Should step parents parent?

They can do the same level of "parenting" (immediate care, immediate discipline) as a relative or employed adult (childminder etc) who has been left in loco parentis. This would require the positive agreement of both the parent they are with and their own consent, neither of those should be assumed.

If a child is in immediate danger they should intervene anyway, as a human being.

If the child still has two involved biological parents then they should not be leading on any "parenting" choices such as schooling, discipline boundaries, pocket money, haircuts etc. Ideally they would have as minimal involvement as possible on any of these although some things might need the parent they are with to consider their input wrt the proposed impact on their overall household finances and logistics etc.

As much as anything, it's going to depend on the age of the children when the step parent entered the picture. My son and his wife have three children, but only one of them is biologically his. However, they have been together since the children were quite young, so they both act as the children's parents in exactly the same way they would if all three were biologically theirs. Decisions are made jointly and behaviour is managed jointly and finances are equally shared. I can honestly say he loves all three of his children equally. It's been a joy to watch.

Had they got together when the first two children were in their mid-teens, I would expect the situation to be very different. But my son would still have had to accept that he was moving into someone else's family and be careful not to overstep any boundaries with the older children. Personally, I would never move someone into my children's home at that stage. I would wait until they had left home because very few teenagers are happy for a strange adult to move into their territory. I know I would have hated it.

No. My daughter has two parents, myself and her father.

The presence of romantic partners in our lives has no bearing on that. They will never be her parents. Nor would any of us ever use the term step-parent.

Obviously, all humans have the right to challenge poor behaviour in other humans. If my daughter ever behaved unkindly or badly (which she doesn't) in the presence of one of our romantic partners, I'd accept their right to challenge her on that. Just as a random person on the bus would have that right.

But beyond that - just no.

To be honest, I think if my daughter was behaving in such a way that my or her dad's romantic partner was even tempted to step in and say something to her, the problem would be a lot bigger than a "should step-parents parent" one. But luckily that's never happened.

I don’t think theres a blanket yes or no answer, I think it’s something that each family needs to agree on themselves. And it’s something that needs to be discussed and agreed upon before a step parent moves in imo

Realistically though if you’re living with a child and interacting with them everyday you’re going to need to have some level of responsibility for them.

Yes.

There are times when a step parent needs to step back and let the spouse take the lead, but in general they should parent.

Where the kids are only in the home infrequently, or where they were older and teens when the step-parent came on the scene, there will be more times they need to step back, in my experience.

DH has been step dad to my 3 DC for 10 years. He parents them, the same as I do. He has the same level of authority in the house as a bill paying adult and I promised him when he became a part of us that we were equal and I'd never undermine him.
We communicate. He's a fabulous dad and all 3 dc love and respect him - He treats them with respect too and he loves them as fiercely as I do.
So yes, step parents should parents.

This thread seems much more in favour step parents parenting than they usually go. I'm always surprised how against it some people are. Of course there are different parenting approaches to navigate and it can be particularly tricky with older children or where the other parent is still the scene.

But I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone and living with their children and not being a proper part of their life. Even if I might not have final say on school choice or whatever.

Whenever I was in the care of another adult as a child I knew they were in loco parentis and got to make the rules in general. Even if I was put out by one babysitter who wanted an early lights out when I wanted to read.

Similarly if I spend time with my friend and her children I'll open a juice bottle for a child/ back up my friend if she says no more hot chocolate and they whine to me/build a tower from bricks. We're a group!

I think it depends on the situation. How long have they been together? Contribution to the house overall, partnership etc or just the boyfriend who stays over! Is the other parents involved and hands on?

I think the parent should have the final say on parenting style but the children need to have respect for the step parent.

my SIL become the secondary partner when she for with her new husband and honestly my niece turned into a teenage nightmare!! Her step dad was really strict, her over ruled her mum. I remember calling and asking if I could take her some where and I was told needed to ask SD as it was up to him, I felt this was too far and her mum should have had the final say on whether she was allowed to do things!!

