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AIBU?

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Original poster

my husband is in love with another woman.

359 replies

ponytailcapbadge · 10/01/2026 18:59

Sorry this is a name change and a long one so as not to drip feed. I would like to hear people’s opinions as I am considering leaving my DH as he is in love with someone else, lets call her Sarah. He has known Sarah since they were 4 years old. Their parents and grandparents were all friends.She is who is parents thought he should and would marry and she is utterly adored by his who family. She called his parents mum and dad. My husband claims they were never an item (although he wished they were) and they have only kissed once when they were teenagers. She’s nothing to look at but has done very well in her career. We are now all in our late 50s.
This is a second marriage for both me and DH. I met him and his DW at work. I was friends with his DW1 and she would often speak about Sarah and how much she hated her and how she had banned her husband from ever contacting her. When DH marriage broke up, I was already divorced and we started seeing each other. Unfortunately in the job we do this is utterly banned and within 2 weeks we were discovered and he was sacked on the spot. He also lost his home at the same time as it went with the job. I was protected because he was my boss and so was considered a victim. DH had to move in with me and I supported him while he searched for a new career. I wanted a commitment from him and he proposed in a very theatrical way within 6 months of us getting together and it was wonderful – or so I thought.

It turned out that he had immediately got in contact with Sarah when his marriage failed and was messaging her several times a day. They also met up at her house. She told him not to marry me. At this point I understood why DW1 hated her. We got married anyway. It’s fair to say it’s been a pretty tempestuous union. My career has skyrocketed and I’ve moved up through the ranks. He’s struggled to find work and earns now a fraction of what he did when we worked together. I knew that he still thought about her and once he called out her name during sex.
When his mother died Sarah turned up at the funeral. I was furious that she should insert herself into our family grief. When DH father died a few years later she also came to that funeral and had the cheek to bring her husband and child as well. I told him in no uncertain terms that if he spoke to her there that the marriage would be over. She glared at me the whole time.
After the funeral I said he could never speak to Sarah again and told him to remove all social media links to her. I don’t understand why Sarah’s husband hadn’t stopped them speaking to each other.
It’s been 6 years and I really thought she was out of our lives and then on NYE his phone pinged.I checked his phone and it was a text from Sarah saying HNY. I then realised she is never going to be gone from our lives. Our respective kids are almost grown up. AIBU to think now is the time to call this a day. I’ve never even spoken to this woman and yet I want to kill her. I hate what she has done to my marriage. Do I really want to spend the last part of my life with a man who is in love with someone else?

OP posts:
Thoseslippers · 10/01/2026 19:36

YABVU
You need to leave him. You have manoeuvre him into a position where you have the power. This is not love. Have some self respect. He doesn't love you you just pay for his life. I'd feel sorry for you and be on your side if it wasn't for the fact you seem so invested in controlling the situation completely that its almost coming across as abusive tbh.
You do not live this man and he doesn't love you. It sounds like you just want to keep him because you hate this other woman so much and you can't stand the thought of anyone possibly being happy.
Please stop. This will eat away at you abd its a waste of the life you have left.
Leave him. Block him on all channels and never think of him and this woman again. Get on with your own life. It sounds like you have a wonderful career and lots of interests. What are you doing here? Stop pouring your energy into trying to control a man.

shhblackbag · 10/01/2026 19:35

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 10/01/2026 19:29

Their parents and grandparents were all friends.She is who is parents thought he should and would marry and she is utterly adored by his who family. She called his parents mum and dad.

