To think this is unreasonable?! Or am I out of touch

I’m already paying for DD, so as it is a problem to put the lights on - we will stick to our normal routine.

Not puttting the lights on is pretty highly controlling

Have you asked why they sunny rang the bulbs to be used? In a room which they are not saying in?
If you really feel the need to continue going there i would take a big desk lamp with me

It’s your parents who are being controlling, they have got you to agree to an arrangement that is inconvenient and costs you money, plus they expect you to be uncomfortable while doing it. The reason you can’t tell them you are not doing this anymore is because you are used to them telling you what they want and you comply with that, anything else is not permitted. Your parents accusing you of being controlling is very telling in that they would rather you had no control at all.

Your parents are being unreasonable and controlling and you are letting them manipulate and control you. This will only continue in other ways as your DD gets older and they get older. You need to assert your boundaries now or they will walk all over you and your DD in future.

A suggestion might be to get a portable lamp, with a battery - there's a few on Amazon or Asda so you aren't using their bulbs or electric 🙃 it is weird though!

I wouldn't be losing out on a days childcare you've paid for though, I say that as a toddler mum, and if you aren't enjoying it into the bargain, and you're work might be suffering then time for a new year's resolution and a boundary? Dd goes to the childcare you've booked and then DGPs can see you all socially at weekends

There's only one of you, you can't be dashing around and trying to work and missing out on paid for childcare and not happy. Good luck op

Ask them to buy a lamp OP, or if you are kind / inclined enough buy a lamp yourself and take it over there. No spotlight use then.

Or just stop going. Your parents are being unreasonable. At some point they may realise this. No one is going to be on their deathbed wishing they are had preserved the longevity of their spot lights at home more. It is their call whether they want a relationship with your duaghter. They need to wake up to themselves. Utter madness.

Lets all hope that when we are grandparents we value our grandchildren more than lighting bulbs 💡 ❤️🌻

She's already booked into nursery on that day. Maybe read the OP's posts!

Absolutely. I’ve several times been in situations where people use these sort of techniques to tell me they don’t want me there. It’s so pathetic and passive aggressive but the relief when you remove yourself from the nonsense is huge.

They are clearly being unreasonable. My mother always keeps her living room lights far lower than I would, but we just joke about when I’m over and am fumbling around in semi-darkness trying to do something!

But I don’t understand your set up - how do you manage to do a day’s work in that set up? You’re in the same room as your parents and DD and presumably get engaged in what they are doing when necessary. I’d really struggle to concentrate in that scenario.

Put her in nursery for that extra day. If they want to see your DD they can come to you at the weekend.

They will just find another way to make their feelings known

I try not to argue with crazy. Don't go there. Don't explain. They already understand - they just don't care. Liberate yourself from fear, obligation and guilt. How do you think your DD will benefit from being around toxic people?

All the posters saying take your own lamp, their house their rules, they're doing you a favour etc. are clueless and those posters need to work on their reading and comprehension. OP please don't take advice on your toxic parents from people who know absolutely nothing about toxic families.

Why are they bothered at all if you are in a separate room? This makes no sense at all. They are being ridiculous and you needn't feel guilty if you decide not to go.

Older people do tend to worry about things that younger people don't give a second thought to. If what you say is how they see things too (they might have quite a different take on this?) then they are being unreasonable but they also might genuinely worry about getting up on a stepladder to change the bulbs. I know you're not looking for solutions but how about taking your own lamp? But I suspect that they might also be worried about energy bills if the old people I know are anything to go by so that may not be a solution at all though! But I would say it is important for your eye sight to have proper lighting and not at all unreasonable to insist on that - it doesn't mean you're taking over in their house.

So I am a grandparent - I like to take care of children while parents are working. I do it to help them out, but the big winner is me because I love my babies. I have done the care at their home and at my home. It depends what works best at their time. There was a point at which doing care in child’s home required nearly one hour commute. I did it to help my Dd and my grandson.

So that is my experience. My feelings about your parents is that they are being totally unreasonable. If the bulb goes I am sure that they can fix it. “How many grandparents does it take to fix a lightbulb?” Ffs.

They need two options if they are not happy with the light on - either child goes to daycare or they come to your house. That is not controlling it is just common sense.

Yes their reaction us not good but if they are not always reacting like that and you have a reasonable relationship with them I wouldn't dwell on it. Look for a solution instead. No one is perfect in this life.

Can they come pick her up instead and you can pick her up after?. I'm always envious of those with relationships with family as some of us have none. My parents are dead and I don't have a relationship with my siblings. Cherish your family.

You can tell them nicely you can't work there so can they pick her up. I hope it works out.

Surely the cost of you having the lights whilst you work is less than their petrol costs would be if they came to you? They’re being very unreasonable.

If it was me I would lay out 3 options.

1. continue the current arrangement, but you can put the light on to work if it’s needed
2. the come to you and look after your dd at your house
3. you stop the arrangement and your daughter goes to nursery since it’s paid for anyway, and you stick to visits on the weekends

Leave it up to them to pick. I don’t think you’re unreasonable to go with option 3 if they refuse options 1 and 2 though. They’re not doing you a favour by providing free childcare, if anything this is a bit of an inconvenience to you that you’re tolerating so that they can have the quality time they want with your child at their convenience.

They like the lights off and they like to see your DD. Think of it like this - THEY have a choice to have you there with the lights on or you work at home and if they want to see DD, they come to yours. Another solution would be for you to take DD over, then go home to work or they collect DD and take her to theirs for the day. Ask them which they'd prefer.

Frustrating but their house their rules, I suppose. Bring a big lamp with a daylight bulb in to work by. Leave it there if they’ll let you, and have the bulb be your responsibility.

Can you drop her off and then go and work in a cafe for a couple of hours.

When they say you are being unreasonable and controlling, ask them for a solution.

Are they nasty in other ways? I’m baffled by this - I can’t imagine my mum telling me I can’t put a light on. Even my dad, whose parenting left a lot to be desired in many ways, wouldn’t do that. It’s bizarre.

Get a portable rechargeable lantern (or desk light) to take with you. Or buy them a stock of suitable light bulbs and offer to change the bulbs if or when they fail. Are they really difficult to change? The ones in our kitchen are an absolute pita to change, not helped by our 9ft high ceilings. Or just say you can't go there if you can't work and you need the lights on to work.

It does sound fairly unreasonable of them, maybe they just don't like you working in their house when you are visiting with your DD.

I think PP is saying "don't take DD on your working day". Days off and weekends only, when it suits you and them, not just at their demand. Copy paste one of the suggestions PPs have made, send them the text saying that, then don't look at your phone for a little while as they might react nastily. BUT it doesn't mean you're being mean, or controlling, or whatever they'll accuse you of (quite the opposite actually, I think they're massively projecting when they say that!), it just means they can't act and react like emotionally intelligent adults, and that's out of your control.

So ask them what they think the options are to achieve that.
(You taking DC there for the day while you work is no longer an option if you can't have enough light to see by). So what else is there that they can suggest?

(Can they drive? )

It's inconvenient for you to carry on doing this , if they want a relationship with dd they can put the effort into travelling to you to see her.