DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

He intends to do his hobbies and pretty much nothing else. He has told her this. He's refused to work part time, refused to do school runs, treats his DC so badly that she's forced into paying for childcare or taking annual leave to look after them herself if ever they're off school. He's a waste of space.

He's an utter cunt, that's what the problem is!

I agree, and uttercunt would be a splendid username.

You don't get what the issue is because you haven't read the thread. The £900 bill was HIS share. The OP will be paying more not less, because he was actually paying £1000 as was she. So now she's going to be paying £1100 (which she can only do by cutting down her and DC quality of life. His quality of life will remain because he's going to be spending the entirety of his small pension on his hobbies) and she'll have to pay 100% of any unexpected bills that crop up. And she'll be doing all the childcare and school runs because he refuses to. He emotionally and verbally abuses his DC to force the OP into paying for childcare or taking annual leave, if they're off school, because she can see it's not safe to leave them with him. And you don't see what the problem is?! He's an utter cunt, that's what the problem is!

I suspect this is easily solved, OP. Explain that he will have to pick up the bulk of the childcare, housework and cooking once he's kicking his heels, and chances are you'll find after some sulking and snarking he changes his mind about the whole thing.

You, on the other hand, really do need to look at what you're being coerced into doing at the moment. He only has this potential pay-out because you had his back all these years. Hopefully you'll read and absorb what other women have said here, and insist on some changes to make your life easier, not just his.

I think the chances of him going back to work in a year are very low. His reluctance to take over the household chores and childcare would breed resentment in this marriage.

Who does he think will be responsible for the household bills when you retire OP? Was his plan to always stop contributing once the mortgage was cleared?

I think if he's going to be this petty, then he shouldn't pay off the mortgage. Instead, he could pay half off, then continue to pay half of the monthly bills, whilst you then pay off the remaining mortgage and bills, although, it's hard to know how fair/unfair all this is without knowing figures etc.

Like hell should you be paying for childcare and taking annual leave for school holidays when you're DH is retired. No way. This man may have had a tough job, but that doesn't mean he gets to check out of his family and home responsibilities. He sounds like a total selfish jerk.

I'd be furious.

Oh I misunderstood and thought op meant he'd be free to do those things now, I.e. childcare, housework etc . I mean he needs to do SOMETHING, he can't just sit around.

You don't say how much remains on the mortgage but it will be paid off so at least that's off your shoulders. I think you said you are working a 40 hour week so my feeling is that your husband should take over some of the domestic jobs, eg shopping, tidying, vacuuming, etc. Otherwise I think you may become resentful. If I were in the same situation, I would hope my husband would pick up some of the household duties so that my own life could be a bit more relaxing. I think most women do this anyway if they are the ones to retire early.

Also, as has been mentioned, your husband is several years older than you but at 55 is still quite young to retire, however demanding his job might have been. Also some men who have had demanding/responsible jobs don't seem to cope that well when they completely stop work. I am aware of several cases where some men become depressed, apathetic and rudderless without the work structure.

It's difficult to gauge if the planned financial arrangements will be fair and workable without knowing all your incomes and outgoings. However, I am not sure it is necessary for everything to be exactly equal - shouldn't it be more about the spirit of the arrangements - that you both want to contribute fairly but if one person is finding it to not meet their reasonable needs then matters can be adjusted?

I was going to say I think it’s fine but him not doing the school runs or holiday childcare isn’t ok. Wtf!

I have no doubt he has earned a break, but when not in a financially secure position even to afford nice ‘basics’ 55 is too young to be retiring.

potentially he had another 30 years of living to do and cost of living isn’t going to reduce.

he certainly isnt going to want to work when he is 70. Best he looks for a change in career direction for now.

What do you mean he won’t do school runs? He will have to now.

You wouldn’t use annual leave on childcare if he’s at home?!

