To think this is unreasonable?! Or am I out of touch

my job matters. So I’d say ‘your choices are limiting my options, I can only work in well lit spaces and dd would be very impacted if I lost my job. I am sorry that you will miss your days with dd but I cannot work in that lighting so I can no longer bring her over on work days. I have to go now, bye.’

I would be too mad at their bloody mindedness to feel bad at their stupidity!!

To an extent yes- but if you have rules that are so petty and ridiculous you begrudge someone turning on a light then they can’t be cross if the OP decides not to come as much.

Their house, their rules.

My parents vocab didn't include modern expressions

My parents would use both of these expressions (not aimed at me thankfully!). They’re in their 60s. What’s modern about ‘unreasonable’?

Assuming you still want to visit your parents every week, could I suggest that you take your own light to shine specifically on your laptop? Overhead lights are not good for the eyesight anyway, as they cast shadows and are also desperately unflattering! I don't allow them in my house!

They are being absolute idiots about this. An old halogen spotlight will probably cost about 11p to run for 8 hours. If they’ve got an LED maybe 1-2p.

What are they like with food when you’re there? It just seems so petty to say you can’t turn a light on. You are paying a fortune in nursery costs to facilitate this at your own hassle and they begrudge you a light. I really do think you need to cut down or stop facilitating this. I’d cut it down to once a month max.

Could they not come to yours to see her where you can have the lights as you like.

Id be clear.. mum, dad. To bring DD I have to work and if I cant have the light on while I do im getting a headache.. so can we either compromise on the lighting at yours or can you come to mine to see her. Im happy to accommodate whatever youd prefer, but I cant afford to not do my work and im missing out on time with her later because working like this gives me a headache.

Keep rhe door shut in the room you are working in. It sounds like you are in the kitchen working, and are not really focused on work as you are in the room.

Does your dd like it there?

Are their words ' controlling and unreasonable' exactly. My parents vocab didn't include modern expressions. What did they actually say?

You could say' what is the solution then? '
I can't work without lights abd you don't want them on. Neither of us are backing down. That's fine.

If you are there 9-5 it's a long day for everyone. Dd is used to nursery. Sounds like they are struggling with all day childcare whilst you work at the kitchen table. I can see this is not working anymore, if it ever did, really:)

You are going to have to give up half a day weekends or they can. Suggest take turns. It's just not working anymore.

They don't want you there and have changed their mind on looking after your dd but don't want to say "we don't want your dd here" so they are complaining about the lights instead.

Take the hint, put your dd into childcare and let them visit at the weekend or something less stressful.

So you work full time and pay for 5 days of nursery. Your parents like to see your DD so one day per week you go to theirs, but you must work as you work: full time! All you ask for, is decent lighting. Your parents say no?? Sorry to say this but they are complete nutters. Accusing you of being controlling? You are doing nothing wrong! Explain it to them one more time like they are a 6 year old. Don’t let them tell you that you are difficult or that you are taking their grandchild away. The choices are: you work at your own home with lights on, or at their home with lights on. They can choose!

I think the cordless lamp idea is brilliant

This is one of those situations where if you own your own choices, the whole situation becomes less angsty.

You cannot change your parents to suddenly be reasonable people, and if they have controlled you all their lives by fear, obligation and guilt, then they are going to continue to attempt to do it.

Being controlled by them is uncomfortable for you, and letting them experience the natural consequences of their actions (you stop taking your daughter over there unless they allow you to have a light on) is uncomfortable. You have the choice of which discomfort you experience.

You are currently choosing the first option - so when you get a headache, remind yourself that this is your choice, and you are choosing it because you don't want to feel guilty (or whatever your reasons are).

This reminds you that you have power in the situation too, and also reminds you that you can make another choice, even if you decide not to (for whatever reason).

Your parents are super weird. How old is your dd? If they are so particular and unsupportive of you, I'd worry they are bad influence on your dd. Is dd starting school soon or pre-school? What does your dh say to all this? It's not the best thing for your dd to miss out on her paid child care setting and spend the day with controlling and difficult people (your parents) doing probably nothing much of educational or emotional value. Sounds like a really bad arrangement. I've never heard of people that age using words like controlling but if anyone is controlling, it's them.

If you are in a separate room, it is absurd to berate you over the lighting in there.

Stop going there and invite them once a month for Sunday lunch. Minimise contact.

My dad was one for switching the light off when I was in a room and using the light, but I would just put it on again. I blew up at him when I was chopping veg and he turned the spotlight off over my head. I would just keep telling them they are being ridiculous and tight.

