DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

I dont think you're one or the other. It's more complex than that. If DH pays off all the mortgage in one go, it leaves you with a huge burden. Whilst it may clear all the mortgage and reduce the interest paid, you still need to pay all the other bills that sound as though they are significantly more than the mortgage. Maybe he should put the money in a high interest account and you both continue contributing as usual. The fact is, he is in a position to retire and it sounds like you're younger and it isn't your time yet. It also sounds like he has had a stressful job that has impacted his mental health, but I'm also getting that the thought of being the sole earner is impacting yours. Is this true? And if so, is it because you are a little jealous of the free time he will now have? If by paying off the mortgage he has paid 'his share' do you not feel like you need to uphold your end of the unwritten agreement and see to it that you are also contributing, i.e., continue working until such a time you can also afford to retire? Further, he is only saying he'll take a year out, it's not like he has asked you to keep him in luxury for the rest of his life, but maybe cross that bridge if he decides not to contribute ever again.

Hes being unfair, fine he’s paying off the mortgage but half of that is his debt anyway. If he won’t pick up the school runs or the childcare the he needs to work to pay for the luxury of these things, he can’t just not do that because he doesn’t like it and he needs to adapt. I’d rather he kept working and kept up the lifestyle and didn’t pay the mortgage off

Have a few months off fine and then get something part time, you don’t need to switch off at 55 regardless of the job you’ve done and leave your partner running round working full
time and sorting your children. All that’s coming from someone who’s worked what sounds to be the same role

Agree. The poster has no understanding of how this will massively impact the whole family in the future. The priority seems to be DH indulging his mental health at the expense of everyone and everything else. Says more about the poster than anyone else here. There are other ways to approach this, but that would entail actually thinking of the others who will be affected - particularly OP who will pick up the slack indefinitely. But what the hell, she’s only a woman, and we all know men are the priority.

How will OP benefit from it ? He’s paying off the mortgage but in doing so he’s leaving himself with no useful income to contribute towards the running of the home after that. He intends to use his pittance of a pension to fund his hobbies while OP is left working to ensure that they can all continue to live in their home.

There is no safety net, no plan for unexpected expenditure or emergencies and at 56, having been out of work for a year, his employment prospects are hugely reduced. This plan only benefits him, and in later years he and OP will pay for it by way of massively reduced circumstances because he’s taken a lump sum out of his pension to pay off a mortgage he didn’t need to. If his job is stressful, by all means take the early retirement package. But secure another job before doing so, so that your partner isn’t saddled with the lot.

That’s the crux of it, and still so many people supporting it. It’s absolute bollocks. The only person who will benefit from paying off the mortgage is DH. OP will still have to work, and now in the knowledge that if the slightest little thing goes wrong financially, they’re stuffed. Who would willingly put their family in such a precarious position ?

He can’t afford to take a year off without OP stepping up and covering all household bills. Why are posters not recognising that simply paying off the mortgage is not enough when your family can’t afford to keep living in the home without one person taking on all of the responsibility for the expenses involved ?

And if you read OP’s updates it’s very clear that his intention is not just to take a year off - he wants to be a house husband. He’s said as much. So in a years’ time when he’s 56 and has made himself unemployed for a year and can’t get back into the job market OP will just have to suck it up. That’s not even taking into account the fact that he is reducing their circumstances - not only now, but in the future. His lump sum pays off the mortgage but doesn’t leave him anything to contribute to day to day expenses or bills. It also makes both of them poorer in retirement, and doesn’t even begin to take in the needs of their children who are in primary school.

I’m actually not sure why MN are allowing a lot of these posts to stand given their inflammatory language and misogynistic nature.

1000 EACH .

@Mandemikc No, I am not a detriment to this thread or Mumsnet. What I am is a differing opinion that falls outside of the female mind think.
Amd to be clear, I stand by every word I used before, because they are accurate and factual.

There is no such thing as "the female mind think". The description in itself is offensive.

Yours words "oestrogen driven" weren't accurate or factual about my younger self never mind my post menopausal self. Along with many other women.

And even if words are accurate there are acceptable ways to get your meaning across and unacceptable ways. Your way was pure misogyny.

But you don't care about any of that, do you?

I would be interested to hear your views on him unilaterally deciding to reduce their joint pension and her widow's pension if she outlives him as is likely. But only if you can put your inflammatory labels away for the duration.

Have you thought about the actual sums of money involved in this at all @EcoChica1980?

Say his lump sum is 100,000 (a fair estimate given their modest mortgage and other monthly outgoings). That equates to less than two years of the monthly contributions they have each been making to cover their joint, family costs.

So after two years, she will essentially be funding his lifestyle entirely. Based on a unilateral decision he has imposed on her. While refusing to make any other contributions, like ensuring that the majority of the housework is done and the children are well looked after. Which is what he expects the OP to continue doing ON TOP OF working full-time, earning all the money AND doing everything at home.

Is that fair? I'm not sure...

He's so traumatised that he can't clean the loo (though he might push the hoover around a bit!) and won't take his kids to school?

Meanwhile, the OP needs to do the absolute majority of the housework, the childcare (including during school holidays because being around his own children makes this psychologically terribly damaged man "grumpy") and the earning, while he lives the life of, essentially, a single man with a maid?

