Sulking husband

@Mummalovesya how are you since gaining all these opinions… any update for those of us who has invested?
hope you are well and empowered 💪🏽

I think you have to see that he loves his boss and his job more than you .

Whilst being a single parent is hard work because everything is down to you. It’s also the greatest because everything is down to you.

No more dealing with another person who you have to compromise your own wants and needs

30k and running around for the boss on CHRISTMAS FUCKING DAY.

Yeah he would have been looking for somewhere else to live at that point

You live rurally so that your husband gets to see his kids, but he doesn't because he is away at work or shut in his office all day.

And he gets paid £30k. My son is a trainee engineer and he gets more than that, he is 19 years old!

There is something very wrong here!

Why the hell are you putting up with being the absolute lowest of his priorities?

Obviously YANBU @Mummalovesya, but I think you need to take stock of your relationship. What is this man contributing to your family life except money? It may be he’s a workaholic and needs some help rewiring his brain to rid himself of that toxicity but he has to want to make that change. He’s aware of the impact on you and your kids, and clearly won’t be forced to change, so save your energy trying to convince him.

I’d plough that energy into imagining my life not married to someone who is married to work and who has such a limited understanding of what being a father and partner should be. You say you live rurally, and that must be very challenging with kids given you’re medically unable to drive. A move to a more populated area could help improve your quality of life and theirs. Get your ducks in a row, take those kids, and live a fuller, more enriching life by yourselves. He’s no bloody use to you anyway, and you never know, you might meet someone who is one day.

30k is an absolutely ridiculous salary for these hours. Laughable that he thinks his job is so important. I thought he was on £200k or something when I read the original post. If he can't attempt a reset with the new job and pull his weight with the kids you might need to accept that he will never change and consider your options.

This might come across a little blunt and I apologise, this behaviour indicates drugs, workaholic, affair or gambling. Something isn't adding up, 30k isn't a lot of money for the hours he's putting in, it doesn't make any sense why someone would dedicate this much of their life to that little cash.

I'd look at getting out of this situation or confronting him, change job, move into a less rural area and get your driving license.

At the very very least you need to move house somewhere more central.

And from bitter experience I can tell you that a father who obviously doesn't want to spend time with you has a corrosive effect on children's self esteem.

Your entire life revolves around this guys job and he earns less the UK average salary and based on his current hours below minimum.

time for you to stand the hell up. You either move or he changes job permanently. This is untenable.

I am fuming for you, working like a dog for a pittance and checking out of family life. Doing errands on Christmas like he’s a teenage intern. It’s embarrassing at this point, where’s his backbone.

He works 7 days a week?…are you sure he’s definitely working & not somewhere else?

yes some people are workaholics but this has my spidey senses tingling

This can’t be real.

At best: your husband is an utter mug who believes he is important and indispensable when in reality his company are rubbing their hands at voluntary modern day slavery. He has also checked out of family life and doesn’t like or miss you and the kids and has no intention of changing. He’s a loser and should give you the ick…
At worse: your husband is working part time, is not working at all, is working illegally, is inventing his work issues for nefarious reasons. Possibly for financial gain but as others have said, possibly as a cover for a second family or other double life. Women don’t have second families because they don’t have time!!! He’s a nasty/dangerous man who you should be getting away from quick time…
Common denominator: He’s a terrible husband/father/provider and he doesn’t much care about it! LTB

He's a people pleaser, but not to the people that matter the most - his family.

It does sound like he's using work as an excuse to drop all his personal obligations.

Something has to give. Options are:

1. You accept that this is your life and continue being a single married mother. He stays in the job. Nothing changes, you just accept it. Or
2. He changes his job and starts becoming an engaged partner and father.

I’m not sitting in an ivory tower. I’m talking from my own and other’s experience.

OP I mean this in a nice way but get some self respect and stop letting this man treat you and the children like crap. The ‘what and why’ is kind of irrelevant, it’s sort of the flip of the ‘he’s just not that in to you’, he got you to marry him and now he doesn’t feel he has to make any effort. If he remotely cared or loved you and your family he wouldn’t let work be a priority.

I know what it is like to be married to a (self employed) workaholic, he loves his job, works extra hard and does go above and beyond BUT it is never at the expense of me and the kids.

I think you need to decide if you want to remain an afterthought or whether you should get out and be happy without him.

Have you ever issued some sort of ultimatum?

It doesn't sound like your husband even wants to be part of the family.

You need to sit down with him and lay out his options. Is he in or out.

Easy to write hard to do with some men. They deceive before the kids, decide together to get married, have kids, share the load, joint account, both work and stay in a career, fast forwards after the kids come, they realise how much work it is and they start being more and more absent, work somehow becomes more demanding (either they find one or make up lies), woman stretches a bit more to cover, then decides it is too much, reduces hours, some who can leave their job, then it ends up being that the woman does it all, all the mental load on house running, school, activities, presents, birthdays, doctors, etc etc. and if they don’t things just not get done and the kids suffer. If you add the financial aspect, they are trapped. I know loads of women in this situation. Some are happy, love the housewife role, others not but hard to change. Again easy to say find a job, get financial independent etc etc but it is not possible for everyone.
but agree keep your full time job and be financial independent is the best advise here

He is an absolute idiot to miss on his kids growing up for such a little pay. Its not like he is doing it so they can go to private school and expensive uni, have their own houses when they are 18 or a nice saving account to help them on the way.

I have a feeling he doesnt like being at home/ being around you and the kids.

"Engineer" could also mean a maintenance job, for example someone who fixes electrical installations. I doubt he is an engineer who does design work (like MEP or Structural etc) - they usually have time off over Xmas period, with the office closed.

The amount of women who put up with this kind of s**t is unbelievable. Trouble is until you have a family you don’t see their true colours and then it’s like the frog in boiling water, only till it gets really bad do people realise. Shocking behaviour I’ve read about over and over again. Deciding to have a family, look out for any red flags, agree how you’ll parent, do they actually want children, or is it you, how you plan finances and what to spend them on, childcare, also keep your full-time job and make sure it’s well paid and save money for yourself.

😳 that’s not well paid, certainly not working 7 days a week. He clearly hates having a family… LTB and move somewhere more urban. I’m thinking he has a second family, no job needs you to work 7 days a week even at Christmas when you’re meant to be off. You’re either working or not.

Seriously... what errand could he possibly be running on Christmas day? Did he tell you what it was?

I’ve just re-read some of your earlier posts and I saw that you said he does get paid overtime. Do you see this money? Does this money go into a joint account? With the amount of overtime he works (if indeed he is actually working), he ought to be bringing in stacks of money, not just a couple of thousand a month.

So, either he gets overtime and is earning more than £30k or he’s earning £30k for doing all these extra hours and therefore isn’t even getting minimum wage…

Nobody in their right mind would do this (I say this as a company owner who doesn’t even work these hours myself!). If he’s an engineer he should also be on minimum £45k as well…

Man needs to grow some serious balls or something in all of this is BS somewhere. No way could I be married to a man without a backbone who worked that many hours for just £30k a year.

You need to sit him down and have a serious bloody talk about life balance and the fact that time and money isn’t just about him, it’s the direct impact it has on his family. If things don’t change then you need to make some changes!!!

Although, as others have said, some of this just cannot be true and I think you seriously need to consider how much you actually know!

Yep which is an entirely different and unrelated thing. If someone phones them whilst doing so you would reject the call if it’s for work, not leave and chat to your boss.