Daughter is becoming a hoarder

DS definitely takes after me - I've been upset this week about the Christmas tree.

My 7yo DS is very much like this. He's hates parting with anything. Sometimes I've made him get rid of stuff and he's cried hysterically. Sometimes he'll go on about missing something for months after it's gone, even things like a chair he'd grown out of. The worst was this new year's eve when he got really upset and started crying saying he'd miss 2025!

I just reiterate to him that life moves on and he outgrows things. Toys he doesn't play with because he's older need to be passed on to a smaller child who can appreciate them etc. I still have to manage him being upset but I'm consistent with the message and just deal with it, because we have a very small house and there is no alternative

Give your daughter a bit of agency in this. You shouldn’t be getting rid of any of her stuff without telling her, but you can set clear boundaries. If she wants a new book, tell her that you’re happy to get it for her provided she selects an old book to give to a charity shop once you get home. If you get home and she can’t decide, then you make sure you’ve told her that if she can’t decide then the new book gets returned. A one in one out policy can seem a bit harsh, but it establishes rules while allowing her the agency to pick and choose what she wants to keep

This is good and similar to what I was going to say. One in - one out for books, toys, clothes etc.
She can only have something new if something else goes first. She's old enough to understand that and understand that there is limited storage space.

With the arts and crafts you can set a limit on how many can be kept or you could have a couple of folders with plastic pockets to keep art and drawings in (so it looks tidy) and once they are full something will have to go if she wants to put something new in. Or she could have one folder for each year of her life with the best of her art in each one. This would keep it in check.
Anything else gets binned (whether she likes it or not). She can take a photo before it goes. Perhaps she could make a photo book each year of her artwork as well as, or instead of, the folders.

I think you are right to be concerned about this and it could turn into hoarding behaviour. It would be worth seeking professional help too, especially if she still reacts badly when you tell her about one in-one out or selecting some artwork to keep.

@EilonwyWithRedGoldHair i was exactly the same. I remember taking a photo of our old dishwasher before it got taken away and replaced with a new one. And I remember if I wanted something in a shop- even a cheese or loaf of bread- but had to ask my mum first, I would hide that exact one somewhere weird so I could get it again. I have ADHD

It's ok for her to cry OP. It's normal. I think too many parents now thing a child crying is the worst thing ever and must be prevented if at all possible. It's ok for them to experience sadness, and to learn that life does go on, yes we feel sad for a bit and then we recover, time heals us.

Nearly all children will cry when having to throw a few things, they all do this, where magically apparently something is 'special' the second you want to bin it.
You just need to press on, encourage her to take a photo as a memory etc, and obv she can keep some special items, but she can't designate everything as special. Start with the earlier stuff. Now that she's older, drawings from when she was much younger that might have seemed extra good at the time will probably not seem so brilliant now and she may be more willing to dispose of them.

And just empathise and say yes it can feel sad throwing things can't it, but you will feel better about it later /in a few days.

Find a child psychologist. This is an attachment issue -- if she literally cannot bear to part with anything, it's a deeper-seated issue than just being spoilt.

Why are you even questioning this? She is 10 you are an adult. If you want the stuff binned then bin it.

Tell her she can keep X number of types of things. Her best ones/favourites/things she will use. So crafts she’s made, if she had 20, say she can keep her favourite 5. Give her a time frame to decide.

My DS couldn't get rid of anything - also got very distressed when we had a new front door and when we needed to replace the TV.

He's autistic. He felt that being got rid of would make all those things unhappy.

I voted YANBU, but this reply makes it sound like you were quietly getting rid of some of her belongings without telling her? If you were occasionally throwing away things that are hers in the hope that she won’t notice, this is going to have the opposite effect to the one you want.

Give your daughter a bit of agency in this. You shouldn’t be getting rid of any of her stuff without telling her, but you can set clear boundaries. If she wants a new book, tell her that you’re happy to get it for her provided she selects an old book to give to a charity shop once you get home. If you get home and she can’t decide, then you make sure you’ve told her that if she can’t decide then the new book gets returned. A one in one out policy can seem a bit harsh, but it establishes rules while allowing her the agency to pick and choose what she wants to keep.

The other thing you can do is have a box where you tell her to put anything she’s not that interested in anymore, and agree that if she hasn’t wanted anything from the box in a year’s time, then it gets given to charity.

It’s good to nip the hoarding and emotional attachment in the bud early, but it needs to be done sensitively. Excessive attachment to objects is often a sign of fear or loss or feeling out of control elsewhere in life.

