at the wrong person.

the person you should be angry with is your DH.

Sarah has been a thorn in the side ifv2 marriages now BECAUSE YOUR DH CHOOSES HER TO BE THERE

andfinallyhereweare · 10/01/2026 22:02

She’s not much too look at- you lost me there

Goingootforawalk · 10/01/2026 22:00

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 10/01/2026 20:58

@ponytailcapbadge

I think you've had some really harsh responses. His first wife wasn't imagining it, and neither are you. Women like Sarah are sly pieces of work.

I worked with one. Obsessed with this guy she had been friends with since childhood, but he never wanted more than friendship from her. Saying how they were "best friends." Announcing her own relevance and importance, because she was going to make sure she was a woman in his life, because she couldn't accept she wasn't the woman in his life. She wasn't letting him go and she hated anyone he was with. If it wasn't for her one sided initiating, with a good dose of "omg, we've been friends since forever, you need to relax" to the guys wife, the guy would have lost contact with her years ago.

The question here, is what responses is your DH giving? Why isn't he closing it down?

Show quote history

OP is the sly piece of work. She was friends with her current husbands wife and it didn’t stop her from being his affair partner. Even if she wasn’t friends with the wife that was pretty low. Sometimes in life you reap what you sow.

Sarah may or may not have had selfish motivations when she urged OP’s now husband not to marry her, but she wasn’t wrong.

What a very predictable mess!
He had barely time to breath after getting out his previous marriage and he was struggling financially as a result of both of them stupidly risking their jobs then he rushes in with a proposal.

He wasn’t in the best place to decide to marry really, sounds as if it was done out of desperation and financial need.

As they say on MN, noone falls in love faster than a man who needs a roof over has head.
Wonder how his kids felt about him rushing to marry this woman shortly after they were adjusting to their parents divorce?

And the thing is Op knew about Sarah beforehand, why walk into a situation like that if you’re not going to be ok with it?

And her attitude regarding the funeral was awful, why wouldn’t Sarah attend the funeral of her family friends that she called her mum and dad?

OPs being utterly selfish to think she shouldn’t be there. And the truth is if Op had more faith in her husband who has proved himself to be a cheat, she wouldn’t be worried about Sarah!

outerspacepotato · 10/01/2026 21:59

So you were banging your friend's husband who was also your boss and he got purged and proposed really fast because you had a decent home setup. But he's got a serious thing for his childhood friend who had the nerve to show up at the funeral of people she called Mom and Dad and grew up with. With her husband and kid at his dad's funeral no less. And she sent a HNY text. And you say you want to kill her.

You need immediate mental health care and treatment if you're having homicidal ideation. Go to your A&E.

Sassylovesbooks · 10/01/2026 21:59

Sarah has known your husband since he was a child. His parents and grandparents, were friends with her parents. His parents hoped your husband would marry Sarah at some point. You knew your husband's ex wife, who made her dislike of Sarah known to you. You started a relationship with your now husband, after his divorce, knowing your husband was more senior to you and your employer forbid inter-company relationships. Your husband lost his job due to your relationship and moved in with you. After dating 6 months your husband proposed and Sarah told him not to marry you. Your in-laws passed away Sarah attended both funerals. You banned your husband from seeing/speaking/texting Sarah ever again. NYE Sarah sends your husband a message wishing him a HNY.

What exactly has Sarah done???? Attending the funeral of two people she's known her entire life and has been close to is perfectly normal. Has it not occurred to you, that although your in-laws may have wanted your husband to marry Sarah, that she doesn't and never has felt that way towards your husband?? Kissing once as a teenagers, proves absolutely nothing. Sarah and your husband have had plenty of time within their lives to get together if they'd wanted, yet they never have. Sarah is married and has children of her own. Perhaps Sarah was telling your husband not to marry you after only dating for 6 months, which was quite sensible!

I don't see Sarah as the issue here. I think the problem is that your husband has quite possibly held a torch for Sarah all his life. Sarah hasn't been interested in dating your husband, and sees him as a friend. There's nothing abnormal about sending a HNY message on NYE. You've never spoken to Sarah, so you don't know anything about or even know her at all! You've picked up on the fact your in-law's adored Sarah and your husband's ex disliked her, and have made her out to be a 'harlot' 'intent in destroying your marriage'!!

justasking111 · 10/01/2026 21:59

@ponytailcapbadge you're financially stable, good career. Let him play the pick me dance for the rest of his life with Sarah . You've a life to live.

TeaChocKitKat · 10/01/2026 21:58

I've not read the full thread, just the OPs posts and skimmed a lot of the others. However, I genuinely don't understand what Sarah has done wrong - she's attended the funeral of two close family friends, sent a happy new year message to an old friend and expressed concerns about that friend rushing into marriage after a divorce and getting entangled in a work relationship. I'm team Sarah here!!

CRCGran · 10/01/2026 21:56

I’ve never even spoken to this woman and yet I want to kill her. I hate what she has done to my marriage. Do I really want to spend the last part of my life with a man who is in love with someone else?

It's your husband who's ruining your marriage, not her. And why would anyone want to spend even a minute with a husband who's in love with someone else?? Boot him out and move on OP. There's no future there.

Love2read12 · 10/01/2026 21:53

You sound. Possessive and honestly 🦇 💩 giving ultimatums. Of course a longtome friend who called his parents mum and dad would attend the funeral. She isn’t the problem your husband is. You come across as being more superior and referencing how she is nothing to look at. He’s the problem not her.

ShawnaMacallister · 10/01/2026 21:48

This is a shit show.
You were the OW and he moved in with you 5 minutes after you got together. You strongarmed a proposal out of him which he obliged because he lost his job and needed a place to live. All the while he's still pining after his one that got away. Your marriage is not going to last, I'm sorry.

thenightsky · 10/01/2026 21:48

outofofficeagain · 10/01/2026 19:03

I was with you for the first half. But of course she would turn up to the funerals if she had known them all her life. It sounds like there is much more wrong with this relationship than Sarah

This. She knew his parents well and they her. So of course she would be expected to attend their funerals.