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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unreasonable?! Or am I out of touch

310 replies

Greehsa · 10/01/2026 16:56

Mid thirties with one dc. I have a lot of flexibility with work so I am able to work remotely. My DD goes to nursery but one day a week my parents like me to take her over. It’s a bit of a drive but I work while I am there then finish off anything I’ve not managed to get done in the evening.

When I work on my laptop I need the room to be light otherwise I start to get a headache. My parents have gone mad recently when I’ve tried to put the light on, saying they don’t want the bulbs to go (they’re spotlights), it’s rude for me to turn the lights on etc. Being pretty nasty about it. For context they are not at all short of money (though they claim to be, they’re certainly not), their main issue seems to be that I’m ’telling them what to do in their home.’ I think this is insanely unreasonable?! I’ve explained calmly that when the weather is bad and it’s dull outside that the room isn’t light enough for me to work without getting a headache. I can’t imagine making this much of a fuss with my own DD if she needed to do some work! AIBU?

OP posts:
Pelsall116 · 11/01/2026 18:04

Sounds to me like your parents want it both ways; ie you traipse over there so they can see DGD then they moan that you need some decent light to work
I would just tell them that you won't be over again until the days get lighter as you need to work and can't do so in the semi dark. The ball is then firmly in their court

Homegrownberries · 11/01/2026 16:44

I haven't read everything (it's a long thread) so sorry of I'm repeating.

Are all lights an issue for them or is the problem limited to the spot lights? If it's just the spot lights then maybe they're not being unreasonable. Maybe they guzzle electricity and the bulbs blow frequently. Try bringing a desk lamp. If it's all lights then they're being weird and you need to stop working from there.

TheRuffleandthePearl · 11/01/2026 16:30

matresense · 10/01/2026 17:30

I’m approaching this with science, but as you are not really using your parents for childcare as it is paid elsewhere you could say

”I get that you prefer to make your own choices in your own home, but I from my point of view I am accommodating you by bringing DD over and using my own time in the evenings to catch up for the time spent driving (which I don’t begrudge, as it is nice for you and DD to have the bond), so it only seems fair to give me good working conditions (which you shouldn’t begrudge, as it is nice for you and DD to have the bond). Tell you what, if you feel put out by me having a few spotlights on, we can have a formal agreement about it - over the next year, you can calculate the cost of the electricity and any spotlights that are broken as a result of me having them on and I will calculate the petrol money that you owe me for the additional cost of me driving to you rather than to nursery, then whoever owes who money can pay up”

Hopefully that will stop the nonsense!

I bloody love this!! Great reply!!

MrsJeanLuc · 11/01/2026 16:09

Greehsa · 11/01/2026 14:02

@GalaxyJam i am not sure. I wouldn’t mind if someone asked me but when two people are accusing you of being controlling, wanting to be ‘in charge’ and being ‘domineering,’ it’s harder than you think not to second guess yourself. I know I need to do better for DD’s sake and start to have more confidence in myself

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@Greehsa PLEASE listen to the hundreds of people on here who are telling you that it is YOUR PARENTS who are being controlling / domineering / in charge / dramatic / etc.

You absolutely MUST start to change this dynamic (I bet it's not only about the light is it?). And soon they will start to turn it on your daughter - is this what you want her to learn, to give in to people who are nasty and never stand up for yourself?

Maybe get some counselling to help you? Or just start to read up on coercive control and techniques for dealing with it.

RandomMess · 11/01/2026 15:06

This is so bonkers you are being massively inconvenienced taking your DD to visit them on your working day whilst also having to pay for nursery.

If they want to have DD during the week then they can pick her up from your home in time for you to start work or from nursery.

You need to prioritise DD, then you, then your job, then them!

