DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

Nope😂 53 year old female with sore knees and tired from work.

The decrease in income absolutely does mean they can’t afford to live there without OP shouldering the entire burden of ongoing expenses. DH isn’t modifying anything - it’s all on OP. She continues to work a 40 hour week, now with the added knowledge that if anything happens - illness, loss of her job - they will all be stuffed. There is no back up plan for emergencies or unforeseen expenditure.

You’re right that he’s thought of the future - his future. The reality is that he will be reducing their circumstances both now and when they reach retirement age by using up the bulk of his pension pot now, when it’s unnecessary and unwarranted. Age 55 with children in primary school is no time to be reducing your circumstances in this way - a responsible plan would be to secure alternative, less stressful employment before he takes the retirement package so that he can continue to support his family.

Your pompous, patronising and frankly ridiculous attempts to intellectualise the issues don’t change the reality, which is that the family simply can’t afford for him to follow this plan through. If you got down off your high horse and stopped assuming that your intelligence is superior to that of other contributors here, you might find that people respond to you better.

Anyone who was actually in the armed forces would know the police are a civilian not a military force.

So I’d take his tales of service with a packet of salt.

I stand by my comments. Women's issues are men's issues. Men's issues are women's issues. Hell, this whole thread is about a women's AND a man's issues. To exclude one is like excluding one half of your heart or one side of your mind. It makes no sense.

Mumsnet is as much a safe space for women as it is a toxic environment. I can say exactly the same thing for any male-based websites. There is no shortage of articles and writings that call out masculine BS where the primary audience are men. From the lude behaviour towards women to their disrespect for equality. Yes, those type of men are truly the minority, but they take up a majority of the airtime.

No, I am not a detriment to this thread or Mumsnet. What I am is a differing opinion that falls outside of the female mind think.

Amd to be clear, I stand by every word I used before, because they are accurate and factual. Give the OP solid advice to help her with her husband and family. Kicking him to the curb, divorce? All words used by women. The only person that I can see in these 33 pages that has mentioned mental health and consider it an important factor to consider, was me. How does that sit with you?

Police in the UK aren’t in the armed forces. Most don’t even carry guns (thankfully).

Your presence as a man on Mumsnet is relevant not least because the site is predominantly female and in the main, concerns issues relevant to women. So in many ways it’s a safe space for women - many of whom are vulnerable and in DV situations - to get support and advice from other females. Many men do post here and are welcome, because in the main they are respectful and mindful that they are in a mainly female environment.

You however, have been combative and dismissive from the start. The end of your first post asserted that Men deserve better and it looks like this forum won't be the source of that.. Why would it be ? Women are not responsible for the mental health of adult men, any more than the reverse is true.

You then progressed to misogynistic language such as ‘The army of pitchfork wielding hate factories, and ‘the din of oestrogen laden bad advice’, telling us to stop emoting and start thinking, moving on to setting yourself up as the only source of logical debate here. And you really don’t see that you’re a misogynist ? Really ??

And all because we women dared to point out that the only person to benefit from this arrangement would be a man, at the expense of a woman. Of course his mental health plays a part. He’s clearly burnt out and needs to change jobs to remove the source of the stress. He can do that by sourcing alternative, less stressful employment before he takes the retirement package, so that he can contribute properly to their reduced outgoings. The plan is a bad one. If he can’t afford to do what he wants without placing all of the remaining burden on OP then he can’t afford to do it and they should both explore more sensible alternatives. That’s my Oestrogen Laden take on it, which l imagine you’ll now dismiss as emotive and lacking in critical thinking.

@Mandemikc Can I ask why you care why I'm on Mumsnet?

Because I object to you labelling me emotional, illogical and driven by hormones because I'm female.

Trust me, none of that applies to me.

And you writing it is offensive, and I begin to suspect you quite enjoy offending a group of women who support women.

You make some good points about his need for support, but in making them you fail absolutely to acknowledge the harm he is doing to his family. Threads are about the OP who asked for advice. You seem to miss that point entirely.

To your first point, that's not true though is it? The decrees in income doesn't mean they can't live there. It might just mean that they have to modify their current lifestyle to match their incomings and outgoings. A reduction in incomings does not equal a loss of everything.

And there is nothing that says he hasn't thought of their future. If anything, that's exactly what he has done.

This story has come to us in the middle of a great transition for everyone. The two primary factors that I see are the change in lifestyle due to the decreased income and individual family and parental responsibilities. Both are separate issues but inevitably intertwined.

They should consider his possible mental health, which should take front stage, if only to determine if he's unwell or just deciding to give up on everything.

Humans are complicated. Put a few in a box together and those complications multiply. It isn't a simple thing to live with another human. And it isn't good advice to ignore all of these complications and tell the OP simple answers that don't address the real issues.

I have also changed my mind OP, I thought it was fair to take a years sabbatical in exchange for paying off the mortgage, but if he refuses to do any childcare and you have to do it all whilst also working full time, I'm sorry but fuck that. Doing a bit of extra hoovering and cleaning is a piece of piss, childcare is actually where the hard work is, fuck that if you still have to do it all! What benefit is any of this to you?!

No extra time off and you literally have to use annual leave for childcare?! And also less money for treats or going away?! No sorry he can get fucked then! Selfish twat.

I like your post. It's well thought and has real experience and wisdom behind it.

We can't see our own experiences as the yard stick for others. I've dealt with issues that were shared by others and we all came out of them differently.

To respond to your other points I'll be simple in my response and thoughts.

