To think this is unreasonable?! Or am I out of touch

I must say I’m flabbergasted at how many people think this is really about a lightbulb (from the parents side) and that buying a lamp will solve op’s problem 😳

There unreasonable but for a quite life I’d try something like this

Give it a try. What is the absolute worst thing they could do to you?

This whole situation is ridiculous.

Your parents are demanding, controlling and odd.

You are a fully grown adult with a child and a full time job, yet you are unable to tell them how you will parent, and what conditions you need to work.

You are constantly bending over and inconveniencing yourself, your child and your work to accommodate the whims and demands of your parents.

The current situation isn’t working. It’s mad to pay for a day of nursery that your child doesn’t attend, and it’s even crazier that you have to be on hand because your parents get bored / distracted with providing the childcare they insist on doing.

You need to woman up- this is about more than a lamp.

You going there during work hours is not working out for you. You need to arrange a weekend time to see them. Don’t fold to the guilt trips .

Honestly OP I do understand where you’re coming from with the endless guilt but one of the joys of parenting is that it really holds a mirror up to your relationship with your own parents. Whenever I’m in a situation like yours now i ask myself a couple of question 1) would i ask/expect this of on my DC when they’re adults (i.e would I treat them this way) and 2) is this the kind of response/ behaviour I want to model for my dc. If my answer to both is no then I accept (with a little guilt) that I’m not being unreasonable. It is easier said than done but the guilt will ease the more you do it. My epiphany only came after having endless conversations with my DD about her friendship problems at school. I realised that whilst I had her back and was encouraging her to stand up for herself, telling her being a good friend doesn’t mean putting everyone else’s needs first all the time I wasn’t actually modelling that behaviour for her. I felt like a massive hypocrite telling her that her needs were just as important as anyone else’s whilst also bending over backwards to accommodate my parents demands.

Take a plug in lamp?

No need to lie to encourage their unreasonable behaviour. The OP needs to learn to be more assertive with them or put herself outside their reach.

Maybe frame it as ‘the nursery said DD needs to attend every day as there is a waiting list for her place’. Or some sort of white lie.

@Greehsa- If you come back to this thread today- please reflect on how few people think your parents are reasonable and now few think you need to prioritise what they want over what’s best for your health, your finances, your career and your dd.

You clearly are struggling with the idea you can say no to your parents, that if they are upset and try to guilt you, it’s ok for them to be upset because you refuse to prioritise their unreasonable expectations. You are no longer the child of the family. You are the mum of the family and your parents are the grandparents of the family, what you say goes (in relation to any parenting) not what they say.

One thing to focus on - if you are getting bad headaches from working in the dark, you aren’t fit to drive. It is not safe to drive your dd back in that situation so it has to stop. You wouldn’t have 2 glasses of wine then drive your DD home (I assume!). You need to view deliberately making yourself unwell before a long drive with your dd in the car is actually terrible parenting on your part and so you cant do this any more and be a good parent. Keep that at the front your mind when they start guilting you.

Theyll get used to dd being in nursery 5 days a week or they need to come to you to see her.

I do trust them but after a few hours I think they get a bit distracted or focus on other things so a full day without me around would worry me a bit.

So they can only cope for a few hours. You either take your DC at the weekend so you can leave after a few hours or you tell them that it’s no longer convenient for you to go to them during the week and they will have to come to you. They can then pick your DC up from nursery early and spend a few hours with them. You need to be an adult, at the moment you sound like a whiny child.

I imagine there's a long family history / background to all this. Do you have any siblings? A partner?? How old are your parents?

As others have commented, they want everything their own way. And if you try and be fair, reasonable and put normal boundaries in place then they react in the way they do. Has this always been the family dynamic?

Start to do what works for you. Go once a fortnight, but put the lights on when needed. Plug your laptop in. Do they give YOU notice when they plan on not having you over? And how much is this costing you - do they feed you both etc when you are over?

None of this makes sense. You are paying (presumably at great expense) for 5 days a week childcare, not using one of those days, incurring more cost on petrol/car wear at tear/your own stress and time by driving to your parents one day a week, and then being giving shit for what is an entirely reasonable demand for basic and necessary working conditions? Just see your parents at the weekend. This makes absolutely no sense.

I would stop going during the week. It's not much of a visit when you are working anyway. Go during the weekend if you can. Even if it's every 2nd weekend. Or like pp says tell them they can pick her up from nursery.

Could you take a lamp/s and see what they say? But yes, I'd just stop going over and use nursery if they have an issue.

Is that not why weekends are for, can you drive over after nursery/work for a short visit once every couple of weeks?

The energy crisis in the late 70s caused a lot of this too.

If it is the bulbs thst bother them and not the electric, then could you buy a desk lamp and jyst bring it with you each time? Then it’s your bulb and your lamp and you csn have the light exactly as you want it? Might be worth a try? I think thry are being v odd - but old people get hung up on nonsense!!

It’s insane that you are paying for 5 days on the off chance that they decide to go on a last minute holiday! You absolutely know the solution is to tell them she’s going for 5 days a week because of all of the reasons you’re stating. This sounds like a pretty odd relationship with your parents. You’re the one paying for nursery, you’re DD’s mother, you are an adult who can make a decision without their parents say-so.

Tell them, bluntly, before you leave their house that you need to work with the lights on, so you can either come back next week and work with the lights on and no grumbling about it, or wait until the lighter months when the lights don't need to be on. Tell them it's entirely up to them, which option would they prefer?
My parents sound similar. They still think of you as a teenager wasting energy for no good reason, so you need to explain directly.

You hold all the power in this situation OP and you're too scared to use it.

Put your DD into the care you pay for, let them sort themselves out.

You're being bullied.

You go over to theirs because they won’t come to you. And you go over at their request I.e. when they want - OP wake up! They are the ones being controlling!

You are the parent of a minor. It’s upto you.

I can’t ever imagine begrudging my child of turning on a light so they can work.

If they request you come over on a dull day - sorry that doesn’t work for us. See you next time!

Is there a different room in the house where you can work with the light on; maybe a spare room?
They possibly do not see your WFH as 'real' work, and do not actually realsie that you are obliged to be 'at work', albeit in a working from home environment.

Yes they are being unreasonable, but if you do still want to continue going there, an easy solution might be to bring your own fully charged USB lamp.

They are being ridiculous. I would try to have a calm conversation with them, asking if they really want to make you feel so unwelcome in their home that you are considering ending the arrangement. If they continue to object to you switching the light on, stop going and tell them exactly why.