Sulking husband

Trainee aeronautical engineers still at Uni on degree apprenticeships get paid much more than £30k pa. Something isn't adding up here.

I'm another one who suspects that something else is going on. 30k for a job that means you need to go in to Head Office (who else was there? How many of the rest of the workforce attended Head Office on CHRISTMAS DAY??) over Christmas.

OP, I think you need to start sorting out what you would do if the shit really hit the fan. I suspect his real reason for not wanting to take the better job is that he would find his 'other lifestyle' much harder to sustain, because otherwise a job on the same money with less working hours would be a no brainer.

Look to yourself and your kids, and start shoring up your life.

He earns 30k because that's the hours he works.
The head office visit on Christmas day was to ow..
You are very naive if you don't agree op..
He has another life imo.

OP, whats his salary going to be at the new job? Something really isnt right here.

He doesn't want to be a father and he doesn't want to be a husband. He is actively choosing to spend as much time as possible away from you all. I'm so sorry but you don't actually have a marriage to even save? You had a wedding but what followed wasn't a marriage or even a relationship by the sounds of it?

You need to leave and actually live.

Come on OP, none of this males sense. You live "very rurally" due to his job, but can't drive so your kids miss out? I presume HE can drive? So move to town and he can drive to his oh so important engineer job that necessitates him going in on Christmas day.

He has totally checked out of your marriage and his children's lives. So do yourself a favour and separate, move to a town and let your kids have a life.

He chooses to work. He's not indispensable, no one is. You say he's on 30K? Bottom line he feels more important at work and let's face it, it actually easier to work than be involved with his children. He's opted out of family life and your marriage. I'd suggest you both need counselling to find out why he's making these choices.

His company are taking advantage of the situation. They know he's never going to leave. He's far too comfortable doing whatever he's doing and probably not doing as well.

Frankly, OP, I really don't see what you're getting out of this relationship. You're isolated and carrying the load and it's not fair on you.

So the 30k is from his employment? How much does his sideline business bring in - or is it more of a hobby?

As for you having to take your children to work at weekends because his tinkering with boats is more important than spending time with his children… words fail me.

You are a single mother in all but name, so you might as well make it official and move somewhere with good local transport options.

Whatever you do, do NOT give up your job.

Work out his hourly rate

It will be peanuts.

Ask him if that's worth losing his family over

You are completely completely reasonable here. He has been taking the piss for years. The world does not revolve around his crappy job. His behaviour would be out of order if he got paid 10 times his current salary - but for £30k a year no way, there is no need.

OP if you are working full time I assume you are pretty close to his wage too?

It’s very unusual for someone to love their job so much they want to be there 7 days a week. And prefer being at work than with their family, sulk at leaving for a dream job etc, especially when the pay isn’t that great…. Could there be someone at the workplace he doesn’t want to stop seeing everyday?

Does his salary get paid directly into a joint account or does it get paid into his sole account so that you can’t see how much he really gets paid? Like others, I’m suspicious that the £30k he’s told you he earns is not the true amount and that he’s squirrelling the rest away….or using to gamble with.

Is he a qualified engineer eg with an engineering degree or a technician (sometimes also called an engineer incorrectly)? £30k pa doesn't seem right. The average pay for an aircraft engineer in the UK is £42k -£58K depending on experience, and entry level salary is £35k-£38k.

My exh was avoidant also, on retrospectively a low wage. I would recommend seeing a life coach together, who will speak factually about your situation without emotion. They will draw out various timelines (now till eg 70) so he can pick the one he envisages. If it doesn’t suit you and the children, there’s your answer. X

So you haven't? Interesting. Because your post was pretty fucking rude.

Have you considered not getting offended on someone else's behalf?

So many parents think this way and it’s wrong. If you stay in marriages for the kids when the relationship is shit and there is tension in the home those kids will grow into adults who will say “I wish you left years ago.”

Children aren’t stupid and they can sense when you’re not happy from body language and the atmosphere in the house.

Do all of you a favour and make some changes asap.

I be concerned he lying to you that wage doesn’t sound right! And he needs to start helping with kids

So he earns 30k a year and is working 7 days a week and was answering the phone whilst the kids were opening Christmas presents? Either he’s lying to you about how much he actually makes or he’s working more than is asked of him.

First thing you need to do is move. Asap. It makes absolutely no sense for you to be living rurally when you can’t even drive. You’re making life so much harder for yourself unnecessarily. You’re cutting of the kids social life and your own and it’s not good.

If your husband doesn’t want to move or make changes in his life, leave him. There is so much more to life than living this miserably.

My DS is 2 years out of uni, on over £40k as an engineer in the north of England. At his next pay review in a few months he’s likely to hit almost £50k.

I couldn’t stay married to a man who is such an idiot that he works all hours God sends as an engineer, skilled work, for £30k. That is ridiculous. He is being exploited and that is having a huge impact on his family.

£30k is a really low wage, I’m so sad for you that it’s only bringing home that amount for all your troubles. I thought it would be 90 min

And if the dc never see him again you know with your whole heart rhat you tried for a long time and he couldn’t be bothered and just didn’t like any of you enough much less love you.

That is not anywhere near enough to justify his behaviour. Go up to him and say ‘dh, let me tell you something. You’ve always been a crap dad who avoided parenting and a terrible partner who never supported me. If you go back to your old job, I will divorce you, and tell everyone why. This is your year to earn your family back. I’ll be seeing a lawyer next week to plan in case you really just don’t deserve us. We won’t try and stay in the house, we will move somewhere actually nice to live instead of this annoying remote spot because i have prioritised you our whole life together until today where it ends. You will be an active dad this year.