DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

She has. He has been adamant he hates it and will not do it.

Well if he’s not going to work, why can’t he do the school run while you work? It makes no sense to pay for childcare in the holidays when he is at home doing nothing. I’d have a chat with him about that. He cannot do nothing around the house, he is still expected to help out with his house and children. Talk to him about that.

Is there much difference between your respective net income? You're going 50/50 on bills and about 90/10 on domestic chores. I suspect too that he earns more than you but you've still gone halves.

This is so much worse than you being jealous of him stopping work mid fifties: he's stubborn and stuck in his ways and you've nothing to look forward to except carrying the domestic and financial load for 20 more years until retirement when you'll be looking after a man just 6 years off his 80th birthday.

It would be an entirely different situation if during this year he took on most of the domestic load including the school runs and had viable plans for income generation via another source after his year off but I think you're right, this is it for him. His future might look rosy but yours looks quite grim.

From your update, absolutely not. He doesn’t get to opt out of all childcare, and it’s ridiculous that you should pay for holiday childcare if he’s not working. If the £2k a month doesn’t include childcare then he hasn’t “done his bit” just by paying off the mortgage, and he is going to have to find another job or step up a lot more. I would get so, so resentful in your situation and I don’t think the marriage would last.

I think it's the money too. They are going from a family which has a foreign holiday every year to one who might not have the money for any holiday at all. It suggests that their day to day living (treats, takeaways, "unnecessary " new clothes, nights out, quality of car, etc ) is going to be affected.

I think the real issue isn’t the money but the fact that he doesn’t look after his own children. After he retires he won’t have an excuse to not do childcare, and I imagine it will make you very angry to see him chilling out while you do everything. You need to talk about this with him.

I have to say OP that your bar seems exceptionally low

Not a chance in hell that I (or my husband) would accept our partner opting out of all responsibility for both the finances AND the children

I agree with this post.

There's a reason you're twitchy @Luannaa and that's because your husband is planning to spend at least year off leaving you with the childcare responsibilities as well as all the financial responsibilities and your spidey senses are telling you he doesn't plan to go back it work after that - and honestly even if he does plan to you can't know it will work out.

I'd be incredibly twitchy too.

You equate having his children with him playing hobbies for a year ?

Just read the update.

Thats ludicrous that you take any annual leave for childcare when he’s at home.

Another discussion needs to be had about ex my expectations (housework etc) money etc. This isn’t a one year decision, but affects you all longer term. Make a financial plan fir the next five or ten years.

I posted the budget planner upfront. Sit and do this with him. Let him see how his year off will mean you can’t afford to live.

Acknowledge that he needs a break, but that diesn’t mean opting out. He still has responsibilities!

It seems pretty mean and selfish for you to resent him having time off. What's the alternative? For him to go straight into another job so that you don't feel so jealous? He's worked a hard and stressful job for a long time, is now going to pay off your joint mortgage and you can't even support him for one year whilst he has a bit of a break? I would certainly hope my husband would do that for me. Hasn't he supported you through other periods in your marriage? Maternity leave or similar?

These men 🙄

I have suggested he finds something for 2-3 days per week after 1-3 months off but he says no.

the chances of him going back to work again are zilch

the fact you talk about your money and his money is telling. You unfortunately don't have a partnership.

youd be better off breaking free and having your 50% of the house as you're going to have a non-paying lodger with you for the foreseeable, while you grapple with full time work, primary age children and likely minimal help with any chores, while he buggers off on jollies and the life of Reilly. That's your reality, I think you're being very understanding towards him but far too lenient

Dupe

You think he should be allowed to make unilateral decisions like this one for the whole family?

"Moving forward unless he finds another job we would struggle to afford even a caravan holiday- we have always had an abroad holiday every year since Covid"

He isn't "getting a lump sum". He has taken a lump sum of of his pension which reduces both their joint income for the entire rest of his life and her widow's pension if he dies before her.

You think she shouldn't be bothered by that?

Your issue here isn’t him paying off the mortgage or not going back to work it’s the fact he won’t be a father to his own children. That’s what you’re mad about and rightly so.

You need to be having a serious conversation about that.

Have you said how much the outstanding mortgage is OP? Because there’s a whole world of difference between £10K and £100K outstanding. Also, what’s his pension and what’s your salary?
As far as you saying he won’t look after his DC, that needs addressing and he will just have to do it! What’s he going to do on day 1 of his retirement when you leave the house to go to work without the DC? He’ll soon get them there. And make sure that school has him down as first point of contact. Same in school holidays - either he does the parenting or he pays someone else to do it.

Well this presents a different picture, but your first post says you haven't talked about it.

You do now need to say he has to do things with the children if he is going to be at home and you still work full time. Though it sounds like maybe he never wanted children in the first place and the only reason he agreed was because you said you would do all the work with them.

I think other people's suggestions of speaking to a marriage counsellor if he won't discuss things with you is a good idea.

I wouldn’t be upset by the paying off the mortgage and the taking a year off. I would be extremely upset that even when not working he “won’t do school runs”. School runs need done and parents don’t get the luxury of saying they won’t do it if they are available to do so. I’d be saying that was an acceptable position to take whilst working but doesn’t wash when he’s a man of leisure and I simply wouldn’t take no for an answer. Same applies to running kids to clubs. If nothing else, I assume this new responsibility will ensure that he definitely returns to work in 12 months if not sooner.

What does he think YOU deserve - to work til 70? What does he think the DC deserve?

Yes, it’s not legally ‘his money’, unless you’re not married.

So have worked full time too, and done most of the parenting.

It would indeed be very unfair on you and the DC for him to proceed as he plans, unilaterally, whether overtly or by stealth (not job seeking).

I think he’s planning to go back to work after a year though, from what the OP has said

@Luannaa I really feel for you, this is a shit position he has put you in.

he will have used HIS OWN money to pay off the mortgage.

You need to disabuse yourself of that notion RIGHT NOW!
It's NOT "his money". It's family money.
If you were to divorce him today you would be entitled to half his pension pot.
Please try and get your head around this idea - he is not doing you (and DC) a favour by paying off the mortgage. In fact what he is planning on doing will seriously impact his pension income - are you prepared to support him for another 50 years?

I shouldn’t have to stress about work
I've worked hard for years
I deserve to relax now
i am taking early retirement as I deserve it

These comments are not valid or true. He still has school age kids that he needs to support.

Let's say he started work at 16, so he was a child for 16 years, he has worked for 40, and he could easily be retired for 50 years or more.
You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that he hasn't yet earned an easy pass through the rest of his life.

@Luannaa my advice would be to talk to a financial advisor yourself, and I would consider a divorce lawyer too. This business of being unpleasant "stressed" with the kids and making YOU pay for childcare has to stop straight away. Just say you won't, if he wants childcare then HE has to pay for it.

As to your household expenses going forward, he still needs to contribute. Do a budget each year, plan how much money you need each month as a family, then he pays half of that less the £900 you are saving from the mortgage .

You are in a difficult position here. I agree with other posters, he is not doing you a favour, he is manipulating you into supporting him for the rest of his life.

I had said it wouldn't bother me him taking a year off. BUT i do think it really odd that he won't step up for school runs or holiday childcare.
There needs to be a rebalance there (not 100% either way) other wise i agree it isnt fair on op

There is little benefit to you from him paying off the mortgage.

in effect he will become your bank manager/mortgage company, as you will still work day after day to afford to keep your family.

And he will sit there receiving his passive income and all the benefits of your hard graft 😩