my husband is in love with another woman.

I cannot see a problem really. I cannot see where you are saying your DH is in love with her. You’ve said he’s gone to her house and are messaging quite a bit. So yes that’s not great but it could all still be just friends. He’s hardly going to tell you though when you’re so controlling and untrusting of him. So not good behaviour from you or your DH. You are controlling and insecure. Most good friends would say don’t get married as it was very hasty. Your behaviour at the funerals was shocking. You say she was glaring at you but from your description, I bet you were glaring at her more. Of course, she and her family have every right to be there. She was a very close friend of the family. Do you really expect her to not attend just because you were there? There’s obviously huge trust issues here.

Also if you are in your 50s, it could have been a completely different Sarah he was shouting out. I’m friends with about 30 of them.

she wanted him to commit within weeks or months of the start of their relationship. He obliged. Doesnt mean he wanted to.Its all a clusterfuck but yes op, time to call it quits.

Why doesnt she stick with her own husband rather than messaging mine? i cant sleep since I saw that text. It makes me wonder what else is going on.

Because she doesn't want him but she absolutely laps it up that he wants her. So she involves herself just enough to keep him keen, she doesn't want to lose the thrill of knowing how he feels.

Though I'm not sure that is the only reason she appeared at the funerals, the families go back a long way and seem very intertwined, but it would nonetheless have had the same effect and she may not have been too sad about that.

It all seems very predictable, OP. Relationships can be messy. Many of us make mistakes at various points - thinking the situation is one way when it's really more complex, and closing our eyes to truths we'd rather not see. Reading into things like a proposal what we want to see rather what they really indicate.

It sounds as though he was coerced into your marriage to some extent. I don't mean to imply you did this deliberately, but you pushed for commitment early on when he was losing everything and you were a life line. He took the life line and neither of you seem to have stopped to consider how circumstances might have made that seem like no choice.

Sarah isn't going to leave you alone. She likes your DH. She may fancy him or love him in a romantic way, she may not. But she clearly isn't prepared to stop talking to him because you don't like it. And why should she? She doesn't owe you anything and she has a decades long friendship with your DH.

And your DH is clearly still holding some sort of flame for her and isn't prepared to cut contact. It also sounds like he's not the best in terms of being noble or honest about things (the affair with you while he was married AND as your boss), the proposal that looks very much like a bid for a secure home, the not telling you about Sarah when he's clearly still in contact (though, tbf, you sound a bit controlling about that - trust him or don't, don't tell him who he's allowed to talk to).

So yes, I think leaving this marriage might well be the best option for you. But I suggest marriage counseling (and probably individual counseling for you too) before you make any hasty decisions. You are reading a lot of things that may or may not be valid into actions that could be innocent and seem quite focused on a woman who has, as far as we know, just turned up to the funerals of a couple of people she knew well and texted your DH with friendship level texts. But despite that, your posts give the impression you think your DH isn't keen on showing you that you are his priority, and that's not good in a relationship.

Voted yanbu, meaning yanbu to end it .

But it's his fault and he's your problem, not her.

But never be second best.

Sarah is not the problem and has done nothing wrong.
Your DH can be friends with who ever he wants.
why would you want to stay with someone who said another woman’s name during sex? It’s not Sarah’s fault he fancies her.
Not speaking to her isn’t going to make him stop fancying her.
Move on and stop blaming another woman for the faults in your marriage.

You said you met DH and his first wife when you worked with them both. So how come that was OK, but when he had a relationship with you he was “sacked on the spot “ and couldn’t get another similar job? It sounds like there was more to it.

No, I wouldn’t want to be anyone’s fallback reserve choice. If you are unhappy, you can separate.

So you made his mum's funeral about you and think everything would be rosy in your life without Sarah 🤔

Why are you with him?

If this isn’t a reverse, you have a husband problem and not a Sarah problem.

Sorry, OP, you sound unhinged. I'm not surprised she told him not to marry you! As a PP said, Sarah is the icing on the cake of issues in your marriage. You're full of bitterness, hatred and jealousy. I'm not sure what your DH is doing with you, it must be really affecting his self esteem. Maybe he'll one day find happiness with Sarah, or maybe she is fully committed to her DH, you know bringing him to funerals of old family friends n'all. Who knows?

So Sarah. And her husband and child turned up at a family funeral.

They had history long before you were in existence. Frankly you're being unreasonable; for letting his DW1 poison your mind. If you want to leave him then do it but don't expect your life to be an immediate bed of roses.

You sound controlling op!
Does he check your phone and tell you who you can and can't speak too?!

You have serious issues and come across as unhinged.

if anyone told me that I could not speak to my childhood friend, I would tell them to wind their necks in.

Do you know why they never got together as a couple? Do they actually see each other more as brother/sister? There must have been times they were free to be together so why did it never happen?

Too much is missing from this. Of course she attended the funerals. She’s known them
since she was 4 and they loved her. A happy new year text is annoying but not a smoking gun. She is a longstanding friend of your husband’s - why the fuck should she leave him alone as you put it, because you don’t like her? She’s showing up to stuff with her husband and kid, not nipple tassels and lube. What exactly has she done to make you feel so threatened, beyond exist? You sound very jealous.

Exactly

This is bonkers. She knows you don't like her. And?

Yeah, why would you be friends with someone who was abusive to their spouse? Or was that relationship just to get close to him? Shady.

The marriage isn’t making you happy, DC are grown up, you are financially ok, so yes divorce him.

Sarah won’t leave him alone because he’s her friend. She doesn’t give a fuck if you don’t like her, because your reasons for disliking her aren’t valid or make any sense. She probably feels sorry for your husband because she’ll pick up on how insecure and controlling you are.

So supposedly you were friends with his very abusive first wife?
Sarah is definitely not the problem here but I guess its easier to blame other people than look inwards.

I think you behaved very badly with regards to the two funerals. You don't get to dictate whether a woman comes to pay her respects to people she's known since childhood just because you've been their DiL for all of 5 minutes and don't trust your husband. I think to make your issues front and centre when people are grieving is awful.
That said, I can see why you feel insecure. Deep down I think you know the liklihood is that had he not been on his uppers and needed you, your relationship with your husband may not have led to marriage. Sarah probably knew that too and that could well have been the reason she advised him against it, rather than her own designs on him. Which let's face it, she had ample chance if she wanted him.
Where you go from here I don't know. Personally I'd want to know if my husband's commitment to me was real, and the only way you can do that in this situation is to give him free rein and see what he does. If he escalates things with Sarah, you'll know where you stand.

What I'm struggling with is why wont Sarah just leave him alone. She knows I dont like her.

• She's not contacting you - only then would you have the right to tell her not to.

• You've never talked to her (remember!) so how would she even know that she's meant to be "no contact" (jeez, how imperious can you get?)

but their marriage was over, she was extremely abusive towards him

• it does sound like your DH has a type when it comes to choosing a wife