  • And you are incredibly jealous of that I think.
... I was friends with his DW1 and she would often speak about Sarah and how much she hated her and how she had banned her husband from ever contacting her.
  • Cool move, I'm sure a divorced wife has no axe to grind.
... She told him not to marry me.
  • Sounds like that might have been sage advice.
... When his mother died Sarah turned up at the funeral. I was furious that she should insert herself into our family grief. When DH father died a few years later she also came to that funeral and had the cheek to bring her husband and child as well.
  • yeah, not like she thought of them as parents ... oh, wait, what was that she called them
... I told him in no uncertain terms that if he spoke to her there that the marriage would be over.
  • that sounds like rational behaviour at a funeral
She glared at me the whole time.
  • really? you didn't do the glaring? but apparently never took your eyes off her.
After the funeral I said he could never speak to Sarah again and told him to remove all social media links to her.
  • another rational move (classy!)
... I don’t understand why Sarah’s husband hadn’t stopped them speaking to each other.
  • perhaps because he's not an irrational dick?
... I’ve never even spoken to this woman and yet I want to kill her.
  • yeah, that's a rational point of view.
... I hate what she has done to my marriage.
  • I think it's what you've done with your irrational behaviour fueled by DW1's opinion of "Sarah"

You've never talked to her.
You mention nothing about them getting it on together
Her husband seems full aware.
Oh, and as you put it, "She's nothing special to look at"

You're not just being unreasonable. You're being Carslberg level unreasonable.

I think you should leave him. You obviously consider yourself to be far superior to him with your much better career. And I suspect he'd feel much more relaxed in your absence.

If the sexes were reversed here, I think everyone would be aghast at how controlling you're being and advising him to secret money away and telling him how he's entitled to 50% of your (undoubtedly large) pension.

Absolutely agree with this.

ItsPronouncedThroatwobblerMangrove · 10/01/2026 19:34

All Sarah’s done to you is exist. Literally that. Any good friend would warn a dick off a quickie rebound marriage/marrying the other woman (I’m not that convinced by your timeline of that bit, tbh). Surely if she’d wanted him, she’d have had him well before you got to him? Your husband, though, sounds like an arsehole from the start. But you have made it worse by issuing petty ultimatums and attempting to control him by controlling his access to Sarah. It sounds doomed on both sides.

Passingthrough123 · 10/01/2026 19:34

It's not Sarah torpedoing your marriage, it's you, with your destructive attitude towards her. She's known your DH's parents since she was four years old - of course she'd want to attend their funerals! Giving him an ultimatum on one of the most gut-wrenching days he'll ever experience as a grieving son was appalling behaviour on your part.

He risked and lost everything to pursue a relationship with you. Doesn't that show you how much he loves you? If they were going to be a couple, it would've happened decades ago.

Let go of the resentment and stop being controlling before it ruins your marriage even more than it already has.

Ophy83 · 10/01/2026 19:32

It doesn't sound like she is in love with him. She's married with a child. She's probably entirely unaware of his feelings for her, and certainly unaware that he said her name during sex.

Her advice to him not to marry you was probably sensible advice to take some time from an old friend seeing how it was a whirlwind following on swiftly from two broken marriages and tied up with a career implosion. It's also normal she would attend the funerals of close family friends.

She isn't the problem

Lemondessert · 10/01/2026 19:32

He lost his wife, job and home. He moved in with you as he had no where else to go and you wanted commitment. None of that has anything to do with Sarah. Of course she will message him they are friends a teenage kiss doesn’t mean they love each other. Something isn’t right in your relationship I would look at that. The red flags waving in the beginning that you ignored. Plus you married your friends husband quite quickly.

ThejoyofNC · 10/01/2026 19:31

Sorry OP but you sound unhinged.

Especially saying she's "nothing to look at".

FrodoBiggins · 10/01/2026 19:31

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 10/01/2026 19:29

Their parents and grandparents were all friends.She is who is parents thought he should and would marry and she is utterly adored by his who family. She called his parents mum and dad.

