AIBU to track ds16 location

There is no need to install an app. All you need is good maps shared location.

But to answer the question yes it's unreasonable unless he has previous form for lying and getting into dangerous situations.

A lot of kids like the idea, as you're not constantly messaging them.

Why do you need to be constantly messaging them?

But in that sort of situation (getting on wrong bus) why not let them share their location? That way you can see where they are when they need you to rather than this tracking of everyone in the family knowing where everyone else is 24/7!!

A lot of kids like the idea, as you're not constantly messaging them. Why not say it's a whole family thing, so everyone can see where everyone is, and it's fair?
As someone who was in high school when mobiles became normal, when tracking first came in, I thought it was really creepy that my partner (didn't have kids then!) could see exactly where I was. But now, I love the fact he can have a brew ready for me as he knows exactly when I'll walk in!
Maybe push that aspect? That he'll get the tea he wants straight away? Or a lift from the station in bad weather?

When I was at university one of the most popular nightclubs was a boat on the river. Goodness knows how many parents would have been panicked by that tracking, if it had existed back then!

I agree with PP that the ship has probably sailed. My 16 year old is trackable, but I very rarely use it - usually just to find out what time he's likely to get home if I'm cooking dinner, because it saves me ringing him. My 12 year old has to have it on at all times, that's a condition of having the phone. There have been instances where tracking the phone was incredibly useful - once when the phone got lost on a day out (I could see where it was and called the venue so we could retrieve it) and once when I got a panicked call from DC who'd got on the wrong bus. I could find out exactly where they were and went to find them. I think it has to be transparent though - they can track me too, if they were arsed (I'm sure they're not). I very rarely look at it though - by 16 kids deserve privacy.

It's such a tough area- I totally get his feelings, I would have hated it at 16. Having said that, we downloaded Life360 just so we find DS16 to pick him up after a concert and it was really useful to see when he was on the way to the meet-up spot. We're all on it now, not monitoring each other constantly but it's good for logistics- I don't know if you could sell it to him more in a practical/emergencies way rather than a tracking/monitoring way?

I have seen a few comments like "I don't mind being tracked, I have nothing to hide" on this thread.

This is such a gigantic red-flag, bad-faith argument. Privacy is a basic human right*, but this type of phrasing tries to reframe it as if wanting that baseline = something to hide and therefore that person should explain why.

Surveillance requires justification. Privacy does not.

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(* https://www.ohchr.org/en/privacy-in-the-digital-age/international-standards

I dont track my teens , I want them to learn how to stay safe without me hovering. They do have to actively check in with us especially if in town or going somewhere new. I also disagree the world is less safe now but ironically knowing where everyone is, or should be has made us more anxious. The tracking only tracks the phone

This, 100%

I just send a voice note if I’m nearly home and want dh to stick the dinner on. He doesn’t need to know exactly where I am at all times to facilitate that! Ditto if my children wanted to contact. It’s incredibly controlling to want to know other people’s location 24/7 (discounting the very specific reasons such as dementia as outlined)

I also suspect this is chicken and egg. If you are tracking your DC so intensively that they know you will identify if you spend 5 minutes too "long" in the park, then they are going to make sure that they behave exactly as expected, to avoid aggro. This is control dressed up as concern.

You may have compliance now, but you are likely to end up with children who won't tell you anything for fear of reprisals later.

People keep saying the "world has changed" when trying to justify tracking their children. The only thing that has changed is this ability to keep tabs on your children at all times. Statistically we are just as safe now as we have ever been. Levels of crime etc haven't increased.

I'm really against tracking anyone. The only situations I think it is acceptable are ones where perhaps an adult parent has dementia or a child with ASD. But outside of this, I think it's such a breach of privacy. And in any case if a person loses their phone or its stolen, all a tracker does is tell you where the phone is not the person.

I also find it weird to be tracking people so you know when to get dinner ready. Can people not just phone to say they are nearby or re-heat their dinner when they get home when they are late?!

Gods, a 16 year old is legally able to leave home and live alone!

If you insist he'd be within his rights not to take the thing with him, and what would you do then - tell him he can't go out?

This kind of thing is a bi part of the mental health crises among youth.

My DS is 12. His location is visible to me but I've told him (and I mean it) that I will never look at it unless I have reason to be worried (e.g. he's late home and not answering) or he loses his phone.

I think routinely tracking a 16 year old is really suffocating and OTT

😮
You weren't allowed out on your own at 16?!

Yes. By all objective measures, the world (well, as far as the UK goes) is very much safer now.

Lots of people are massively more anxious, but the actual risks are much lower.

He is well on the way to adulthood. He needs to develop independence and resilience. He's up for that. You need to allow it, so that he can grow up.

As others have said, manage your own anxiety and do not track him. It's a massively false reassurance anyway.

