Does anyone else feel like this re: parents

My mum is like this.

Me: hi mum, how are you?
mum: I’m okay.
Me: so I got hit by a bus today and I feel upset as I can’t walk and I’m in pain.
mum: it would have been better if you were hit by w bus here, we have much better hospitals here. My neighbours son got hit by a bus in 1994. I sometimes get the bus to town to go shopping, it’s not as quick as driving but parking can be difficult.

Me:….???

Getting worse in old age. Sometimes I think about commenting but… more trouble than it’s worth!

Well in the example, DM didn’t change the subject, she asked what colour the bus was. I don’t think DM was being hurtful, she was just trying, weirdly, to get the full picture of the incident.

Yes, she’s emotionally unintelligent but hurtful, no!

That’s interesting that you feel that as when I was growing up I felt there was something wrong with me as all my friends had close loving relationships with their mums and I had a cold, cruel mum. When I have met people throughout my adult life who have had a similar childhood, it has really helped me to realise it wasn’t my fault. Them sharing their experiences has been very cathartic for me.

We often love people that reflect the things we are familiar with.

I do also think people want to show they are listening by offering their own similar experience to show they know what the other people are going through. Rather than just listening & saying 'that's so hard for you - Im sorry that happened to you' etc. The worst one i saw was on a fb feed where friends of my DH had announced the death of their 6 week old baby (SIDS) & the sister of the couple had said ' I know just how you feel - I was devastated when my dog died too' 🙁 she's an odd woman but still.

My late DM was like this. Ahe also lived hours away (I left home straight after Uni as hated living back at home). A normal childhood but both parents cold and a bit distant. DM didn't want 3 daughters (wanted sons) & my parents didn't get on that well so she was probably unhappy and a bit depressed all her life. Didn't drive etc. Gave up good teaching job to be a SAHM. I couldn't wait to leave. BUT my DH of 26 years is also a bit lacking in empathy sadly. So I guess we do pick partners sometimes that remind us of our parents. I used to ring my DM & she'd tell me all about Kay from church and her 3 daughters and what they were all up to but not ask that much about her 2 actual grand daughters. It used to make me feel shit tbh. 😪 She died when I was 45 & had Congestive HF/broken hip/kept falling and beginnings of dementia at the end and she lost all filters. Not a nice person in the end. Very sad really. 😔 I think lonely old people have a very small world abd fixate on tiny things in their lives. ie the milkman and all about his family or illnesses. or church and all the drama there. My mum refused to learn how to use email etc or get a smart phone so it was harder to stay in touch from a distance. all very depressing. I refuse to be like that!

You have no idea, catastrophising is very common 🙄

@Hohumhuee… but the thread title is ‘does anyone else feel like this?’? It would be a pretty boring and unsupportive thread if all the answers were just ‘yes’ or ‘no’?

the OP has already been on to say how glad she is that she isn’t alone?

Oh Goodness I read this and took a deep breath because ive never really met anyone with a similar relationship to their mother than I do. I've long thought my mum is autistic and genuinely does not know what the correct response should be.

-when I had a miscarriage she asked me the circumstances and decided that the reason was because I'd had an early scan at 8 weeks and that had caused it and told me this.
-when I graduated whilst having 2 kids and a DH who worked away and put myself through he'll to get there she said 'well you did an easier degree to make sure you graduated'

• everytime the children do anything remotely like what a child would do she blames it on my parenting eg baby waking through the night my fault because I breastfed.

Its sad but we have this weird relationship now where she calls and tells me abiut stuff going on in her life (that i dont care about, what her neighbours or colleagues are doing) and then I give her the brief headlines of my week without giving her anything she could use. We have never gone shopping together or hung out. I am literally the opposite with my children.

That does sound tough and frustrating OP, especially if you're feeling a bit low and lonely.

I can relate to some.of it, especially the lack of affection part you mention - something I experience with my parents.

I think the advice adjusting expectations, accepting your mum's limitations and building other sources of suppport is good. As others have said you can't control your mum, but you can control how you react.

I don't think it's a reason to cut off contact though. It doesn't sound as she's wantonly malicious or spiteful, but just has low emotional intelligence.

There's a lot of reasons why this mighg be e.g. undiagnosed neurodivergence, upbringing, generational differences. I'm thinking a lot about the older generation in my family, the idea of parents, aunts, uncles discussing how they or how others feel - it just wouldn't happen. There is no physical affection displayed ever. If you saw my parents come round (they live a couple of hours away and only see each other every other month) you'd think we were strangers almost, bemused if I try to hug them. Deflect emotional chat etc Still I know they love me and the grandkids (though would never ever verbalise this!) In their own way. A rupture would cause deep hurt on both sides and I don't think they would ever understand my frustations.

Seek out other sources of emotional supprort OP - it's really important. Keep your mum in your life, but reduce your expectations as to what she can offer emotipnally to ease your frustration. It may take some practice. Good luck!

This is a very wise reply. I’m sorry for your trauma.

Perhaps they are important to her? Overwrought is a very loaded word.

