You change forever after losing loved ones?

Being widowed at 45 after 22 years of marriage changed me. That is the sort of grief that most people never experience. Completely different to losing your parents and grandparents.

I’m so sorry, but pleased to hear you seized life.

I lost a baby at my delayed 20 week scan. The process of giving birth was extremely traumatic and I nearly died. If that was not enough, I grieved in the most awful way possible afterwards and you can see the change on face in photos. I couldn’t even find joy in my living child. I just hung on to that grief and it broke me. When my mum died 8 years later I just knew I couldn’t step on that path of grief and actively took steps to make that grieving process different. I still grieved but I was so scared of that pit of despair sucking the life out of me I knew it had to be done differently. I have changed since my mother left our lives but I forced myself to live this time.

Sending hugs, I think the loss of a child goes deeper than any of us can imagine and I am truly sorry you’re having to navigate this. 😔

My DH died by suicide last year, and it has changed my outlook on life fundamentally. Watching my DDs grieve him has been the worst experience for me.
I find it hard to feel happy without guilt that I’m still here and he’s not kicking in straight away, even though it was his choice to not be here any more.
We’re all in therapy individually, which is helping, but it’s still very hard.
Love to everyone else grieving on this thread 💗

You're not wrong. I've lost very close people relatively young, in my 30's. It's hard, at first, not to ask "why me?". I used to be envious of many people I knew in their 30 to 60's and above who hadn't ever lost anyone close to them, that they couldn't possibly understand.

These days I wake up every day and I am thankful that I have lasted another day, that I'm still alive and still well aware that any time life can unexpectedly throw us a curve ball.

My lovely dad died in his sleep suddenly age 79 4 years ago.
It has changed me a lot. We were very close and had a lot in common. I was the last person he spoke to on this earth.

I m 57 now and my mum is 84. I dread losing her but accept it will happen.

I think once your parents go it's so different. You are next in line. Nobody stands between you and death.

I will never truly get over it. I have lost my rock, the one man who loved and supported me and would have sacrificed everything for me.

My son looks very like my dad when he was younger and that is a comfort. He's also very similar in personality.

For context my dad did a lot of childcare and raising me when most men did not as my mother was ill a lot in my childhood.

I carry on his legacy. He was a good person who helped anyone and I try to do the same.

There will always be an emptiness in me now.

I’m in my 40s and have lost a parent, other relatives and friends my own age; those deaths are shocking.
I’m more likely to just do it now I’m acutely aware that time is finite. I don’t put things on the long finger.

I agree. Grief has completely changed me & my life. I’m physically & emotionally different. I’m building myself back up, but I will never be the same again.

My husband of 40 years died 2 years ago today.

It has definitely changed me and our adult children. My life for a while was mostly in limbo, with stark moments of horrible clarity.

Everything we had worked towards was shut off and rebuilding a life, navigating a single future is brutal.

I’m lucky to have choices and security but emotionally, it’s like staring into the abyss, because you lose all your points of reference

I will be ok, but I will never be the same.

This is what I came to say, too.

I lost my mum and uncle a year ago within five days and it was very sad of course but they were both in their 80,s and had a lived a very good life
My Aunt died on new years day again very sad but she was 89 surrounded by her children ,I think in thees circumstances however sad death is part of life
Losing a child or someone young is different. And far more tragic.

I think it does change you. We lost our daughter at 21 weeks, 22 years ago. Before that I was a happy carefree 22 yr old, I went to the darkest depths anyone can go to and came out a totally different person. While I am not miserable, i have good and bad days and no longer a happy, carefree person

@LadyMacbethWasFierce I’m so so sorry

My lovely mum died 4 years ago. I grieved her deeply and missed her every day. I don’t think the loss of her changed me as a person though.

My darling daughter died, aged 24, 2 months ago. I know that I am changed forever. There will never be any joy for me again. There is no prospect of recovery for me from this loss.

Yes i feel similar to you , to me the loss of loved ones over the years ,all elderly but still fun contributing members of our family feel like carrying a rucksack on your back and each loss is another weight in the bag, it's there with you and you carry it with a resignation that that's the way things are and there's nothing you can do but to carry on .
My family on both sides have been long living thankfully and didn't look or 'act' their age and the losses i have experienced i hadn't really prepared for , can you prepare ? even though they were elderly.
These losses have changed the dynamics somehow ie family gatherings and i sometimes long for the past.
I still have my mom and i feel for her too as the losses in our family must have had a profound effect on her she is stoic and grateful for the family we have, but i know she must carry her own rucksack.
As i get older i am acutely aware of the fragility of life but life does go on and there is a lot of joy still to come i hope.

I completely agree. Both my parents are gone, one for 15 years and the other for 2. It sounds silly but I feel a deep pain of being an orphan despite being in my 40's. Grief sits with you forever..you go on and it may not feel so visceral, but then bubbles straight back to the surface like a gut punch when a memory or trigger pops up. People wonder when it gets better......any day now God willing.......

My mum died young from cancer and that was obviously a huge shock. Since dad dropped dead from a heart attack I've just hsd a real.feeling of almost loneliness, despite having DH and kids, like I'm just alone in the world. I can't shake it. Over Christmas we spent a lot of time with inlaws and that has made it worse.

Yes and no. I lost one of my parents and a grandparent within a year and both were relatively young. While it was painful at the time, I don't experience a profound hole... but the experience of loosing both of them very suddenly and without warning reminded me that life is short and that I should live it to the fullest. So yes, I suppose, it changed me but maybe not in a way you mean.

For me yes. Grief has changed me forever.

Compound grief is a good way of putting it. I cry a lot more - at other people’s tragedies, at moments of unbelievable joy, at the poignant reminders of people I’ve lost. I am also more spiritual, more easy-going, less inclined to work my butt off for the Boss.

Hi,

I'm sorry your having a hard time there. It sounds difficult.

I had two massive bereavements before the age of 8 and it was very hard for a long time, and time didn't heal anything at all.

However, I went to see a very nice clinical psycholoigst when I was in my early 40s and over a period of several years she helped me to sort it all out.

In the end, the grief did completely resolve and the memories just went away. After that I was able to live completely in the present, in my current life, without my mind being dominated by memories.

It was much better and I would definitely recommend it.

I think the other thing after that is probably helping with youth organisations if you can. So many kids need a village around them and it's hard to feel sad with little kids zinging about the place.

Good luck there and I hope things look up for you.

No. Not in the slightest. People die. Both of my parents are dead. It’s part of life. My perspective on life hasn’t changed at all.

I lost my beautiful nephew last year. Watching a child die has not only fundamentally changed me as a person, it's changed every aspect of my life, of my children's lives. As a family I don't think we'll ever be the same, even in happy moments there is always a heavy background of sadness. I think grief also changes how your brain works, I definitely feel very different.

I agree that it’s cumulative. I thought I would get better as a person, more empathetic, and maybe some people do, but I feel as if every loss makes me harder and more superficial.

Yes.
Rev. Richard Coles did a great documentary on grieving after he lost his husband; he said it was like becoming a member of some kind of terrible secret club, that no one understands unless they are in it.