DP wants his best man to be a woman

I think you should be completely honest with DP about how you feel and he really should respect your wishes. I wouldn’t be happy either. From another perspective, it may be old fashioned, or even narcissistic, but the attention on the day should be on the couple (or the couple and their children) and this would place all the attention firmly on her, as it would be so novel. Do either you or DH to be want everyone to be focusing on her, rather than you?

My husband had a women as his best women at our wedding. Nothing weird about it at all and many years later he returned the favour at her wedding.

The posters encouraging you to control his friendships are likely to be just as insecure as you. The problem here is your insecurities, he's done nothing wrong.

Truthfully you need to work on yourself before you agree to marriage. If you don't have any trust in him then you should probably end the relationship because he will inevitably do something else you don't approve of down the line and you'll cause more arguments.

Was she the cause or was your jealousy of her being attractive the cause? Ultimately I think it his choice but it would be sad if that made you uncomfortable on your wedding day. From your opening post though it seems to be about your insecurities.

I wouldn’t like it either.

Of cours men and women can be friends. But the whole point of the wedding is that you're supposed to be his best female friend!

It's not inappropriate for him to have her as a friend, but it is inappropriate to celebrate that friendship so publicly on your wedding day.

Ps there's no rules for a wedding. He doesn't have to have a best man at all. They don't actually DO anything except maybe hand over the rings (anyone else can do that) and upset people with a drunken, unfunny speech (anyone else can do that)

It may not feel rational but you’re listening to your instincts and I’d do the same.

It feels like an odd choice - esp if he has male friends. It’s already a talking point to have a female in the role but if she’s stunning then it’s a real focus-puller and no bride wants that. It’s not petty. It’s just how you feel.

Can you have a calm discussion about it? Be honest that you’d prefer not to be competing for attention on this day.

If he doubles down on it, ask him if he’s already asked her…

It’s also clear OP that your H is a man who makes and enjoys friendships with women, more so than men. This makes him not a good match for your insecure personality. Every time he starts to make a new friendship, your insecurity will be reignited. What’s he meant to do? Never make a new friend?

He cannot read the room that it would upset you. Yes it smells off....

That shows insecurity. By all means say no to her being best man as long as your future dh can have a say on your bridesmaid. Its your problem not hers, get over it

Does this Potential ‘Best Man’, have a partner of her own?
would her partner also be at your wedding?
Is she rich?
Does your husband-to-be, know any of PBM’s family?

But her being his closest friend doesn’t mean he sees her in person loads. That’s not really a rule.

I think my DP sees his best mate once or twice a year in person. But they speak on the phone pretty regularly. I’ve met him once.

Their relationship makes you uncomfortable because she’s pretty. By your own admission they haven’t done anything untoward and they texted a lot when they were on the same course which is pretty normal. You’ve even seen their messages.

would you let him veto your maid of honour?

If he didn't like one of your bridesmaids or moh and vetoed her , what would you think ?
He's marrying you not her , if he feels she is his best friend then he should be able to have who he wants .
I can see him being put off from marrying you if you push this ( controlling ) attitude .
Good luck to him .

I was best man for my male best friend. We met on day one at university, did Masters together in the USA and were sharing a flat when he met his lovely wife. I had a boyfriend when they met (who I later married) so I guess she was never threatened by me. My boyfriend, later my husband, similarly was chilled about the friendship and we all spent a lot of time together over the years. We were firm friends right up until her death from cancer a couple of years ago. I loved her and miss her.

I dont think having a female best friend should be a problem but clearly you have a long lasting issue with their friendship. It’s a shame it wasn’t resolved before now. It seems like a shame to not embrace your partner’s best friend but maybe the issue is that he hasn’t seemed that close to her - but is that because of you or because he’s just not got many close friends? Either way I’d not want to be a block to my partner’s friendships or be perceived as that by them. It could be a cause of resentment.

This thread actually got me thinking about how a groom would feel if his bride were to announce that she wasn’t having her sister/cousin/ best friend from school etc as bridesmaids. In place of those she was considering asking her male ‘contacts’………the guy who sits near her at work, the chap who services her car, the bloke she lived next door to when growing up, the young man who serves her coffee at the takeaway cafe on the station. Imagine a group of males in matching attire attending to the bride pre/during/after the wedding…….how might that make a groom feel?

Perhaps the OP could ask her prospective groom and what do MN think of that proposal?

I think you should work on your own insecurities and jealousy before getting married.

It sounds like your insecurities were the cause of the arguments, not her. The world's full of beautiful women who your dp could meet and even like. Sounds like you don't trust him or this relationship so don't marry him and get some counselling

It doesn't seem like he has many friends or other options. If he is attracted to her he's not likely to ask her to support him on the day he's getting married to someone else, and likewise her for him.

Also, if she's stunningly beautiful it's even more impressive that he's choosing to marry you.

I reckon you should try and bond with her over coffee and go OTT on how much you value her support etc.

is that what happened? Or did you and your jealousy cause issues in the relationship?

She is his friend.

If you think his affections are more than that, then you shouldn’t be marrying.

If you think she is just a good friend then you should have no problem with her being a best man.

I have been to a wedding with a female best man and it was great.

🙄

It doesn’t matter what the relationship is between him and his friend. You don’t trust him. Don’t marry him.

Not to be too pedantic, but in the example you gave, your friend initially asked you out, so it wasn’t purely platonic from the start. Because of that, the conclusion about relationships with no entanglements doesn’t fully apply here.

I had to put my foot down over a M-F friendship in my relationship, posted on here and everyone was supportive of me doing so. In principle I’d not object but in this case you’ve already had issues with this woman so it’s a hard no.

I normally agree that any female friendship that makes you uncomfortable needs to be addressed and even ended if any reasonable line s are crossed, but to be fair to her (and him), it doesn't seem like either has done anything wrong.

She is being unfairly maligned because she is beautiful and you are insecure. Also, you mentioning her being cultured and well-read as further reason of making you uncomfortable means the insecurity runs pretty deep and she can't win as you see her as some sort of competition
This is all about your own insecurities which you obviously haven't fully dealt with.

Wedding/best man issue aside, imagine if a woman's partner was picking arguments with her because she was friends with a very attractive man and had done nothing wrong...people would say that's abusive.

Then there's the issue of the future. What are you going to do about her being in your lives for possibly many years to come and a husband you don't trust?

Bloody hell, would you really drop one of your friends so easily if the new bloke asked you to? I wouldn't. Men/women come and go but friendships stay forever.
I told my current man about my best friend (who is also a man) quite early into dating. I described our relationship, frequency and nature of our contact and said that he will be in my life forever. "With that information, are you comfortable proceeding with our relationship?"
The woman was not the "cause of argument". The cause of argument was OP who, presumably, just started dating her fiance at that point. Why should he stop being friends with anyone over this, I am not entirely sure.

👆This. I have many female friends who I have absolutely no intention of getting jiggy with, nor they with me. Anyone trying to police or restrict my friendships can go to hell!
I get why you're jealous OP, but either don't get married or learn to appreciate that he has friends who aren't men! Maybe you can meet her socially.
Also don't let your working class-ness (which you've mentioned as a factor in your insecurities) limit your perspectives.