To sometimes really dislike my child?

I think things were better when kids feared their parents' disapproval. Including for the kids. Must be terrifying just being treated like the magic powers child in the twilight zone.

Sorry. If you want to really address his behavior you'd have to find a way to remove him from this, even if difficult. I'd have asked the near children to get up to let me through abd carried him out kicking and screaming if necessary. Its the only way to show this behavior will not be accepted. Its the natural consequence. If you can't be trusted to behave then you cant join in. And calmly leave.

You needed to remove him calmly the second time he kicked someone. 1 warning, calm and very clear- 'do not touch anyone else's body at the table. If you touch someone else's body again, I will help you stop by taking you home.' Then follow through. Calm, confident, and always do as youve said.
Its pretty bad he tried to blow out birthday candles. He's in danger of becoming unlikeable to his peers.
Think not in terms of punishing him, but helping him with his behavior til he gets it.

What’s the issue with you saying ‘ouch that hurt’ as a response to having a welly kicked into your face?!

fair enough he didn’t mean to do it, but you didn’t bollock him and I don’t think you should have to walk on egg shells to the extent that you can’t even say ‘ouch’! Surely it’s teaching him a bit of self awareness and encouraging him to be a little more careful in his actions.

I would really encourage you to be consistent in your boundaries. Yes encourage and praise when it’s due but equally he needs to learn actions have consequences. My son was similar at this age and he did come out the other side but it takes a lot of effort and perseverance.

He sounds unhappy and frustrated at home.

is he getting enough physical exercise over the weekends? To really tire him out!

how is home like generally?

Sounds counterintuitive OP, but could you lovebomb him for a couple of days to reset things.
Then just repeat over and over to yourself, 'its not personal, he is a child, I am the adult in the room.'

OP I’m with you, my son has just turned 6, I am totally with you on this. I guess all we have is hope that things will improve with age (in the meantime pass us the wine!)

I've just read back my posts and god I sound like a know it all granny, sorry! I have made PLENTY of mistakes along the way to finding what worked with my kids.

Yes of course, you're human and it hurt!

In these situations I still often have the mantra that the behaviour might be aimed at me, but it almost certainly isn't because of me.

Always start from the position that he's not acting with malice or doing it because he hates you. There will be a hundred different reasons that probably have nothing to do with you.

It's hard when they are at this age and their worlds just explode in size and complexity, especially if they were quite compliant toddlers and preschoolers. We become less the centre of their universes, but we're still "home base" and they rely on us for so much - including a safe place to offload big feelings.

I've been thinking about this while doing the grocery shopping and actually your last two posts have illuminated something for me.

I wonder if you can't see the wood for the trees any more? Everything is an issue and annoying you - so you can't tackle the really fundamental ones.

The wellies thing is a really good example. First, don't sweat the small stuff. And kicking wellies off really is the small stuff. For him it's more fun and it's easier! Let him have it. And in your response to him, work from the assumption that he didn't try to hurt you. Always assume good intentions. So instead of "ouch, that hurt" (which if he was already feeling guilty/worried/sure he was just going to get into trouble will have just reinforced all that), you could have gone with "my goodness your kicking legs are strong. I bet you didn't realise that you could kick the welly so far it would hit me! Next time make sure you're not aiming in my direction, ok?"

He sounds like he needs an outlet when he's feeling really wound up. Can you give him something he's allowed to punch or a room he's allowed to shout in when he's feeling really angry? My second kid has BIG feelings and giving him places he was allowed to express them really helped on the way to learning to regulate them.

Overall - remember that something is causing these behaviours, and it might now be at a point where your reactions are feeding them further. Allow yourselves to reset, choose what you're going to focus on and don't sweat the rest for now, don't take it personally - remember that the fact that he's focusing these behaviours on you is a sign that he feels safe and secure to do so with you.

And remember that five is a really, really little kid even though it's easy to lose sight of it.

Crap I somehow responded to my own post not yours! Sorry!

The one thing I didn't say was being really up front about the behaviours you're going to tackle and what the consequences will be. "We really don't like when you do X. It's not acceptable in our house. If it happens, Y will be the consequence. It won't matter if you scream or shout, that will still be the consequence."