'Yes I always knew he would retire before me and no issue however at this age where he is taking early retirement I am not sure if I am being like an adult brat feeling it’s ’not fair’ I pay ALL the house bills however he will have used HIS OWN money to pay off the mortgage.'

Sorry OP - I fail to see the point you're making here. He's using his pension money to clear the mortgage which you will certainly benefit from. Yes you have to keep paying towards bill, but he has effectively made a huge advanced contribution.

55 is early to retire, however, so he should think about doing something else

If she works for the year he has off to recharge and recover from job, then they regroup and he picks up some small PT enjoyable role and she reduces hours at work. So they are both rewire retirement and they can both still afford bills. Of course that’s the framework idea but they both need to work out if it’s feasible with actual sums etc.
the alternative is he fully retires whilst she works herself into an early grave and they get no retirement time together.

Problem is he’ll be taking OP with him and it will likely affect the kids too.

You have 5 kids during any time where you might have felt your mental health was poor did you ever step away from parenting your kids? How involved are you as a father? How involved are you as a partner e.g. are you doing a relatively fair share of looking after and running of the household?

Would you be making a unilateral decision to just retire due to your poor mental health without discussing future plans with your partner?

I don't think I have seen anyone here say he shouldnt retire or leave his job or he shouldn't prioritise his mental health hell some have even said sure take a year off...OP is being supportive but at the same time when she has asked her OH of the future he has said he just wants to be a house husband but being one means doing more household stuff, which he isn't doing now and wont be doing either.

So like many of us we see the little flags thats says hang on your having your cake and eating it too.

He doesnt get to quit being a parent, most dads wish they could spend more time with their kids dont you agree? Surely now he has the opportunity to do this he is making it clear he doesnt want to. Surely if you wouldn't make your wife take annual leave to do school runs or kids related things if you were a house husband?

The crux of the matter is that if he has to offload the entire financial load onto OP in order to put this plan in place, then he can’t afford to do it. That simple. Whether he takes on the load at home is immaterial. The ongoing ability to actually afford to live in the home he’s just paid off will be down to OP, with no safety net that’s been mentioned here. Not to mention the massively reduced circumstances he will be forcing on them both when it comes to retirement because his pension has been reduced to pin money because of the lump sum he took. It’s batshit.

Let him have his early retirement but it doesn't mean he'll be sitting at home chilling. It means he will have to do all the work at home if you're doing 40+ and overtime. Wouldn't you be doing it if it wasn't for him retiring? I'd imagine most of it would fall on you so make most of it now fall on him. Mad that people don't seem to immediately realise that's what should logically happen. I don't mean you, just in general.

It’s true that they can’t stay in the family home unless the OP takes responsibility for all the expenses of running the family. Given they have dependent children that’s unacceptable. He doesn’t get to unilaterally determine that he’s contributed enough even though the costs are ongoing. He can plan to take early retirement from his current job and find a less stressful alternative. As a team he and his wife can plan what is financially feasible now and in retirement which will inform the decisions on the best use of his pension. Reducing lifestyle to support one partner’s mental or physical health is a joint decision.

we are in the exact same position slightly less of an age gap but hubby just withdrew his 25% and paid off the mortgage. The difference here is that everything is still 50/50 going forward and DH still wants to work (in our own company) so less of an issue. I think I would compromise with 6 months off and then he starts looking for work. But yes as he will be parent at home he takes over all of those jobs - you keep things that are hands off - so putting food orders in etc. Doesn't mean you can't have contact with the kids - you just will have less of the responsibilities like school runs, appts and so on

Tbh I think he'd be happy to pay a few quid to go back to his child free bachelor status. He can do what he likes then and feel the brunt of his poor financial planning when he's 67.

How much is his pension per month that he intends to spend solely on himself?

Has he FUCK done his bit!
He has done his bit at work but at home - he still has a family. What a lazy fucking entitled arse.
Ask him if, after his year off doing fuck all IF you then get a year off doing fuck all and he does EVERYTHING you do except your job???

I like the idea of divorce after he pays off the mortgage.
And all this talk of "his" and "your" money is bollocks if you are married - it is all YOUR-SHARED-COUPLE money. Not individual money.

If I were in this position and pissed off enough… I’d let him pay off the mortgage and then tell him I want a divorce.

I’d get half the house etc, possibly more as the children would be school age and resident. I’d have to downsize, but he’d be required to either cough up child maintenance and pay towards other child related expenses OR he’d have no choice but to step up and parent 50% of the time. Either way he doesn’t get to financially or emotionally check out of parenting.

Whenever I am pissed off at my DH, I am continually reminded in MN how bloody lucky I am to have him. I cannot understand men like this.

More bollocks.

It doesn’t sit with me at all because it’s not true. Posters, including myself, are taking his mental health into account. The difference is we’re not prioritising it above the well being of OP and the children involved. If you can’t find any mention of his mental health in 33 pages then l suggest you haven’t read properly. One thing l can guarantee though, is if you continue to post in this clearly misogynistic and dismissive way, you’re going to have many posts deleted. And the sooner the better. You may not think of yourself as detrimental to the thread, but you’re not exactly it’s biggest asset.