To think this is unreasonable?! Or am I out of touch

I was going to agree with you originally OP.
But from this post geez you seem unpleasant and hard work!

Yes, if they want to babysit (and it suits you) just drop off and pick up. If you/they don't want that, just say you respect it's their house, but getting a weekly headache doesn't work for you, so you'll not be coming.

I physically couldn’t do that as I’d get a migraine. It seems very controlling of your parents but perhaps if you mention you can’t go next week because your health is suffering, they might appreciate your situation.

You’re not being unreasonable at all to want the light on. Not sure how that will kill the bulbs go one day a week!

ita madness but could you offer to keep a box of spare bulbs?! Of course you shouldn’t have to and my response would be - we won’t be able to come them. But your responses suggest you won’t want to do this?

they are being very controlling and manipulative

Op I think there's a few things here that would make me really consider stepping back. The fact they are nasty about it when they speak to you about the lights, name calling and saying you are unreasonable and controlling when they don't get things their own way, the critiquing of your parenting choices and undermining you as a parent. It all sounds like projection and gaslighting- they are unreasonable and controlling but actually it serves them to make you believe you are so they can get their own way.

None of that is acceptable. I think you need to set different boundaries that serve you better - with work commitments it no longer suits for us to come to you on a Friday and dd will be in nursery. However you are still welcome to visit us here on Sunday afternoons each week (or whatever that looks like).

They are delulu

If they have an issue with the lights in that room perhaps offer to buy/ take with you a desktop or floor lamp?

It is nuts but retired parents do develop odd little quirks.... my mum (who lives a 4 hour drive away so I go for a few days at a time when I visit) has become obsessed with condensation and limescale... when I come out of the bathroom she's in there, seconds after me, to check/ squeegee / wipe / spray (even though I do all that!) she then makes a big fuss about running the dehumidifier and mutters about damp and black mould... her house is pristine, no damp or mould but she's has to have something to fuss about!

You have used some very interesting language in your posts. For example, 'they prefer to see DD at their house' , they say i am 'forcing' DD to go to Nursery 5 days a week if I don't take her to their house.
It is very unreasonable of them. And controlling.
What about what you prefer?
I would suggest messaging them to say that you have to have the right conditions to be able to work, and you don't want to put them out, so going forward they are very welcome to come to your house to spend time with DD on the day that she isn't at nursery.
And see how that works.

Good luck!

RTFT?

Take a lamp?

Sucks to be them.

You need to work. You need light while working so you don't get a headache. This is reasonable. Parents refuse to let you put light on. Unreasonable, but their home. Ergo, you can't go to their house as you can't work there due to their insistance on it being dark inside. It's their choice to control their lighting rather than have you working there. So you don't go.

They're controlling, not you. See them a whole lot less.

They're acusing you of being domineering and controlling because they know you have a hard time standing up to them and saying a simple no when they badger you and gaslight you. You're going to have to get over that. Do you think it's healthy for your daughter to see your parents fight with you over turning on a fucking light? Or your parents telling you you're something negative that you're not? They're not your authority figures anymore. You do what's right for you and your child, not what they want you to do.

Keep her in her care for that day and back off from visits. You control access to your child as a parent. That's your legal right and responsibility.

Why make the effort to take DD over there when it just leads to arguments?- stop going and if they complain say you can't work in low light, so you have to stay at home-see what they say.
You are spending time, energy and petrol taking her, the idea this efort is not worth a couple of bulbs/ KwH is nonsense, and tell it's nonsense , and to stop the guilt trip-either they want to see DD and will risk a bulb or they don't want to see her that much. Older people often get irrational ideas about what things cost, but i fear in this instance it's purely controlling behaviour, especially as they use guilt as a tool-put your foot down, now.

I think the issue isn't the light but it's actually the relationship with your parents (they sound controlling but perhaps they all are).
Short term solution- perhaps you could take a deal lamp with you?

Op they are controlling you. If they want to see dd they should go to you as one it’s good for work purposes lights on , 2 they can leave when the get fed up and 3 if there so concerned about dd in nursery they could offer to come over in the morning see her then she goes to nursery for the other half a day you get your work done. What’s wrong with visiting at weekends?

This thread is blowing my mind.

There are people out there who won’t let guests (THEIR DAUGHTER) turn on a light? What is the point of having the lights if you aren’t allowed to turn them on? How is this even a disagreement?

Your parents are nuts.🥜

If op’s parents are happy for their own child to get a headache by depriving her of proper working conditions(she’s asking for light not to be server right left and centre) I would not trust them to be on their own with the granddaughter on a regular basis. Imagine the poor kid asked for something and they begin to make her feel like she didn’t need it. That would not happen under my watch.

im being controlling as it’s their house and ‘they don’t have the lights on when it’s daytime.’ If I then say well I can’t work I will have to put DD in nursery they will say im bring controlling and dramatic, or similar words to that effect, often its ‘oh you always have to be in charge don’t you.’

OP, please tell me you realise this is insane.
It's literally the consequences of them saying you can't spend the day in their house because you need the light on to see! You're absolutely not in charge, because you're not the one dictating the bloody lights being off!

They're completely irrational. Would they say you can't have a drink of water as well? Can't use their loo roll?

I'd be worried they'd deprive DD of something too just to prove their weird little power trips.

My dad has always gone around turning off lights even when people are in a room and we’ve ALWAYS ignored him. If he kicked up a big fuss, I’d arrive with a box of bulbs ready to replace if that was the bug bear.

For what it’s worth, I wfh most of the time and I have my office light on at home for most of the year. And that’s not unreasonable. It’s rare for me that the natural light will be the right light for me to work on my computer (even summer can be too bright/blinding so I close the blinds and put on the lights - can’t win!)

It’s quite simple really isn’t it.

most people have a very small light on to watch television because as we age the flickering hurts our eyes and brains - the same with a monitor.

The nursery is paid up for a full week - get your moneys worth. If they start guilt tripping you, just say “I need to be good at my job - but some distractions are to distracting/distressing.

They are more than welcome to yours fir an evening or two a week or dues the drive home with the headlights distress them

Your parents are clearly the ones being utterly unreasonable.
They are bullying you so you must take firm control of the situation.
Send your daughter to nursery and work at home where you don't have to put up with their nonsense

I doubt that will help. My dad is like this. He won't allow lights to be on so my brother bought some battery operated motion activated lights so we can walk round the house at night without walking into walls. My brother paid for them. My dad moans about them and thinks they are unacceptable. People like this just want their own way regardless because they are rigid, controlling and inflexible.

Whatever the op suits will be "wrong" so she has as well so what she wants.

Interestingly, it was once I had children that I learned to stand up to my dad, because I could do for turns what I couldn't do for myself.

To answer your question op, you are not unreasonable, they are.
if I were you I’d tell them : “ see you in the summer when the days are brighter”.

Take a battery lamp.

Don’t go anymore. Just say sorry I need to work & can’t work in the dark

Are you frightened of your parents OP? You must know that you aren't controlling in any way, shape or form. You are bending over backwards to facilitate their relationship with your daughter entirely on their terms, no matter how much inconvenience it causes you.

You are paying for full time nursery but only using it for four days, but they tell you that you need to pay for 5 days so they can go on holiday whenever they like. You have to drive to them, meaning that you are spending time on the road, rather than working.

They sound like petty tyrants and you are stuck in the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt).