DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

Yeah. Agreed. He shouldn't ask this off you. Its unbelievably selfish. He's demoting your quality of life.

Exactly! I can’t believe people on here don’t see this as not even basic parenting and partnership. Also money doesn’t grow on trees. He’s not left them in a fantastic financial situation, he’s overstating his hand having paid the mortgage off as solving all their problems, which would have happened anyway, it just happened earlier. He needs to take a break, get counselling, get back to taking joint responsibility for his family. He’s clearly got trauma to work through and burying it will not heal it, it will only push it down and it will spill out to his family and he will be in a far worse position. Retirement will not be a panacea the DP imagines as OP will end up having to LTB and he’ll wonder why.

The bottom line of this thread:
OP and her husband are not partners. They are two individuals who happen to live together and happen to have some children and happen to be married.

As I said in my first post, WE have done similar no young DC and DH is a bit older and have made OUR lives easier. Because for US, it's about the time we spent TOGETHER.

I work in a job where it's common to retire at 55 after 30 years of service. And I've never heard of them struggling to get a part time job after retirement as they are very employable.

What doesn't sound right is that he isn't planning on helping with his own children. Maybe he needs to take this year off to get to know them, spend time with them, do school runs etc.

Absolutely.

He’s throwing away 10 years of private pension contributions and NI contributions. If the remainder of his pension is so meagre that it will only cover his hobbies he can’t afford to retire.

You really need proper financial advice OP.

I'm not clear on whether he's saying he won't contribute to any household bills ever again...

If so, that's unreasonable.

Bills never end.

He’s the same age as me. The idea of retiring now is preposterous.

He can’t afford to retire in any case.

Is the house in your joint names?

Also, how does he think his children are going to be brought up without any financial support from him save for the mortgage?

Clothes, school books, mobile phones laptops, food, holidays etc etc.
He's behaving like a single man! It's ridiculous! Totally selfish.

wow your update has made me much more strongly think that HE is being unreasonable.
there’s no way you should be working full time, doing all drop offs, pick ups, weekend activities and taking annual leave to cover the school holidays!?! While he does what?!
fair enough for him to have some time to decompress, sounds like he was in emergency services. But that doesn’t mean he can check out of family life in its entirety. It sounds like you’re living two completely separate lives rather than in a partnership.
could he potentially benefit from some counselling? Sounds like he’s burnt out and dealing with it by just checking out of everything?

Astonished people on here think this set up is reasonable. Try being in that situation, OP isn’t that much younger than DP and is getting no benefit whatsoever from this early retirement. Parents should be a team and share the load. The benefit of an older dad should be when they retire they take on responsibilities so mum can have less stress too. He sounds very grumpy for his age, that’s a red flag and unwilling to do much except focus on his self. Would that be acceptable to you to work full time pay for everything while your ‘DP’ lounges about and does hobbies? The DP needs to get a job to pay for all their additional costs. What about holidays, clothes, university, school trips, meals out, house maintenance?

This!

As I posted earlier in the thread, please look into the long term financial implications of drawing the pension early and then not contributing to it. This isn’t about the next year. This could effect your finances indefinitely if he has a small pension including when you retire

I'm shocked that TWO THIRDS of voters STILL think the OP is the unreasonable one here.

I read the thread to DH. He has had a very 'early' retirement with a lump sum but at no point did he say 'I've paid my share'. He's quite shocked at the proposed set up here. My own DF took early retirement and worked a summer job that linked to his hobby. DM carried on working past her retirement age - by choice, she worked for 15 years after DF left permanent employment - but DF was able to make his contribution so their lifestyle wasn't compromised.

Presumably she would have had life insurance. It’s an absolute fallacy that women facilitate men’s careers.

With money he would not have accrued without her support. Had she dropped dead after her second child he'd have had to pay for FT childcare in order to go to work. How much of his net earnings would have gone on that? It's an urban myth that you can save childcare costs by gaffer taping small children to the wall all day until they go to primary school.

His pension and their house are marital assets: the kids are both their responsibility.

I’m sensing a real problem for you OP. I had a similar thing my DP took early retirement at 55, worked hard, paid the mortgage off and was also an older dad and felt he’d done his bit in every sense, so on I went doing everything including working, he did no cooking, no cleaning, it got to even the stage of no DIY. Despite the fact it was needing to be done for years. Luckily after a year he did go back to do a part-time job which was helpful, but all the rest of the time was ‘his’ time. All hobbies and almost nothing else. Anyone reading considering parenting with an older partner, avoid if possible. I guess we all get to an age where we feel we’ve had enough, there’s a timeline to when you just want ‘your own time’. Don’t let him get away with not working. Life is expensive and you all deserve a holiday. He ought to be deciding on the job now ready for later. He chose to be a dad so he needs to continue his responsibilities. Funny thing is I’m now getting nearer that age my DP retired and I don’t feel at all like that at all or even think of myself as old 🤣 Good luck 🤞 just to add I thought, great, retire early and be a more present less stressed dad, nope, it actually ended up worse.

You say you’re grateful to him for paying off the mortgage and I understand that it gives a sense of security, but it doesn’t seem like you’re getting anything else out of it as you’re continuing to pay as if it’s not been paid off.

What’s the plan after the year - will he contribute then or will you still be paying his half of the bills to effectively pay him back for ‘your half’ of the mortgage? When will he consider this debt repaid? Will he be charging you interest or will you just need to repay him the capital?

Once ‘your half’ has been repaid, will his small pension be enough to cover his half of bills and living expenses?

I obviously don’t know the ins and outs of your situation but if he does work for the emergency services, they get good pensions so I’d be questioning how small the remaining pension is.

It’s obviously up to you what you’re willing to accept, but I think he sounds quite self-centred.

Aside from anything else, I’d lose all respect for a man who thought he could abdicate all responsibility for the ongoing finances
He may have said in one breath that it’s for a year, but every other sentence you’ve quoted tells a permanent picture. He expects you to top up his living expenses for ever. Guess how early that will mean YOU can retire OP? You can’t. Him choosing now to leach off your hard work will mean you continuing for ever more
And as for expecting you to pay for childcare or use annual leave so he can sit on his arse………100% that would be a LTB for me.

i genuinely can’t understand how you are so passive here!

Who's paying all the other bills?
Who's doing EVERYTHING with the kids?

It's a joint family home, a joint effort.

Is he going to sit in the dark and cold while OP is at work, because OP is paying for the gas and electric?

Who is going to buy his food, pay for his laundry?

He might be paying off the mortgage - and we don't know how much that is, it could be £10k or £100k- but he still needs to fund his kids and home.

Whose home? He’s paying the mortgage off.

@Luannaa
He thinks by paying off the mortgage, he's rid himself of all responsibilities. towars you and DC.
There are 2 options: one he becomes a house husband and takes on the DC , cleaning and cooking. So you can focus on earning the money you need to keep you all warm, clothed and that roof over your heads.
Two show him the front door and divorce.

Remember, stressful job or not, you did not choose his career for him, you did not choose for him to retire early.

Also think about the costs for the house: new boiler, washing machine eg we need a new patio as ours is a 30yo death trap and our boiler is 15yo and on the way out. So that's our house maintenance for 2026.
DC: teenagers are expensive! Clubs, gadgets, school trips pocket money to go out with friends.

If you are expected to do it all by yourself, what's the point of being married?

I do feel jealous he will be having a relaxing life while I ferry kids to school and weekend clubs as well as work using annual leave for childcare or what will now be MY OWN money for school holiday childcare. Kids are primary school age.

He's retiring from work.
He is not abdicating his duties as a parent.

From now on - school runs are on him, school holiday childcare is on him.

You can share weekend duties.

If he doesn't like it, you need to consider whether you need a freeloader living in your home while you do all the grunt work for the next decade or so.

I take it your husband had a lump sum from a public sector pension? My husband and I have done similar, he retired last year at age 60 with public sector pension and used lump sum to pay off the mortgage. I still work (I'm 55) and pay the bills. The way I see it is that he would otherwise have the Interest from his pension lump sum invested to give him additional income. I still have more disposable income than him after paying the bills so I'm not fussed but I guess it might be different if that was not the case.

I don't think it would be a problem if it didnt change your lifestyle bjt it ks e.g. no holidays.

If he ks taking money out of his pension pot which devalues it alot then when you retire your joint retirement lifestyle will ne impacted too, if you thought well when we both retire we holiday more etc you now wont be.

He has been clear with his jute tion he wants to be a househusband he wont ve going back to work after a year you can believe that.

And how off putting he gets angry? Moody with soending time with his children

Id would be seriously looking into whether I could afford to divorce him

Personally OP I agree with other posters saying he can't opt out of both work and childcare. I understand the point about needing a break, but I think you need to consider telling him that he either steps up to being a proper SAHD, or he finds the money to cover childcare. You are not going to use annual leave for childcare, full stop, no negotiation. You are also not covering the cost of outside help because you can't afford it, full stop. The children are his responsibility too.