YourOliveBalonz · 11/01/2026 15:06

Greehsa · 11/01/2026 13:55

@YourOliveBalonz they present it as im being controlling as it’s their house and ‘they don’t have the lights on when it’s daytime.’ If I then say well I can’t work I will have to put DD in nursery they will say im bring controlling and dramatic, or similar words to that effect, often its ‘oh you always have to be in charge don’t you.’

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They are wrong. It sounds like when it comes to matters where you should be in charge - your childcare arrangements, your working conditions - they are trying to make you feel in the wrong for determining them, when actually these are things you should be in control of! It is so sad that it’s like this OP, as others have said it really sounds like they bully you and only you can change the dynamic by not letting them anymore.

Needlenardlenoo · 11/01/2026 15:04

The other thing to bear in mind is that if you faff about like this you could lose that nursery day. You are paying for it, yes, but it will be messing up their ratios in that they have to staff for a child who is not there!

My DM looked after my DC for a day a week while she was this age but she actually looked after her! And if I needed to do a bit of work she'd let me hide in the (well lit) studio. That's what an actually helpful parent would do.

ThisHazelPombear · 11/01/2026 14:57

Are you an only child by any chance?

@Redrosesposies is spot on, it isn’t working for you so they either have to change or enjoy their spotlights alone.

If they want to see your daughter they know where you are.

MagicSpring · 11/01/2026 14:41

Stop caring about whether they think you are controlling, and actually take control.

The visits sound entirely for their benefit and are to your detriment, so stop doing it. They'll grumble, but they're doing that anyway, so there's no loss there.

Tooobvious · 11/01/2026 14:36

Greehsa · 11/01/2026 13:55

@YourOliveBalonz they present it as im being controlling as it’s their house and ‘they don’t have the lights on when it’s daytime.’ If I then say well I can’t work I will have to put DD in nursery they will say im bring controlling and dramatic, or similar words to that effect, often its ‘oh you always have to be in charge don’t you.’

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"Yes, I have to be in charge of my health, and staring at a screen in poor light gives me a headache. Do you actually want me to have a headache?"

I might have missed you already having answered this, but what would happen if you said "Is it ok with you if I put the light on, please, because otherwise I get a headache"? They then can’t accuse you of being controlling. If they said no, you could reasonably say "Well, I can’t come to work here in future then, because you apparently care more about me having the light on than about my health".

UnderTheBedAgain · 11/01/2026 14:26

Greehsa · 11/01/2026 13:55

@YourOliveBalonz they present it as im being controlling as it’s their house and ‘they don’t have the lights on when it’s daytime.’ If I then say well I can’t work I will have to put DD in nursery they will say im bring controlling and dramatic, or similar words to that effect, often its ‘oh you always have to be in charge don’t you.’

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You should be in charge of your own daughter, work and life. I’d just agree with them “Yes, I do have to be in charge of my own life. I’m not a child”.

FuckOffWithYourFlannelNonsense · 11/01/2026 14:26

They’d make me feel awful saying I didn’t care about their relationship with DD, I’m forcing DD to be in nursery full time when she doesn’t need to do. And things like that

So what?

You control how you feel.
You would be the one making yourself feel awful.

They are the ones insisting on a situation that is ridiculous.

Channel your inner Grange Hill and Just. Say. No.

UnderTheBedAgain · 11/01/2026 14:23

Greehsa · 11/01/2026 13:47

@SameShitDifferentDate They’d make me feel awful saying I didn’t care about thei relationship with DD, I’m forcing DD to be in nursery full time when she doesn’t need to do. And things like that.

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Well there you have it. They are getting you to bring DD to their house one day a week so she isn’t at nursery full time. But they don’t want to look after her all day (you have said they start to get distracted after a few hours). So they are manipulating you to stop working that day so that you look after her by not letting you have a light.

I mean at this stage I would try the portable lamp just out of interest to see what they do next. Because they WILL do something else to try to achieve their aim of stopping you working full time.

Rattai · 11/01/2026 14:13

Yes just repeat that your need to work trumps their requirement for you to not spend 3p on lighting
Or ask then to work out on their smart meter what it costs and reimburse them ( surely they would see how awful that was???)

