Daughter is becoming a hoarder

What are you doing? My children would never knowingly part with anything. Which is why as a parent I quietly thin things out on a rolling basis. Why have you indulged this for 10 years? Quietly go into her room and get rid of the tat. Put it in a bin liner and put it in the shed. If she hasn't spotted it in a week. It's gone. Children like to hoard, it's our job to make sure they don't.

I don't know why you're getting such dramatic responses on her OP. It seems fairly normal to me. I have a 6 and 9 year old who won't let me throw anything out. No trauma in their lives. They just love stuff and don't have the maturity to care about tidiness etc. I do throw art work, toys etc out but they get upset/annoyed with me, especially my 6 year old. Neither will let me get rid of their teddies and there are so many of them though they do play with them. I would just try and get rid of little bits and pieces at a time. Tell her you are putting them in the attic and hope in a while she forgets and you can donate some of her toys. Maybe put some of her clothes on vinted and explain that she can buy new things with the money made.

Sounds like my daughter. After many months of trying to get her to tidy her room, I bought packing boxes and basically tipped the contents of the room in to them put them all downstairs and told her to pick out onny what she treasures to go back upstairs. The rest is going to the tip. This is the only way we can sort it.

Never throw things away without asking her. That will make her much more anxious and make her want to keep track of everything. and she won’t trust you.

you have to help her make decisions for herself, not decide for her.

Some of the comments on this thread are really harsh, all I will say is that those memories of toys chucked without consent last in to adulthood. Interesting how so many are saying just chuck it, it's normal for kids to cry. Then others wondering if she feels this way due to trauma.

I have an awful lot of stuff, my parents were the same and my DD is a little like the OP's DD. I am AuDHD and have always had strange attachments to inanimate objects, various collections on the go. For me, I found that stuff more reliable than my friendships as a child. I'm not sure if it's the neurodivergence or the role modeling on our family, maybe a bit of both. My parents actually kept a lot of our childhood toys and it's been nice to see them again, things like Lego, Duplo, sylvanians and Playmobil are just lovely things. There is a balance though and that's what I try and do with my DD, she no longer keeps everything.

Personally, I think keeping certificates and a selection of art work (maybe not all, take pics) is fine. It's ok to have a few collections if stored well, having a collection of favourite books is great (keeping a few old faves from.when she was younger is fine as long as it's getting in to more age appropriate too). It is nice to have memories attached to certain things and remember who bought them for you and it's understandable if she wants to keep the special ones. But then it's also nice to pass some less special ones on, or sell, to someone else who would love them just as much. Maybe that item would be happier being loved (fully aware that they don't have feelings but that's not how kids always think).

DD has always been like this. 17 now and diagnosed with autism. Her room is a health hazard. It's so cluttered it's impossible to clean it.

I still have under my bed five box of memorabilia from my childhood.

One thing that I remember doing is taking a photo of an item so you are keeping the memory. Another thing is just buying and owning less stuff.

My kids are the same and in really surprised by the responses on here too what is a common reaction for kids. There's even a bluey episode about it.

We do gradual and subtle culls, so usually into a box first. Gosh, if I was thinking about getting counselling for my kids, their over sentimentality when it came to objects would be pretty low down the list.

I have often wondered this. My son is 25 and won’t throw anything away, toys from childhood, boxes etc.. I don’t think he’s autistic but he does have some traits and this must be one of them.

One of my dc struggles with getting rid of things. What works for us is having a "trial separation" where we put things in the loft for 6 months. If she misses them, she can have them back, but she almost never does.

It also helps her a lot to talk in terms of toys and clothes going to a charity shop for other dc to other. She really over empathises with items and gets upset about the idea of them not being cared for.

Have you tried watching the Stacy bbc ‘sort your life out’ with her? My 9 year old likes watching it. Pick the episode carefully.
Do suggest photographing art and creating an album folder on a computer or even printed photobook.

I think it's really unfair to throw away her things without her knowing. Wanting to hold on to books and artworks she's proud of is hardly weird. Neither is being attached to a stuffed toy.

Of course she needs to learn to let things go but you can't throw away precious things behind her back.

Maybe you can sit down with her and explain that you need to make some space and that some things are going to have to go. Tell her they can be photographed or catalogued in some way, but they need to go. You can start with things that might be easier for her, e.g. clothes that don't fit, toys that she no longer plays with. Obviously you don't throw away books. Artworks maybe can be sorted through and she can keep the ones she really loves, maybe in frames on the wall. Photograph the rest and let them go, or if she really doesn't want to do that, maybe get some big folders to put them in so they can be stored away.

If you can show her that giving unused toys and clothes away is helpful to other children, that might motivate her. Show her that objects can continue to have a life beyond her room.

God, me too. Attachment to inanimate objects. It’s a curse that few ppl understand. You would not choose it if you had the option. I guess it falls into the OCD bracket. It’s amazing to hear similar stories from other people 🥲 tho obviously shit that they have experienced it too.

