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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sulking husband

214 replies

Mummalovesya · 10/01/2026 07:29

For years now ever since my middle child was born my husband has had a career that isn’t very sociable.
i don’t drive anymore (I have severe epilepsy so I’m medically not allowed, my license got revoked when I was 23) which means the kids miss out on stuff as I can’t get them there. We live very rural so not many buses etc and have no family near to help.

Over the years he’s been offered numerous jobs to benefit us as a family , be at home more and fits more around family life, he refuses to go. For context he works 7 days a week, barely a day off and if he does get a day off he works from home in the office with the door shut 🤦🏻‍♀️ He worked all over Christmas , new year everything etc. he was taking work calls whilst the kids were opening presents and had to leave mid way through, came back at 4.30pm missed dinner and had to leave shortly after to go to the head office 🙄

I must say, when I met him I was in a career I had longed for my whole life, it was my dream career. I gave it up for him so i know it can be done.

I work now full time. My kids have to go to breakfast club and after school club , I literally get no help with that because he’s at work. At weekends when I’m working and he is , he refuses to help me cos he’s been at work all night and is tired so I have to end up taking my children to work with me or calling in sick.

The kids HATE him always being at work and hate that he’s missed out on so much stuff , he knows this.

He’s been offered a new job just down the road from us, the same amount of money for much less hours. The hours are literally a dream works around us and the kids perfectly and much less stress of my head. He’s accepted the job and handed in his resignation(which he’s done hundreds of times but retracted it) But all he’s doing is sulking.

Hes already planning to go back he said he’s jsut taking a year out that’s it.

AIBU to think he’s just a selfish twat putting his own needs first rather then his kids? I’ve given up my whole career and more for him and we wouldn’t have the kids we do now if I didn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummalovesya · 10/01/2026 08:45

SALaw · 10/01/2026 08:43

Why do you live rurally if it is difficult to get places without a car when you can’t drive? I would chose to live somewhere that suits my and my family’s current needs and it doesn’t sound like you do?

Because it’s for his job and I knew if we didn’t come with him my children wouldn’t see their dad at all and wouldn’t live in the same house and I owe it to them and knowing what I know now if we didn’t come together, they wouldn’t see him and again it was supposed to be a temporary thing

OP posts:
Sanasaaa · 10/01/2026 08:44

What's the point in the marriage? It's meant to be enhancing your life.
He's been very clear that he doesn't want to parent or be around any of you, and sulking is abusive.

If you divorce you can live somewhere with transport and he can either co-parent, or pay maintenance from his £4 an hour job.

Original poster
Mummalovesya · 10/01/2026 08:44

PollyBell · 10/01/2026 08:41

But you had 3 children knowing you cant drive? So it is all on him and now you have decided what job he has to have so as he os not doing it on your terms he is in the wrong?

And you gave up your career because you chose too

No I had my first and I could drive, and I’ve been under false promises the whole time. I gave up my career for him because I loved him and we knew we was going to start a family. When I gave up my
career, he wasn’t working in this job

OP posts:
SALaw · 10/01/2026 08:43

Why do you live rurally if it is difficult to get places without a car when you can’t drive? I would chose to live somewhere that suits my and my family’s current needs and it doesn’t sound like you do?

Original poster
Mummalovesya · 10/01/2026 08:42

bigboykitty · 10/01/2026 08:40

Have you seen his payslips? Engineers don't earn £30k and receive no pay rises. I don't believe he's working. He's just opted out of family life.

I have yes, which makes it more of a fucking piss take

OP posts:
PollyBell · 10/01/2026 08:41

But you had 3 children knowing you cant drive? So it is all on him and now you have decided what job he has to have so as he os not doing it on your terms he is in the wrong?

And you gave up your career because you chose too

Original poster
Mummalovesya · 10/01/2026 08:41

Exactly my point!!!!!!

