To think this is unreasonable?! Or am I out of touch

Do you think they feel guilty that they are making you sick? That they ruin your evening by making you work after dd is in bed? That they won’t do the journey to yours as it’s too far but don’t think that’s too far for dd to sit in the car weekly?

why are you the one feeling guilty when you aren’t making your child choose between having headaches (and having to drive a long distance with their grandchild in the car with a headache) or not getting her work done and potentially risking losing her job?

put you, dd and your career first. Retired grandparents can fit in.

YANBU, clearly to everyone other than your parents.
Nobody is gaining anything out of this arrangement other than your parents who can tell their friends that yes they see their granddaughter every week. This is the reason my mother wants to see my children- not because she actually wants to help or spend time with them but because she’s embarrassed that her friends are being trusted with their grandchildren and she isn’t

You can’t tell them what to do in their own home but equally you don’t have to go over there.
I would just stop going there on work days and visit less frequently at weekends

So you have the hassle of fitting in with their schedule, but it’s not childcare because you need to be there to take over when they are tired and you don’t save any money because they insist on you paying for nursery you don’t use in case they want to go on holiday?!

why have you agreed to an arrangement that makes your life considerably harder yet saves you no money and they don’t look after dd properly so she’s hardly benefitting?! Actually it costs you more money than not doing as you have to cover the petrol costs.

Knock it on the head. It doesn’t work for you, they want to see dgd weekly, they will have to come to you in the afternoon and collect her early from nursery. If it’s too far for them to travel then it’s too far for you to travel in the opposite direction.

Ironically in doing so they would be dramatic and controlling.

YABU you don’t get to dictate what you can do in their home.

If you need the light for work then just work st home.

Surely you don’t need to work when you get there.
See them on weekends or drop DD off and work at home.

You are not being unreasonable, they are.
You are an adult so to resolve this issue, I suggest you act like one.
You tell them that you are happy to bring your DC to visit but you have to work while you are there and you absolutely cannot work without adequate lighting. If they are not prepared to allow you to do that, then you won't come.
It really is that simple and the outcome is entirely on them.

Take a box of bulbs with you, in fact take a few boxes to make a point 😂
if they continued to be weird about it I wouldn’t go

Was there ever a discussion about them minding DD one day a week and her only being in nursery 4 days a week? Just wondering why you're paying for 5 days for nursery when you end up not using a day. Seems like a waste of money. And also suggests that you don't really trust your parents to look after your DD without you also being there. Is that the case?

When you go and visit your parents, visit….don’t work, you say you have a lot of flexibility in your job.

If you know they don’t want you to touch their light switches, then don’t. Their house, they pay the electricity bill, their call. You taking your daughter to visit her grandparents, is a lovely thing, but it gives you no rights to alter things in your parents house.

Well yes, their response is reasonable in that if they don’t want to put certain lights on in their own home, they shouldn’t have to. However, your response to keep going would be unreasonable.

You can’t work at their house if it makes you sick.

you can’t just not work one day when you are being paid to work.

So as they’ve decided the big lights won’t go on, you can’t go over in the working day anymore.

Dont say it’s because of the lights just “I’m being paid to work full time, I can’t work at your house, I’ve tried, so I can’t come over on a week day anymore.” If they want it to happen, they will have to come up with workable solutions, and you just coping with headaches or or hoping magically this week you won’t get a headache isn’t a workable solution. Say no, don’t go. Let them solve the problem they’ve created.

I get a headache if the lights on too long. It's your parents home, not yours, they get to decide if the lights are on and off. Just as you can decide to work there or work at home.

I’d say YABU just because it’s their house (even if I don’t understand what’s their problem) but if you still want to keep going there then I’d drop off DD and go work at the local library or something.

Well then tell them you will no longer take her over if they complain about you having the lights on when working. Easy!

I always think you should judge people on what they do not what they say. They are making it very difficult/uncomfortable /unhealthy for you to visit. Therefore they don’t want the visits to carry on.

Some people do this passive aggressive shit when they don’t want to use their words. Best to just remove yourself from the situation. If you try to find a solution they will just sabotage it to re-communicate their wishes.

Love the batshittery of not putting a light on for fear of a bulb going. Who would care if the bulb went if they never use the light anyway?!

If you go take a lamp. Or just say you’ll see them when the nights are lighter. If they call you controlling just Let Them.

Let them pick DD up from nursery if they want to have her for the day.

You also have to accept that this might not just be about a light. Some GPs don’t handle the fact that their kids have children very well and want to assert control. You seem very obliging and have probably given them a lot of attention on their own terms - having a child often emphasises that you are not a child yourself any more. The reference to you being controlling seems like projection on their part.

Their reaction is unreasonable yes. But you are unreasonable to go there if this is the reaction you know you’ll get.

Hi parents, I need the light on to work. If this is an issue at yours, you’re welcome to visit us or pick DD up. Unfortunately if you wish me to continue to make the drive to yours I will need to put the light on sometimes. Let me know what you prefer.

My parents do t use their spotlights because they’re scared of getting up in a ladder to change a blown one. They’re half halogen half LED (not new). Is this the case with your parents do you think? Could you offer to change a blow bulb for them?