Yes it won't make them any safer, but I know my kids and I know that if eg dd15 has been at the park for 5 mins on her walk home from town then I'm heading right there for her.

You track her to the extent that you know immediately if she's taking five minutes longer than normal to walk home?

What if she's met someone she knows and has just stopped to speak to them?

Brilliant idea. If you wanted to get some extra reassurance while allowing your teen to continue to spread his wings this seems like it would be a good compromise.

Tbh I’m a bit baffled by the notion of tracking anyone else’s phone long term - not just dropping a pin as part of a message about meeting up somewhere. But clearly from this thread some people do it routinely! I think he has a valid point in not wanting it, as a teen I would also have been horrified (and I wasn’t up to anything particularly nefarious! Didn’t even have a boyfriend). A little privacy is important at his age. If you try to enforce tracking it might backfire in him leaving the phone behind and then he couldn’t call you if he really did need you…

I suppose you can't make them join, easy enough to disable location.

We have life360, my mums also in our circle for the odd every few years occasion she'll be here watching them as dd was doing Duke of Edinburgh last time we were away. I stalked her all the way to London and back this Christmas as I worry about my dad driving (insomniac)

Yes it won't make them any safer, but I know my kids and I know that if eg dd15 has been at the park for 5 mins on her walk home from town then I'm heading right there for her.

Dh used to go for works drinks at a pub on the banks of the Thames.

The amount of times it showed him in the river. Sometimes, the thought made me quite happy.

My daughter goes to a university where a popular student night club is just next to the river.
Every year, multiple parents who insist on tracking their children for no particular reason, have major panics as the tracker shows their child is in the river at 2am.

My son has my location but doesn't want to give me his. When I lost my phone at a street market, he was able to go get it for me quickly.

He's 27, so does what he wants, but my other two kids didn't used to want me to track them, but now they are older, they let me. I occasionally look at their location, either for a practical reason, or because it's nice to see that they exist somewhere in the world, especially reassuring when they are 3000 miles away.

I have both of my adult dcs on find my phone and have done since they first got phones. One is travelling at the moment and I love seeing where in the world they are.

They both know that they can turn it off at any point and don’t seem to be bothered.

when they started driving it was a huge relief to be able to check they were safe. I never question them about where they are. They also have me, as does my dad. I have dp for when he wanders off in shopping centres.

Nobody does anything interesting enough to hide so we all just get on with it.

We all use find my phone to track each other within the family. DS is on Life 360 and Snapchat with friends, so they all track each other. It’s not in a stalky way but if I’m going to pick him up it’s useful to know if he’s reach the pick up point. If he’s meeting up with friends he knows if they are on their way or already there. If they don’t want to be visible they just switch it off.
DS is happy fir us to know where he is. It means he doesn’t have to keep texting or phoning with his plans. He’s 21 so it’s really none of my business but he’s at uni so when home it’s just good manners to let me know whether he’s likely to come home and need feeding.

He’s been out since last night, staying over at a friend’s house. I checked his location while prepping our evening meal and I can see that he won’t need feeding. He’s more than happy with the arrangement because it means less hassle for both of us and as he has stated if he doesn’t want me to know his business he can switch it off, but since he has no need to hide anything then there is no point.
It works both ways because if I’m picking him up from uni or the station he knows where I am, although he’s more likely to phone me for updates. I’m expecting a call at some point this evening to ask me to put his evening meal in to cook.

The other benefit is locating his phone. He went abroad with friends last year and he couldn’t find his phone 📱 n the villa they were staying in. His friend texted me to activate the beep. He also asks me to use it sometimes as a backup to his alarm when he needs to get up early.

I think that you do what works and is comfortable in your own family. DS has always been free to switch off tracking but he has never seen the need.

We live rurally with virtually no public transport so at 16 he relied on us to ferry him around. Being able to spot him on a map made it easy to find the friend’s house he’d ended up going to. If he’d had a lift with someone else’s parent it was often tricky locating him just from a postcode.

I think the scariest thing DS went through was being spiked. On the night it happened I had n reason to check his location and he was getting a taxi home. He some how managed to get home but ended up putting his hand through the glass in our front door. We spent most of the night in A&E. When I eventually checked my phone he had messaged me but it was gobbledygook. Had I seen it at the time I would have been straight out to look for him. Even at his most drunk he is able to text coherently. He was in the taxi home at that point so I would have been able to track him. I may have been able to prevent the injuries he sustained. I think it was this episode that made him realised how useful tracking is. I know that he uses it with friends to keep an eye on them when they get separated. Huge learning experience.

we tried life 360 and the level of detail felt overly intrusive and stalkerish. Dh and I hated it. If dd1 goes somewhere new/quite a distance then I ask she shares her live location on WhatsApp. Gives her control but is admit respecting each other’s boundaries and right to be independent and my parenting needs to keep her safe. She and I are more comfortable with the arrangement.