If he refuses counseling after a real effort from the OP, then I agree he needs to sort himself out. If he does go to counseling and decides to not take a more proactive role in the child rearing and household chores, then the OP has some hard decisions to consider for the sake of herself and their children.

Exhaust all efforts to troubleshoot and repair what the OP has before she takes the advice of this thread's comments and discard him as horrible and useless.

But the plan is financially flawed. He’s proposing to put himself and his children into a position where they can’t afford to live in their home. His plan doesn’t make proper provision for his financial independence in his own retirement and significantly impacts on the family lifestyle. People are saying she should consider the age difference, but he also should have considered that when he decided to have children who would still be dependent when he’s in his mid fifties. They are married, and should be a team.

There’s no logic behind your sentimental whining Magic Mike. You’re not even very good at maths - paying off a mortgage with some pension is a dumbass financial move.

If he has some PTSD then take a year to get it treated. In which time it will be therapeutic to take over the running of the home: shopping, cooking, childcare, cleaning etc.

He’s not saying that though, he’s saying he doesn’t fancy working anymore and he’s not bright enough to have twigged he can’t afford to retire and neither have you.

My SIL was in the armed forces and she’s never made a fraction of a fuss about it.

For certain threads, such as this one, I feel it necessary to bring a logical voice.

Why do you believe your voice to be more logical than a woman’s? Hate to break it to you but, whilst we may be “oestrogen-laden”, you are “testosterone-laden” so just as impacted by emotions as any woman.

@Mandemikc

My DH was in the police and it did awful things to his mental health. I supported him to get out of it before it broke him completely.

I also had a job that destroyed my mental health and he supported me to get out.

We have taken the financial hit of pay cuts because our family and relationship is more important than money could ever be. However, neither of us expected to do nothing after leaving. We both took different jobs to continue contributing. We have always shared the parental load so no expectation that one of us can sit on our arse whilst the other one breaks their back to do it all.

I would say it would be perfectly fine for him to have time off if he was going to pick up the slack at home but it sounds like he is not able to care for his children appropriately. If he doesn’t bring money towards the bills and he doesn’t provide care for their young children, what exactly does he bring? Paying off the mortgage is major but the other bills are ongoing forever. Is the OP beholden to him forever?

In what world isn’t it putting OP out financially ? He’s paying off the mortgage which represents half their outgoings. He’s also reducing their income by half, leaving OP with all the ongoing responsibility for ensuring they can actually continue to live in the house he’s so magnanimously paid off.

Can I ask why you care why I'm on Mumsnet?

Many of the posts on Mumsnet concern men. However beneficial Mumsnet might be it has a rampant anti-male bias. This isolated environment of female-driven narratives can and does often turn into a man-bashing feeding frenzy. For certain threads, such as this one, I feel it necessary to bring a logical voice. And as this thread has become, at no point that I've seen, has there been a true discussion or concern for the husband's mental health.

And no, it was other posters who "discovered" that I was a man and thought I was a mysogynist. At no point was I derogatory or disrespectful to anyone before the discovery. My sex became an issue only when they found out I was a man and they disagreed with me. The man-bashing began then. As is your subtle hint at my supposed anti-female agenda.

I am a 52 year old military retiree with 5 children and a beautiful partner. I despise drama. But, I despise someone being hung out for the vultures who give horrible advice even more.

Oh l think we all know who’s embarrassing themselves here. I absolutely don’t think all men are evil, far from it. But l know a misogynist when l see one.

Exactly this. Clearly got side tracked on his way to Andrew Tate territory.

It’s not because you’re a man, it’s because of your attitude and the language you’ve employed in your posts.

Stop emoting and start thinking.
I'm trying to slow down the army of pitchfork wielding hate factories
the din of estrogen-laden bad advice

Pseudo psycho-babble, insulting terminology and barely disguised misogyny. You’re not talking to women here, you’re talking at them.

And if you read back through your own posts it should be as evident to you as it is to everyone else that you are of the opinion that OP is selfish for not immediately capitulating and agreeing to this badly thought out plan, even though deep down she knows it’s not in the best interests of her and her children. Only that of her DH.

Can I ask why you are on MUMSnet?

I'm picking up strong vibes that you joined it to bait women.

I’m no doubt going to just repeat what others have said as I’ve only read the OP’s posts but this man sounds like a twat! I couldn’t imagine my DH letting me work myself to the bone, pay all the bills, do all the childcare and hold all of the burden of family life. Paying off the mortgage doesn’t remove the burden of having young children and a family.

I think the agreement needs to be that's it's a 12 month arrangement and he takes on jobs to offset the balance. He does school runs. he doesn't need to enjoy them but it's unfair he's lying in bed whilst you're getting kids up, fed, dressed, to school to then go to work to come out and do it all in reverse. He pick up the low level stuff - chucks a wash in before he goes cycling, washes up the pots before he does school run. he doesn't need to be scrubbing floors 9-4 but he does need to lessen your load

That's true.

And I've since clocked that he wants to retire and not pick up things like school run and childcare in the school holidays, so basically the OP needs to fire him into the sun.

Oh please read the thread! It certainly is putting her out financially.

And there it is, emotions over logic. At no point did your response opinion exist in the real world. You got it so wrong it's frankly embarrassing to see.

If he was a police officer then he was in the armed services, as I was. We see similar things, we deal with similar fallouts, both externally and internally. I wanted the OP, and her husband especially, to know that there are those like him that have found answers outside of their own thoughts.

You desperately need to rethink your simulated world where men are evil.