Should step parents parent?

dh is step-parent to my dc. He was always the 'responsible adult' reinforcing whatever guidelines and limits I put in place. But I was the parent. He was not. It worked out fine for us and he had (and still has) a delightful relationship with dc when they were younger, and now as adults.

My stepmum parented me, but I would definitely say she left the harsher talks etc to my dad rather than doing them herself. She would discipline me for basic things but she would never have grounded me or done any kind of consequence punishment. She was in my life from when I was 5 or 6 though and I had 0 contact with my biological mother so perhaps a bit different than if i’d have been a teenager and still had my mother around

This. We’re expected to love them as our own but simultaneously accept we have no say in anything. A stepparent’s place is in the wrong, at least according to many on MN.

Every family dynamic is different. I do think in a long term blended family situation then the stepparent should have some parenting responsibility. My dh has been in my son’s life since he was a toddler (now a teen) and over the years he has done lots of parenting elements - lifts, meals, holidays, childcare - so yeah while his bio dad is very much involved I do think dh deserves some of the dad accolades and rights too.

The issues occur when there are differences in parenting styles between the bio parent and the stepparent. I have a friend whose partner is very strict with her kids and I know it gets to her. She is fairly laid back and I don’t think she’d choose to parent in that way so I’m not sure why she stands for it really.

It’s a tricky one but ultimately if you are expecting someone to play the role of a parent then it involves telling offs too.

Agree with this. I am now DSS primary parent but I very much viewed that if I’m expected to clean his vomit, make sure he brushes his teeth, and do a variety of other things I wouldn’t do for a friend’s child (unless babysitting) then of course I am also responsible for discipline.

It’s just that whereas if two natural parents disagree, it’s probably the default parent who overrides, in this scenario the veto power is with the biological parent (unless, like me now, they become the primary parent).

I think if the parent is expecting you to pick up the slack regarding other aspects of parenting then they shouldn’t say you can’t get involved with the other side like discipline

Like it or not, living in house with children, any adult in it will need to parent. This will include telling off, feeding, looking after, ensuring cleanliness etc. Given the ND status of a child, the adult will need to learn potential pitfalls of their automatic style so may need to go into it even more intentionally. Frankly, with or without ND status, the best thing to do is be very clear in this sort of scenario what you should and should not be doing, what of your style is effective for kids, ND or not, given you may not be automatically viewed as having the authority. Stepparents are very very quickly undermined - there needs to be adult alignment out of the room, in the same way that is needed in a both bio parents scenario.

Families fall apart and children suffer all the time because biological parents don't get this stuff right, let alone stepparents.

As a stepparent I will tell off my SC BUT I very specifically asked my DH that he broadly be in charge of disciplining as he started to get into a classic man thing of being fun dad while I started being seen as the fun sponge.

Children are most likely to be abused when there is a stepparent in the home. Being very clear about what constitutes fair and reasonable discipline has to be established

I would expect a babysitter who had known them five minutes to tell the children off and correct them if they did something wrong or dangerous. So an adult living with them, whether a stepparent or a grandparent or whatever, should definitely take an active role if they are alone with the child.
You don’t have to call it parenting, for me that’s also about having a global long term plan for the child rather than just telling off. But an adult caregiving role is appropriate.

Yes. In ways appropriate to the child's age and needs and in line with how the parents do things.

Unless the parents are neglectful or abusive of course, then they have a moral duty of care and should intervene in the best interests of the child even if it is not what the parents want

If they're teens (even neurotypical teens) I imagine it's very much more difficult for a recent step parent to discipline them. And probably too late for anything to change in the way the bio parent parents them. So I suspect that the step parent would have to put up and shut up to a degree, and fall in with whatever disciplinary structure is already in place, even if they don't think it's working.

I'd hate to be a step parent who joins a family with teens, to be honest. Sounds really tricky.

I think parent is the wrong word. I don’t expect teachers to parent my kids but I do expect them do as they are told and know what’s expected of them if they don’t they will discipline them.
Same in a friends house or a relative or step parent if they are in their care.
I wouldn’t allow a friends child to jump on my sofa even if their mum lets them at home but I’m not parenting them, I’m setting my expectations, as I would if a friend jumped on my sofa.
Police and Security guards are not parenting when they look out for your children.

I think it varies from family to family.

DP is my DS’s step dad, had been since he was 18 months old. He is absolutely a parent to him. In love, discipline, support, money!

But, we are very similar in our approach to parenting, we discussed it deeply, there was no just moving some fella in and him being the new daddy.

When we got together it was very much becoming a family unit together.

Which is why I said “on a step parenting thread” not “on the step parenting board”.

And I’m entitled to my opinion that yours is one of the very stupidest opinions about step parenting that I’ve seen. A view shared by many others looking at the reaction to your post.

I think if they are a long term stepparent and living with the kids they should be following the parenting strategies the parents/s choose. For a ND child these might need to be different to a typical child so the inportance of following the parents lead is even greater.

My step parents parented me.

If a decision that can wait is needed then it should be made by those with parental responsibility - what school, attending parents evenings, choosing extra curricular for example.

General daily "parenting" - please take off your muddy shoes at the door, dont jump on the furniture, dont put that bead up your nose.....anyone with current responsibility should be doing this. Step parents, carers, grandparents, babysitters!

This is AiBU not the Step parenting topic.

The PP said step parenting thread, not topic.

And to be fair, it was a very bizarre assumption that someone can't parent the kids they're looking after, unless they've adopted them or have another legal agreement in place.

So the step parent learns those. Listens to the parent and accepts that any previous parenting they've done or ideas about what parenting looks like might be different. I don't think it's feasible to have a child living alongside an adult knowing they "can't" tell them off, or ask them to do or not do something reasonable. ND is not a free pass for being inconsiderate, rude or anything else (I have ND kids).

My DH cleaned up their vomit, sat for hours helping them with their homework, took them to their clubs, cooked for them and did their washing, put them through uni and gave them deposits to buy a house.

He earned the right to tell them off when needed. Even now, they ring him for advice and help, he does jobs on their homes, taught them to decorate, and does everything a father should do. They adore him. He’s their ‘Dad’.

In some couples the step-parent will have a weirdly passive role, like a lodger in the house. If DH had ever been completely disinterested in my DCs I would never have married him.

This is AiBU not the Step parenting topic.

Op was asking for opinions on someone else's situation. She wasn't presenting her own problem. As such i'm entitled to voice and opinion.

If it was her own situation and problem I would leave it to those with expertise in step parenting situations to advise.

My husband had custody of his kids for about 5 years and I was expected to be like a mum to his kids (if I'd known from the start I'd not have got with him!)

Of course they should parent! I've been with my DH since my children were 3 and 5, they are now 18 and 19, I would basically be single parenting all this time if he wasn't allowed to parent! How stressful and unnecessary for all involved. Of course we have to make sure we are in the same page re parenting styles etc, but then you have to be with the other parent anyway, regardless if step or not. If I wanted to parent on my own I wouldn't have remarried.

Edited to add - also parenting ND kids here too. Makes no difference. I wouldn't be ina relationship or marriage with someone that I couldn't trust to parenting my own children. Of course he makes mistakes as do I, but we work together as a team to get it right.

Their problem isn't that one of the carers is a step parent. Their problem is that they're not on the same page with an nd child, and that is often the case even when both carers are bio parents.

They need to go together to a parenting course for parents of nd children (or together to some other kind of meeting, maybe at school, about the child and their behaviour plan).

One of THE MOST batshit comments I’ve seen on a step parenting thread and that’s saying something 🙄🙈