But you have both worked and you have done the lions share of childcare. My exh retired 7 years before I could as I am a WASPI and so had to continue working. It was the end if our marriage. I worked ft paid my share of the household bills and he did f@£&all. He went off at weekends (F1, motorsport, football, cycling, etc etc) whilst I continued to run the house and work ft. I stopped doing his washing, cooking for him and generally doing anything for him because he didnt as much as push the vacuum around the house during the day. I began to resent him hence the stopping of washing etc having asked him to do a bit around the house and him replying "Im retired". After 4 years I petitioned for divorce as had enough. I didnt know where I'd go or if I could afford a home etc but could not stand to be with him any longer. Kids left home so I followed not long after. No way would I accept him not helping with young kids if he's at home all day. Claiming he can't stand it and it makes him moody. I think this will be the end if your marriage and my kids were at senior school and college when my exh retired. You have a long way to ho and no way will he find a job aftet 12 months off. Sorry tried that, it didnt work 😔

"I do feel jealous he will be having a relaxing life while I ferry kids to school and weekend clubs as well as work using annual leave for childcare or what will now be MY OWN money for school holiday childcare. Kids are primary school age."

This is the crux of it @Luannaa. If he's not working then he's either contributing to childcare or paying 50% of it. There is no way you should be using annual leave for childcare. This the the key thing. He's paying off the mortgage but in no way wants to make your life easier now he has the time to do so.

I don't give a shit if he finds kiddie drop off stressful/annoying/dull, if he enjoyed getting his end away to create a baby, then he can fucking well get on board with the crappy bits of parenting. He's either back to work or he's a SAHP who fucking parents. I have zero time for fuckwits in my life, or my bed. I just couldn't even touch someone who's so incompetent at life stuff - ick! What a turn off!

He wants to be a househuband ergo not going back to work after 1yr backed up by his at least 1yr off comment

He can't spend more than 4hrs with his kids, wont do school runs, wont clean the bathroom....

Yes, but that’s not the situation OP and her husband are in so not really relevant.

There are three of them. Ive read them. Dh paid mortgage which was 900 a month. They each contributed 1k a month. This means op needs to pay 1100 a month now, 100 extra. What am I missing?

This thread is infuriating, people need to learn to use the filter feature and READ ALL THE OPS POSTS FFS!

I’m the high earner in my household and pay considerably more than 20% of the household costs.

If my DH decided he wanted to stop working and stay at home you’re damn right he’d be doing the lions share of the household chores.

(and in fact he did when he couldn’t go to work during lockdown and I still worked).

Years ago some men & women could retire at 55 or even 50 and have enough pension to last the rest of their lives, that's when normal retirement ages were 65 for men and 60 for women.

I think plenty of work and contribute now. For what it's worth my partner and I never had kids and we both work full time and share costs.

The crucial points is that this man chose to have kids a bit later in life and still has kids in primary school to be responsible for except he's passed that entire financial responsibility along with every other financial responsibility onto the OP, as some who was made redundant in recent years, I strongly advise couples to be in a position where they both work! If anything happens regarding the OPs job and income, they will be screwed. And I know what the jobs market is like these days and it's not kind to people over 50 and that will be even less of the case if he sits around having a year off. He doesn't want to assume he can just walk into a job whejnge decides.pnr especially as he clearly won't want to go back to what he's retired from and people don't like taking people on who aren't skilled and experienced in a role.

He's too precious to clean toilets and too much of a shit dad to care for his own children. Did you miss that bit?

I’d be saying sure take early retirement but these are annual expenses as they stand (including holiday and luxuries) and he has to contribute half; and also he has to do holiday childcare

Try reading the OP's posts.

Are you the DH?

If he doesn't want to look after the kids while you're at work then he can pay for the childcare. It's ridiculous to expect you to pay for it while he's at home.

You sound jealous tbh. Fair enough.
But realistically he's 7 years older than you and at Ur age he WAS slogging it out to get to the point he's at today. He didn't get to retire at 48.
Anyway that's all I see in the posts.
Id tread carefully if I was you and let him rest without getting an earful of resentment from u. Nothing financially has changed for you so just be nice to him and happy for him. That will be best for you both in long run.