DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

I would say that would be okay for a year to do but you’re going to be paying an extra 100 per month and prices of groceries, fuel and energy will go up meaning you could be paying an extra 200 per month in a years time. I don’t think it’s sustainable. I’d ask him to take a year's break then look for a part time job.

Hmm are you able to quote that research?

My DP lost his job in 2018 (we are a later life relationship, we both have adult children but none together). From that point I simply covered all the household expenses (he was looking for work but due to his age and specialism he didn't find a permanent role that suited him - did some part time roles).

We never discussed it. But also from that point he gradually took over most of the household chores - particularly laundry and shopping (and looking after the garden). Indeed, now I am retired he still does most of those things (I am not allowed to, apparently I do it "wrong"!) 😁

I’m reading this as he wants to decimate your (joint) pension fund, in order to live a life of leisure for at least a year, while you continue to work and find that lifestyle. Make no mistake, that if you were to divorce, you would be entitled to a good share of that pension fund (I’m not suggesting divorce btw, just pointing out that sometimes a higher earner will claim that “their” pension fund is “theirs” not “marital assets”). A £900/ month mortgage, isn’t a small amount to pay off, s o the pension pot is significant.
Would he be prepared to work part time? Pick up all the child care etc? Are your finances currently completely separate? (If so, you’ve kind of made a rod for your own back) Why are you paying “equal” into the pot, if your earnings are so disparate? There’s a lot of detail missing, but if you’re not happy, then be straight with him.

I think it's fair to say that we do equate childcare with domestic chores, we have never moved away from that. Women on mat leave ARE expected to do the lions share of it, and by and large they do. Research shows there also no circumstances in which there's a pattern of a man in a house picking that up. So we equate a woman being at home with a baby with domestic chores, but not a retired man at home.

overall after reading the comments I am still torn.

i think it’s so 50-50

i think i veer to the principle not being unreasonable but the execution being, because it’s seemingly pretty unilateral by the partner and there’s been little discussion of the actual execution in the long term

as a couple I think you need to come to an agreement because it’s family finances we’re talking about.

@ThorsRaven I was asking your opinion. You’ve said that if OP’s DH stops working, he should do 100% of all domestic chores and childcare, because OP is working. Are you saying that this should be the case in every situation, when one person works and the other doesn’t? Meaning that working husbands of SAHMs should literally not lift a finger at home? Because that would be an unusual opinion. Most working husbands of SAHMs are expected to chip in at weekends and in evenings.

He’ll be paying £900 a month instead of £1k a month.

There is a £100 loss but they’ll not be paying interest on the mortgage and have the security of the house being paid off.

There could be a discussion that he pays the £100 a month to cover the shortfall.

But ultimately he is still paying his half and OP is paying her half.
OP will not have to contribute any additional money.

HRTWT however if he would normally contribute £12k per annum then, so long as he is paying £12k off your mortgage, surely he is contributing his bit. The only slight issue is the £1200 he would normally put towards bills that aren't the mortgage but you've already said that's manageable.

In the long run, he is reducing interest payable on your mortgage so reducing debt for both of you and potentially enabling earlier retirement for both of you depending how large the mortgage was.

And he's said about wanting to be a 'house DH' so as long as he takes on a greater share in that sense thereby allowing you more relaxation time as well, tbh, I can't see how this is a problem.

It sounds more like an issue for you managing change and some jealousy (understandable btw). I know my DH had moments of feeling frustration he had to work whilst I was at home for a year's mat leave. Obviously not quite the same but I can see why you feel the way you do.

I agree with this …. And the figures aren’t right …. 2 High earners both contribute 1k each to monthly expenses…. Where is the rest of their money going ?

You need to sketch out a 5 year financial plan for a start. A year off sounds fine and in your shoes I would encourage it. It will give him a chance to recover and reset. 55 sounds too young to retire full stop, especially given the age of the children.
But I would hand over tasks if he isn't already doing. Washing/drying/putting away. Food planning/buying/cooking.

Yeah, and as I said in response to someone else making the ridiculous suggestion that money spent paying off the mortgage translates pound for pound as a reduction in household bills, that makes about as much sense as saying if I pay off my car finance then I can be let off from buying petrol 🤔.

That was never the proposal. The OP was that he would pay off all the mortgage, thus reducing their bills by the £900 a month they currently pay on the mortgage.

BUT
(a) it doesn't add up to the £1000 he is putting in currently, which is an issue, and
(b) interest rates are falling, so next time they review their mortgage they would probably end up paying less than £900 - reducing the value of his contribution.

The idea is not well thought through. As others have said they need to consider their family finances in the round, including planning for when they can BOTH retire, helping their children with uni fees, or even house purchase, covering unexpected bills, holidays, new cars, etc, etc.

You never know what is around the corner. Say for instance you lost your job for some reason, you would never be homeless as your DH has secured this for you for life!

Paying the mortgage off early has also saved your household thousands on interest.

Your DH has already worked at least 7 more years than you have (age difference).

He is not being greedy to ask for one year off. YABU and selfish.