I think it’s unreasonable to force your daughter to part with her possessions. When she starts secondary school, she will probably not want her new friends to see her toys and will want to get rid of some of them. My daughter was always so proud of all her certificates, and I would never have expected her to get rid of any of them - they’re still upstairs in a box and she looks at them occasionally when she’s home. We put up lots of shelves in her bedroom, bought loads of storage boxes, and we sorted and tidied everything together so thst her room wasn’t a mess.

How about buying her a lovely memory box and aiming to keep the top three favourites of each type of gift , the others you can photograph

I was like this, still am a bit but have had to get better. I have ADHD (diagnosed as an adult) so I think that’s why.

what would have helped me would have been to be able to photograph every thing and write down any memories attached to it. And also a ‘one in one out’ system before birthday and Christmas’. What didn’t help me was doing a car boot sale- I remember being really upset when people would bargain for my toys down to £1 or £2- it felt disrespectful.

Would she be ok with selling things and getting the money? You can pretend if you can't be bothered to go through the process and just give her money for thr things "someone bought" while she was at school.

But yes, if she will never let go of anything, professional help is the way to go. You don't want this being an even bigger issue as an adult. I have a very good friend who is a harder and it does impact their life significantly. Better to help early than get that far.

Is it literally just tears? If it is then you need to get this sorted right now as she is in danger of becoming a spoilt brat. If it's more than that then you may have to explore other routes, including some kind of medical diagnosis.

Would it help to get a professional declutterer in? You could look for one who has sensitivity and specialises in dealing with hoarders. The professional could come once a year until it becomes normal. Would be money well spent if it stops your lovely daughter becoming a hoarder.

You're getting lots of practical advice here about how to declutter, organize etc. but this would only be a temporary help as this update is definitely pointing towards underlying problems.

It's one thing to be a collector of things or to be quite attached to things, and have a natural accumulative personality ...but quite another of she is experiencing actual distress at the mere thought of parting with "stuff " then this could be indicative of deeper mental health issues.

I would honestly explore some professional help here .

Of course it is normal. I'd be much more worried if a child had no pride in their artwork or interest in keeping their toys, and no desire for autonomy and choice over them.

It doesn't mean op should indulge this behaviour, of course old things need to be thrown out to make room for new ones. But this is not a sign of mental illness, it is a normal desire for autonomy and ownership

So there’s tears. So what? She’s not going to die. Sometimes children cry. It’s part of parenting unfortunately and you can’t become an enabler to hoarding just because you can’t cope with a few tears and mould your life around avoiding them.

There's a charity shop near us specially for kids toys so I sometimes take the kids there with their donations and they physically hand it over and then I'll buy them a new one. The volunteer there helpfully makes a big fuss of "wow some younger children will love playing with these" and it works great

The hoarding is a symptom of something. I would get her some therapy and try to get to the bottom of this as this is not normal. The focus should be first on why she is hoarding rather than how to get rid of her things. Address the problem, not just the symptom.

This is really normal child behaviour so don't worry about people suggesting trauma counselling etc, my goodness.

There are lots of ordinary things you can do...

1. making a big deal of "you're so grown up now" let's give these babyish toys away to baby cousin/neighbour/baby bank
2. Donate 3 toys to charity and you can have 1 new one
3. Let her take photos of artwork before binning it
4. Have a big box of artwork and throw the oldest bits in it away every so often (this works really well for us)

My (now adult) DD was a hoarder and still leans that way. I culled a lot of her things without her knowing until she was an adult. No regrets.

Moving out & living on her own & having to keep all her stuff in one room & having to move house with it... she has learned to cull for herself.

Is it fair to insist she has a sort out and parts with some of it? She will find that so hard.

Of course it's fair. It's your JOB as a parent to help her learn how to deal with getting rid of stuff and making appropriate decisions. How has it got to the stage that age 10, she has every toy she has ever had? Were you not making decisions about having a clear out when she was 3, 4, 5?

She is definitely old enough to realise that her room is a fixed size and that she cannot simply keep adding more things to it. She is also old enough to know that toys/books designed for a pre-schooler or 5 year old are not appropriate for her. She is also probably well aware that her friends' rooms do not appear as cluttered as hers.

Something like Sort Your Life Out on BBC is suitable for her to watch. It does need to be addressed though as it will just get worse. Also, she is 10 and a child, you are an adult and need to make the decisions which are in her best interests.