DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

Oh stop it. Your language - which I referenced - evidences your misogyny. So no lack of argument. As for 'diminishing someone with a different voice from yours' that's what your posts have been doing. The outraged tone and pompous metaphors don't impress us. It's not slander if it's true! 😃

One point of agreement we have 😮 is that counselling is helpful. Perhaps OP and her husband should go for counselling to establish their respective ideas of what is fair and how to move forward.

Spot on.

There’s also too much missing info. I’m not a pensions expert but I don’t understand how his lump sum can be enough to pay off a mortgage which is currently costing £900 per month to service, but his pension income would be pin money. Doesn’t matter anyway, it’s poor planning and monumentally selfish.

It sounds like the decision to retire early hasn’t been well thought out, beyond retiring from his current role. The income needed at different phases of life needs to be explored to determine what income is needed now to deliver this.

Whilst no job is stress free, being a postman or stacking shelves in a supermarket is different to being a first responder. If a high stress role gets to much, taking retirement as soon as it’s an option might be wise, but that doesn’t mean retirement from all work is an option. Paying a mortgage off is great, but no mortgage does not mean there is sufficient money to have quality of life for 30 more years.

OP, I suggest you and your DH look beyond the benefit of having £900 extra per month (and less debt), to look at the monthly income needed throughout different phases of your lives.

Secondary school will likely be cheaper than primary (no after school club costs) but what about the uni phase - if your children end up going. What income will you need prior to state pension age and what level of income will you need after that. Life tends to be cheaper in your 80s than in your 70s, but heating a home is expensive. Is the plan to sell your house and buy a flat? Do you have hopes of having grandchildren to stay, and therefore want to stay in your house?

Hopefully, you and your DH have thought this through, but if not, I think this needs doing.

With a seven year age gap, presumably this would always happen at some point and he has worked more years than you.

I think it’s pretty fair to be honest as it is not putting you out financially.

Tell him, that as a military vet of 2 wars, and military retiree myself, that seeing a counselor is amazing. You get to dump all of your garbage onto someone else, and they get paid for it!!! It will help.

He will have had counselling made availabile to him after every major incident he's ever attended. It will have been made mandatory if anyone was worried about his mental health.

I salute your service for our? country, but frankly your attitude on this thread stinks. You come onto a female biased forum and when we politely discuss your views you start chucking misogynistic terms about oestrogen levels and lack of thinking ability around.

Just listen to yourself, you are not, on this thread, presenting a great picture of ex soldiers' attitudes to women.

Tell him, that as a military vet of 2 wars, and military retiree myself,

And there it is. ‘Woman know your place’.

What are the chances of him being able to walk into another job that commands a salary that means he can continue contributing £1000 to the joint household pot?

That's far less than full time minimum wage take home pay, so excellent chance.

Perfectly capable of thinking thanks - and critically at that. Maybe you should dial down the emotion for long enough to get off your testosterone fuelled high horse and do the same thing, because your grasp of the reality of the situation is tenuous to say the least, with just a touch of fantasy creeping in.

Wait hang on you'd have to take annual leave for childcare? Why if he's at home?

Nah fuck that. You've got yourself another child there. Let him pay off the house the divorce the fucker... ;-)

There it is. I'm a mysogynist. The go-to term for someone without an argument.

That doesn't work for me. You don't get to accuse and name-call someone and not face an appropriate response.

You argue like a child. You give bad advice like someone who ate the 4th wave cookie and went back for seconds. Stop the slander and focus on the OP and her situation and stop diminishing someone with a different voice than yours.

OP, talk with your husband. Insist that he seeks counseling. Not that's he's broken, but his patterns show a change that truly affects all of you. Those changes don't seem to be a viable long term, or even a short term solution. If you love him, and he's a good man, then be compassionate and understanding, even if he resists. This could take some time for him to come around

Tell him, that as a military vet of 2 wars, and military retiree myself, that seeing a counselor is amazing. You get to dump all of your garbage onto someone else, and they get paid for it!!! It will help.

I understand the feelings of being jealous of the lie ins and bike rides and feeling like it's 'not fair' - but expecting someone else to be stressed and tired just because you are isn't very loving.

That said, I would expect my dh to pick up pretty much all of the life/house stuff, and for us to formally review the family financial and work/life balance situation every year.

He isn't paying off the mortgage with 'his' money though. It's money from his retirement pot, which presumably you would have shared in retirement. An alternative would be to not pay it off, and for him to find alternative work. What are the chances of him being able to walk into another job that commands a salary that means he can continue contributing £1000 to the joint household pot?

I think this poster would do better on X.

Stop emoting and start thinking.
I'm trying to slow down the army of pitchfork wielding hate factories
the din of estrogen-laden bad advice

sounds like the sort of thing Andrew Tate says. We see you.

Agree, if it was a SAHM the replies would be different, but it's a man so the bashing continues.

If he's at home OP, he has to do the SAH duties, not liking them isn't a reason.

Most people don't like house jobs but needs to be done.