Surely it's all dependent on the age of the child/living circumstances. If you have known the child from a very young age and they are with you most of the time, it would be hard to not fall into a parenting role. You would just be another parent figure to a young child. If you are wiping their snot, loving them, and changing their nappies, you have earned the right to discipline them imo. A step child you've met aged 10 and who just comes on weekends? Leave it to the parent.

I also think that no matter the age etc, a step parent can tell off for basic requirements that all household members should be following e.g. not leaving a mess in the kitchen, or whatever.

If you are left looking after a child alone on a regular basis, then yes, obviously you will need to parent and should parent.

It is funny thought because a lot of people believe there should be no say.

DH and I have taken in my late cousin's three-year-old and cousin's best friend is genuinely of the belief that she should have more of a say in decisions than my DH because he's "not the Dad".

When it's come up in conversation with friends there's been a few others say that they'd see it similarly - all and any decisions should be made by me. Which, to me, is just bizarre. You can't be half of the adults living full time in the home of a 3yo and have zero say.

You can't live with a child and never get involved, attempting that would be madness.

I think the level of parental involvement can vary though.

In our circumstances DH was a widow, he was widowed when DS1 was a baby, and when we got married my girls hadn't seen their father for three years after he walked out to live with someone else. We moved in together when DS1 was 8 and my girls 7 - you cannot live full time with children of that age and not be a parental figure imo. Especially when we were a household where once we lived together we split the school run, split the school holidays and parented pretty equally in terms of time.

In the circumstances of my best friend though - her new (around 5 years now) partner is in the military and he is away for the majority of the time. Her children are teens and split their time between her and their father, who lives in the same street. Her partner has zero experience of children (he says that himself), is hardly ever there, and it would be inappropriate for him to start playing a huge parental role at this stage in the children's lives.

The only people I know who have a strict "we don't parent each others children" rule in their house are one couple who have vastly different parenting ways, and tbh I think it's a recipe for disaster as the children all live under different rules and it's going to erupt at some point. DH and I parented very similarly even before we knew each other so it made blending together much easier - I cannot imagine the conflict when there are differing styles.

I know of a case where the step parent is the main care giver to her two step children (both ND). Biological Mum isn't allowed contact with the children. Dad works long hours and is himself ND and struggles to cope. If it wasn't for Step Mum I suspect both would be in care. She is an absolute saint in my book. I also know of two cases where the Step Dad was in the child's life as babies and the biological Dad no where to be seen. The Step Dad's were amazing Dad's to these children (now adults). Op - maybe there are specifics in the case you are referring to that make you feel the way you do (you haven't mentioned them). Weird of you to make such a sweeping staintment though.

I live with my DP along with my DD who is now 18 (and mostly stays with her bf) and my DS8. Their father isn’t in the picture after a court order stating for him to stay away due to continued abuse and neglect.
my DP has been a godsend for DS, DS is also ND with adhd and I can’t stress how positive he has been in his life. He disciplines if he needs to, verbally obviously and treats both DC like his own. It was a bit more awkward as he doesn’t have any biological children. He knows I stand by his decisions and trust his judgement, not blindly!

Of course the step parent should be parenting a child who lives with them otherwise it will eventually cause arguments in the house. I lived with my dad and stepmum in my teens she also had children who aren't my dad's bio kids and stepmum always threw it in his face that her kids weren't his when it came to establishing rules so he couldn't tell them what to do. It meant her kids got away with everything and believe me it wasn't a happy environment to live in. If the step parent hasn't been around long enough to be able to give rules etc they shouldn't be living with the kids

Well, the child in question is a ND 5yo. So of course the step parent is going to have to parent.

