Why do kids always pander to the mean kids?

I wouldn’t be so quick to assume it will all get better with age. The cool kids in my 16 year old daughter’s year are definitely the edgier / naughtier ones and the group tends to include any mean ones (although thankfully we’ve lost the bad ones to other schools). Everyone else doesn’t always necessarily love them but they’re still the ones socially in charge and the “fun ones”. It’s part of growing up to rebel and push boundaries and the nice kids are often seen as geekier etc.

I’d just advise staying away and not getting drawn into their crowd, finding her people and trying not to care about being in the cool gang.

She's a big fish in a small pond at the moment. Once she goes to secondary school, not many will put up with her shenanigans.

Came to say this exact this but you beat me to it.

If this girl really is so problematic, one of two things will happen:

As the kids get older and move onto secondary school, they’ll widen their circles of friends and it will become quickly apparent to those who didn’t go to primary with her that she’s a dick, and she’ll find herself on the outs and maybe rethink how she treats other kids

Or

She’ll continue as she is into secondary school, be a dick to the wrong person and be politely educated by a closed fist impressively quickly

I remember both the above scenarios happening to the “mean girls” from my primary school once we made it up to the local comp that was rough as balls 🫠

Sorry that’s happening to your daughter Op but I think it’s very common in society. The most popular kid is not always the nicest kid.

As pp have said adults to
do it too. I was bullied in a work place in my late 20s by mainly women aged 26-60.

The ringleader was awful and even others had issues with her, but they still joined in with ostracising me and undermining or sabotaging my work. Or at least trying to.

It took two people joining the team who clocked what was going on and independently reported the others to the manager (who’d been turning a blind eye to it) and then alerted me to the ouvert and covert bullying that was going on for things to change. I was obviously aware but had sorted of gaslighted myself that I must be the problem if everyone else was supporting the ringleader when she turned on me.

Those two newbies were then immediately targeted too. So I ended up raising it with HR for all our sakes and they upheld that I had been harassed and bullied and yes the two others had been victimised for supporting me.

Mind you only a tiny fraction of grievances are upheld in the Uk, but I had so much evidence plus the two newer coworkers who had courage and morals that backed me up that HR couldn’t deny it and had to pay me off. The two others found promotions/alternative jobs shortly after.

It was my first real experience of prolonged bullying. I’d never been subjected to that at school so it was interesting to say the least to encounter that for the first time as an adult.

I agree with pp - she won't be flavour of the month forever. My DD experienced some of this kind of thing in primary, but in secondary school it's completely different and this kind of child has a lot less power.

Because it's the excitement. Russian roulette. Will it be me she targets, maybe. But if it's another girl then I can join in and feel included in the powerful gang. And I always have hope it won't be me...until it is.

I think this is just school. I talk to my dd about how she must think of the motives of the behaviour not just the behaviour itself. She lashes out, why? Is she jealous? Is she copying someone elses behavior suggesting alpha girl is also bullied by someone else? I think this helps process it and stops internalising of it.

She may well get her come uppance. Teens get wise to this behaviour and the nicer ones find their strength. I have seen several former primary queen bees reduced to meek teens.

A girl that was consistently unkind to dd at primary is now at the bottom of the social league not invited to parties etc.

They definitely won’t forever. There was a boy like this in dd’s primary school. Always kicking off, always a victim, parents constantly coming in and kicking off, threatening the school and every single other parent in the year with legal action.

They are in Y8 now. Guess who has no friends? No one wants to be friends with a jerk. When they are still figuring it out, they don’t quite know how to respond. But as they grow up, children like that won’t be the ones with the nice friends. They’ll be the ones struggling and falling into bad crowds and being lonely.

Self preservation/survival of course.

Honestly - if the other girl was genuinely as bad as all that then she probably wouldn't be invited to all the parties.

The other girls may find her mean at times, but are dealing with her better and maybe see other aspects of her personality that they like, rather than just constantly seeing her as "the mean girl".

Some of the problem may lay with your daughter's perception and her reactions. Does she know you have complained to the school on various occasions? Is she expecting the school to miraculously make the other girl "not mean" and is therefore not making any efforts of her own to improve the relationship?

It is hard when it's your own child, but at 9 they need to be able to start to navigate the ups and downs of friendships. In a couple of years she will be at secondary school and out and about more on her own and you will be less involved.

Because they don’t want to be next. Adults do it too, unfortunately. Some dysfunctional people have a deadly combination of personal charisma and a toxic personality, and it’s just shit if one happens to turn up in your child’s class, or your workplace. I think all you can do is try to fortify your child with the strategies to deal with any nastiness, build their resilience and other friendships, and be vigilant so you can hold the school to account if things go too far and they don’t act appropriately.

Fear. Nobody wants to be on the receiving end.