I’ve said to him this whole time it’s not even worth missing out on your child’s childhood for. Far enough if it was a few more zeros but even still, nothing I was ever offered would make me work more then being st home.

Yes I am starting to think he just works now to get out of family life and he wants the best of both worlds.
I’ve told him today that he either gets his priorities straight or I am leaving and doing stuff for myself and the kids cos I’m sick of it and sick of all the false promises and getting my hopes up

OP posts:
bigboykitty · 10/01/2026 08:40

Have you seen his payslips? Engineers don't earn £30k and receive no pay rises. I don't believe he's working. He's just opted out of family life.

HelenaWaiting · 10/01/2026 08:40

Catza · 10/01/2026 07:35

I have so many questions...
Why live rurally of you don't have the means of getting around?
Did he ask you to give up your career or was it your decision?

He doesn't strike me as man who wants a family. How much was he involved in planning of it all. I personally would rather be at work 7 days a week than ferry children around or be at home where the atmosphere is rather frosty, I imagine. But that's me.
Obviously you can't unbirth your children so he'd have to lump it but I wouldn't expect him to be jumping up and down with joy if he had little say in your family planning. Just guessing...

Guessing wrongly, it turns out. Have you considered apologising to the OP?

LaurieFairyCake · 10/01/2026 08:37

Ffs, his actual hours of work take him to about £4 an HOUR. One THIRD of minimum wage.

Imagine missing out on life and your kids whole life for £4 an hour !!!!

thats fucking terrible

Comtesse · 10/01/2026 08:36

Mummalovesya · 10/01/2026 08:27

I can’t reply to you all individually anymore sorry there’s too much,

No 30k he’s been on this since he started which is another battle in itself because they keep promising pay rises and it’s just not coming but that’s another story. I know cos I’ve seen his wage slips, and we share location so I know he’s at work which is even more fucking ridiculous cos he’s working all hours around the clock for a measly 30k a year. he does other work on the side aswell so he’s a plane engineer but on top of that he works from his online business (refurbishing old boats/parts and re selling them)

He does get overtime yeah but I’m not sure how that’s all calculated I don’t even bother asking cos I don’t even care no more.

my kids are 3,8 and 12

He’s a moron to work hours like that for a £30k salary. I would assume he is working those hours just to avoid family obligations.

It’s time to completely lose your shit. Ignore his bullshit sulking, he takes this new job or else.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/01/2026 08:34

Mummalovesya · 10/01/2026 07:49

Not really , he fets paid well but wouldn’t say were well off, it’s about 30k a year which isn’t huge amount in retrospect.

honestly it’s so draining and not sure why he can’t understand

Show quote history

£30k per year is low for a full-time skilled job. It's barely above minimum wage. Are you sure that's all he earns? He can't really be working seven days a week as that would be illegal. If he is doing it to earn loads of overtime, none of that money is going into the family pot. I'd be very suspicious about what he is telling you about his work hours and salary. None of this seems to add up.

Original poster
Mummalovesya · 10/01/2026 08:27

I can’t reply to you all individually anymore sorry there’s too much,

No 30k he’s been on this since he started which is another battle in itself because they keep promising pay rises and it’s just not coming but that’s another story. I know cos I’ve seen his wage slips, and we share location so I know he’s at work which is even more fucking ridiculous cos he’s working all hours around the clock for a measly 30k a year. he does other work on the side aswell so he’s a plane engineer but on top of that he works from his online business (refurbishing old boats/parts and re selling them)

He does get overtime yeah but I’m not sure how that’s all calculated I don’t even bother asking cos I don’t even care no more.

my kids are 3,8 and 12

OP posts:
InterestedDad37 · 10/01/2026 08:02

(This is a criticism of him):
I have no idea why you'd have a partner and children if you have no interest in either, and show no willingness to change things so that they benefit everyone concerned. Not to sound too drastic, but I really think you should give him an ultimatum: family or work!