Say to them imagine them reporting their actions to others and what they would think. "My daughter brings our grandaughter over then - get this - wants to have A LIGHT on while she works."

laugh and say to them if I am controlling where do you think I got that from?!🤷‍♀️ no mum your ocd about your lights you can keep and come over after nursery to MY house as it’s more convenient for me and I cant work in the dark or with an atmosphere so if you want to come see us then it’s your turn to make the effort. And leave it at that

Is there a reason you have to go on word days? Why not leave dd in nursery and visit at the weekend when you don’t need to work?

Not putting lights on, whether you are working or not, is batshit. We have spots everywhere. They last for years, cost pennies to run, and don’t really cost much to replace (assuming they are gu10 LEDs?)

I’d simply refuse to take her anymore when I have to work,

Why? So that her adult parents can learn that they can be as ridiculous and demanding as they want to their hardworking and responsible daughter and she'll just pander to it? F&ck that right off! They'll just find something else to badger her about. She needs to stand up to them. She is doing a fantastic job with or without them. She doesn't need to be afraid of them.

OP they're batshit and I can't believe that you need a mumsnet post to tell you this. You really need to put your foot down and stop pussyfooting around them otherwise you'll always be raising your child in their shadow. Get therapy if you need to but you need to find a way of very bluntly telling them that you bring their gc to them on their request and that it inconveniences you and that you need the light to work. You don't give a fuck if they think you're controlling you're the one juggling raising a young child with working so they need to work around you. If they want to lose a day a week with their gc for the sake of a lightbulb then that's their choice but you're not going to pander to such crap. You need to stand up for yourself or this will only get worse.

Maybe you could take one or two cordless lamps with you? You could charge it at home and then use them when you’re there. There’s plenty of them in most department stores/ Amazon etc.

Is it possible that your parents feel strongly that 5 days of nursery aren't good for a toddler? Perhaps they feel that you should be at home with her rather than working but obviously can't control that. So, they have offered to have her one day a week but don't actually truly want to be doing that?

It feels like they don't love the childcare - wandering off, getting distracted, being difficult with you, not wanting to commit etc. So by the time the conversation about the light comes up, they're a bit frustrated because they've been "doing your job" all day.

Obviously you won't need the light on during the spring/summer, so I'd just accept they're being a bit weird about it, use nursery for a couple of months, and then go back to visiting when the weather gets better. If you're worried about their reaction I think that you could put in a couple of weekend days over the winter to see them.

OP your parents are being controlling, unreasonable and frankly mean. But you love them and want to foster their relationship with your DD. So you need to decide what you're willing to put up with. It's not a matter of principle or culpability, it's a question of you compromising for the sake of love.

Personally, driving away with a headache each week would be a step too far for me, but it's your call.

Is there anyway to insist, gently but firmly on what you need ?

Quite. So ask yourself "who is being controlling and unreasonable"?

I'm going to guess that this isn't the only point of disagreement with your parents? I think you could possibly read up on techniques for dealing with coercive control. I mean did you really need to ask a load of Internet strangers whether they were being unreasonable?

For now use the "let them" technique.
They think you're unreasonable? Let them.
They think you're controlling? Let them
They don't want to drive to your house? Let them not want to (doesn't mean you have to drive to theirs)

YANBU. Your parents sound very controlling and are projecting that onto you. I have a suspicion this is nothing new in terms of their behaviour. Have they always made you feel guilty for having needs that don’t suit them? They sound controlling in general and you seem to go along, again it’s probably what you are used to from childhood. How would they react if you said ok no problem but you can’t come as you have to work so the arrangement no longer works for you?

They're being unreasonable. You know when you need better lighting and you shouldn't subject yourself to a headache.

They can call you whatever... but they lose out on seeing their granddaughter more often. It's no skin off your nose.

You can take her over on the occasional weekend instead.

Are you working in a separate room at their house, or in the same room where they are going about their day/entertaining their daughter? If in the same room I can see how putting the lights on might be bothersome or irritating. If it's not a separate room, I would ask to use one when you're working over there, and that no one comes in and disturbs you. It may seem like a lot to ask, but if the agreement is that you can work from their house one day a week so that they can spend time with your daughter, you have to be ABLE to work productively from their house or the whole arrangement falls through.

If they refuse to take your word for what you need in order to get your work done no matter how thoroughly you have explained, then unfortunately their house is not a suitable place for you to work. If you've already tried offering to get replacement bulbs for them to have on hand and/or to pay for the electricity used, then the only other thing I can think of is bringing over a desk or floor lamp that casts sufficient light and either leaving it at their house for when you need it or carrying it back and forth. That said, I wouldn't feel guilty about telling them that this arrangement isn't going to work out after all because you do need to work on the day your daughter visits them and it's too dim at their house.