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 11/01/2026 14:07

Ok so you have our permission to say this arrangement isn’t working for you. You need to work all day that day and you aren’t able to get it done at their house. You are happy to use the nursery as childcare or they can come to you for part or all the day. But you aren’t able to work at their house so you aren’t going to do this anymore. Done. Make the focus that you are unable to do the days work. Don’t get into solutions, just you d decided from this week onwards, you need to work from home or the office. You will use the nursery for childcare.

All sorted, refuse to give in to guilt “I know you’ll miss dd, but I’ve got to work and I’m not managing to get enough done at your house. I can’t afford to give up work.” “I need to be at home to work. I can’t bring dd over for the day.” “I know it’s sad, but I need to work.” On repeat.

herbetta · 11/01/2026 14:05

Greehsa · 11/01/2026 14:02

@GalaxyJam i am not sure. I wouldn’t mind if someone asked me but when two people are accusing you of being controlling, wanting to be ‘in charge’ and being ‘domineering,’ it’s harder than you think not to second guess yourself. I know I need to do better for DD’s sake and start to have more confidence in myself

Show quote history

Everything they accuse you of doing / being is exactly how THEY are behaving.

MagicSpring · 11/01/2026 14:03

’ If I then say well I can’t work I will have to put DD in nursery they will say im bring controlling and dramatic, or similar words to that effect, often its ‘oh you always have to be in charge don’t you.’

And?

Agree with them. 'Well yes, dad, I do have to be in charge of my own work and my own child.'

Original poster
Greehsa · 11/01/2026 14:02

GalaxyJam · 11/01/2026 13:55

How would it ever be unreasonable to ask for a light to be on, unless your parents are trying to sleep?!

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@GalaxyJam i am not sure. I wouldn’t mind if someone asked me but when two people are accusing you of being controlling, wanting to be ‘in charge’ and being ‘domineering,’ it’s harder than you think not to second guess yourself. I know I need to do better for DD’s sake and start to have more confidence in myself

OP posts:
GalaxyJam · 11/01/2026 13:55

Greehsa · 11/01/2026 13:52

@FancyBiscuitsLevel thanks. I think the guilt thing comes from the fact that I start wondering if I am in fact being unreasonable for asking for the light to be on, which, if I was, then it is actually me ruining things for DD rather than them. It’s really hard for me to make a judgement in situations like this and back myself when I have two people (my parents) both telling me I’m unreasonable

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How would it ever be unreasonable to ask for a light to be on, unless your parents are trying to sleep?!

Original poster
Greehsa · 11/01/2026 13:55

YourOliveBalonz · 11/01/2026 09:46

It’s your parents who are being controlling, they have got you to agree to an arrangement that is inconvenient and costs you money, plus they expect you to be uncomfortable while doing it. The reason you can’t tell them you are not doing this anymore is because you are used to them telling you what they want and you comply with that, anything else is not permitted. Your parents accusing you of being controlling is very telling in that they would rather you had no control at all.

@YourOliveBalonz they present it as im being controlling as it’s their house and ‘they don’t have the lights on when it’s daytime.’ If I then say well I can’t work I will have to put DD in nursery they will say im bring controlling and dramatic, or similar words to that effect, often its ‘oh you always have to be in charge don’t you.’

OP posts:
Original poster
Greehsa · 11/01/2026 13:52

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 11/01/2026 10:30

@Greehsa- If you come back to this thread today- please reflect on how few people think your parents are reasonable and now few think you need to prioritise what they want over what’s best for your health, your finances, your career and your dd.

You clearly are struggling with the idea you can say no to your parents, that if they are upset and try to guilt you, it’s ok for them to be upset because you refuse to prioritise their unreasonable expectations. You are no longer the child of the family. You are the mum of the family and your parents are the grandparents of the family, what you say goes (in relation to any parenting) not what they say.