  • And you are incredibly jealous of that I think.
... I was friends with his DW1 and she would often speak about Sarah and how much she hated her and how she had banned her husband from ever contacting her.
  • Cool move, I'm sure a divorced wife has no axe to grind.
... She told him not to marry me.
  • Sounds like that might have been sage advice.
... When his mother died Sarah turned up at the funeral. I was furious that she should insert herself into our family grief. When DH father died a few years later she also came to that funeral and had the cheek to bring her husband and child as well.
  • yeah, not like she thought of them as parents ... oh, wait, what was that she called them
... I told him in no uncertain terms that if he spoke to her there that the marriage would be over.
  • that sounds like rational behaviour at a funeral
She glared at me the whole time.
  • really? you didn't do the glaring? but apparently never took your eyes off her.
After the funeral I said he could never speak to Sarah again and told him to remove all social media links to her.
  • another rational move (classy!)
... I don’t understand why Sarah’s husband hadn’t stopped them speaking to each other.
  • perhaps because he's not an irrational dick?
... I’ve never even spoken to this woman and yet I want to kill her.
  • yeah, that's a rational point of view.
... I hate what she has done to my marriage.
  • I think it's what you've done with your irrational behaviour fueled by DW1's opinion of "Sarah"

You've never talked to her.
You mention nothing about them getting it on together
Her husband seems full aware.
Oh, and as you put it, "She's nothing special to look at"

You're not just being unreasonable. You're being Carslberg level unreasonable.

I think you should leave him. You obviously consider yourself to be far superior to him with your much better career. And I suspect he'd feel much more relaxed in your absence.

If the sexes were reversed here, I think everyone would be aghast at how controlling you're being and advising him to secret money away and telling him how he's entitled to 50% of your (undoubtedly large) pension.

Every word of this

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/01/2026 19:30

He didn’t “need” to move in with you, he took a risk in starting a relationship with you and lost his job and his home. If he hadn’t had you to fall back on he would have had to stand on his own two feet. Elaborate proposals 6 months in is a huge red flag but it sounds like you wanted what you wanted. I’d have warned my friend off in those circumstances.

Did you speak to him about saying her name during sex? That would have been the end for me but not because of anything she did, she’s behaving as a long term friend would. I think you need to look much closer to home for the source or your marital problems.

shhblackbag · 10/01/2026 19:29

YABU to issue the no further contact ultimatum during one of the funerals

I find that really controlling tbh.

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 10/01/2026 19:29

Their parents and grandparents were all friends.She is who is parents thought he should and would marry and she is utterly adored by his who family. She called his parents mum and dad.

  • And you are incredibly jealous of that I think.
... I was friends with his DW1 and she would often speak about Sarah and how much she hated her and how she had banned her husband from ever contacting her.
  • Cool move, I'm sure a divorced wife has no axe to grind.
... She told him not to marry me.
  • Sounds like that might have been sage advice.
... When his mother died Sarah turned up at the funeral. I was furious that she should insert herself into our family grief. When DH father died a few years later she also came to that funeral and had the cheek to bring her husband and child as well.
  • yeah, not like she thought of them as parents ... oh, wait, what was that she called them
... I told him in no uncertain terms that if he spoke to her there that the marriage would be over.
  • that sounds like rational behaviour at a funeral
She glared at me the whole time.
  • really? you didn't do the glaring? but apparently never took your eyes off her.
After the funeral I said he could never speak to Sarah again and told him to remove all social media links to her.
  • another rational move (classy!)
... I don’t understand why Sarah’s husband hadn’t stopped them speaking to each other.
  • perhaps because he's not an irrational dick?
... I’ve never even spoken to this woman and yet I want to kill her.
  • yeah, that's a rational point of view.
... I hate what she has done to my marriage.
  • I think it's what you've done with your irrational behaviour fueled by DW1's opinion of "Sarah"

You've never talked to her.
You mention nothing about them getting it on together
Her husband seems full aware.
Oh, and as you put it, "She's nothing special to look at"

You're not just being unreasonable. You're being Carslberg level unreasonable.

I think you should leave him. You obviously consider yourself to be far superior to him with your much better career. And I suspect he'd feel much more relaxed in your absence.

If the sexes were reversed here, I think everyone would be aghast at how controlling you're being and advising him to secret money away and telling him how he's entitled to 50% of your (undoubtedly large) pension.

101Alsatians · 10/01/2026 19:28

'She's nothing to look at' is a horrible thing to say.

