DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

Like so much on here the main issue is.... communication.
I'm considering paying off the remaining mortgage with my lump sum.
Wow that would be amazing. How would it work?
Well I'd pay if off but then wouldn't contribute for at least a year. How does that sound?
Well we'd probably manage ok but are you happy to do more of the home stuff and will you definitely be getting another job after a yer etc?
This is the problem. Sounds like op dh said ill pay off the mortgage and won't pay my half each month. Done deal. It can't work like that. There has to be discussion.
I also wonder like others how much mortgage is left and OP must have now seen this question repeatedly but hadn't answered.
I think it's crazy he doesn't do his parenting share. I also think it's crazy you think it's not fair he retires when he's able to retire at 55 as for example guards are in Ireland after their years service is done. Don't know anyone retiring in late 40s! And most don't want to!

@LuannaaI've read your latest update and it is even more unfair that it originally seemed.

I’m not sure what the solution is though as I wonder if this could be marriage ending. I think it would for me tbh.

Taking a year off, fine. But continuing to take absolutely no responsibility for the children and the home is just not ok. I think I’d lose all respect for him.

More than one DC as OP said she got 6 months for each mat leave and that they are primary aged. I am guessing aged about 9 as she said the school pick ups and drop offs that her DH will not do weren't for much longer (going off to senior school on the bus.)

I’ve changed my mind now.hes being totally unreasonable. Again this is a man’s opinion as well

i know he’s had a hard job. Most are in their own way.

but if there are only a few hundred quid a month left over once the lump sum has been used then the only way you can afford to retire is seemingly for you to work until state pension age. Or at least to work another 11 years until his. This isn’t fair.

the childcare stuff… how old is your child? Because don’t tell me he can’t cope with looking after one kid, who I’m assuming must be a teenager nearly?

for me, he’s being dead selfish because his entitlement seems to have a direct impact on all of you.

for me he can retire, but it’s clear he needs a PT job for him to pay the 500 quid contribution for the foreseeable future.

It's curious we still don't know how much he's paying off for the mortgage after 23 pages of comments. Have I missed it? Can't help wondering if that's because it's a very significant figure which dwarfs a year's worth of repayment...

This does smack of pure jealousy tbh, but he doesn't sound much of a father. Time off post-retirement to recuperate is fair, but the school-run and a bit more help with upbringing is really not much to ask (can't fathom why he doesn't want to!)

You both sound pretty much all about yourselves, poor kids

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Any evidence to support this laughable idea that runs contrary to what we generally see and know happens? No, thought not.

This is not true. When our DC were small, I did PT school hours. This meant that DH was able to travel most weeks M-Th or M-F, and the kids were bathed, fed, put to bed, ferried to school/clubs, etc. DH didn’t even need to ask before he booked flights—he was secure in the knowledge that his kids would be looked after, and he didn’t give it a second thought. His career progressed in leaps and bounds.

Now that I am FT and I have to travel for my role, DH no longer has the freedom—although they can let themselves in after school, the teens are too young to be left overnight. If DH needs to book a trip, he now has to ask me first, and sometimes he can’t go.

Me being available 1000% facilitated the growth of his career.

If you had given all this information in the beginning OP, I don't think you'd have had nearly as many harsh responses, as it is now clear that he's a selfish bastard, who may have worked hard over the years, but has had you there to support him through it all, AND you have also worked full time for most of it.

He's now proposing to give up work PERMANENTLY, and expects you to feed him, cloth him, keep him warm and watered by paying ALL the bills, and what do you get by way of support? NOTHING!!

My original thoughts were that while I understood you may be feeling a bit hard done by that he would be in a position to lay in bed all day if he wanted to, while you continue to work full time, that you were being a bit selfish, but now, I think he's basically always taken the piss, had you there caring for him and the kids, leaving him free to do a job that he's clearly enjoyed, otherwise he would have quit long ago.

I also think, (as does my DH, who I read your original post to, in order to get a male point of view), that you should stick with it until the mortgage has been paid off, and then divorce him. Your life won't really be any harder, as it sounds like you pretty much already do everything by way of childcare, and looking after the home, after all, anyone can put the vacuum cleaner round occasionally, and I daresay he only does the cooking because he enjoys it. Then you won't have to worry about what he's doing with his days, and you will only be paying the bills for you and the kids, rather than paying for him to laze around all day, running up the heating, electric and water bills.

That's a huge presumption.

I never have.

And yes. Women do facilitate the careers of their husbands.

Although I'm not so sure the current generation will fall into the stupidity of the previous ones.

Thankfully.

Why do you think the birth rate is dropping?

Excellent post. His comfort is his priority. You have to take what you are given.

100% - it comes across that he's paying off the mortgage which gives him the excuse and justification to not lift a finger after that He's 'paying off' his responsibility as a parent and a husband, like "over to you" ...

So what happens when the OP is burnt out because she's carrying the rest of the financial burden and nearly all the domestic one?

Read her posts

People talking about mat leave - mat leave is spent taking care of the baby. If someone had a baby and then put their feet up and did sweet FA, while their working partner also did everything for the baby, that would be pretty selfish.

This guy is only going to take care of his hobbies, he’s going to let OP carry on as normal domestically as far as I can tell. Sweet deal for him.

Fair enough he has a career break but he’s not going to step up more at home which I think it pretty unfair. He’s trying to distract by offering to pay off the mortgage, like dangling a bright shiny thing. He’s not much of a partner in life.

I can see from both sides, but try give it a go, it'll work out. Your husband sounds burnt out, by reading your post, you both sound like strong working people, which makes me think, your DH will get bored quickly and hopefully get a new job sooner.
It would be a relief when the mortgage is paid, what a feeling. That will be a huge life changing feeling.
And if he notices his favourite treats have stopped in the shopping, he'll be having a rethink 😉
Hope all goes well.

He sounds very selfish. It’s fine to retire early as long as that doesn’t have an impact on you or your children. But his plans impact you all in every way!

Why doesn’t he just take the year off without paying off the full mortgage? He could pay a chunk off which would reduce the family outgoings and enable him to still contribute monthly, as he should. This would benefit everyone. Less monthly joint payment for you and more treats and lovely holidays for the children. If he’s not working he should also be doing more with the children and more of the housework. It sounds like his suggestion to pay off the mortgage is only being suggested to give him a free pass to check out of family life. This isn’t a competition of who has worked the hardest, or been most stressed in their job, this is about doing what’s best for the family. He can’t just decide to retire early and leave the family in a worse financial position because he’s ’done his bit’. How dare he sit back and watch you do school runs, go without treats, forgo holidays and be constantly worried if an unexpected bill comes in.

His early retirement plan is incredibly selfish. Paying off the mortgage is a complete red herring. His plan needs to work for everyone. And this plan doesn’t. Don’t fall for his lazy arse plan.

It sounds like he wants a gap year - don’t we all! When you have kids you still have responsibilities

If he was going to take the vast, vast majority of running the household and dealing with the kids I think I’d be more understanding.

Doesn’t sound like that though. It sounds like he wants to check out of the family almost which would annoy me. I would be resentful.

This.

I'm taking it he previously had a good income, so was he paying extra into a pension for you?

Do you have other savings?

I think this is because her AIBU was a bit surface level: I'm jealous my husband gets to retire early and pay off his share of the bills early too leaving me working FT when in fact there's a lot more to it than that which her later post showed as well as stuff neither of them seem to have thought through WRT retirement plans and finances.

He needs to help out with school runs and holiday childcare at least.

he should also make up the £100 shortfall so you’re both still effectively contributing the £1kpcm.

If he did this I’d feel less miffed.

Only for a year? I don’t see the issue if he picks up doing more at home. DH took a year off last year and loved it, now he’s supporting me through another degree so he’s working and I’m not.

Marriage is about balance and compromise at different times. You’re 7 years younger than him so you continuing to work isn’t unfair it’s just the age difference.

I think it's £1000 each, so £900 is (approximately) half. That leaves £1100 for the other bills.

Well I think after your update I would repeat the general point that your financial planning is naive - do something like Rebel Finance and think about your long term. I suspect your DH needs to see the numbers going forward as like many here he has not got beyond next months money and the usual contribution he would make.

I mean in the short term I would seriously consider leaving and sorting yourself out. He sounds shit so I can see why you are resentful! Otherwise he needs to see what is needed. If you can’t afford a holiday on the current plan then you can’t afford any life emergencies or the rising costs of teens and uni etc. It’s not about him, it’s about the family, it’s about your pension and your combined futures. It’s about how you both wat to live at 55, 68,80+. It’s about your overall assets and the numbers you need. That all needs to be looked at before he takes his pension and in particular if he is looking at sacrificing any monthly payment for lump sum (rarely a good deal in the long term and taking at 55 means there is a long term). Paying off the mortgage can be a good thing to do but is often not financially astute.