DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

I have been in a similar position before, but my DH did have serious injury and MH issues on top of that. 8 yrs later I am still working full time and picking up most of the housework, cooking etc. My DH does still contribute to the bills and food, so this isn't the problem for me, but I was told that "when I got home from work everything would be done"... ie dinner ready, laundry done. Its not. Never has been. I am often exhausted and can also feel angry that he is sitting watching films all day, especially when I work from home!

You are going to need to set the scene better for the next year or you may possibly feel like this too - its hard having a healthy relationship when you're angry with someone.

I think that if he can do the housework so you don't have to, get dinner on the table and not just do his hobby, a year will pass quite quickly without too much stress. Good luck!

But stay at home mums are always told that their husbands ought to be helping with housework and childcare etc etc and yet they are off making no financial contribution. In this instance the husband has paid his share just up front rather than monthly.

What do you mean?

That he's going to give op £12k towards household expenses and then pay nothing for a year?
I don't recall that option being on the table 🤔

Why is his annual / monthly pension small?

Because he is taking a 25% lump sum and starting his pension at 55 that will do it every time!

This decision will have a massive impact on their retirement income.

I think you have no choice.
But you tell him he now has to do all the shopping and the stuff you would normally do. I presume you were the one doing all the cooking and cleaning.
You send him the £900 each month and let him shop, bet he over spends just make sure he knows he will be paying any extras.

From the information you’ve given I think you’re being unreasonable.
Im guessing the outstanding mortgage he will be paying off his more than a years worth of his contributions as your current arrangement stands. So if he does get another job in years time and then pays 50% of the bills minus the mortgage as it has been paid off his contribution has been massive.
It is your choice to work in a high pressured role with a poor pension, you say you enjoy your job role so I perhaps look at condensing hours a little to free up some time or work the same and pay more into your pension now you don’t have half a mortgage to pay.
He was always going to retire first in the event of proper retiring as he is older, I think you need to reframe this as he taking a year out after what sounds like a very stressful/demanding role (a role within the emergency services would be my guess).
Whilst you enjoy spending time with the children and do the school runs your DH has the right to spend quality time with the children too.
If he’s at home I’m sure naturally he will pick up more of the home stuff as he will be present to do it, unless there is a massive back story about him not doing anything at home even when having the opportunity.
It’s ok to feel envious of what his year out will look like but not ok to resent him for his decision if it’s not detrimental to you as a family.

Exactly.
As long as he’s doing his share of domestic stuff, OP has no grounds for complaint. He’ll have paid off the mortgage , which is more than most SAHMs do.

or rather why are you totally taking the piss?

How can you say this without knowing his role? From the limited info OP has provided, it sounds as though he's in the emergency services/armed forces. Raising kids is hardly comparable to that.

So jointly you pay £1,000 per month
DH will pay off the mortgage which will cut your monthly bills from £1000 to £100 and you are resentful that he won't contribute his monthly share?
Are you totally taking the piss?

What an utter crock of shit!!!

I would expect him to step up on the home front. School runs, childcare after school, equitable sharing of chores, life admin etc, and with that in place, I’d be fine with this.

I find it bizarre that on MN people say that SAHMs shouldn’t have to do everything, and that their working husbands should be doing some cooking, cleaning, childcare, domestic stuff etc when they get home from work. But if it's a SAHD then he shouldn’t have any help with domestic chores at all.

You have a few issues. You seem resentful of him having an easier time - life and money is rarely equal and relationships work best when you can enjoy things going well for the other person. This is the very thing he also isn’t doing well as neither of you seem to have a handle on your shared, family finances and the impact of these on each other.

Why isn’t your pension good? That is a family priority. Is paying off the mortgage the best use of the lump sum? when do you both plan to retire? How much do you need to get the kids through education, for house repairs, for transport, and fun? The reduced pension isn’t lost as some posters have implied -for a public sector pension he would usually be 80+ before taking it without a deduction pays less overall so without knowing our lifespan who knows what is financially best. That said you seem to be financially uncertain/ill educated and resolving this allows you to know your needed numbers and your ways of making retirement work for you both.

If he puts £40k into the mortgage… well that’s 40 months of bills

No it doesn't, that's complete and utter rubbish! You don't know what their mortgage is, but it's got to be more than £40k if the repayments are £900 a month.

And you don't know how long their mortgage has to run. Mortgages are time limited, but bills go on for ever.

And in any case, putting money into paying off the mortgage won't magically reduce their bills by £1000 a month. That's a bit like saying if I pay off my car finance I won't have to buy petrol. 🤔

@Luannaa I didn't say this before because it isn't the question you asked, but are you convinced that paying off the mortgage is the best use of the money? There are options around savings, or putting some into private pension plans that might work better for you as a family. If we're talking a 6 figure sum, then you really should talk to a financial advisor.

And, again you didn't ask this question, but 12 months is a LONG time to be without work at his age, and he may find it difficult to get back into work. Could you persuade him to take 6 months and then review the situation?

I would expect him to pick up the school runs. No way would I be doing that on top of a full time job.

Employers have a bias towards prospective employees who are already in work. It might be easier for your husband to find a job with shorter hours and less responsibility right now than to re-enter the job market after a year's absence.

What are the plans for after his 'gap year'?

If, as a couple you can afford to live on one person working 40 hours a week, then you could also live on 2 people working 20 hours a week each.

So you could both semi retire and both have more time for hobbies etc, which would be fairer.

I think a big concern with this scenario is that if you were unable to work, and he was not working, the support you would receive via benefits would be very low and the small pension would be deducted from that too. In a worst case scenario, you could end up in a position where you are both considered job seekers on universal credit. Maybe wise to retain a decent chunk of the lump sum just in case and for partner to find a part time job at least not full retirement.

@ThorsRaven would you say that SAHMs should do all these things too? Literally everything? Even at weekends?

If your household can afford it and he's been doing a very stressful job, a year off is fine.

You have to be clear with him what that actually means:
He does the vast majority of household tasks and childcare
All shopping
All meal planning and most cooking.
If he wants a year off he needs to start looking for his next job after about 6 to 7 months.
He needs to be open to new job opportunities that may crop up within this timeframe.

How many years are left on your mortgage?

Presumably he will be getting a pension if he is taking early retirement at 55. He should continue to pay towards household expenses, and you could do it in the ratio of your income.

If you are working full time and he is not working, then he should be doing the majority of household tasks.

Maybe you could discuss dropping a day once he goes back to work so that you both have 1 day off a week to do something together?

So DH has had a hugely stressful job and is now able to make a fantastic contribution to the family life by paying off the mortgage, but he’s the problem?

OP you have separate finances and you will be no worse off. You are obviously miffed about his potential new lifestyle, but this isn’t a financial issue. Your financial situation and your workload won’t change and may even improve if/ when he picks up more of the slack. And you will be saving 1000s in mortgage interest and getting that emotional security.

I would have a chat about time limiting his ‘break’ just because he may get bored or age more quickly - what could he do if he wants to work at 57/58? But if he’s been a good, supportive, hard working DH until now, why are people suggesting he’s now a terrible person, ‘cocklodger’ and you should give him ultimatums or LTB? He wants a change of pace, is happy to finance it - what is he actually doing wrong here? .