And then stick to it ruthlessly but also fairly - ie don't double the punishment in the heat of the moment, and stay absolutely calm yourself. You need to model how to deal with difficult feelings constructively.

First, you have to force yourself to separate the person from the behaviour. You have to. Unless your child has an underlying personality disorder (very rare) the this is a phase that's being caused by something - probably a lot of things. You're the adult and you need to be disciplined with yourself as well as him. He is controlling this behaviours to a greater or lesser extent elsewhere and letting them out at home - this means that he's feeling safe at home, and that's a good thing.

Think about what's happened to his life in a pretty short space of time - starting school (and tbh I think R to Year 1 is a much bigger jump than starting reception - not sure what year your son is in), there is a toddler in the house pulling focus and attention and loading expectations on him to be the "big boy". School is a lot, being a sibling is a lot and losing your "cute little kid" status can be a lot.

Second, you have to be totally, totally consistent in your parenting. Pick two or three behaviours you want to tackle and be absolutely disciplined and single minded about it. Both parents need to be totally on the same page and also be willing not to give a fuck if things are exacerbated in the immediate term. You have to go through this to get to the other side. You are in charge. Stop walking on eggshells, parent fairly and consistently and deal with the consequences as they arise, even if it gets worse before it gets better.

Third, give him chances to be brilliant and amazing or at least for him to feel like you think he is. We had marble jars for years - just like with the bad behaviours, we'd pick a handful of good behaviours (usually about five - enough not to overwhelm) that when we saw them, a marble would go in the jar. A full jar gets a prize (money was always favoured by our kids, followed by a trip out to spend it on nonsense.) Make sure he gets one on one time with each parent doing something he really enjoys. Absolutely shower him with praise for the most minor of good behaviours. Don't fall into the trap of only being able to see the bad - you have to train yourself to be able to see the good!

Parents are not saints - it's hard to like anyone who is rude, aggressive, shouts at you etc even if that person is your small child! Don't beat yourself up over it - you still love him, you just don't like his behaviour when its horrible! That just means you're human 🤷‍♀️

My advice is to not feel like you have to walk on eggshells - you need to have firm consequences and stick to them, regardless of how he responds. He needs you to be the leader, even when he pushes back against it. Be calm, be firm and once the tantrum is over, move on and reconnect with him, play a game or go for a walk or run around in the garden. Having fun together is the antidote to the difficult bits like having to discipline him!

I don't always like their behaviour but I always like them. My mum didn't like me, it destroyed my self-esteem and confidence.

Mostly because IMO it’s difficult to disassociate someone from their behaviour

I would agree if the “someone” is anyone aside from my own child. And I do find it a heck of a lot easier, for example, to forget all about past rudeness or poor behaviour and just move on.!

You probs aren’t gong to like this, but yabvvvvvu. Stop it now. It’s foul for the child. Your analogy is dreadful too. I doubt any serial killer is particularly nice, apart from when they are killing.

your child will, almost by definition, act up with their ‘safe person’, ie often their mum/primary carer. It’s how they test boundaries, or even check out your love, esp with a toddler in the mix. Kids aren’t mature, they are kids.

Focus on really seeing the very best in your child. Catch them doing good things. Even if it’s only one ok thing in a list of shit things. I wish you all the best, and you’ll be ok. It’s damn hard looking after 2 small kids. But it’s not your child’s fault. You may need more help.

Actually I think it's really important that parents are able to see the worst in their kids as well as the best. Because unless we can be clear eyed about their behaviour/attitudes, we can't support them to change.

My eldest was incredibly challenging around 6 and 11. Absolute dream at school but rude, challenging and aggressive at home. We had to work really hard and really consistently to tackle it and stop it becoming embedded. He's now 14 and is honestly a total delight - funny, loving, helpful. He's still a teenager and sometimes overreacts or is rude - but the apologies are almost always fast in coming and it's not his standard behaviour. (NB he's not perfect. We get a lot of grunts, "whaaa?" shouted from the next room and we live in a fug of Lynx Summer Fresh.)

Some kids go through incredibly difficult stages and it really does wear you down. With support and consistent boundaries and parenting I think most do come out the other side though.