I would be concerned about what happens for unexpected costs and rising costs.

He would absolutely be picking up the load at home and I would expect to have to do very little.

If you can still afford to contribute to your half of the bills then you can do whatever you want - change jobs, quit, retire, start a new business etc.

It doesn’t need to be a discussion because you’re still paying your half of the bills.

It’s no different to a parent taking maternity leave as long as it’s for a fixed period. I would not be paying for wraparound childcare while there was a parent sat at home not earning. Can you reduce your contribution by cutting bills / switching, cancelling subscriptions, him batch cooking etc so you can pay more into pension?

I don’t know why he would be having lie ins. You should get the same support at home / with school runs you have given him. Can you work different hours eg start very early so you can still be around after school some days or work compressed hours and have a day off? My hunch is it would be better for you to be absent in the mornings if he’s not good at getting up.

It also frees you up eg to take a solo holiday or see friends more or go the gym after work or study / apply for promotion. Try and look at what positives there could be for you of not being the default parent.

If he definitely plans to start contributing again after one year, then as long as the amount he is paying to the mortgage is £12k or more, then this is fair.

However, I'd expect him to do school runs, housework and cooking - that way you get the benefit of him retiring too.

Would it be a good idea for him to pay for the mortgage off as much as possible BUT he keep hold of a year’s worth of his £1000 contribution (so keeps back £12000 in a savings account or whatever that monthly amount would be with a reduced mortgage payment if that’s even applicable) and then he can keep up with his monthly household contributions and enable the household to run smoothly. That would seem a sensible thing to do and in the meantime work out how to move forward? Giving him a break from what sounds like a stressful job. But takes the financial pressure off of you. At least for a year?

There's a lot of missing information here.

How much is the lump sum?
Has your DH considered how much he is losing by cashing in his lump sum at 55?
Presumably you each earn more than £1,000 per month and therefore must have savings?
How do you live on £1,100 a month with at least one child?
Food, gas, electricity, phones, running cars, internet costs, clothes, insurances, car maintenance, unforeseen expenses?
What is DH's long term plan? He must have discussed it with you?

At the moment it looks like your individual incomes are strictly regarded as belonging to each of you and only part is pooled for necessary expenditure and you both contribute the exact same amount to the family pot, no more or no less.

On the basis of your post, it looks like your DH has decided to retire at the first available opportunity, using his lump sum as his payment out of the workplace.
If he does retire, I very much doubt that he will want to return to work in a year's time. It's a shame that the lump sum isn't regarded as family money.
If you or your DH were to come into an inheritance, would that be seen as your own respective incomes as opposed to family money to be saved for or spent on the family. I suspect that it would be seen as your own respective incomes.

The problem here in my opinion seems to be that your financial relationship is more of a business relationship rather than earning financial provision for the family. As long as this remains the case, issues like this will continue to arise.

How much is the balance that he is paying off?

How much of his lump sum will he have left?

How much will his pension pay per month?

It sounds like you don't share money. If that's the case, and he is saying that he will pay the mortgage off and then not contribute further, then we need to know how much he is paying!

For eg. If the mortgage balance is £30,000, then he is saving you 33 months worth of payments. So really, after that time, he needs to start contributing again.

I think the amount left matters too. If he still has £80k sitting in a savings account and is contributing nothing, that doesn't sit well with me.

I wouldn’t have a huge problem with this but you’ll need to have some very clear discussions beforehand. If he pays off the mortgage you’re going to save a lot in interest so calculate how much that is then half it - he’s effectively giving you that (assuming you’re a household who operates finance separately based on this post). Other things to consider - what will his monthly pension be afterwards and how will your combined finances look when you retire, how stable is your marriage, is he expecting to return to some form of employment after a year. If the numbers stack up I’d also have a honest discussion about household responsibilities, assuming he’s not a dick it’s not a reach for anyone to understand if he’s kicking about all day and you’re working then coming home to do laundry resentment is going to set in pretty fast. All going well this could significantly improve your free time / reduce mental load and be a great thing for you as a family - fingers crossed for you!

I think this was surely a discussion to have before the decision to retire was made.

im 50-50 on it TBH. I get both sides really….its dead hard to say anything on reasonability

I’ll read others views now with interest

My parents gifted me a sum of money last summer. Based on what some PPs have said, perhaps I should have made a unilateral decision to quit my job and draw down on it like a salary for the 2+ years it would take to deplete it, without consulting my DH first. Perhaps I missed a trick there.

He can find another less stressful job

I would not be happy with one person doing early retirement and then having to work and bear the load of increasing costs of living while he’s doing his hobbies

As long as he runs the house and has realistic prospects for getting a job after the year if that is needed / your agreement.

I can see why you’re not happy, this wouldn’t work in my marriage because we share all money, there is no “paying my half”, every single penny is considered shared money.

However, you really did set yourself up for this by doing 50:50 and presumably keeping the rest of your money for yourselves. So I’m in two minds, as be is just staying true to the arrangement you’ve always had.