DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

God what a selfish prick. Don’t be fooled into thinking he is doing you a favour by paying the mortgage of. It’s all about HIM and what HE wants and what’s best for HIM.

I feel sorry for you and your kids. I can’t imagine a scenario where my marriage would survive if one of us decided we weren’t going to work anymore but also weren’t going to take on more of the domestic work.

Retired or not your husband should be doing more of the childcare element of your shared lives. It’s entirely possible that while he was working he didn’t have the capacity to do drop off if he was working all manner of shifts etc. It’s all well and good that he wants to retire now but you need to have the conversation about his ‘free’ time being made to fit around the children because you can’t cope with everything; while he’s essentially not doing very much- if your working hours allow it (ie you don’t start till after 9 for example) you could still do drop off but there should be no need for breakfast or after school clubs; or holiday clubs. You’re not doing a disservice to your children, your husband is. If he wants them to go to holiday club instead of parenting he should be paying for it. He needs to build a relationship with his children and this is the perfect opportunity. It’s possible that not having the stressors of his work might help him!

@Luannaa, I may have missed a reply to my earlier question, what's the balance of the mortgage that your husband would be paying off?
That aside, unless it's a stonking amount he'll receive when he finishes up, it sounds like he expects to be a kept man once he gives up his current job. It also sounds like he won't pull his weight doing a fair share of kiddos etc; I mean, who hasn't gotten grumpy but we still have to push through, right? Furthermore, it sounds like it will affect the family standard of living considerably. Then there's the worry he'll lose his work ethic and leave you carrying the can. I have to say, it's not looking great.

Kids are far too young for DH to consider retirement and if he's saying he's done his bit he's hardly likely to apply for a job in 12 months time!

Ok what about letting him have a year or so off to decompress, he probably has PTSD. and then discuss him getting a low stress part time job to go towards holidays etc ? And so he can keep paying NI which I think will help towards his state pension ?
he might want to work after a year off .

DH has always taken a back seat with childcare which was agreed before we had dc and I was more than happy with this as his job was the more stable one so was more important for him to have work focus and his downtime. He won’t do school runs so it would be pointless me asking him this and if he is off when dc are off school he can only manage a couple of half days as he gets stressed by dc then is in a foul mood so not fair on them to ask him to do more.

Your latest update has condensed it into a LTB from me. He's basically abusive using coercive control tactics to get his own way. I strongly suspect he doesn't actually want DC and they, along with the marriage to someone younger, were a way to trap you into the marriage so he could use you as a cash cow for his early retirement, because you would feel guilty for "breaking up the family" if you leave him, even though it's his actions and unfair treatment of you that would cause you to leave, so nothing to feel guilty for. I think he's been playing the long game OP.

I suggest you divorce him now. You both get, as a starting point, half the equity in the house and half of your own pension pot and half of each others pension pot. See a solicitor just in case you'd get more.

Do the maths OP.
How many DC,
How many bedrooms needed (they can share if same sex),
What could you afford to buy and where, for whatever that overall price of your half of everything would be.

That puts you into a situation of having a home with no mortgage.

Then look at both bills and any benefits you'd be entitled to. Does it add up? If it does, I'd go for that option rather than stick with this leech.

The problem isn't the retirement but it's the fact he isn't going to manage the house and the kids. If he isn't going to do it and you have to fund it, then he needs to go back to work or do it. With primary aged kids, he can't just stay at home and do nothing and if he doesn't then he is a crap husband and father.

Very true!!

No she said he's going to use the lump sum to pay off the mortgage and what's left over to form his monthly pension income will only be enough to cover his cheap hobbies.

I do feel jealous he will be having a relaxing life while I ferry kids to school and weekend clubs as well as work using annual leave for childcare or what will now be MY OWN money for school holiday childcare. Kids are primary school age.

I’ve changed my mind after reading this. If he’s not working then he should be doing the ferrying the kids to school, weekend clubs should be 50/50 and you definitely shouldn’t need to pay for or use your annual leave for childcare if their father isn’t working.

