DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

As others have said, the problem isn't so much what he does the next year, it's whether this is a good financial decision for the distant future. If he was burnt out, he may have made a rash decision just to make it go away. Understandable. The ongoing finances do matter however and he needs to understand what this means for the future.

Retiring now with a small pension makes it more likely that you have to keep working even longer, to support your DC and household. There needs to be more of a long-term plan.

I know of several men who have married and had children with women around 10 years younger. Seems nicely calculated. They enjoyed their life for much longer pre-kids and then have wound down from working life earlier, because they have contributed most to pay for the house, and expected their wives to continue working and pick up the slack as they've little pension or took it very early.

We've a similar age gap to you OP and my DH will step down from responsibility in his current job rather than retire. Perhaps he will go part time whilst waiting for me to get closer to retirement. And our DC will be long flown the nest at that point.

@Imdunfer
If you do any research, you find that the often quoted reason women do not work in their fifties etc is that they are helping to care for their elderly parents. Her elderly parents. Never his elderly parents. Many men fund their wives to care for her family.
My MIL, along with many posters on here, complained about her husband retiring when he turned 70. She complained that,’she married him for life, not for lunch’. I have also seen that phrase used on here.
There is a real problem in the UK with some women assuming they do not have to work. There was a thread on here recently where a youngish woman without children, complained that she felt judged for not working. The statistics show that the number of economically inactive women is rising. Health cannot be aa equitable reason because women statistically outlive men by a significant number of years.
I saw a post yesterday where a woman complained that her husband wanted to be part time to help with childcare of their little children. She said that she put her foot down firmly. Any part time work was to be her privilege.
Women cannot expect men to be equally responsible for childcare and house work, if they refuse them the opportunity to be as involved.
In the short term the UK Government has to address the increasing number of economically inactive women.
From Google AI again
AI Overview

The UK government is concerned about the economic inactivity levels of older people, including women, recognizing it as a significant challenge for the economy and a barrier to individual financial resilience. Official statistics show that women aged 50 to 64 have a statistically significantly higher economic inactivity rate than men of the same age

Does bills include food? I think he should do a school run or so. Maybe agree on the bills bit but how much to do round the house is up for debate otherwise might be a bit like having another child. I do less paid work and don't pay house bills in general apart from window cleaner/ wifi etc but buy at least half the food, pay my own way, pay for and work on land we own, do the majority of the house work/ child care/ child activities and clothes/ school etc scheduling and planning. Have paid lump sum things in past. Not all cooking though. That is a big contribution to the household, it isn't all about bills. I think the bigger Q is his family role and responsibilities. If more of those are taken on would be ok with the bills. Be careful about long term plans, is this just a year? What does he plan on doing after that? As you get older less options available especially if retraining. 55 is still young

Another one who things this is fine but worries about the longer term. How many more years do you have on your mortgage? And of course the mortgage would have stayed the same while bills are going to go up each year. So I’d support him in this for a year or two but not for ten years until his state pension kicks in. I’d want to have an honest conversation about how he sees himself working again after the year out, although he only needs to earn about £1k a month so that could be in a much lower stress part time role.

I wouldn’t begrudge him this but you seem to have an issue with the £100 delta. Could he just save £1200 before finishing and then transfer you £100 per month? For a year?

If you want to continue school runs then do, that won’t be for much longer. Why can’t you pay into the tax free childcare scheme? What are your retirement plans?

I think he should be picking up all the domestic stuff if he’s not working but otherwise I would compromise and suggest you both review the money side after 6 months, he needs to decompress

Well some of the attitudes on here sum up the Mumsnet attitude where people are contrary for the sake of it. I understand your frustrations - it's not really feeling like a partnership, is it? What's his plan for when the year is up?

Married wuth young dc and he's reducing his financial contribution and stepping down...

He's even gone as far as saying you can be the breadwinner. Does this mean hes not planning to go back?

Not much of a team player is he.

And when you're fed up of him and finally leave in a few years, you'll probably end up paying him maintenance.

Because without her he wouldn't be able to pay for utilities, food, Council Tax, etc, etc.

Those bills won't reduce year on year; meanwhile his contribution covers less than half of what they currently spend.

I agree with this. I’m also aware as our kids get older that they may need support with uni/getting a deposit together even helping with childcare if they have a family in the future. I’m seeing this stage in our lives as a time to save a bit for them, not to rest on our laurels and wind down too early (but then my pension is rubbish as well and we have minimal rights to sick pay etc if something unexpected happened).

I don't think there's anything wrong with him taking a year out, as long as you can afford it as a family and as long as a year doesn't turn into forever.

He definitely needs to be helping more at home though if he isn't working.

The value in paying the mortgage off early is more than the £900 pcm because it will have saved them however many years were left interest.

OP, I would take up his offer to be a SAHP. The children will still be there when you come in from work! And dinner. So much less stress for you even if you have been sharing household jobs 50/50

I am guessing that the DH is a NHS paramedic with the 1995 pension, which gives him the option of retiring at 55 with no loss of pension benefits. This means he has a nice lump sum available, but because paramedics are woefully under-banded for the job they do and the things they see, the actual pension is quite small (especially if the maximum lump sum is taken). I’m also guessing that the last 10 years has really taken its toll on him and he just can’t do it any more.

The questions are

1. Is jam today the right approach? It probably is if he will go back to some form of paid work after the year.
2. Is paying off the mortgage the best thing to do? For that, all the figures would need to be on the table, and the advice of a financial advisor sought
3. Why can’t the DH contribute something small to the joint pot during the coming year and take on full SAHP duties?

Good idea to see a financial advisor. Even if he weren't wanting to take a year off, that would be sensible for someone who's 55, can't stay in their current role much longer but also has young children still.