Personality disorders can play into it I think. There's a good site online called out of the fog with strategies for dealing with it . Grey rock is about just talking about things like the weather. It can get exhausting though for more than short periods of time

This is exactly how my neuro-divergent teen is. She has to have all the tiny little details of the situation so she can process it. I once remarked “ach, that girl has just thrown her ice lolly wrapper on the ground, isn’t that awful?” her first response was “what kind of lolly was it” 😆

My mum is also very unsympathetic and doesn’t respond with care. I don’t think she is ND, but it is something that’s been really difficult for me to deal with.

At 51, I’ve just decided she isn’t “my person” and I’m ok with that.

It's common for people to choose partners that feel "familiar" emotionally, i.e. mirroring what they were used to from their parents growing up

Yeeess! This is my mum too. I have fantasies about her first question being "Are you okay?" or something instead!

She even did the same thing when I told her my friend had cancer. Interrogated me about my friend's lifestyle and family history instead of saying something like "Oh that's awful, I'm so sorry to hear that. How is she getting on? How are you taking it?"

I think emotion makes her uncomfortable. She's not used to dealing with it. I was raised that way too and was the same way until my late 20s, but something shifted for me and I started trying to get better at recognising and dealing with emotions. She's either never had that awareness or interest.

I am getting better at not having unrealistic expectations of her.

Some people find it almost impossible to deal with the pain of their loved ones. It doesn’t mean that they don’t feel it. In the moment of being shared with they go into a kind of denial. They freeze internally and can’t respond. Because of this I have decided that it is often best to share the things that bother me with either a counsellor or just call The Samaritans who won’t give advice and just listen. Or friends. But even friends can exhibit this trait. People like this are not necessarily unfeeling and cold. In fact they might be the opposite. They might feel too much. We never know what is going on with others. Try not to judge too harshly. It might be more harmful to you to go NC as others on here have but you will eventually know the best course of action.

Just as an example of what I am saying I once shared something quite traumatic with my mother she didn’t respond in the way I needed and I thought she was really cold. Later I discovered that she had experienced the same trauma and had actually been triggered. She was unable to respond in the moment.

just thought I would offer another view.

I could have written your post. I have a fairly strained relationship with my Mum for this reason among others and I never call her anymore. I always came off the phone crying or raging. We communicate through WhatsApp cos it's less stress and I don't have to respond if I don't want to and vice versa. Low contact is the way to go, it works better for us and it saves my mental health. I can go weeks without speaking to my Mum and I'm happier for it. She is still my Mum and i do love her but we are very different people and i get the feeling she doesn't really like me all that much, she said as much when i returned from uni a different person to when I left.

OK but that's a problem though. You don't choose your mum and making peace with how she is is the best way. But you definitely can choose your husband. I personally wouldn't stay with someone like that, as emotional intelligence is absolutely a must-have for me in a partner, but I also understand that I only have a tiny bit of info about your DH and I'm sure there are plenty of reasons why you married him.

Absolutely: resilient and makes the best of things.

My young adult children know what my childhood was like and theirs was completely different. Thanks to my mum, they had a great upbringing with attention, laughter and being my number one. We are just so good and I'm so proud of them and myself.

I'm typing this at my mum's. Drove 3 hours here after a full week's hard work. Do it every 3 weeks. The other sibling is 30 mins away, doesn't, no kids and comes 6 x a year. I will never tell my mum that she could have done better, a lot better. She will never tell me that I've done a great job on my kids, or even that my hair looks nice. She did ask me if I wanted her to pay for a gastric band when she was talking about my weight (again). It's fine. I'm amazing

‘Just focus on the inheritance and using her as a reverse guidebook on how to behave if you have your own children.’

@CinnamonJellyBeans
Focussing on the inheritance would certainly show who you are to any children that you may have.

I think it's the lack of emotional maturity.

Your mother has responded to the words you've said, but not thought about the reason behind why you've said them. You are wanting an emotional response and not a logical response.

I was going to say I think communication should be taught in schools, but then I realised that my children are much better communicators than I am, and I do think this is a positive influence of social media, that people are much better at seeing what responses are "good" and which are "bad" and can then choose to adjust the way they communicate accordingly. And just putting a thumbs up or a heart on a message can in itself be a great way of offering "silent" support.

Just focus on the inheritance and using her as a reverse guidebook on how to behave if you have your own children.

As people get older their life shrinks, sometimes to the extent that they are the only person in it. Don't let this be a sign that because you are unimportant to them, you are unimportant. You have your own intrinsic value that is not defined by anyone else

I think we have a real tendency to give people roles and then expect things from them based on the role rather than on their skills, personalities and capabilities. I think it takes a lot to stop doing this which is why people will keep seeking comfort from their mums again and again despite not receiving it because that's what we expect mums to do.

DM is like this. I always say I'd have to be running down the street naked on fire for her to ask are you alright?

If I want emotional support, I have to then tell her how I'm feeling about the situation, then she generally empathises. I can't appear too upset though as she gets frustrated. Ridiculous really.

I think its just personality- most people think about things through their own perspective and filter first. She thinks she is being helpful by being practical. Maybe it's an age thing that will happen to me, I don't know.

DM didn't grow up in the UK but would have been influenced by her parents.