Post surgery gaming partner, wanting him to fucking grow up

I said I need to put the washing on
Why did you say this?
“You need to do the washing” & “Please do the dishes” leaves no room for negotiation.

I had a 3 hour surgery last week. I’m doing nothing except watching come dine with me. DH is taking the kids to their clubs, cooking dinner, walking the dog etc etc I don’t have to ask or direct. He doesn’t game but he is planning to watch the football later, which is fine because before that he’ll have sorted everything else first like a grown up.

No, it’s not normal, nor is it acceptable! He’s an adult but refuses to behave like one! My OH spends most of his day on his iPad if I let him, but shopping needs doing, laundry needs doing, meals need preparing and household chores need doing.,.,…….and I refuse to do it all! So I delegate by communicating with him. Sorted!

Having a hobby is fair, but most people with hobbies don’t do it at all hours and at the expense of family/couple time/basic life management. I mean someone who looks after horses isn’t going to start grooming their horse at 2am while in bed with you. A golfer isn’t going to come home, have sex with you, then head back out for more golf (and if they did you’d be out the door pretty fast I reckon).

So if he wants that to be his hobby, he needs to accept that he only does it the same amount of time that normal hobbyists do their hobbies for. Any more than that, and as others have said, it’s an addiction, not a hobby.

There is a difference between gaming as a hobby and gaming as an addiction/life program.

And there is a difference between being a gamer and being a bastard.

If he wasn't gaming but spend the same time on social media, cycling, reading books, or knitting, it would be the same problem.

I don't believe that if he put the games away, he would be doing something more useful instead - and that's the problem here.

Yeah, he's addicted. It's one of the biggest turn offs, i had an ex who was older than me but would game into the night, or id spend a day in thr garden and come in and he'd be in a dark room gaming.

I like a bit of Nintendo myself sometimes, and could easily slip into playing Zelda for hours as time does go wierd when you're enjoying a game, but part of being an adult is recognising when it's time to stop, and if you find you can't stop, recognising you have a big problem. It's SUCH a time sink if it's all the time, hobby my arse if it is something that stops you taking part on normal life then it's an u healthy hobby.

I think a very direct conversation is needed - give him the list of things that need doing before any gaming - you are supposed to be recovering from surgery and should not be doing the chores. Don't let the resentment build up - be clear, calm and firm about what needs doing and that he needs to limit his gaming. He's a grown man, not a teenage boy and he has responsibilities. He's taking the piss and needs to grow up.

I actually feel so sad for you, you deserve better than him he obviously doesn’t care about your needs and only for himself, even if you’ve got kids together if he’s not right for you he’s not right for you and personally I don’t think he is

What does he bring to the relationship?

As far as he is concerned he has a housekeeper who also provides sex.

Long term you have no future with him. In the short term I would stop doing anything for him - cooking, washing, sex.

It sounds like he has an addiction so it's going to be an uphill battle until he addresses it.

In the meantime iyou will need to be more direct with him eg instead of saying "I need to put washing on" you say " please put the washing on"?

It doesn't solve the mental load problem but you are giving him a binary choice and making it clear what is needed, which is harder to brush off.

Fair, it was probably easy to ignore when you were doing your own thing, i don't think there is anything wrong with gaming really, men can game and not be useless. I think you might need to start giving him a list like he is a teenager if you want stuff done.

Why on earth are you with him? Dump him obviously.

Don’t have children with him, whatever you do.

You are beig unreasonable to stay in this relationship. I can't see what you're getting out if it.

Id be asking him what exactly he thinks you get from this relationship because its not a partner to run the house with, and its not a partner whose interested in you as a person is it.... he doesnt seem to want to spend any time with you!!

What was he like pre marriage?

I'd definitely leave if I had kids. I wouldn't want them to think this is an acceptable relationship dynamic.

Married to a gamer - both online and D&D. He pulls his weight. We went through a phase where he didn’t (ND doesn’t bloody help) so I now tell him what jobs need doing, and we have a blackboard.

But he has never, ever, put gaming before helping me if I’ve been ill / post surgery.

You need to sit down and set some boundaries. What I did in the problem period was to sort out the WiFi router. I’m the admin for it, so I set it to kick his phone and computer off the system at certain points (midnight for example). After a couple of times of losing game play he started logging off earlier. That and clear expectations so if he was ignoring me / jobs to play then the router would ‘glitch’ and be down for enough time to get the job done. It took me about 3 months but he’s controlled the gaming since then.

Good luck

My husband and I are both gamers. The issue isn’t the gaming. It’s that he’s a useless piece of shit. He should be looking after you! DH and I share housework and when we’ve had surgery each has done everything for the other.

What do you get out of this relationship?

Wife of a gamer here also. He probably does more of the house stuff than I do and games if he has checked we don't have anything else to do/I want to catch up on my programmes he doesn't watch/has organised time to do so on a co-op with a friend.

I'm guessing if it wasn't games your "D" P would find something else to waste his time with and it's not that gaming in and of itself is the issue.

DH is a gamer and has another hobby that is immersive and can monopolise his attention for hours - neither come before parenting or being a useful member of the household. I had to have major surgery early last year, literally couldn't lift anything heavier than 1kg or bend over for 6 weeks afterwards and I slept a lot. During those 6 weeks he did all the housework, cooking, laundry, shopping - all the stuff we usually share - and didn't complain once.

Yours sounds like a useless man-child who thinks he's found himself a nice live-in cook and housekeeper so he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. You'd be better off without the additional cleaning and laundry that he generates.

Well look, ffs just get rid of the lazy arse! Leave him to fcking fend for himself. Why subject yourself to a life of twattery with a moron?

My husband is a gamer. Definitely can confirm this is not normal. When do you spend time doing stuff together?

I wouldn't accept that from my teenagers.

I'm hoping this isn't too committed a relationship from your descriptions because he certainly isn't an adult partner, and unfortunately the odds of this type addressing their behaviour to be decent, funtional adults is pretty poor. You deserve better.

This here. It sounds like a joyless existence being with him regardless of your current post-surgical condition.

My DH is a gamer and nothing like this.

Why would you put up with this?

Wife of a gamer. He would never leave the house like that before gaming regardless of whether or not I had surgery. He might need prompting to do the washing. Since having kids he has mainly chosen not to get certain games as knows he'd want to spend time on them that he just doesn't have anymore (most the games he plays are not suitable to play in front of the kids) and is waiting til he can play without neglecting everyone. So basically, no I don't think your experience is normal and he needs to either make some serious changes or jog on!

Edited to add that part of the reason he has made the choice about not gaming so much as he knows that he gets addicted to certain types of games as well and can lose hours and hours without noticing - he doesn't want to do that so just avoids those ones completely now