PinkyFlamingo · 10/01/2026 19:27

You hate her and want to kill her because of what she's done to your marriage? She's done nothing. Nothing at all Your DH on the other hand ...

ohyesido · 10/01/2026 19:27

I don’t think Sarah is the problem

CherrieTomaties · 10/01/2026 19:27

Of course you should leave.

You don’t trust him. You’re controlling. You compare yourself to Sarah and bash her looks. You can’t accept that someone would attend a funeral of a family friend they’ve known since they were a small child.

I think you and your husband would be much happier if this marriage ended.

Didimum · 10/01/2026 19:27

OP. Listen.

Did you ever think that Sarah may have warned your husband off marriage because he is perpetually in the wrong place for a relationship and, worse, barrelling into another marriage? Do you think that might have actually been good advice? I certainly do.

Of course she is going to attend his parents’ funerals. Generations of her family have known each other.

Should Sarah have gone no contact with him? Yes – but only if she’s been aware of your husband’s obsession. You’re angry at the wrong person.

Fibonacci2 · 10/01/2026 19:26

I don’t understand what she has ever done to you. You sound mean and controlling.

If you don’t trust your husband by all means end it. It has nothing to do with ‘Sarah’.

333FionaG · 10/01/2026 19:24

Of course she turned up for his parents funerals. She was a family friend. Your behaviour has been tawdry. You obviously consider yourself to be far better than the pair of them so do yourself a favour and divorce him.

FrodoBiggins · 10/01/2026 19:24

PixieDust91 · 10/01/2026 19:05

Not sure why you are surprised a married man, that you hooked up with before this horrible relationship was solidified in marriage, cheated and wants to cheat on you, and is probably cheating on you as we're over here all scratching our heads.

You said yes to marrying a cheater. Why shocked you're getting the same treatment as his other partners?

Divorce him and next time, don't shack up with non-divorced men.

Eh? Are you judging her for sleeping with him before marriage?
She says she got with DH after his marriage was over.

Agree with others Sarah isn't the problem, she sounds like a perfectly normal childhood friend. Your DH is the problem, he's proudly infatuated with her and also sounds like a bit of a wetter. Your behaviour at the funerals was awful.

PashaMinaMio · 10/01/2026 19:24

ElegantFowl · 10/01/2026 19:16

I can’t see what’s wrong with her attending the funerals, nor sending a HNY text.

This ^
Their history goes back eons.
Get some counselling alone or as a couple to help you unravel why you feel like you do.

Goodadvice1980 · 10/01/2026 19:23

But all the signs were there OP. You were forewarned by his first wife. Why settle for a man who holds a candle for another woman?

Perfectly reasonable for her to attend the funerals. YABU to issue the no further contact ultimatum during one of the funerals.

She hasn’t wrecked your marriage, your dh has. Is this how to see living the rest of your life?

francii · 10/01/2026 19:22

You literally knew about this while your husband was still married to his first wife. You were friends with her. And then you married her ex anyway.
Btw you were a victim. Your boss took advantage of you and got the sack, he then continued to use you for housing and financial support. All while clearly being hung up on this other woman that you KNEW about before you were ever his wife.
Not unreasonable at all for her to attend the funerals of people she called mum and dad? And you haven’t given any indication she’s actually acted inappropriately. It sounds like it’s all coming from your husband, who is the real problem here. Yes I would end it but not because of Sarah.

Garroty · 10/01/2026 19:22

Naturally she would go to the funerals of people she had known since she was four and called mum and dad.

That being said, your marriage sounds like a shit show so perhaps divorce would be for the best!

suburberphobe · 10/01/2026 19:21

You're never going to win this one OP.

Hope kids are not involved.

Take it from me. Solo motherhood is so much better than being run around by anyone.

PevenseygirlQQ · 10/01/2026 19:20

Have you ever thought Sarah didn’t want to be with your husband or she would have done something about it a very long time ago? It sounds like it’s unrequited love on your husbands side.

She wasn’t out of order going to the funerals she has known your in-laws her whole life, you however behaved appallingly making your DH’s parents funeral about you.

If he is in love with her theres not much you can do about it, just leave him, why be miserable?