Should step parents parent?

I think it’s trickier than that.

They’re more like a relative that lives with you I guess - in the way it would be if you lived with grandparents or an uncle or aunt.

They’re not the parent and neither have the final say re discipline nor the responsibility to do everything a parent does. They don’t have to do the hard parts of parenting like early mornings or be assumed to be childcare (they need to be asked, and a negative answer accepted) but they can’t over ride parental decisions either.

They do have an equal say in basic house rules that apply to everyone - eg shoes of in the house (in discussion with the other adults of course) or no phones at the table, as long as they and all adults abide by the same rules.

They can tell a child off for basic, obvious things, but they can’t decide on “consequences” type punishments like grounding or taking a phone away unless the parent agrees.

Basically, the parent and step parent need to have a good relationship and mutual respect and love for each other, so that a lot of the above comes naturally.

I think realistically step parents who are living with a child have to parent to a certain extent - especially if they are in sole charge of the children at times. But I would step lightly and it has to be in conjunction with the biological parents. I don't think step parents should be enforcing their own strict rules without consulting the biological parents - there has to be agreement between the parents so everyone is on the same page.

You said you thought step parents could only parent the child if they legally adopted them. Or if they had a Parental Reponsibility Agreement in place though??

That's totally bizarre.

I agree with you that a step parent should be parenting a child.
But there are many many threads on MN where the step.parent has upset the natural parent by their decisions when looking after the child.
If there is a formal agreement re the parenting it's much safer to assume that both parent and step parent are on the same page when it comes to parenting approaches and decisions in day to day siruations..

What??

If you're looking after a child, you're in loco parentis.

Or at least you should be if you're the responsible adult.

This has nothing to do with adoption.

Only if they are aligned on how to parent.

Especially when child is ND as 'normal' approaches don't often get the same results.

I think it can really depend.

• Does the child live there?
• How old is the child? (teens less likely to respond to an outsider attempting to parent)
• How long the child has known the step parent
• How well the child responds to the step parent's parenting
• How much parenting experience/expertise the step parent has
• Whether there is another active bio parent in the kid's life (e.g. they live 50/50, other parent consulted on stuff like school behaviour)

You think step parents can only say “Noah, don’t jump on the sofa/eat batteries/draw on the walls/run across the road” if there is a legal agreement?

Bizarre

Yes. Obviously you need to be on same page as the parent, you have duty of care to any child in your house and can't stand by watching them put themselves at risk because your only a step parent.

Whoever is looking after a child needs to be “parenting” including paid caregivers, at that time so if a step parent has sole charge at any point they need to be able tell off a child where necessary. The boundaries etc should be agreed upon by the birth parent(s) then all adults stick with it in an ideal world

I thought that step parents could only do this if they legally adopted the child. Or if they had a Parental Reponsibility Agreement in place.
To me it makes great sense that if they are living as a family there is a Parental Responsibility Agreement.

I would absolutely hate to live with someone else's child and not be able to actually parent in all the good and bad ways it entails.

If they're all living together, then absolutely yes! What's the alternative? Ignore the kid?
Hopefully it's good parenting, but that's a different debate.

Realistically speaking, a step parent (like any other adult) can’t just stand by like a lemon whilst poor/risky behaviour occurs. So I think YABU