Speaking as someone without direct experience of blended family- I think it might depend on various factors such as how long they’ve been together (more acceptable perhaps for a partner of five years to have some parenting role than one of three months), whether they live with the kids, and whether they ever care for the kids on their own. Eg if they do look after the kids on their own sometimes then surely it’s expected that stepparent would have to make some parenting decisions and take charge? Particularly around discipline, although I would expect parent to have discussed their preferred approach with step parent. When it’s both adults around the kids the step parent would probably look to the parent to take the lead though. Again it’s best if they have a fairly unified approach - I’ve heard of scenarios where a step parent doesn’t agree with parenting decisions and doesn’t feel they can say anything- that’s no good. You also don’t want to end up in good cop bad cop cos kids will exploit that!
Whether the step parent also has kids and whether those kids spend a lot of time with the stepkids/ lives with them some of the time. I imagine it would be tricky if say one parent was looking after all the kids (or even both looking after them) and there were different views on parenting!
So in short I don’t think it’s a simple yes or no situation.

I was a stepmum before I became a mum. I ran baths, washed hair, cut nails, made meals, washed clothes... and yes, occasionally told them off if hubby wasn't there. Step daughter lived with us for over a year- I did homework, listened to her read, took her to school, dropped off at Brownies and friends...
I would say that's all part of the role if a parent.

In general, yes, they are in loco parentis, so should act like it.

In specific much depends on the circumstances. Age of children, age when step/parent got together, degree of co-parenting of biological parents, behaviour of children, degree of acceptance by children, degree to which biological parent wants the step to co-parent..whether it's a blended family..

Of course they should be able to parent them!!

This 👆
You can't live with a child and just be an observer. You are a human being and if this child is misbehaving or disruptive, surely you are within reason to correct them or at least voice your opinion.

Once they move together and move from being parent's BF/GF to being a step parent, they have to have some level of interaction and some level of parenting.

The child being ND just means that they should reflect it in their step-parenting.

Of course they should. Not overriding the parent eg let’s say a teenager does something, and the parent thinks they should be grounded but the step parent disagrees, they don’t get to overrule. But I cannot imagine a situation where a step parent can’t tell a young child off for eg rudeness, or ask them to tidy their shoes away, or tell them not to jump on the furniture.

If they aren’t aligned on parenting then I think it sounds like a bad idea to live together tbh.

I had a really fantastic stepdad who was in my life for over 30 years until he sadly died. He struck the balance just right. We knew he was there should we need anything but he left all of the parenting to my mum. As in, he never disciplined us or elbowed his way in as a Dad figure. He was so good at that and I wish I had told him so. I miss him terribly.

you would assume they would be on the same page as the parenting adults in this scenario

I re-married when my DS was 10 years old. He's ND. I married someone who my DS had got to know as a 'friend of mummy's' over 5 years.

For context I was widowed before DS was born so it was just him & me for years. I introduced my BF carefully as I say, he was mummy's friend for many years & never stayed over unless DS was staying at his GP's house. It was DS who broached the subject of us getting married by asking my BF if he was going to marry his mummy and why not when BF said he hadn't asked me.

As it turned out the marriage was a disaster, but DS & my XH are still close & DS regards him as his 'father'. So in that aspect not a complete disaster, as at least DS has a father figure, just XH was a crap husband. But that's subject for another discussion.

XH felt that he shouldn't discipline DS & left it all to me. Even to the extent that he would leave the room or even the house & say 'over to you'. I've since talked to DS about this (DS is now aged 29) he says that he wishes that XH had been stronger & that he felt that he could divide us by messing around when I wasn't around without consequences & that looking back it would have helped if I'd been backed up by XH.

However, DS suspects that XH is also ND & has tried to discuss this with him, but he refuses to engage in this conversation.

To sum up: I say that a step parent is a parent & they should tell a child off if the child is misbehaving. Just as with natural parents, it should be agreed. From which I mean, both parents should be in agreement about what is acceptable & what to let go. Also need to agree with the punishments - when the naughty step, time out, grounding (and what 'grounding' means) is appropriate.

Always parents need to discuss & have a united front - at least in front of the children, you can discuss late if you disagree with a decision the other parent made.