MNLurker1345 · 10/01/2026 08:00

You say he is well paid, on £30k per year, is that correct? That’s not well paid, amd working 7 days a week. That doesn’t sound right.

It is clear as PPs have said he is a workaholic.

CurlewKate · 10/01/2026 07:58

Mummalovesya · 10/01/2026 07:49

Not really , he fets paid well but wouldn’t say were well off, it’s about 30k a year which isn’t huge amount in retrospect.

honestly it’s so draining and not sure why he can’t understand

Show quote history

For the hours he works that’s not minimum wage! Does he get overtime? Bonuses? What sort of engineer is he?

Barney16 · 10/01/2026 07:57

Do you mean he earns 30k or £30k more than you? If it's the former, that's ridiculous given the hours he's doing. See what happens in the new job but at the moment you are enabling him not to join in, in the sense that you are picking up all the slack and so he does what he wants. But a partnership is about what both of you want. Fingers crossed he really likes the new job and things improve. Otherwise you will have to think about whether the situation is sustainable for you.

beAsensible1 · 10/01/2026 07:57

Mummalovesya · 10/01/2026 07:49

Not really , he fets paid well but wouldn’t say were well off, it’s about 30k a year which isn’t huge amount in retrospect.

honestly it’s so draining and not sure why he can’t understand

Show quote history

He’s doing all that for THIRTY GRAND?? Oh give over. You have to be joking, that’s ridiculous. It actually doesn’t make any sense.

thats extremely low for an engineer and not the sort of pay you ask your wife to quit her job for.

FrangipaniBlue · 10/01/2026 07:56

I was typing as the last couple of posts dropped in - I see you said he gets £30k as an engineer?

I’m suspicious about this, that’s graduate/entry level pay……. with experience a chartered engineer would be on upwards of £60k.

Are you sure he is working when he is out of the house?
Tge two things that spring to my mind were either:
a) gambling online hence locking himself away all the time claiming to be working, or
b) double life and a second family somewhere

Canonlythinkofthisone · 10/01/2026 07:56

Mummalovesya · 10/01/2026 07:49

Not really , he fets paid well but wouldn’t say were well off, it’s about 30k a year which isn’t huge amount in retrospect.

honestly it’s so draining and not sure why he can’t understand

Show quote history

30k? That must be a typo right

BCBird · 10/01/2026 07:56

No.amount of job is worth that amount of work. 30k a year. I would not for this for 300k. It sounds to me as if he prefers to be at work than being part of family life.

Clarabell77 · 10/01/2026 07:56

Mummalovesya · 10/01/2026 07:49

Not really , he fets paid well but wouldn’t say were well off, it’s about 30k a year which isn’t huge amount in retrospect.

honestly it’s so draining and not sure why he can’t understand

Show quote history

An experienced engineer who is on call around the clock isn’t on 30k a year. A graduate just qualified would normally be on this.

Tammygirl12 · 10/01/2026 07:56

First thing that hit me was move into town. The closest town.

You can’t live rurally if you don’t drive, that’s pure isolation. Enough to drive anyone mad

KimHwn · 10/01/2026 07:54

Bloody hell, I was thinking you were going to say at least three times that wage!
I'd really pressure a house move OP. Mainly for the kids' sake, but also for you- you're not allowed to drive, but you are allowed to have a life and not be dependent on him.

JustMyView13 · 10/01/2026 07:52

Mummalovesya · 10/01/2026 07:49

Not really , he fets paid well but wouldn’t say were well off, it’s about 30k a year which isn’t huge amount in retrospect.

honestly it’s so draining and not sure why he can’t understand

Show quote history

If he’s working as much as you say he is for £30k a year, he needs to put in a claim for overtime, and back pay, because his employer isn’t meeting their minimum wage obligations.I can tell you that for nothing.

He is in today’s world, in a low paid job. Particularly for those hours. It should be a fairly strict 9-5. I honestly thought you was going to say 6 figures.

Does it make him feel important? Always being available?

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