Be grateful if you have never had this, it isn’t as easy as “just stop doing it”, everyone who has, or has had this wishes they didn’t ‘need’ to do it. Definitely psychological.

Buy her a lovely scrap book that she can decorate and cover in stickers etc. Print of the photographs and she has them altogether.

Yes I was going to say this. I know two people very similar, both of whom are autistic.

It's important that you explain why she has to get rid of things. Explain that unless some things go, there can't be any new things in the room. For everything that goes in, something has to come out.

As others have mentioned, take photos of art work and make a folder on your phone/tablet that she can look at. Allow her to keep a certain number of pieces, her favourites.

Give her the chance to choose what happens to the things she gets rid of. A charity shop would be best, but allow her to choose the charity (it doesn't necessarily HAVE to go here.. so long as she thinks it does.. if it helps it helps).

If there are massive meltdowns about it that don't calm, then yes a visit to the GP would be worth it to have a chat about neurodivergence etc, but definitely not the first port of call.

Please don’t make her throw out a book every time she gets a new one, building a library is a wonderful part of many people’s lives.

I think there’s some harsh replies on here. Firstly, does she actually have too much stuff? I had virtually no books as a child and the few I did have I hung onto. I still have the same ones now and I’m 60. They make me happy. Certificates - put them a folder for now. I don’t see a reason to get rid of those now. Arts and crafts- depends how big and how much space they take up. Toys - looking back now, I had very few - some dolls and Lego. That’s about it. I’ve kept the dolls and the Lego was used by my own children. I think it would be extremely cruel to get rid of her possessions without discussion.

Any other type of trauma? Adults in the family with addiction issues, one parent away for long periods of time?

I would consider looking into OCD/anxiety/neurodivergence. She may think that throwing things out or getting rid of things means that x/y/z will happen. I think truly looking into why she’s so reluctant to part with anything is much more important, and will prevent a reoccurrence if you do manage to get her to dispose of anything.

Personification of objects - imagining it would hurt their feelings is common with autism. They're often intensely sensitive children.

Have to say, my DD was similar as a child - very sentimental and overly attached to objects. Also ASD. But it hasn't persevered, but she needs to be in the right frame of mind to tidy and declutter.
She's spent some time this week sorting out her A level gubbins. Which she couldn't do before because it upset her. She's happy at Uni now, so able to let go.
Maybe your DD finds transitions hard? This the over attachment to objects that represent significant things to her. Perhaps that's something she needs a bit of guidance about? That we can have special memories but don't have to keep everything connected to that - perhaps some way of more appropriately collecting those thoughts - an album or scrapbook perhaps could ease the need to literally keep everything. I don't think this is a massive problem tbh, but she does need a bit of help dealing with these feelings.

If you really want to turn her into a hoarder, make her do a sort out.

Do you have a garage/loft storage place? I usually say to my daughter that we can box it up and put it in the garage so if she wants it we can still get it out. Usually then she forgets it even existed !

She doesn't need therapy, she needs a mother who is prepared to teach her about life, rather than indulging her every time she turns the waterworks on. Sorry OP, but this is on you. You should have started doing this with her from the age when you first began to see that she had too much, probably about 3, then by now it's unlikely it would have been a major issue. Our job as parents is to prepare our children for life as adults, not to give into tears and objections, as if you carry on like this, you are going to have one hell of a time with her when she reaches her teens, and tells you what a dreadful mother you are because you refuse to let her do things that she'll tell you 'all her friends do!' She'll have screaming fits, and call you all sorts of names, and what will you do then, give in and let her do something that you know she shouldn't be doing??

I think you should sit her down and explain that there is a limited amount of space in her room, she's now got to a point where she has too much stuff, and it's time to let some of it go, or she will not be able to have ANYTHING new until she does. Then stick to it, every time she sees something she wants, or asks for something new, tell her she can have it, but in order to do so, she has to get rid of something first. Also, model the same thing for yourself, so if you want to buy a new item of clothing, tell her you're going shopping for a new skirt, top, whatever, and then ask her to come and help you decide which item of clothing you should get rid of, because you haven't got room to keep buying things unless you get rid of something. Then when her birthday is approaching, tell her that you need to go through her things together and choose some things to get rid of ready for when her birthday comes, as she's bound to be given new things, and there won't be room. You can get her to choose things and put them in a box, so that if she gets 6 new toys, she can then chose 6 things of similar size, from the box to give to a younger child, or to a poorly child in hospital, which ever you think will resonate with her most.

This is the instinct almost every child has. Many don't like to flush their poo away in the beginning of potty training! But most of them get trained out of it from the very beginning by their parents ("bye poo" "we are not taking that stone home" "no, you already have a doll" "we are throwing out these paintings now") and it sounds like you haven't quite done that. So start with that.