One thing to focus on - if you are getting bad headaches from working in the dark, you aren’t fit to drive. It is not safe to drive your dd back in that situation so it has to stop. You wouldn’t have 2 glasses of wine then drive your DD home (I assume!). You need to view deliberately making yourself unwell before a long drive with your dd in the car is actually terrible parenting on your part and so you cant do this any more and be a good parent. Keep that at the front your mind when they start guilting you.

Theyll get used to dd being in nursery 5 days a week or they need to come to you to see her.

@FancyBiscuitsLevel thanks. I think the guilt thing comes from the fact that I start wondering if I am in fact being unreasonable for asking for the light to be on, which, if I was, then it is actually me ruining things for DD rather than them. It’s really hard for me to make a judgement in situations like this and back myself when I have two people (my parents) both telling me I’m unreasonable

OP posts:
Bellaboo01 · 11/01/2026 13:51

Greehsa · 10/01/2026 16:56

Mid thirties with one dc. I have a lot of flexibility with work so I am able to work remotely. My DD goes to nursery but one day a week my parents like me to take her over. It’s a bit of a drive but I work while I am there then finish off anything I’ve not managed to get done in the evening.

When I work on my laptop I need the room to be light otherwise I start to get a headache. My parents have gone mad recently when I’ve tried to put the light on, saying they don’t want the bulbs to go (they’re spotlights), it’s rude for me to turn the lights on etc. Being pretty nasty about it. For context they are not at all short of money (though they claim to be, they’re certainly not), their main issue seems to be that I’m ’telling them what to do in their home.’ I think this is insanely unreasonable?! I’ve explained calmly that when the weather is bad and it’s dull outside that the room isn’t light enough for me to work without getting a headache. I can’t imagine making this much of a fuss with my own DD if she needed to do some work! AIBU?

Dont go over there to work. They for some reason dont like this to happen.

Could you:

  • Stay at yours and they can come to you.
  • You pick them up once you have your Daughter and they come to you.
  • Take your Daughter to theirs and then just drop and go back and work.
  • Arrange another time when you arent having to work and take your Daughter.
HoppityBun · 11/01/2026 13:50

YANBU but they will not let this one go.

I suggest you yourself a portable, cordless battery powered reading lamp from the RNIB website shop. They have a sale on at the moment..

Original poster
Greehsa · 11/01/2026 13:50

QuietLifeNoDrama · 11/01/2026 11:02

Honestly OP I do understand where you’re coming from with the endless guilt but one of the joys of parenting is that it really holds a mirror up to your relationship with your own parents. Whenever I’m in a situation like yours now i ask myself a couple of question 1) would i ask/expect this of on my DC when they’re adults (i.e would I treat them this way) and 2) is this the kind of response/ behaviour I want to model for my dc. If my answer to both is no then I accept (with a little guilt) that I’m not being unreasonable. It is easier said than done but the guilt will ease the more you do it. My epiphany only came after having endless conversations with my DD about her friendship problems at school. I realised that whilst I had her back and was encouraging her to stand up for herself, telling her being a good friend doesn’t mean putting everyone else’s needs first all the time I wasn’t actually modelling that behaviour for her. I felt like a massive hypocrite telling her that her needs were just as important as anyone else’s whilst also bending over backwards to accommodate my parents demands.

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@QuietLifeNoDrama thank you this is really helpful. There’s absolutely no way I can imagine a time where I would ever say to DD that she couldn’t have the light on to work or make her feel she was difficult for having the light on to work. If anything I would ask her what she needed to make it work for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greehsa · 11/01/2026 13:47

SameShitDifferentDate · 11/01/2026 11:13

Give it a try. What is the absolute worst thing they could do to you?

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@SameShitDifferentDate They’d make me feel awful saying I didn’t care about thei relationship with DD, I’m forcing DD to be in nursery full time when she doesn’t need to do. And things like that.

OP posts: