DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

i Think some time off is fine but

• perhaps 6 months to just enjoy it then start looking for work as it can take a while especially if changing roles
• he needs to ease your burden by doing as much with the house and kids as possible

slightly similar situation here as Dh is 60 and burnt out as a social worker. He’s been out of work for months and struggling to find something satisfying that doesn’t involve stress.

How long have you been living together / married? Asking just in case it’s short.

Can you as a couple (household) afford for one person not to work again, and you to retire in your 50s too? In the medium term. You describe your pension as ‘shit’ - does his cover both of you?

If you can’t afford it, which seems probable, then a year off paid work won’t help DH get something new. A few months would be better.

The people have stressful jobs in one way or the other and we have to just crack on. If this job is burning him out, isn’t it possible for him to look for something which is less stressful? Should he decide to take this early retirement to pay the mortgage will he then take over all of the physical and mental load for running the house and looking after the children?
If his decision impacts your lifestyle and will make your life more complicated and I’m really sorry but I think he’s been incredibly selfish. He isn’t a single man he’s half of a marriage and as such he needs to think about everybody and everything.

It just sounds like you’re jealous that he’s retiring and you’re not. I would feel the same. 🤣

Agree. He’s never going to get the taste for working back, and job hunting when you’re over 55 is hard even for those who are actually motivated

He won’t work again, I can pretty much guarantee that.

So, can you live on this money until you are 55 then both be retired equally on what you jointly have?

If not, I think he is unreasonable. At the very least I think he should be working in a part time low stress job for this “year”.

Or she could wait for him to pay off the mortgage and then divorce him and if it was £100k he put in she would benefit by at least £50k of that payment.

If he was going to pay into the account the extra 100 per month and in agreement of paying 50% of things like holidays, birthday and Christmas presents and pull his weight with regard children’s after school activities etc then he can take the year off

In this year off, does he think that the world will stop. He doesn’t have to lift a finger and if he doesn’t like to do something he just doesn’t do it.

Honestly I can’t see him getting a job after this year. Let alone after 8 years.
At 56 he will very much struggle. At 64 he is relying on being fit and able enough to do a job and the potential employer not going through an agency because paying an agency for someone who would be only in the job 3-4 years before they have to pay again doesn’t make financial sense

Although the pension age is 67, This 8 years off would have him looking for work at 63-64 years old. Do you honestly believe that he is going to walk into a job at that age

Would his small pension be able to cover his half of the costs of living which will have risen significantly in 8 years time, especially given he can’t afford the £100 per month now. Let alone the £550 he should be paying

He will have another 4 years 48 months before his state pension kicks in.

His basic maths is wrong. If the mortgage is £900 and he was contributing £1000. Why isn’t he paying the extra £100

If he is a house husband who does nothing apart from giving you extra work to do to look after him and you still have to run around after dc and struggle paying all the bills and every eventuality, then what is he bringing to the table. What positives does he do that adds to your life.

I think his idea is fine.
I think what you have to establish is what role he will take on at home if you are doing everything for the DC and working full time.
He could take over the morning school run and then contribute an hour of housework a day?
That would take some of the stress from you but also allow him plenty of time to do his hobbies etc.
If you were at home and him working it would not be a holiday every day for you as you would be expected to do the school runs, cleaning, cooking and childcare in tge school holidays .

He is paying off his entire half of the year, so yes he can afford it. Otherwise he would have to work all year to do that.

I think for a year it's fine, especially because I know my own husband would afford me the same privilege if I wanted it. Sounds like he worked really hard and has considered you all by making sure the mortgage is paid off before he does this and recognizes that it wouldn't be fair to do forever by putting a time limit on it.

I expect he wanted to leave his stressful job for ages and has found the most viable time to do it after paying off the mortgage. He probably realizes this is the only break he will get until actual retirement and is using this time after quitting his unhappy job to take that opportunity to rest, recover and focus on himself after many years of self sacrifice.

Does he have any plans of what he will re-enter into?

I would only be annoyed if in a few years I proposed the same thing for myself and he had a problem with it.

The hypocrisy on here is mind-blowing.

This is simply pure envy and pettiness as another poster stated and I would bet anything that if the situation was reversed, OP would be encouraged to enjoy her time off, especially as she would have contributed significantly by paying off the mortgage.

Rather than being misogynistic, it's quite clear that many posters here think that a woman is the only one in a partnership who is allowed to work part-time or not at all if she fancies and a man must always be the provider. Where all the concerns about the husband potentially losing his job or getting sick and having to give up work or the wife enjoying 'vegetating' too much when a woman talks about not working?

Absolutely!

what people are failing to recognise is that working life involves a degree of discipline and structure. With that gone and a year of doing bugger all stretching out ahead of him, the risk is that the DH will enjoy the vegetation a bit too much!

he would be far better taking a few weeks to find a lower stress job at reduced hours and test the market as to how easy or difficult it is to move his career. He may well find he will struggle to find anything. Consider that in a year's time ... it will be even harder ....

also if he is planning to look for new work after a year, he would need to start looking after 6-8 months of being off work, to allow response times, interviews etc, otherwise if he doesn't start looking for a full year, he could be looking at an 18 - 24 month "career break". aged 57 .... Doesn't sound like he has factor this into his "plan".

Similar position. I have another 20 years of work ahead of me and the only upside is having paid off the mortgage I will have money left over for the first time since getting married that I can finally save.

I am not happy about having to work but I have had perhaps more time to deal with my I feelings (it’s been a 3 year plan)

Our agreement now is he does all the laundry and cleaning in the house. We both cook although he is doing more now. I do the morning school run and he does the evening one.

It frees me up some time but you have to reconcile your feelings about still working against him not. It took me an about a year and a half to make it not turn bitter inside.

This. Utterly selfish. Some of the responses here are deeply misogynistic.

If he is paying the mortgage off, like as already been said, this equates to.more than a yearly contribution of 12k. It is not as if he is therefore not paying his way.
The issue i would have is him.making a decision without any discussion. He is not a single man. , In his head he probably thinks he has done more than his ' bit' and contributed so what's the issue?
If he is not working outside the home he has to.pick up the slack for the other things. You say that you.like being at home with the children after school- it's not unreasonable for him to have his turn too.

Before this all happens you.need to discuss what happens when any unexpected costs occur during the year and where the money will come from. If ur 1k contribution includes some savings for this that would mean that for a year he will not be adding to this pot. He may have contributed more than a year's worth via paying off the mortgage, I understand.

Lastly whilst u might be miffed that he won't have to cope with the daily grind, by ur own admission he has had a difficult time. He needs to recover. I would be questioning my own feelings of empathy and tolerance if once the practicalities had been sorted out, if it continued to be such a massive source of discontent OP.

All well and good @frowningnotdrowning but what if he decides he likes living the life of Reilly and free of obligation, deadlines or the grind of life admin. Then the significant burden falls on the OP by default, I can understand the DH not wanting to be in a high stress role, but opting out of any life constraints with no guarantee he will actually feel inclined to get back after a year and leaving it up to the OP doesn't sound like a partnership to me.

He could also just take the year (or many years) off, not pay the mortgage off and continue to pay is £1000/month in contribution, is it better?

He would have a lot more of a safety net but then OP would be paying a lot more on interest over the years and still have the same issue.

He can afford to take a year off (whether he should or not is a personal opinion) and he could do it in a way that solely benefit him or in a way that also benefit OP, which he is choosing to do.

He has worked for 7 years more than OP already, and clearly has gone through some traumatic events at work. Mental health is as important as anything else, and if I was OP and I loved my husband I would make the year off work and like stated in my post, then discuss the possibility of both of them working part time after a year so she feels she can catch a break too or drop hours. Though again, her husband is older and has already worked almost a decade more than her so it’s also okay for them to be at a different stage of life work wise.

It’s also different working full time but not having to worry about childcare, housework and cooking than having to do it all. So I would expect most things to fall upon her DH and not OP

Your own response is also pretty childish. He clearly can’t afford to retire or take a year off because that necessitates OP working flat out to support them all. He will have left himself with no useful income and reduced his future prospects of finding work by deliberately making himself unemployed for a year at the age of 55.

What good is paying the mortgage off if all the other financial commitments are piled onto the only wage earner ? What about food, children’s costs, holidays, unexpected expenses ? What if OP loses her job or falls ill ? And given what she’s said about his stated intention to be a house husband l wouldn’t trust him to go back to work at all.

That he wants to give up a high stress job that’s taking it’s toll is totally understandable, but the responsible choice would be to secure alternative employment before taking the early retirement, so that he can continue to contribute. As things stand l don’t think this can be regarded as him paying his share in advance. I think he’s found a way to opt out so he can do what he wants while OP supports them all. And you know what that makes him.

You will be mortgage free at 48.

I think some people would consider that quite an achievement. Him "retiring" at 55 cannot have come as a surprise to you. Firstly you said "He has always said over the last few years he’d be a house DH and I can be the earner" so what was discussed at this point when he said that?

He has a pension he can draw down at 55, you must have talked about whether he would access the 25%. You are 7 years younger so of course you were not going to retire at the same time and you sound bitter.

A lot of people in the emergency services "retire" at 55 and then do another job my BIL being one of them. I cannot imagine the things he has seen, the smells he has had to endure, the horrors of his job. He now works part time. My sister is the same age and has dropped to a 4 day week but that is all she can do. No amazing pension for her either.

I assume you had at least one maternity leave whereby he supported you financially. He is still paying for the year he intends to take off and I doubt your remaining mortgage is the £12k. You need to change your mindset on this.

Dh and I have been pension planning for the last few years and he is only 50.

I do think he should take on more household responsibility. If this was my Dh I would be saying he gets a month of lies in, swanning around and then you divide up the household stuff including him doing some school runs and if you need the wrap around care and how long that goes on for.

He’s 55. He’ll be 56 by the time he is ready to return to work - massively at a disadvantage in finding work at this age and having been unemployed for a year. And if he’s expecting OP to take on responsibility for all the household expenses after the mortgage is paid off, with no further contribution from him and no safety net, then no, he can’t afford to take a year off. What if she becomes ill or loses her job ?

This appears to be a unilateral decision and given what OP says about his stated intention to be a ‘house husband’ l wouldn’t trust him to get back to work at all. It’s hugely entitled and clearly neither of them have thought it through properly.

It also will depend on how well he picks up jobs that you do now around the house. A lot of men will vegetate and do fuck all.

Sounds like you are in a precarious position and neither able to retire early. DH should take some time off and find a less stressful role that enables him to carry on until retirement. You need to get your house in order and prepare for your own retirement, and get a job with good employer pension contributions, while loading as much as possible into your pension yourself. Also if the kids are older what about university etc? And teenagers are expensive. Will you be expected to support them on your own?

What are people whining on about. She wont have worked the amount he has, for another 7 years even if he stops for 7 years. They aren't the same age.

This is all petty, pure envy. The only thing that matters is if the same things are covered. He is covering more than the years worth of equal financial commitment, and there's no suggestion he wont do the same amount of general work. So it comes down to people having a tantrum that someone might have reached a point where they can have that equal input, and have extra time as well - something he has built up being 7 years older.

A future outline of a plan is a good idea, but some of the responses are very childish.

My DH became a SAHD at 55 so I could return to work full time. I’m self employed so it was easier for me to fit my hours around childcare, but my income is 5x DH if I work full time.

I was very surprised by some people’s reaction to our change in dynamic. Funnily enough it was the friends who are SAHMs who were the most judgemental.

DH had planned to return to work (part time)when DS was able to drive himself to school (we live rurally and even the school bus is 3 miles from us. Unfortunately DH had a stroke so has been unable to work I am so glad that he had a few years to fully enjoy retired life. None of us know what the future holds.

I’m now semi retired and have sold my business. DH did most of the household jobs before his stroke. Now I’m pretty much his carer, physically he’s fine but the cognitive damage keeps me busy. Some of it is due to chronic fatigue but it’s combined with mild depression, the old DH was very much glass half empty and a little obsessive at times, the new post stroke version is so much more laid back. DS and I joke that the updated version 1.2 is a definite improvement.

I think as long as your DH is happy to fully embrace the SAHP roll it will make your stressful job less stressful. I found that just going to work then coming home in the evening was infinitely less stressful than combining work,school run, household necessaries, out of school activities, food shopping etc. Because I’d been part time I’d shouldered much of the domestic stuff, I loved being the bread winner. I do think that you have to be very firm about what will be expected though.

Life isn't always fair. If you loved him you would let him have this. He's seven years older than you. Maybe in seven years time he will have a new job and you can take a back seat for a while.