This may very well be the case but his aversion to his own children is not the result of seeing horrible shit over the course of his career. He has the benefit of his wife working FT all their lives together, paying half the bills and doing most of the domestic chores whilst he's also worked FT, pushed the hoover round and done some cooking. (It also sounds like she earns less than him but still contributes 50% financially and 90% of the domestic chores). That arrangement isn't trauma driven. It's driven by innate misogyny. And him telling her that this is how it's going to be or I'll spend my lump sum on golfing or holidays is a form of threat to get her to acquiesce to his plan. He's just not that great a partner or father and that's who he is, traumatised or not.

Do you know what? We can tell you are a man just because of the way you are talking to at us.

Stop emoting and start thinking.

I'm trying to slow down the army of pitchfork wielding hate factories

the din of estrogen-laden bad advice

You, sir, are a patronising misogynist.

Spot on. From what OP has said, this reads more like him seeing the retirement package as a means to get what he wants, without thinking it through properly. He will be reducing their immediate and future circumstances and leaving them woefully unprepared for older age, and he simply hasn’t given a thought to the needs of their children. It will all be on OP to provide.

I’m at a loss to understand why posters would think that simply paying off the mortgage on their home would be such a great deal for OP, when she would be left with the sole responsibility of ensuring they could afford to keep living in it.

All mothers and fathers have a responsibility to look after children they have brought into the world. OP’s husband wants to check out for a year (if not more). At least up till
now he has contributed financially. He now only wants to think about himself.

I’d say the same to a man or woman.

I haven’t read all the comments but the ones I have don’t seem to be bashing the man. The votes are strongly in his favour.
Personally I think they need to look at this with a financial advisor - maybe there is a better way of doing things eg pay most of the mortgage off but have some left to go towards bills and a tiny mortgage? I’m sure the plan will be the best but what doesn’t sit right with me is that the OP is going to be entirely responsible for bills whereas both used to jointly be responsible for them. Their quality of life will take a drop because he can’t / won’t contribute towards the bills. Yes he may be paying off the mortgage but it may well be their original plan benefitted both if they both worked to normal retirement age and shared the bills and whilst I don’t see an issue with DH retiring and it sounds like it is supported fully by OP, I think a bigger conversation needs to be had because at the moment it seems like the DH will be able to enjoy his hobbies and have a nice relaxing life whilst OP continues working (and has probably equally worked as hard as DH has throughout the years) and her quality of life and the children’s will suffer eg no holidays, and she will still be picking up school run and other elements of keeping the home together.

It just doesn’t seem very fair to me! A better balance is needed otherwise this will cause resentment and could have a significant impact on the marriage / family life!

Yeah, it's not 'because you're a man', it's because of your misogynistic attitude and language. 'Estrogen laden' indeed. You're not bringing some kind of rational approach here so stop deluding yourself.

while you have young kids, there’s no such thing as ‘retired’ just working parent or stay at home parent.
I think this is really important - your dh is acting like his only part in this drama was the £1000 per month he paid into the pot. That's not the end of it. He does not get to ride off into the sunset to play at his hobbies. He has young kids, it doesn't matter if he's 55 or 65 - he had kids late in life and now he has to bloody well man up and parent those kids.

I think the majority of parent would like to help their kids get off to a good start in life - find ways to financially support them through uni and buying their first property. There's not many who think whilst their kids are at primary school - job done, I'm off to fish for a few years, to hell with supporting them, it's all about me.
And if he needs a few months off - why didn't he take leave? I think he is being completely irresponsible. His decision will impact the whole family.

In no way could I describe what he is doing to his wife and children "surface level details".

I have three good friends who were police officers who retired at 55 and another who is married to a serving officer who is about to retire. If he is as bad as you suggest he would almost certainly have been spotted by the team around him. Everyone in the police knows someone who has retired early on the grounds of ill health with a better pension than just retiring at 30 years service, and that's the direction I would have expected this to go.

I think you'll find that even on this female biased forum there would be plenty of us saying to a woman "you plan to do what to your children? ".

This.👏👏👏

You say he can’t cope with the kids, but that was while he had a stressful job. Now he’s retired/SAHP he needs to take on the childcare as they’re his kids as well.

edited to add that while you have young kids, there’s no such thing as ‘retired’ just working parent or stay at home parent.

Nobody is bashing him. We just see this for what it actually is. A man looking after his own interests at the expense of the woman in his life. Happens all the time. Women have mental health problems too - l haven’t seen many proposing to give up work to sort them out, while pushing the entire financial and mental load onto their partners and having no regard for the children involved. Which is what is happening here.

Why hasn’t he sought mental health advice before now instead of waiting until he can no longer face the stress of his job ? Hey hasn’t he changed jobs ? Where is the responsibility we all have for our own mental wellbeing?

You’re a man on a womens’ forum, suggesting that women should take on the responsibility of mens’ mental health to the point where they are forced to accept a unilateral decision resulting in a sea change in their circumstances, and you expect that forum to support you ?