Does anyone else feel like this re: parents

Infrequently my mum is like this. I’ll tell her we’ve booked our honey moon and we are so excited and she will say what time is the flight and then is it 9:05 or 9:27 or 9:31. Is it Heathrow or Gatwick. Etc and it’s not the detail I’d personally want to dwell on. But she does. It’s dull

Do you remember the story of the Romanian babies in the orphanages? If they're not cuddled and loved at a young age their brains don't develop and they don't learn empathy.

My mum wasn't a Romanian orphan but she was neglected emotionally, never kissed and cuddled as a child. I don't ever remember her doing the same to me.

My mum is like this, I was so envious for the longest time that I didn’t have the relationship with my mum that my mates have with theirs. I actually think my mum might be neurodivergent.

I've learned to adjust my expectations.

It was weird for me as a teenager, seeing close mother/daughter relationships amongst my friends - I had no idea they existed.

My mother is similar, I sort of know she cares (or at least I hope she does) but she never seems able to show it.

I have learnt to limit what I tell her and try to manage my expectations. I will give her a high level summary of events after they have happened and been dealt with and if I need support to get through the event I seek that elsewhere.

We employ a harsher strategy with MIL. We just don’t share anything with her so then she can’t make it all about her.

My dm is like this and we are now no contact like others here. I had exactly the same thought as you..strangers on the street had more concern than she does about me and my family..sorry no advice about your dh but for her, go nc x

Not easy op. I got told at counselling dont try and change them. Mine the same no huge interest in me unless its about her or doing something for her.

Ditto @YelramBob and i feel for the OP too. Its horrible to feel like you're shouting into the wind. You have to find your connections elsewhere or you go the same way and also become emotionally closed off. Glad you have your dad. I had my uncle but born in 1940, he had his limits. But he was a 'modern man' and he tried to understand me and I loved him for it.

My mum is exactly the same. She still talks to me about the weather for 20 mins, never about the past, the future. Sue has given me emotional support twice in my life. I’m wondering whether to ask her about it and try and tell her how it makes me feel. She’s always been a good listener and good at being practical but praise and emotional support are not natural to her. Have hit my 50s and long for her to praise me and give me a hug. Very sad 😔. I try and do the opposite with my kids xxx

I do feel a bit sorry for my mum as she was raised by emotionally unavailable parents, her own mother was a cold fish who never showed her any love or affection.

I'm the same as the OP, I can relate a tale to my mum on the phone and she passes me on to my dad. Who thankfully has some empathy and we have a nice chat 😁

You have a mum who cannot meet your emotional needs.

Eventually even great mums cannot do it because they become senile or pass away. Everyone has to learn to self-soothe and emotionally self regulate. It’s also good to form strong bonds with a partner who can emotionally support you.

Mums can often give more than they get. Partners expect reciprocation and will grow weary of a partner who is needier than they are. So growing up is about managing yourself and forming strong peer bonds that are balanced.

You might still be relatively young and it may feel unfair that you don’t have a mum who can emotionally support you as much as you still need. It does suck. I think the only thing you can do is to accept that your mum has the capacity that she does, become more self sufficient, and build peer bonds that support you. Everyone has to in the end.

My relationship with my mother improved 10x ever since I accepted I can’t really talk about my life with her.

We talk about her, about extended family, about the weather if need be, but as a person I don’t really exist and it seems to have made it better.

Mine would have asked the same thing then go on to tell me she had been hit by a bus too but her bus was so much bigger and shes much more injured than i ever could be

Im nc with her (not for this) and life has got so much better

Dp would be there for me like a shot

A wise woman once told me 'you cant change her but you can change your expectations of her'

Exactly this. Make do and mend generation. The ration years lasted as long, if not longer than the war. I don't know how my grandmothers raised their kids singlehandedly, sleeping in bomb shelters by night (Birmingham) whilst their husband's fought. Being in touch with their emotions would have meant dealing with their trauma. They didn't have the time or money or knowledge to do that. Phenomenal generation in so many ways, my gratitude is unending to them, but I'd have never sought support or emotional advice from them.

Both my parents were the same. Not allowed to struggle mentally. They never even said 'I love you', even as children. As adults, discussing it with my brothers, we'd deliberately say it to them after a visit, while saying bye and watch them fluster for our amusement.

But they were there in practical ways a lot of the time. I think it was a generational thing.

Dm is the same! She's 82 so maybe it's a deflecting mechanism that is very common in English people. Sort of stiff upper lip and talk about the weather!

You have to accept that she cannot meet your emotional needs and cannot empathise. If she cannot do it now she never will. Make your peace with it for your own sake. It is hard to accept when those closest to us can’t give us what we need. Do you have friends or siblings you can talk to ? You mention your husband is the same as your mother. You may be repeating a pattern from early childhood in seeking the same attachment style, I’m no psychologist but in recent years I’ve learnt a lot about myself in this regard , I recommend The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube, she is excellent, has helped me a lot and saved me a fortune in therapy fees.

That's awful but I can imagine my mum saying a similar thing. Is it that generation, post war when people just got on with it and didn't discuss feelings or pain?

I have one of those, OP. She has seemingly endless empathy for strangers (people suffering in the news etc) which is great, but she can’t seem to relate to people she actually knows. I’m used to it for me, but a recent thing that really shocked me was when the eldest son (from first marriage) of a friend of hers (friend used to look after me a lot as a child, we owe her a lot) was diagnosed with cancer for the second time, and I suggested that she should perhaps call her friend to see how she’s coping etc, and she just said “but I wouldn’t know him if he was standing right in front of me.”

🙃

I don’t know what sort of disconnect people have when they’re like this.

My mother is the EXACT same! I yearn for a mother/daughter chat and yet when we speak I just end up feeling worse. It’s criticism, barbed comments and judgement- it’s exhausting and often takes me days to get over it. I never learn and always hope that it will be different next time

My sister is like this. She's pretty self absorbed but that might be because she has anxiety and anyone else's issues apart from her own is insignificant. Not that is a valid excuse but is your mum like this?

My mum is the same, zero emotional intelligence. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer she couldn't handle it at all. I asked her if she would stay with me while I was waiting for the diagnosis and her reply was 'I HAVE to get home'. Yeah, thanks mum 👍

Just stop expecting them to change. My mother has to beat me in the illness stakes.

me my head hurts
her I have a migraine
me I banged my head when I fell over and hit it on concrete
her I have a brain tumour

my Miscarriage became about her somehow

phone someone else. Stop doing the same
thing and expecting a different result. You will be forever disappointed

my mum makes up symptoms. She was telling me that she was having seizures. I started looking up the number to report to DVLA and magically the seizures disappeared. as I said she would lose her licence.

I don’t speak to my mum. It stresses me out. I do miss having someone that cares about me like other people do. But it’s not in my path.

find other cheerleaders who will support you.

Perhaps she is neurodivergent?
Could be worth exploring this so that you can find a way of accepting how she reacts without taking it too personally and as a sign that she doesn’t care 😊

My mum is the exact same!

I too feel jealous when other girls have a great relationship with their mum, I think it’s a pretty normal response to how they are with us.

my mum always has to have something worse than you, I could ring her tell her iv got a banging headache and now she’s got a migraine and her heads falling off!!