Wrong. She needs to continue to find the £1k a month she's currently paying, plus the £100 shortfall from what he was paying but now won't be, plus covering the cost of any unexpected expenses in future. Oh and she's still to get up early, get the kids ready and do the school run before she goes to work - because he doesn't want to!

Perhaps you should use the filter feature and read ALL of the OPs posts….

The comments from him such as
i have worked so hard and done my bit
Its time for me now
I shouldn’t have to stress about work
I've worked hard for years
I deserve to relax now
i am taking early retirement as I deserve it

He’s “done his bit” ??

Nah mate, doesn’t work like that when you still have school age DC.

Because he won't be going halves on the food and bills etc. He's planning to pay off the mortgage and then pay for nothing except his hobbies.

With the mortgage paid off she'll have to put more into the pot not less, because the mortgage is only £900 and he currently puts in £1000, so there'll be a £100 shortfall (until the cost of living rises or an unexpected bill crops up, then the shortfall will be even more).

He's not planning on doing more with the DC. He's even said that OP will have to continue getting up earlier than she otherwise would have to, so she can continue getting DC ready for school and doing the morning school run before work because he doesn't like doing it and wants a lie in, which is absolutely taking the piss. OP doesn't want all children related duties taken off her of an evening, she likes her DC and wants to spend time with them.

As usual, like so many men, he's decided which bits of family life he wants to cherry pick for himself and is expecting OP to cover the bits he doesn't want to do. He's not considering her at all, other than in terms of how he can best use her to fund his chosen lifestyle. If he goes ahead with his plan OPs quality of life reduces overnight.

He might be calling it a year off but it's very clear he's got no intention of working again. His repeated stating over the past few years that he's going to be a house husband and OP can be the earner, his new statement that he wants AT LEAST a year off work, the taking of a year off rendering him most probably unemployable at 56 anyway . He's got it all planned out. The more fair and sensible options would be for him to either - Take a part time job 20+ hrs per week to top up his pension and continue contributing towards expenses. Or to take a full time lower stress job, continue to contribute towards expenses and delay taking his pension until retirement age so he doesn't lose a huge chunk of it.

Let me get this straight - your husband was probably a fire fighter or a police officer. He’s getting a lump sum which he’s going to use to pay off the biggest bill you have. And you’re bitching because you need to find £500 a month and you think that needs 40 hours.

Is he in the police? It sounds like it. If so some time off is usual but he should be picking up more of the parental load

Of course he should step up and look after his kids and do more housework!

He isn't retiring/taking a year off being a father and having responsibilities. What a man baby...

Lighthearted but just divorce him after he pays it off?

I like the idea of a financial advisor then as you seem most concerned about the impact to your family quality of life. If his retiring early becomes a financial strain, then it is better he hears that from an advisor than you.

Ok your update has changed my mind - how dare he take time off work and still not look after his own children, take on more housework, and give you some time to yourself?

He sounds like a selfish arse - do not take annual leave for childcare if you have a non working husband at home who can do it instead!

Didn’t she say it was enough to pay the £900/mo until the mortgage is paid off?and then presumably he still will get £900/mo and it can go towards other bills. How much retirement income will OP have?

He is 55 and you are 48. You have to have known he would retire 7 years before you. Why should he work 7 years more than you so you retire at the same time?

I don’t understand why you are miffed? That’s the natural consequence of your age gap.

Just say you’d like a way to plan out retiring at 55 for you as well. What’s fair is you retiring at the same age, not the same time.

This isn't how it will be though. OP has already said, his pension is going to be so small due to retiring early that all it'll cover is his cheap hobbies. He won't be contributing to any bills at all. He basically can't afford to retire early without living off OP.

I suggest speaking to a financial planner together to get an understanding of the situation and what it means for you both.

It doesn’t matter if he hates school runs. He can now does the school runs and most of the housework. You only need to work and help at weekend and do bedtimes. That seems like a fair deal.