YABVU

Youve already said how hard he’s worked and that his job has taken a toll on him. He’s older than you so of course he’s going to retire earlier.

What difference does it make to you if he pays the mortgage off in one lump sum or uses his lump sum to continue to pay the mortgage monthly? There is no difference as as long as it’s being paid what does it matter.

So if he retired at 65, when the OP was 58, would she have resented him if she was still working? If not, why not as it is the same situation?

You have a 7 year age difference. Even if he wasn’t taking early retirement presumably there was always a possibility he would finish work before you?

Yeah, but at 68 , not 55!

OP never said it was a shock, in fact she's very supportive. She's just asking what's fair going forward.

@Luannaa , will there not be a penalty if you pay the mortgage off early? Perhaps better to overpay by as much as you can without penalty every month/year?

I think he needs to maintain his share of costs. So if the mortgage is reduced by £x then he needs to contribute £1000-x ... until his money runs out. And that's when he needs to look for another job.

Also in the meantime he needs to take some of the load off you, eg school runs (I don't care if he hates them), housework & shopping, etc. You're in a partnership and you both have to make it work.

Sounds like he's a copper? He won't have any problem finding another job after a years break.

Take out the fact you are married and look at it as a business partnership dividing financial cost, household labour and mental load equally. It's not a business partnership but it might be a good starting point.
So you both committed to pay in £1000 a month. £900 was the mortgage. This mortgage was going to continue for another 15 ?years say. He has paid off this commitment. He owes £100 to the pot monthly for the remainder of what would have been the mortgage term if bills continue at the same level. After this time at age 60 he would pay 50%. The cost of childcare will increase due to his retirement so he needs to either do the childcare or he needs to pay the additional costs. This means that the status quo is maintained financially.
Next consider the division of household labour and mental load. Look at all your responsibilities and review who will be responsible bearing in mind that he's increased the financial cost of the childcare. Look at Fair play
This approach makes it fair and gets your feelings out in the open without appearing to be jealous of all this free time he will have. Men like logical discussions normally.
Other points
1.Take financial advice, is he getting this lump sum from his pension, whereby reducing his 'small' pension as you describe it. This may not be the best option. Costing out the total cost of the mortgage over the remainder of the term and the reduction in pension might help.
2.You could also agree a period of 'holiday' for him maybe the beginning of the school Easter or summer holiday, so that he can then switch into childcare for the summer or get a part time job 🤣 he might be motivated if he does not want to do childcare all summer.

I’m in a similar situation where I now pay the majority of outgoings since the mortgage was paid off but if I factor all the expenses DH incurred when I was on maternity leave both times, the holidays he’s paid for etc and after 25 years of him paying more than me it’s just my turn to pay a bit extra as he has less coming in. He does still give me money towards the food shop, we’ve always had separate accounts which is why he transfers that every week.

I disagree that the pension asset is “his” money. If you divorced you’d pool and share the pension assets accumulated in the marriage. It’s your money too, you get a say in how it is disposed of. Sure - you may be unable to stop him spending it on golf and cars, but that kind of thing leads quickly to a divorce - in reality in my experience men don’t just go and spend their pension lump sum on flashy cars so it’s a stupid comparison for pps to make.

This is your money too.

In this situation I would:

a) insist you see a financial advisor together so you can consider what his retirement and taking the lump sum/a year off does to your financial future prospects

b) understand what kind of job he might be able to get in his late 50s in a year’s time.

c) be clear that if he has a year off he has to step up and do 80% of the school runs, cooking, cleaning, housework and takes over the life admin for the house (planning birthdays, Christmas, dentists, insurance etc).

d) I would NOT work overtime this year unless you want to. If the money runs out or is tight, agree he’ll have to go back to work sooner.

A few things would concern me:
What is your financial cushion? Do you have 6 months of savings to ride out a unexpected financial crisis. Relying on one wage will make you more vulnerable to financial shocks.
Is his small pension going to be enough to pay the £100 short fall on the bills or will that now come from you - because that will have an impact.
I think there is an issue here with resentment - it won't be good for your relationship if he takes a year off and your anger and resentment continues to simmer - if he does retire will he pick up all the household tasks and the school pick ups - that would give you something positive out of this situation which need to happen to make you feel more positive.
Going forward if he doesn't go back to work - university costs are crippling and the expectation of significant parental contribution kicks in at a remarkably low level of salary again this kind of financial pressure will have a detrimental affect on your relationship.
There's a feeling through your thread that you are not working as a team at the moment - you are looking after no 1 - and I mean both of you, that's a concern.

Sil faced this scenario - she couldn't tolerate bil not working, she issued an ultimatum and they separated. Her finances were, of course, worse after separation - it never made sense to us, they got on (still do) - but she could not temper her resentment and I think if OP can't it will cause bigger problems down the line..

I don’t understand your set up. You’re married, you have children together - but you don’t seem to have made any joint plans for money, pensions, retirement plans, how your life together will pan out and how it will be funded?

DH and I are negotiating a similar situation in that he’s 57 and has been off work with burnout. He’s currently part time. He’s been working since he was 15 and would absolutely like to just walk away from it now. I’m 53 and completely the opposite: compromised my earning power by moving around and being a SAHM for 10 years, and have only just got back into a worthwhile career, which I’m really enjoying. But I don’t earn enough to replace DH salary, and our children are only 18 and 15 - they need us to support them financially for some years to come. So we need to sit down and find a compromise that allows him to reduce or stop working, while staying afloat as a family. We will tackle this together, like we have everything else, and come up with a plan for the next difficult stage of our lives, together. That’s what a partnership, a marriage, is, right?